Crimson Instinct

*Xin Lei*

My hands were still wrapped around Bai Li. He leaned in and softly kissed my forehead.

"I am sorry."

I smiled. I pulled his head and let it rest on my chest. We stayed quiet like that for some time while I was brushing my fingers through his hair.

Then he laid back on his side and took me in his arms, and I hugged his chest.

A few moments later, I typed. "Okay. Now let get some things straight. First, promise me that you won't blame yourself anymore."

Bai Li trailed his hand through my back and said, "I promise I will never do that."

I typed again. "Then promise me that you won't push me away again. That you won't distance yourself from me anymore. You hurt me when you said to my Dad that I should go back."

I softly hit on his chest.

It seemed he felt guilty. "I promise I won't push you away again. I am sorry for hurting you. I will not say that again. I...need you Xin Lei. Please don't go."

I nodded satisfied, and pecked his chin.

Then I typed. "And then promise me that this time we will work hard to cure you of your PTSD."

Bai chuckled. "That's a lot of promises you are asking."

I pinched his cheek hard.

"Ow!" Bai Li rubbed his cheek showing a distressed and hurt expression. I rolled my eyes, seeing his acting.

I typed. "It's your fault. You were the one taking everything on yourself and thinking so stupid and negative. You didn't leave me a choice."

Bai Li sighed and softly whispered. "I won't run away from my fears anymore. I promise. I will work hard this time and cure my... PTSD for good."

I smiled and typed. "En. And you are not alone. We are in this together. We will both work on your anxiety. You don't have to feel that you are doing it all by yourself."

Bai Li quietly stared at my direction. He raised his hand and felt my face with his fingers. I closed my eyes and felt every bit of the sensation his touch left on me.

"Aaahhh now really…you are making me want to kiss you again." He sighed.

I giggled. I leaned in and kissed him. He widened his eyes a little in surprise but soon responded. It was short but gentle, and our lips moved akin to dancing on a soft, melodious tune. It felt just like how everything calms down after a raging storm.

We slowly pulled back, and I typed. "You don't have to think too much. Don't we like each other? I am always happy and ready for a kiss by you anytime."

I laughed as Bai Li seemed to look stumped and dumbstruck. "I feel like I am the girlfriend in this relationship, and you are the boyfriend. Not that I mind as long as we stay together."

I chuckled.

Bai Li asked as he gently combed his fingers through my hair. "…How should we begin my treatment again?"

I thought about it. I knew a lot of competent specialists in various fields of medicine. That was one advantage of being a good doctor. You have lots of connections. Among that in psychology, I knew one doctor who was the best in that field. He had successfully helped many people out of anxiety and depression issues.

Well… But there was a slight problem. And it happened too long back when I was in high school.

But for me, curing Bai Li's condition was more important than what the problem was. Quality treatment meant everything.

It might get awkward a little, but I have to do this. I cannot compromise or settle for any less for Bai Li.

"Xin Lei?"

I snapped out of my daze. I quickly typed. "Don't worry about it. I know an excellent doctor who can help you."

I wondered if I should tell him now. It had been ten years since that, and I didn't know if it meant anything now, but I didn't want to keep from him anything.

"And?"

I guess he understood that I had something on my mind.

I sighed and typed. "But well, he had confessed to me when we were in high school."

I saw Bai Li slowly raise his right brow as he seemed a bit…curious?

Damn, what was I thinking?

I suddenly felt a little nervous. It will definitely sound weird if I introduce Bai Li to him.

I cautiously sneaked a peek at him.

"Right. I talked about my teenage days, but we didn't talk much about yours. I see...So were you two dating?"

I cleared my throat. I really, really felt too awkward. I typed. "Yes, but really I hardly consider that as any dating."

"Eh?"

I scratched my head. I typed again. "I mean it was for only one month, I guess. I didn't have feelings for him, but since he genuinely meant his confession, I thought it wouldn't be bad to give it a try. But then we broke up. That was it."

"Oh…"

I carefully observed Bai Li's expression.

Did he want to ask about the reason for the breakup?

Well, it wasn't wrong to feel curious.

I typed. "Do you want to ask anything?"

It felt like he was contemplating something in his mind.

"Can I?"

I nodded and tapped on his hand twice.

Bai Li pulled me closer to him and muttered something. "...still...him?"

Huh? I didn't get anything that he said.

I typed. "I didn't hear you."

He coughed. "If we meet him again, then well...I don't know…"

I frowned.

"...Will you start to like him again? Is he better than me?"

"..."

I was utterly speechless. At that moment, I truly felt that I didn't know how his brain worked.

I slapped him hard on his head.

I typed fast. "Were you even listening to me? I said I never liked him. If I didn't like him then, then how can I like him now? And especially when I already have you."

I saw Bai Li's face turning red, and its shade was turning brighter by a notch every second.

I typed. "For me, you are not just better than him. You are the best. Idiot."

"Right… I forgot that. I am so stupid." Bai Li looked embarrassed.

You are. I don't doubt that now.

Then we heard somebody knocking on the door.

"Xin Lei. Bai Li. It's me. Liao Huifang. Can we talk?"