Dungeons Just Want to Have Fun

“They are being tediously anal about this,” Kelsey griped.

Zaphar frowned in confusion. “I’m not— I’m not sure what buttocks have to do with the situation?”

Kelsey looked at him blankly for a second. “Oh!” she finally said. “Bad translation. There was an old, influential guy who attributed every problem a person could have with how they were toilet trained.”

“Toilet… trained?” Zaphar asked.

Anton sighed. Eventually, Zaphar would learn not to go down the rabbit hole.

“You were probably too young to remember,” Kelsey explained, “But at some point, you learned to defecate in a hole and not in your pants. That’s toilet training.”

“I see… but how does that relate to our situation?”

Kelsey sighed. “To say that someone is anal is to say that they are overly fixated on what comes out of their arse. As shown by their fixation on other things, like properly regulated wall patrols.”

“So… they are anal because they are doing their job properly?” Zaphar asked. “It seems a little rich for a thief to expect that the way in will be made easy for them.”

“There’s no reason for it, is all!” Kelsey exclaimed. “We’re in the heart of the Empire, probably. There shouldn’t be any external enemies that they need to worry about.”

“There are always threats for walls to guard against,” Zaphar replied. “Bandits, covert raids from other governers…” He gestured at the group of them. “Extraordinary intruders.”

“Even if that’s true,” Kelsey groused, “It doesn’t mean that I have to like it.”

Anton could agree with that, at least. They’d hoped to slip over the walls of whatever city was ahead of them once darkness fell, but the soldiers that manned the walls were not being cooperative. The top of the wall was well lit with the illumination reaching to the ground in many places. Guards kept up a constant patrol every half hour.

It wasn’t perfect. Anton thought there were a few gaps where Zaphar or himself could sneak through. Dropping a rope and hauling up Kelsey and Aris though… that would take too long.

“We need a distraction,” Kelsey mused. “And I think I know just the thing.”

“We’re not blowing up the wall,” Anton said immediately.

“I like the way you think, Anton, but you’re right.”

Kelsey grinned at him. Anton grimaced, that meant that his worst idea wasn’t the worst idea that she could come up with.

“I don’t think you could?” Zaphar put in. “The city walls are much thicker than the buildings you—” he broke off as Aris gave him a gentle cuff.

“Don’t challenge her, you idiot,” she told him.

Kelsey’s grin grew wider. “Well if there’s that much demand for it, I might reconsider. But we don’t know if word about us has made it here, and we don’t want to tip our hand this early.”

“So what’s your idea,” Anton asked, dreading the answer.

“You’re gonna love it,” Kelsey told him.

“I hate this idea,” Anton told Kelsey. The pair of them were alone in the darkness, a little way from the wall. Zaphar and Aris were waiting in position.

“You’re just saying that to be hurtful,” Kelsey said. “If you had a better idea you would have said it by now.”

“What if we carried you over the wall?” Anton tried.

“Zaphar can barely carry the rope I gave him, he’s not going to be able to carry a person while climbing. And you can’t carry the both of us.”

“Isn’t summoning monsters really costly, though?”

“Eh, zombies are as cheap as they come. And I overbudgeted for Suliel’s thing, she’s not going to need as many zombies as I thought.”

Anton took a moment to worry that Suliel was getting far too comfortable with undead monsters. Kelsey took advantage of the pause to summon her first zombie.

“Look,” she said as it stumbled away. “There’s no one out here, they must not let anyone build outside of the walls. These guys are going to smell the soldiers on top, they’re not going to go anywhere else.”

“Can they climb the wall?” Anton asked. Kelsey shrugged.

“I’m not sure,” she said. “This many, they might be able to clamber over themselves to get there. Doesn’t matter though, they’re not going to be a problem for trained soldiers.”

She kept summoning zombies. One after the other, they all shambled away, towards the city. Shortly after she stopped, they heard a shout coming from that direction.

“Just the thing,” she said smugly. “That’ll keep them heading in that direction.”

Anton had to lead Kelsey back to the place where they’d decided to cross. Kelsey needed to keep her gaze fixed on the backs of the shamblers, to make sure they remained on target. Once there, he gazed despondently at the empty section of wall above them.

“Come on,” Kelsey said. “It won’t last, as soon as they recover from the shock, they’ll send someone to check the rest of the wall.”

Anton nodded and took the rope she gave him. Climbing the wall, swiftly and silently, was easy enough thanks to Spider-climb. Kelsey wasn’t as graceful, but she could pull herself up the rope almost as fast as he could pull her up. The street behind the wall was well-lit, but it was empty so he lowered her down. He tossed her his end of the rope and she disposed of it before it fell to the ground.

A neat party trick, he thought as he made his way down.

“No shots fired,” Kelsey said when he rejoined her. “So I think they must have had just as easy a time. Let’s go.”

They both headed off in the appropriate direction. Anton was only barely paying attention, his thoughts were on something else.

He’d rejoined her. Standing on the wall, with her at the bottom, had been about as far as he’d managed to be from her since she’d put the geas on him. Not the absolute furthest, but close to it. And he’d felt… not nothing. He’d felt a twinge of unease, but his heart hadn’t started beating faster. The cold sweat hadn’t chilled his skin.

It had to be the effect of his new trait, Unwavering. Anton had hoped, but this was the first chance he had to test it since the sea battle. It seemed… promising. He grinned to himself as they met up with the others.

“So what’s the plan now?” Aris asked quietly.

“We need information, first,” Kelsey said. “First, what city are we in? Then, where can we find the slaver who has Cheia?”

She looked at Zaphar. “Since you’re the local, we’ll have you do most of the talking,” she said.

“If the goal is not to arouse suspicions, perhaps I should not ask those questions?” Zaphar protested. “What city am I in? How does one not know that?”

“I’m sure we can find someone whose opinion doesn’t matter,” Kelsey dismissed. “A drunk or a beggar or someone.”

“You said you had some idea, at least,” Zaphar countered.

“Fine,” Kelsey allowed. “We were planning on finding Cheia in Denasti, held captive by a courl called Zaraq Malik.”

“That’s something to work with,” Zaphar said, nodding. “So, when I was on the wall, I saw more lights in…”

He cast about, trying to orient himself. “In that direction, I think. It was probably the entertainment district? We can probably find someone to ask questions of there.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Kelsey said. “We can also find an inn to use as our base of operations.”

“Sure, sure,” Zaphar agreed. “But, but if our purpose is to avoid attention…” he trailed off nervously.

“What?” Kelsey asked.

“Dark-skinned humans are common enough, at least they are in Rused,” Zaphar said. “Pale-skinned ones like you though… are not.”

“You get travellers from the north though,” Kelsey said.

“I have seen them,” Zaphar admitted. “They, they do not wear what you wear though.”

Kelsey glared at him. “I’m not going to wear seal-skin leather and polar bear fur, thanks.”

“No, no!” Zaphar said, raising his hand in surrender. “Perhaps something more… local? That covered your skin?”

There was a tense moment of silence, that was finally broken by Kelsey.

“Yeah,” she said. “I could probably do something like that.”

“What!” Anton and Aris chorused.

“Right back at you,” Kelsey said, scowling at them. “What’s your problem?”

“You could have worn normal clothing all this time,” Anton lamented. “People thought I was crazy for associating with you.”

“Well,” Kelsey said reasonably. “All of those other times, I wasn’t trying to stay unnoticed.”

Without any fuss or fanfare, a garment of deep blue cloth appeared around her. Anton was sure that it had a name in Elitran, but the closest he could come to it was a robe.

Kelsey tugged a fold of cloth over her head, concealing her features. The long sleeves of the robe allowed her to hide her hands.

“Will this do?” she asked. “It’s basically the same as what I made for the slaves.”

Zaphar nodded vigorously. “Yes, yes, that will do nicely! As long as you do not speak, people will think you are a rich lady who has hired me to ask questions. If you two walk behind her, no one will look twice.”

“Back to being a slave,” Aris groused.

“No, no— I mean, seem to be, yes.” Zaphar spluttered.

“This won’t last,” Kelsey promised. “Once we’ve got the information we need, we’ll act. Incognito will go out the window shortly after, I suspect.”

“Let’s get going then,” Anton said.

It took a little while to walk to the entertainment district, as Zaphar called it. He found someone to confirm that the city was, in fact, Denasti. Kelsey had an address for Malik, so they agreed to leave chasing that lead until the morning. They moved on to finding an inn to stay at.

“Not this one,” Zaphar said of the first one they tried. “The cloth of your kaftan is too fine for a low-class dive like this.”

“But I like low-class dives,” Kelsey protested. “Did I make this thing too well?”

Anton looked at her inquiringly. “You’ve always stayed at the best inns available, before,” he said.

“Well, yeah, but low profile, remember?”

“I’ll find something,” Zaphar said.

“Something with a bath,” Aris insisted.

They eventually found a place that suited them. Three bedrooms, linked by a common room for dining and discussions.

“Cozy and private,” Kelsey had said of the arrangement. “I like it.”

Now, with Aris taking the first bath, they started making plans.

“Once we find out where this place is,” Kelsey said, “We’re going to have to scope it out. That’s going to be on you,” she told Zaphar.

He nodded. “I’ll be able to sneak in the next night and get an idea of where everything is,” he said.

Kelsey shook her head. “Yeah, we’ll do that, but we’re going to have you go in during the day.”

“I’m not… I don’t think I can sneak in during the day,” Zaphar said cautiously.

“You won’t be,” Kelsey said. “Remember when I said you were going to be doing the talking? We’re going to dress you up like a rich person and you’re going to go in saying you want to buy some slaves.”

“Ah… I’m not sure I’m suited for that? I don’t— I’m not the right sort?”

“You’ll be fine,” Kelsey said, dismissing his concerns. “Unless you think I should do it?”

She probably could do it, Anton thought. Her Charisma was as high as the rest of her Abilities, which explained how she was able to bull her way through social situations when everything about her screamed to run away.

Zaphar was not so lucky. Anton used Delver’s Discernment, to remind him of what the thief’s Charisma was.

Zaphar Alpashan, Level 16, Fae-touched Rogue, Thief/Burglar/Fae-touched Rogue, S: 4 T: 17 A: 24 D: 27 P: 17 W: 10 C: 7

He had the worst Charisma out of the whole group. Of course, that meant that he was easily convinced to do the job.

“Yeah fine, whatever,” he said, caving to the pressure.

“Don’t forget the escape plan,” Anton said. “We won’t have a Fae to get us out of trouble this time, and there are sure to be more Fourth Tiers in this city.

“Yeah,” Kelsey agreed. “We should ask around about those. I’m not too worried though.”

She grinned evilly. “We’ve got a city full of slaves and a Heroic Liberator at our disposal. This city won’t know what hit it.”