Fighting to be Kind in a Cultivation World

My eyes roam the walls of the room, from floor to ceiling. The curvature and sharp cuts of the room show the surprising finesse that Gong and her spiders took with hollowing out the room.

Or maybe this was the work of her friend… the one who was ‘taken’?

As this thought drifts through my mind, my eyes land back on Ai, who is seemingly waiting for me to speak further, while appearing as if she isn’t.

“I used to work for a tech company, one that focused on making some kind of software item for other tech companies. All I basically did for them was shuffle papers or information from one area, to another area. Sounds simple, but it involved so many aspects. It paid enough for me to survive, but not much else.

“Every single day, I would pass by this kid hanging out on the street. Clearly homeless. Definitely in a bad state. On a whim, I brought him something every day. Maybe a sandwich or a few dollars. Nothing much. Just something to start a conversation.

I shake my head at the memory.

“I’m not even sure of why I started doing it. I think it was just… I don’t know. He reminded me of one of my cousins when I was younger. If I could be considered poor, in the sense that we ate some form of soup every day, well my cousin was the type of poor that literally ate trash food, if he was lucky.

“I couldn’t see this kid go through that as well. Even if it cost me a little more, I didn’t mind at all.

“Every day, he thanked me, and smile a little brighter… it was nice. We’d hang out for a tiny bit and just threw verbal jabs at each other, enjoying each other’s company. We’d chill, drink some sodas, and just enjoy the small amount of time we had together. After a while, we really built a pretty good rapport with each other.”

I can feel my face tighten again.

“One day, while me and a coworker were walking back to our cars from a nearby bar from a company outing, I heard a really familiar voice demand money from behind us. As we got out our stuff to give him, all I could hear was, ‘fuck. Fuck! Get out of here! Just go get out of here. Keep your shit! Get the fuck out of here!’ before pushing us away. The other guy and I sprinted to our cars and rushed out of there.

“But I knew exactly who that robber was. And I didn’t see him at his usual spot since then.”

It’s always felt like I’ve helped a little, but never enough.

From that story to the next, I just spoke to the wind. Airing out things I’ve gone through in life. From losing friends in college, to my first relationship, to my frustrations in not being able to connect deeper with her, and ultimately, us breaking up.

Ai stays silent through it all. It’s not until I bring up a certain subject that she speaks.

I continue with saying, “… I miss my mom. I miss how she used to laugh with my father and with the little we had, make soup together with the family. I wish I could go back to the times after college, when I would come back to visit, and there would be a radiant smile on her face. ‘My children are back yet again, Hun. I guess, there’s nothing here but food for them.’ As she says that, she would cook enormous meals and make sure me and my sister left with full bellies.

My lip curls in as I stare at the ceiling, feeling my eyes tearing up.

“I-I couldn’t look into her casket, when she died. I didn’t want to see what they had turned her into. She was killed in some kind of freak car accident, after a church group session. While we stood there, I’ll never forget how dad looked. His face was like the world had ended. They were already old, by the time she passed, but that didn’t matter to us. Not even the slightest. We just… wanted her back.

“Dad didn’t last long after that. There really wasn’t anything left for him with her gone. It was pretty much just us left.”

I feel a sad chuckle escape me. “Well… he wasn’t the only one. When he left, I didn’t know what to do with myself. It was just day in and day out, at the office. A dull, grey life. Mom was always telling me ‘You Can be better.’ Just slow down. Don’t be so impulsive. Be more careful about who you trust. But, don’t give up trying to help people, even if it’s uncomfortable.”

My head shakes almost unconsciously.

“I definitely took her first batches of advice, but stopped the last bit. I just wasn’t worth it. ‘Why should I help other people, when they are going to leave you, anyway?’ Eventually, I managed to find myself again, thanks to my sister, Tammy…

“It was hard… so hard. Difficult, painful even, to just breath. Exist. But I did it. We did it…

“… And then I found myself here, a few months later. Ha. Yay for me, eh? Definitely the best place to go. 10 out of 10 stars.”

My teeth are gritted, but I feel my neck relax and I can’t stop myself from crying. I turn away from Ai.

“I-I don’t know why I’m saying all this. You don’t want to hear this stuff from some privileged guy. I haven’t been through nearly the sam…”

“… We used to be happy, you know?”

Ai’s voice, soft, low, but sharp, cuts through my words.

I stop moving, breathing. Practically in shock.

I’ve talked for so long that it felt like I was trying to fill the space with my words. Hearing her is like waking up from a dream, from a darkness.

She continues past my thoughts.

“We didn’t eat every day. Maybe a bug, a rat, or if we were lucky, the scraps from one of the main shops’ kitchens. Even so… it was different when we were younger.

“Lin probably doesn’t think I remember, but I remember when he was kind. Cool. And most importantly…”

She pauses for a moment. I turn back toward her, seeing that her face quickly turns back into her knees. Still continuing with her words.

“… he loved mom. He loved her so very much. With her silvery hair and glowing smile, how couldn’t we all? Living in an area on the outskirts of a city, we somehow found a way to be happy. Even with an empty belly, we always ran back home after collecting scraps, just to see that smile of hers. Her praise for our hard work. The four of us, huddled around a fire. Sharing stories. D… Rong was so proud of her. He’d sing her praises every time, regardless of how food tasted.

“But… she was too beautiful for her own good. I didn’t understand it at the time, what Rong meant, when he said they took her in front of him… but, I could see what it did to him. We moved away from there soon after. He never explained why.”

Her hands cover her face and she suddenly laid backwards.

“The next years were covered in silence. Not bad, not good. We moved to this city and… weren’t really there to him. Just two mouths that were once close to him. Until I had starting growing up…”

Eyes blank and gray, she speaks dispassionately. Like she’s not really all there.

“I still remember the first time he talked about my hair, after Mom died. ‘It’s just like hers…’ he would say. It started with doing my hair for me. I think Lin was jealous at first until she saw what it meant for him. He started to connect with us again. We began doing things together. In a strange way, it was fun. We were getting our dad back.”

Her hands are clenched and I can already see the tears flowing down.

“We weren’t his daughters anymore, though. We ignored the drugs, the yelling, the screaming… the fighting. Eventually, we just were some women to him. I’ve always hated this hair, because of that…”

She shakes her head and her voice returns some life to it.

“… but we made it through. We had a plan. We knew our situation and how to work it to our advantage. With time and planning, we would get there.”

She looks a little sad before continuing. “Though… I guess that isn’t exactly true. Things would have ended pretty quickly, if you hadn’t come. He had enough. At that point, he was just using us for the next fix. No matter what it was. I didn’t see it in time to warn Lin.”

She sighs and there’s silence in the room before she turns to me.

“Why do you help us, James?”

I can tell this is a serious moment. She’s heard me. I’ve heard her. But do I understand her? My mind’s a mess. I… I’ll just speak and respond. To address to her fears.

“I help you guys… because I… I just…”

I pause my words. And try to restart.

“I know you’re worried about why I would want to help people who might not normally be ‘worth’ helping. Where I come from… it’s normal, to try to be friends with people for no other reason than feeling a connection with them. Or to help people who might need help. Even if it is bad for you in the short term.”

I feel myself subconsciously moving my hand to the back of my head, rubbing it slightly.

“And if I’m being honest with myself… I feel like I’m not doing the right thing if I’m not using my powers to help people. After helping you two with your conditions, I want to see it through to the end. It’s not only that, though. I think you guys are awesome. Truly, amazingly awesome.

“So, I stay here. I work with you, hoping to get to know you better. Helping you in whatever ways I can. Ultimately, I’m happy, when my friends are happy. I can’t sit by, as you and Lin are hurting. Frankly, it hurts me to know that you’ve been through. If you guys aren’t doing well… I feel bad about it.

“I just want to be there for you guys… in whatever way I can. I don’t need any sex from you. I’m not looking for anything from you, except your friendship. I know it may seem and sound weird, but that’s just the type of person I am. I’ll keep saying it as many times as I need to.

“I just want to do the right thing by you two. For you to be safe, happy, and… I don’t know… I’m talking in circles. D…Do you understand where I’m coming from?”

She pauses, not saying anything else.

She swallows before speaking, sounding exhausted.

“You really don’t seem to get what I need from you. What we need from you.

“But… I… I… also can’t believe that there is any sane person who would only look for friendship in a relationship. Especially, if you have no initial reason to know them. It makes no sense to me. What I can understand and live with… is that you are clearly weird one. Who goes around healing people… with no reason other than, ‘they were sick?’ Who definitely comes from a place that I’ve never heard of and with so many things that are strange.”

She looks away. Then looks back at me, her eyes less narrowed than before, but still hard.

“Fine. We’ll see what you do. I’m not accepting this, though. You want to be friends? Okay then.”

Her eyes narrow further. Her chin lifts slightly.

“I’m not giving up. I know what you’ll want. Talk is easy. So, I’m going to be right here. I’m not leaving this room. We’ll see what kind of friends you’ll want to be after tonight.”

She rolls directly onto me, catching me by surprise.

She’s still naked. Lips tightened, as she looks up at me from my chest. She places a hand on my leg.

“So. What are you going to do?”

…

…