Euphemistically Yours

I had expected it to take some time to make ourselves presentable before going indoors, but Eu’s magic finished the whole job in an instant. Even the horses seemed pleased by her work, especially HandEater, who was making strange, contented sighs.

Moving from there into the house, I tried to give her some last minute advice. “Eu, Make sure you are polite to your mother’s sisters. These are your siblings' aunts and my guests. It is important to show them hospitality.”

“What is hospitality?”

“It means treating a guest well. We need to make them feel at home.”

“What should I do?”

“Be respectful and don’t let them rile you up! They may say some cruel words, but you know it's not true. What they say about you means nothing.”

Grit had his own questions. “Father, why are they here? Wouldn’t mother usually go to one of their houses?”

“I imagine this gathering is to discuss your circumstances.”

“My ... circumstances?”

“Your options and opportunities for marriage.”

He nodded and then looked away.

“Considering recent events, your immediate cousins through your mother's family are no longer even an option - if they ever were to begin with. After all, your uncles on that side are knights. However, a good report from your aunts could open doors with the families that are under them.”

He nodded again. I didn’t blame him for not knowing what to say. When I was his age, I didn’t know how to react either. Without experience for context, he was forced to trust others to know what was best for him. However, these decisions would affect the rest of his life. Luckily, he still had both of his parents. The task was ours to worry about, not his. In fact, his part in all this was mostly passive.

Even under ordinary conditions, choosing a spouse for a child was fraught with dangers. I'd heard far too many cautionary tales. You had to find a partner from a good family, contemplate financial obligations and dowries, consider how it would affect your family’s existing alliances, and only then ask whether the two made a good match.

Appearance and personality held very little weight. If your betrothed was trustworthy and a hard worker, she could remain sequestered if her face or form was too unsightly. In fact, I had never even met Constance before our wedding day. I hadn’t known what to expect when she lifted that veil.

I led Grit into the front hall with Eu trailing behind. Constance was seated with her three sisters in the more prominent seats. Even though it was our house, their higher status demanded it. Progress and Swift were left standing near the kitchen door, ready to assist.

“Oh, we see your husband has arrived.” That was Confidence, the eldest. Of the three, her status was the highest, so I knelt to her first. Her husband was a highly respected knight. In theory, he wasn’t far below a baron. Naturally, her dress was of fine cloth and her hair was meticulously styled.

Next to speak was the middle sister, Congress. “Hmm… indeed. There he is. Too bad, up until this moment, I was almost enjoying myself.” Her name was not especially apt, since I’d never heard a friendly word from her. She scowled at me, as if daring me to saying anything at all.

“Oh my, look how tall Grit has become!” That was Conscience. Of the three, she was the youngest, just barely older than my wife. She was also the most flighty. If I had a friend here, it was her. However, she ignored me entirely, focusing instead on my son. He was kneeling behind my right hand, and Eu had followed suit on the left.

It wouldn't help to introduce them to Eu. Besides, their three names all started with the same syllable as Constance, so I'm sure Eu would just get the three mixed up. What were their parents thinking? It must have been so confusing to grow up as part of that family!

“You may speak.” Confidence, the eldest, waved a hand at us.

“It is my great pleasure to host you in my home.” I dipped my head, to indicate further respect.

“Oh, no! We were talking to Grit, not YOU. We’d prefer that you remain silent.”

She’d even referred to herself in the personal plural? Apparently, my status had dropped several rungs since the last time I'd seen her? But, she'd told me to be silent, so rather than acknowledging her, I kept my lips tight.

Instead, Constance came to my defense. “Please Confidence, don’t you see how low he’s bowed down? He’s doing his utmost to make amends.”

“Sister, you are too young, and too quick to forgive. He isn’t worth your time! If it were me, he’d be sleeping in the stables now, after what he’s done!”

I winced, but she continued on with her tirade. “... and I assume this hideous child is his get? Strange! I had heard that it was a girl!”

Obviously, she was referring to Eu who was kneeling behind me. Calling her a ‘get’ was rude in any company, effectively equating her with a pig or a dog. Regardless, I couldn’t imagine that Eu would understand the insult, even if I did.

“Why, she IS a girl! How unusual! A girl in armor!” Conscience blurted out, but then turned. “Constance, why is she wearing armor?”

“We're training her for service to the Duke. You remember that I said she had magic?”

The eldest two sisters both scowled in unison. Obviously, they didn’t believe a word of it. The eldest, Confidence finally answered with a pronouncement. “We suppose you may do whatever you wish for a bastard child of your husband. We care very little for what happens regarding his foolish mistakes.”

However, Conscience clearly disagreed. I could see how she looked sideways at her older sisters, but she didn’t dare to contradict them. Instead, she tried to change the subject, “Constance, does Grit have a knight-master yet? His mustache is coming in! He looks old enough now that he’ll need to begin his service soon.”

Constance smiled, clearly pleased with her sister’s clever move. “Grit will be squired to Lord Heft. Since he’s a baron, it’s a great honor.”

Confidence, jealous, pulled the focus of conversation back to herself, “We assume that arrangement was made BEFORE your husband’s infidelity? We would think Lord Heft may want to reconsider.”

“The agreement was struck more than a year ago. If he were to change his mind now, it would be a stain upon his honor.”

“Hmm… so you say. You’re far too trusting. Do you have some guarantee of that?” Confidence was unconvinced, though the worst of them, her sister Congress, seemed to be losing interest with this topic. From my position on the floor, still kneeling, I could see her eyes flicker back again toward Eu.

I tried to think of something I could do to deflect her interest, but it was too late. With a sneer, she beckoned to Eu. “Come here girl. Let’s have a look at you!”

Eu stood up and moved forward slowly. I could tell from her stance that she was wary. Clearly, she could sense the woman’s nasty attitude. Unfortunately, she had no defense. What was coming wouldn't be a physical attack. Eu stopped just out of arm’s reach, setting her feet firmly. In fact, based on her stance, she was ready to leap backwards - or forwards.

Realizing the latter might be more likely, I worriedly reached out a hand to grab the back of her gambeson. If Eu did react aggressively, I could pull her out of the room before she could make a scene. Of course that would in itself be a failure, but obviously, it could be worse.

The three sisters peered closely at Eu’s face. As the oldest, Confidence looked unamused. Next, in line, Congress was deeply scowling, even drawing back in disgust. Only Conscience was giving her a fair trial.

After examining her in silence for many breaths, Congress finally voiced her judgment. “She’s ugly. Her black hair is suspiciously foreign. She’s too pale, malnourished, thin, and sickly. She’ll never fit into society. You would have been better off leaving her with her own people. At least then, you wouldn’t bother your family with your fornications.”

I could feel Eu stiffen in anger, but I called their attention back to myself by bowing my head deeper, “You are right, of course. But, one has to make amends for his actions. In compassion, I couldn’t just leave the girl to die.”

“I assume you felt the same about her mother? Was your licentiousness based in this same 'compassion' as well? Perhaps you felt SORRY for the woman? How much did you pay that whore for her services?” Although Congress wouldn’t object to the call of charity, she instead twisted my words to talk about the means by which Eu had come to exist in the first place. Furthermore, her language surprised not only me, but her sisters as well. From the corner of my eye, I could see Progress marching Swift out of the room.

Fortunately, Constance had schooled me on some good replies. I didn't care about my own honor - unless it hurt my children. I lowered my head all the way to the floor. “I regret my prior actions. I will spend the rest of my life as an obligation to my wife to repay this unforgivable debt.”

Confidence nodded to Constance. Apparently, she was mollified for now. As the eldest, that was the biggest hurdle. She had the highest status, so her sisters should fall into line.

Unfortunately, Congress was still focused on Eu. “Well, well, well ... Will you look at that! Do you see how your little beast scowls at me! Doesn’t she know who I am?”

Conscience giggled aloud, “No wonder! You called her ugly and all sorts of other words. Weren’t you trying to get a reaction? Even a serf would be angry.”

Congress waved a hand to absolve herself. “I’m just telling the truth. If the girl is an ugly get, it’s best she knows, right?”

“YOU are ugly!” Eu finally exploded. She strained forward to charge straight in, but I still had that grip on the back of her shirt. I heaved back sharply to drag her away, but I overestimated her weight. Instead of drawing her away, I pulled her all the way off of her feet so that she flopped backwards onto the floor, smacking her head onto the woodwork.

In response, the three sisters laughed. Apparently, they found the whole situation amusing? In other words, success.

“YOU! You are…” Eu sat immediately back upright, ready for round two.

I clamped a hand over her mouth, to try to stop her words, but she shook her head free. That’s when she started pointing at each of them and spouting out her own pronouncements. “YOU are consumption, YOU are conniptions, and YOU are constipation!”

Back at the horse merchant, I somehow knew the knowledge she’d acquired from the marshal would come back to bite me. She had weaponized these new words, naming each of the three sisters as a disease.

“Why, I’ll be!” Conscience laughed aloud. “She’s such a clever girl!”

The other two were not so pleased. In fact, Confidence had flushed bright red. In contrast, Congress hadn’t understood all of the words used. Instead, she was left asking, “What did she call ME?”

“Don't worry! I’ll get her out of here!” I moved quickly, trying my best to interrupt their thoughts before the situation could devolve further.

Eu struggled, but I was much bigger and stronger than her. I simply picked her up. Even when she kicked her legs, it hardly even shifted my balance. Regardless, she wasn’t fighting against me seriously, only trying to escape so she could do more damage.

The room was silent as I carried her out over my shoulder. Despite the quick exit, Eu got out one last parting remark, “I put my ‘SPIT’ in your hos-SPIT-ality!”