LIGHTNOVELONLINE [Vol. 4 pt. 40]
“Yo, yo! What up, my dog?”
I never expected to hear those words come out from the mouth of the one who said them. Then again, if anybody was going to say something that cheesy, it definitely going to be from her.
“Swiggity swooty,” she dramatically threw her arms around in front of her before pointing some finger guns at me, “I’m comin’ for dat booty!”
“Akorya,” I said.
“Nyehe, whattup?”
“What’s with the old school slang?”
“I got bored and watched this old movie I like and they talked like that, so I thought I’d surprise you. I’m cute when I’m gangster, right?”
“I don’t think anything about what you just did could be called gangster.”
Akorya leaned back and looked totally betrayed by my response. “You—you mean I ain’t foshizzly fresh?! No cap!”
“Please, Akorya, there are people watching.”
“Oh? Nyehe, what’s this? Master’s actually getting embarrassed by my for real for real gangsta slang?” She made sure to raise her voice for that, grabbing the attention of the others around us since we were standing in the usual city’s market. “And here I thought you were too cool to get embarrassed.”
“It’s just… you’re so… old sounding. My mom used to say stuff like that and it makes me think of her.”
“No cap?”
“Please.”
“Nyehe, we’re gonna torment the heck out of you together. And she can teach me how to be more authentic sounding.”
“What’s with you and Lily both wanting to team up with my mom?”
“Because she’s like, mega awesome. And she’s always sending us top tier memes in our group chat together. Oh, and baby pics of you.”
I sighed and placed my hand against my face. “Damn it.”
“Wait. I just thought of something.”
“What?”
“Since you’re naked in some of the baby pics, and she texted them to us… does that mean we all have child porn on our phones now?”
“I—I don’t think it works that way. There has to be sexual intent.”
“But babies would never have that intent, so does that mean no pictures would count?”
“It’s more like… the intent of the person taking the picture matters. If the picture is taken by a parent just thinking their kid is adorable and they want to save a perfectly wholesome, innocent, non-sexual memory of them via a picture, then that’s fine. But if the person taking the picture is taking it with the intent of it being for sexual gratification, then that’s when you get in trouble.”
“Ooh, gotcha. Whew. Okay, good. That means I don’t have CP of you on my phone.”
“Feel free to delete it anyways.”
“Nah. But I will crop out the naked part. That’s kind of weird. I’ve never understood parents wanting to take pictures of their naked babies.”
“Same.”
“Same.”
“What?”
Akorya tilted her head. “What?”
I tilted my head back at her. “You said same to my same.”
“Oh. I guess I’m just used to agreeing with you.”
“You’re a dork.”
“Nyehe, I know. Anyways… when we have kids—”
“Kids? As in plural?”
“Is—is that a problem?”
“No, I just forgot if you even wanted a kid at all, let alone multiple kids.”
“I might not want to get bred the heck out of like Lily, but I do want to get bred at least a couple times, you know? And then when I have kids, I can take them to parks and play with them and watch movies and stuff with them. Even… even now, I still like a lot of those cheesy cartoons for kids… but I can’t watch that sort of stuff with anybody my age who would enjoy it as much, so I need kids for that!”
“What kind of cartoons are we talking?”
“Like… the kind made for kids under eight.”
“I mean… I’d watch those with you, if you really wanted me to.”
“But that’s just you being nice, not because you actually want to watch them. I want to watch them with somebody else who will get as invested as me, you know? Like… I’m not really into all that super mature and serious stuff. It gets boring and goes over my head. I like simple cartoons where bad guys are bad for the sake of being bad, good guys are good for the sake of being good, and everybody holds hands at the end of the day because love wins over evil and stuff like that!”
Well, she had a point. I wasn’t exactly a snob when it came to fictional media or anything like that, but I did enjoy some nuance and depth for what fictional media I did consume. When it came to literal children shows, there was no way I would watch them for my own sake, but I would watch them for somebody else’s sake.
But I’d rather not watch them at all in general.
“I’ll watch them with you sometimes,” I said. “But I can’t promise I wouldn’t try to do lewd things to you while we watch.”
Akorya looked offended. “Then you’re not allowed to watch them with me! Look, I’m fine with corrupting all sorts of stuff, but there’s no way that you’re going to corrupt my favorite shows and movies by getting lewd during them. Then I’ll get conditioned to associate lewd stuff with them!”
“I’m going to assume you’ve never looked at rule thirty-four of your cartoons then.”
“Never! Even just thinking that makes me feel wrong! They’re cartoons! For kids! And me! Some things need to be left sacred!”
“Nothing is sacred on the internet, Akorya.”
“Let me dream!”
I placed my hand on her shoulder, prompting her to give me some clearly fake and dramatic sniffles. “I’m sorry you had to learn this way,” I said.
“I—I don’t want to accept the truth,” Akorya replied. “I refuse! It’s wrong!”
“Akorya… your favorite cartoon characters have probably been inflated by cum by giant cocks bigger than their bodies to the point of ballooning up to the size of a planet before.”
“No! I can’t accept that! I won’t! Accepting that means accepting that there’s no good in this world!”
“I’m sorry. I know how hard it can be to learn the truth. But just know that no matter how terrifying the truth might be, it… I don’t know where else to go with that.”
“Nyehehe, good. I was running out of things to say, too. But since you gave up first, I win.”
“And what do you want your prize for winning to be?”
“Remove all porn of my favorite cartoons from the internet.”
“I—I don’t think I could do that even if I wanted to.”
Akorya let out a sad sigh before looping her arms around my right arm, hugging it against her chest. “Anyways! We came here for a date, didn’t we? But instead, all we’re doing is talking. We’re supposed to be walking around like a cute couple going window shopping and flirting in front of everybody to make them jealous of us.”
I looked around at the various people who were already shooting glares at us every now and then. “I think we’re already doing that last part pretty well.”
“It doesn’t count until everybody is jealous.”
“Everybody?”
“Yep! We’re gonna make every player in the game jealous of us!”
“Are you trying to get bounties put on our heads?”
“Nyehe. If that happens, we’ll just have Thera protect us.”
“But she’s part of the game’s players, and you said you want to make every player jealous.”
“Oh. Oof. Okay, maybe not Thera. Or Lily. Or any of our friends. We’ll just make everybody else jealous.”
“You’re a dork.”
“You already called me that.”
“Just because I called you it once doesn’t mean I don’t get to call you it again.”
“Oh, that’s true, no cap.”
“Please, stop with the slang. I can’t handle it.”
“For real for real?”
“Give me my arm back. Only cute girls who don’t steal old school slang most kids these days don’t even know get to cuddle with my arm.”
“Nope! It’s mine now. No give backs.”
“I didn’t give it to you in the first place.”
“No take backs.”
If that was how she wanted to play, then that was how we were going to play. I grabbed her chin with my free hand, tilted her head back a little, and brought our lips together for a kiss right in the middle of everybody walking by.
Once the kiss was over, I looked into her eyes and said, “No take backs.”
Akorya grinned in response. “But why would I want to take that back?”
“I—alright. I didn’t think that through.”
“Nyehehe. Oh no, I got kissed for stealing your arm and I’m not allowed to take the kiss back! Whatever will I do! This is the worst that has ever happened!”
“You sarcastic little shit.”
“I’m your sarcastic little shit, Ma~st~er!”
“I’ll bite your nose.”
A hint of fear actually showed in Akorya’s eyes. “Bite—bite my nose?”
“That’s right.” I chomped the air to illustrate my point.
“But—but why would you do that?”
“So that I can retake some form of control over this situation.”
“Don’t—don’t bite my nose.”
“I’m gonna do it.”
“Please don’t!”
“I’m gonna bite it!”
The closer I brought my mouth to Akorya’s nose, the more she tried to back away in vain, her eyes wide and full of fear.
Then, after opening my mouth as wide as I could… I closed it around her nose, chomping onto it.
Gently, of course. I barely applied any pressure at all.
But even though I barely applied any pressure to biting her nose, the fact remained that we were standing there, in the middle of a crowded area, with her nose in my mouth while she cuddled my arm.
We looked ridiculous.
More importantly, once I was done “biting” her nose, I pulled away and saw her cheeks hosting a bright red color.
“You—you bit my nose,” Akorya whimpered.
“Told you I would,” I replied.
“But why… what did my nose ever do to you?”
“It was too cute to exist. That’s its crime worthy of being bitten. Also, I wanted to embarrass you just as you’ve been embarrassing me.”
She embarrassed me by using all that slang around me.
I embarrassed her by biting her nose in public.
Of course, no matter how embarrassed we were, we didn’t try to hide from the other or anything like that, nor did we seriously try to get the other person to stop. We were just having fun.
And now that I achieved my victory over her, the two of us could actually go about on the one-on-one date we decided on to go window shopping together in the game’s main city.
“You’re the worst, no cap, for real for real,” Akorya said, giggling right after.
Just like that, my victory was stolen away from me.
And you know what they say.
If you can’t beat them, join them.
“I’m straight bussin, no cap,” I said.
Akorya immediately cringed when she heard me say it. “Okay, I’ll stop.”
“Wh-what?”
“I know how bad it sounds now. I’m sorry for putting you through that.”
“So it’s okay when you do it, but not me?!”
“I’m a sinner who needs to repent. You win. I’m sorry. No more old slang.”
Akorya might have admitted defeat, but, for some reason, I still felt like the one who lost.
