Evil Awe-Inspiring

My mind is in a state of paranoia, but Nanny has already gently held my hand, and then she takes the half-burnt cigarette out of my hand.

She steps back half a step, looks up at me, takes a puff, blows the smoke out slowly.

Behind the blue smoke, her eyes are dim and twinkling.

“I am a woman.” She finally opens her mouth to talk. Due to has cried, her voice is hoarse, with a little nasal, “And I am no longer young, for a woman, over thirty years old, is a terrible thing.”

I say nothing.

She leans against the wall with her arms, and her face is very weak. She has a feeling that people can’t help but to love and care: “Chen Yang… Do you know how a woman’s feeling when over thirty years old?”

“… I don’t know.” I admit it frankly.

“It’s really hard.” Her mouth spits out these three words, and then her eyes glance on the ceiling. She seems to have a gentle smile, but there is no joy in the smile, “I dress myself beautiful every day. But only when I take off my make-up every night, I know that I have a little more crow’s-tail lines around my eyes. Although everything I give myself are the best. But how many years can a woman like me remain young?”

“I’m the only one at home. I’m even scared when it gets dark. Sometimes I need to try to find an excuse to go back home. I’d rather stay in the company until nobody else there. Because I know, the house is empty, even if I sit for a night, no one will come and say a word to me! In the night, when I sit here, I feel cold all over! That kind of coolness comes out from the bottom of my heart! It’s from the bone! I will turn on all the lights at home! Turn on the TV, stereo, all of them in every room for a whole night! Then I sit on the sofa and wait…” She’s smiling bitterly suddenly. Then she shakes her head and whispers, “I don’t even know what I’m waiting for.”

“Chen Yang… I’m over thirty years old… The youth left to me is very few. Maybe not for long, no, should say now. Now when I’m walking on the road, some little girls have already called my aunt! Instead of calling me sister! But sometimes I think, I am thirty years old, but still single, no one loves me, no one accompanies me, no one coaxes me to be happy, coaxes me to sleep. When I wake up with a nightmare in the middle of the night, I don’t even have a hug to calm me down. Do you know…” She’s looking into my eyes, tears are flashing in her eyes, “Often at night, after I had nightmares, I sat down, and with a quilt in my arms until dawn.”

I can’t say a word at all!

If a woman is willing to show all her weakness and helplessness in front of you, so what else can you say?

“You really look like someone.” She sighs, and a strange look is sliping through her eyes, “I remember that I have said to you, you look like him. Even the character is very similar too, the same stubborn. You are tough, not willing to bow. But your eyes are occasionally showing very gentle lights. It’s similar to him, too.”

I still can’t speak a word.

“When I saw you for the first time. I just had some… I almost couldn’t control my emotions.” She shakes her head, “Do you remember what I asked you to do for me in my house that afternoon?”

“I remember.” I nod.

Her eyes are showing a trace of shyness and guilty: “That day, I was thinking all night. I decided to bring you back. I… I had a plan… Or to say a decision that made me feel ashamed of myself.”

“Well?”

She takes a deep breath, blushes and trembles: “I… I was going to seduce you.”

My brain is almost exploded!

She… wanted to seduce me?

She intended to… seduce… me?

Her face is ashamed, her head is almost hanging down to her chest, and she’s saying in a very low voice: “I… Is it shameless? Am I a very shameless woman?”

When she raises her head again, tears are shedding down from her eyes: “I feel degrading too. I thought for a night, I couldn’t stand it anymore. I just want to be able to have a warm embrace. I want a person can take care of me carefully, be kind to me, even if only once, it’ll be enough! Enough!”

She reaches out her hands and gently holding my face: “And you look alike him so much. So much alike! I couldn’t help thinking that even if I could only stay in your arms for a while, just for a moment, I would be satisfied too. Sorry, Chen Yang… Sorry, I know my ideas are dirty and despicable. But I really couldn’t stand it anymore. I don’t want to wake up every night and sit until dawn!”

Although there is no mirror, but I can feel that the color of my face must be ugly now.

Finally, she sighs: “But… The other day, when you came, I found myself still couldn’t do it.” Suddenly she’s hugging me hard and saying hoarsely, “I’m not a degrading woman! I’m not! Not!” Then she seems to lose her strength and falling softly into my arms. I quickly put my arms around her and say softly: “Do you want to sit down?”

“No!” She says softly in my arms, “Let me hold you for a minute, just a minute, may I?”

I sigh deeply and hold my arms.

She groans, head rests on my shoulder, whispering. Her voice is blurred and somewhat dreamy: “You were here that afternoon and helped me do so many things. I looked at you in the back, just looked over and over. One moment it’s you, another moment it’s him, but the decision in my heart collapses at a fraction of the time. Chen Yang, do you know? Since I lived here, you…” She’s looking up and says, “You’re the first man to walk into this house.”

“I believe!” I nod at once.

“Um…” She hums softly, “That afternoon, I drank wine, a little dizzy, but I wasn’t drunk… At that time, I thought just let go of it. Just let me degrade for once. Anyway, I won’t meet anybody who really loves me in my life anymore. There won’t be someone anymore. Just one time, just once.” Suddenly she’s laughing, as if mocking, “That afternoon… Do you think I was really drunk? I didn’t… I actually knew that I was conscious at the time. You took me upstairs, and I was wondering whether you couldn’t help it. If you like the bad guys outside who are just thinking about how to get a woman to bed. I think, come on, just once, just take it as a warm memory, let me have less nightmares in my future life. Actually, I was still very timid. I dare not to take the initiative, just give myself to you, then if you want to do anything to me, I will not resist.” At last her voice is cooling down, “But only once, if you really did something that day, I’ll let you leave the next day.”

“And then?” Suddenly, I realize that I have asked a silly and idiotic question.

She’s smiling and looking up.

Looking at her smile from such a close distance. It’s really beautiful and fascinating. Her eyes are curved, like the crescent moon, slightly upward corner, very charming, very amorous appearance.

“And then… Well… When you took me upstairs, I was ready. Thought you were going to carry me into the room. But I didn’t expect you to be such a fellow who was holding me up for a round and downstairs again. I almost couldn’t pretend anymore. I said to myself at that time that you are really a strange man. When it came to you, were you suddenly timid at such a moment?” She blinks and looks a little strayed, “Your men, aren’t you all impulsive?”

I open my mouth and there are some sweats on my head: “That… I really didn’t think of any evil thoughts that day. I just wanted to take you into the room and let you lie down and rest. I didn’t mean to happen anything else. It’s my conscience of heaven and earth!”

She nods. Her eyes are full of tenderness: “I… Believe you!”

“Were you really not drunk that day?” I have some bitterness on my face.

“A little.” She smiles faintly and says, “Although kept a little sober, but I also really felt dizzy.”

“How dizzy”

“I was so dizzy that… I could dare to indulge myself.”

I’m speechless.

“Chen Yang, thank you! Fortunately, you didn’t touch me that day.” She then draws back her smile and looking at me very seriously, “Because you didn’t touch me that day, it gave me a chance to feel this feeling slowly, or torture perhaps?”

“Well…” I’m still speechless.

“That day, you did not touch me, but later you went out to buy medicine for me, and then came back, I really could not hold anymore. My brain was very dizzy, very sleepy…” She’s blushing and saying, “Later, you slept on the sofa with me for an afternoon. Among that time, I was awake for a while, I’ve come out of my drunkenness. I had some regrets in my heart. I wanted to push you away. But I couldn’t bear it. I didn’t sleep so smoothly for a long time. You held me in the back and didn’t let me fall down. I felt very dependent. I was a little worried and uneasy, but then I had a very good sleep. I said to myself, you are a good man. A real good man!”

I feel a little burning on my face. Actually, all that afternoon, I held her in my arms and fought against my own impulses all the time.

“Later that night, my body… Well, I was not feeling well. You took good care of me. I haven’t been looked after like that for a long time.” Her eyes are filled with emotion, “Do you remember that I was angry with you? For Yumi. I was very sad at that time. Suddenly a childlike temper was coming out of my heart, as if it was a kind of fear. I was afraid that one of my favorite toys I just saw would be stolen by someone else!”

“Do you remember when we came out of dinner at night and got angry with you in the car? In fact, I knew in my heart that my temper was very unreasonable, and the words I said were really childish. But I just couldn’t help it!” She’s blushing, lowering her head and saying, “Actually, girls are all like that. I just wanted to lose my temper intentionally and no reason on purpose. Don’t know why, I just wanted to feel the feeling of being coaxed by you. As a result, you really came to coax me with good words. In fact, it was fun to fight with you, especially when I watched your gentle tone to coax me, I was almost crying out at that time.”

“…” I am speechless still.

Hey sister, come on, you are my boss! I was holding the meal plate from you at that time. Would it be all right if I didn’t say something gentle to coax you?

Of course, I absolutely dare not to say that now!

“Later, you took me to midnight dinner. I haven’t been to that dilapidated roadside shop for a long time!” Her eyes are lighting up: “Usually people invite me to dinner, are all arranging at those high-end restaurants. You took me to eat those barbecues, but I think it was very interesting, grabbing meat kebabs with hands, it was fun.” At this point, she’s saying in a deep voice, “Later, we met those hooligans. When they were insulting me, you stood up and fought with them.” Suddenly she’s staring at me, “And you pulled me behind you. You used your body to block in front of me.”

Suddenly she’s hugging me forcefully: “Chen Yang, do you know that after you were taken away by the police, I was cryng all the way back? I even broke my oath and called for help with my relationship! I’ve forgotten how long… How long has it been since I cried for a man last time!” She’s gritting her mouth and staring at me, “After I met you, I cried a lot more than all these years combined!”

“I…” I just want to say something. She has reached out her hands to block my mouth to stop me from speaking anything.

“I’m willing!” She’s saying firmly, “I’m willing! I was voluntary! That night, I would rather you sent me home just because I just wanted to stay with you a little longer, just a little longer!”

“But…”

“No but!” Her eyes are suddenly showing the unprecedented light, “I have no time! I am no longer young! Sometimes I wonder if God has pity on me and has finally sent you to me. After you sent me home that evening, I’ve been standing behind the door for a long time. I almost couldn’t help but rush out to chase you several times.”

I think: Fortunately, you didn’t come out. Otherwise you would see me fighting with Tommy.

“I was thinking about it all night, then I made the decision. I decided I couldn’t let go this time. I decided to try to catch you!” Her eyes are darkening sharply, “But the next day, I knew you had an accident. When I went to the hospital… I saw your… girlfriend…” There is a sad smile on her face, “You know what?” She is saying softly, “I even had the thought to die at that time… I just saw a little hope, but you destroyed it alive in front of me!”

“Sorry, I’m sorry!”

“Don’t say sorry to me.” She says lonely, “I almost exhausted all my strength to control myself from going to the hospital to see you again, you know? Every day I stayed in Korea; I were thinking of you when I couldn’t sleep at night. I was always remembering the scene when you were standing in front of me to protect me that day. When I hurt my foot, you held me in your arms to go out. I called Penny every day and asked her about your situation.”

Her eyes in front of me are too heavy and tender to let me bear and can’t refuse at all.

It takes almost all my willpower to move my eyes away: “Nanny… I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to express the shock in my heart… Um…”

“I know what you want to say!” She’s gritting her teeth and saying, “You want to say you already have a girlfriend, then you want to say no and then you say sorry to me, don’t you?”

I would like to say “yes”, but facing of her, these words just can’t be spoken out of my mouth.

“Chen Yang…” Her voice seems to have infinite affections. My heart can’t help moving. She has put her hand around my neck and says, “I don’t want you to do anything… I won’t ask you to do anything special either. I just want you to stay with me. Don’t go out of my sight so that I can see you from time to time, will you?”

“…”

“I really don’t want too much. I won’t steal anything from your girlfriend. I don’t want to disturb your life… I just want you to stay! Just stay!” She’s almost imploring, “Don’t go, please! No matter what you ask for, I will promise you! As long as you leave me one last hope, don’t take it away completely, please!”

My heart is completely softened.

This scene, such a touching beauty is holding you to tell you her heartfelt. What else may you ask for?

Besides, do I have the heart to hurt such a weak and helpless woman?

“Actually… Actually, I am not a good person.” I hesitate.

“I know!” Suddenly, she’s blinking and whispering, “That day I was drunk on the sofa, you thought I was asleep, and you said, ‘Fortunately, I’ve been out of the water, otherwise…’ Ha-ha, this shows that you are actually a very good person.”

Seeing me finally stop talking, a strange look is flashing in her eyes. Her arms are grabbing my neck contract slightly, and her beautiful face slowly approaches me with infinite shyness, closer and closer.

Finally, my mouth tastes a soft fragrance…

That feeling…

… It’s sweet…

My brain is quickly sinking into a blank. My arms are embracing her involuntarily.

I feel my head is empty, complete loss, some whirring, head-heavy and foot-light feeling. My heart has a trace of sweetness, a trace of joy, a trace of pleasure, and a trace of uneasiness.

I can’t even remember the details of how I get out of Nanny’s house.

I just remember, after a long kiss that I’m almost about to suffocate, she’s as soft as a pool of water, pouring into my arms, and a pair of eyes almost dripping out of the water!

I immediately realize that I have to leave! Otherwise, I am afraid my self-control ability is not as good as I imagined.

Then what?

Well… Then, she holds my arms and sends me out. She’s shying just like a young girl. She lifts her feet and kisses me on the face: “Chen Yang… Come and pick me up tomorrow.”

How do I answer that?

Oh… Yes, what I say at the time can only be: “OK!”

Standing outside her house and being blown by the wind, I wake up and pat myself on the face.

Femme fatale! Absolute femme fatale! I’ve been so obsessed that I don’t even know who I’m!

Turn around and looking at the closed door, I’m no long be able to pluck up courage to knock it.

Clapping my forehead hard, I have no choice but to get on the car, start, and leave.

Along the way, I am a little flustered and almost drive through the red light several times. And I have two other times when I’m goofing off at the red light, when the light is changing, the car behind me impatiently is honking to urge me. I put my head out in a fit of anger and shouting: “Press what! You have a horn, don’t I have too?! Just stop!” Then I’m scolding and starting the car to go.

After a while, I suddenly feel that I want to find someone to talk. I need to find a friend to talk about it. So, I drive up to a small road and stop by the roadside, take out my mobile phone and check the address book.

Jojo? Forget about her. She is upset with me now.

Azle? Such a talkative bastard, if I tell him, he might tell Didi someday in future. I’ll be finished then. Pass!

Wood? Wood is good! He can be trusted to keep the secret.

I dial the phone. When Wood is anwsering, I’m immediately sighing: “Wood, I’m in a big trouble!”

Afterwards, I give a complete account of what happened at Nanny’s home in the afternoon, I even after a hesitation to tell him about the last affectionate kiss too.

Of course, I didn’t say anything about Nanny’s bathing accident.

Wood doesn’t say any word in the whole process of my narration, just listening quietly.

Finally, when I finish, he’s suddenly saying on the other end of the phone: “Didi is a good girl!”

“I know!” I’m a little impatient, “That’s why I’m in a worry! I don’t want to do this two-way thing!”

“Nanny is good too.”

“… I know.” I’m shouting, “I’m not looking for you to judge these two girls. I need your advice! What shall I do?!”

After a long silence on the other end, he says, “Whatever.”

I’m getting angry and yelling: “What do you mean by that? I was looking for Nanny to finish this today! But I didn’t expect this to happen! Do you think I want to? Do you think I want to make this happen? You think it’s funny, interesting and cool for me to have foot in both camps?!” I’m so angry that I complain loudly, “Man, I was all fucking forced!”

The other end of the phone is silent for a while. Suddenly, Wood’s voice comes smoothly and clearly. This guy says something make me almost crazy.

I only hear his voice is saying on the phone clearly: “Forced, not all… I want to correct you, there are many people who reap the whirlwind they have themselves stirred up.”

“…” I’m speechless one more time.

“OK, aren’t you going to pick Nanny up tomorrow? Don’t be late.”

The phone is hung up, leaving me staring to the air blankly.