A Murder Wizards Adventure

uugghhh owwwww.

Everything hurts.

Why does my head feel like someone took a hammer to it?

God, I feel so tired and hungry and sick and my mouth tastes like a disgusting sound.

That doesn't even make any sense.

Opening my eyes proves to be a mistake as I am clearly in front of the sun.

owwwww.

I'm lying on my stomach on what's probably a bed, and my arm is dangling off the side, so I try to push myself into a seated position but end up falling on the floor.

And then I have to get on my hands and knees so I don't choke on my vomit.

God, I feel awful.

What the fuck happened last night.

As I try to think back on the night I'm hit with the most punding headache of my life that makes me throw up again, even if it's more like dry heaving at this point.

Uuurghh.

Getting upright on my knees was a struggle itself, then I slowly, oh so slowly, work my eyes open.

It takes a few minutes for them to get used to light enough that it's only uncomfortable and not such a stabbing pain, even while I'm squinting.

"Where the fuck am I?"

Owwww.

My throat is all dry and scratchy and I just noticed that I am so damn thirsty.

Before I can think further I am attacked amd collapse on the floor, vomiting again.

Owwwwwwwwwwwww.

"What the fuck was that?"

"That was me talking."

Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

"Do you have to be so loud? you're killing me here."

Seriously, his voice sounds so booming, like he's somehow speeking with a deep reverb.

"Get up Hanabira-kun, you have an appointment to get to."

Who the fuck is even talking to me, and where even am I?

Actually looking around now that my eyes aren't trying to commit suicide, I notice I'm in a really nice room, like, /really/ really nice room, with a lovely big bed that is slightly ruined by the poop on one of the pillows and the other bodily fluids staining othe rparts of the duvet.

Looking at myself I see some unfriendly, smelly stains on me too.

Damn.

Looking back up, the movement forcing me to grab my head, I look at the bedside table and see a photo of the Hokage and his wife, Biwako? I think that's her name.

What, is this the Hokage's bedroom or something?

...

Oh fuck.

"Oh shit."

"Oh shit indeed Hanabira-kun."

Turning around at the reminder I'm not alone, barely stopping myself from falling into my vomit from the spin, I see none other than Takeshi standing there, looking thouroughly unimpressed.

"Double fuck."

"Yes, now get up, as I said, you have an appointment. Now."

Understanding his severity, and thankful that he's been patient with me as I was slowly waking up, I gut up immediately and stumble over to him, head hanging low.

I'm so fucked.

I don't even know what happened.

I fall in step as Takeshi leads us away, idly noting that the sun must have only just risen, which explains at least part of why I'm so damn tired.

All I remember is going out for drinks, I made out with some hot woman so Hawk could get laid later, then things slowly get blurry and I think I sang Mr Blue Sky before everything went blank.

The fuck did we do?

How much time did I lose? How long did we keep going that I can't remember?

Most importantly, why was I in the Hokages bedroom and WAS THAT MY SHIT ON HIS BED?

I am deeply and irrevocably fucked.

Takeshi leads us to the Hokage tower, thankfully using the back entrence, so only a few people have to see me looking like this.

But as Takeshi starts to leed me up the stairs, I start to get this sinking feeling that I know the destination.

I'm proven right a minute later as I stumble before the Hokage's office.

"Listen Takeshi, is this really necessary? I'm sure the Hokage is a busy man, is this such a matter that needs his attention?"

"Considering lady Biwako had to call for his ANBU guard about a break in and then sleep in a guest room I think Hiruzen would find it worth his time, not to mention, he himself could not sleep in his own bed last night."

Ah, fuck, am I going to be executed for treason? It's not like I'm in the state to escape right now.

Takeshi doesn't let me collect myself and opens the door, walking in without glancing at me.

I think about running but that would probably make things worse, so I stumble my way inside and see the nine people in this world I could call a friend standing at attention, some looking better than others, some looking just as bad as me, like Kaito, who is covered in cuts, some still bleeding on his face.

Is that ok?

I join the end of the line without being asked, all of us facing the Hokage who is ignoring us in favour of his paperwork, until Takeshi closes the door, a little too loudly if the flinch all of us gave is any indication, probably on purpose.

None of us say anything as Takeshi stands behind the Hokage, looking at us with shadenfreude as Hiruzen looks us all in the eyes one at a time.

Is it my imagination or did his eyes stay on me the longest?

Finally he opens his mouth and speaks a single word in a voice too loud to be normal but short of shouting, making it ring in my head painfully, also probably on purpose as we all flinch.

"Takeshi."

Takeshi nods and starts speaking in that, tone you use when reciting a report, only louder the bastard.

"Yōichi Satō, codename Goat, was found asleep inside of a bin on the market street early this morning by the Uchiha patrol
Kōichi Sasaki, codename Dove, was found inside the Inuzuka compound asleep with the Ninken by their morning carer.
Tetsuya Katō, codename Horse, was found asleep inside of one of the chunin barraks having beaten everyone else ther unconcious by their trainer when he went to see why they were all late.
Yūkichi Yoshida, codename Mantis, was found sleeping inside of a civilians house by it's occupants who reported a stranger asleep in their spare bed to the Uchiha police.
Tatsuya Kikuchi, codename Raven, was found inside a casino's vault by their morning security.
Jack, codename Sparrow, was found inside a Liquor store surrounded by rum by the owner not long ago.
Kaito Uzumaki, codename Fox, was found inside of a pet store surrounded by catnip and sleeping with a horde of cats that were previously making a mees of the Hokage tower, by the store owner.
Jun Tamura, codename Crow, was found inside the bed of one Tume Inuzuka, the fifteen year old clan heiress, by her mother, who he then drunkenly propositioned.
Shiori Fujii, codename Hawk, was found inside the bed of one Himiko Hyuuga along side one Fuyumi Uchiha, by her father this morning.
Lastly Hanabira Haruno, codename Butterfly, was found inside of the Hokages bedroom sleeping next to a defecation by Lady Biwako as she went to bed."

...fuck.

"Thank you, Takeshi, for informing us all of the situation. Now, what should I do with you lot?"

"Uh.. let us go?"

Thank you Tatsuya, for having the courage to say what I did not.

"Unfortunately not, I suppose I will go in order then, Sato-san and Sasaki-san, you are both free of punishment as no one was badly inconvinienced or upset by your actions, Kato-san, you will have to appologise to all of the chunin you injured, as well as provide monetary compensation, Yoshida-san, you will merely have to appologise to the civilians in question and explain the situation to them."

Here, Hiruzen pauses letting us all take a breather as he prepares to give the no doubt more, punishing punishments.

"Now, Kikuchi-san, Jack and Uzumaki-san, you will all provide reparations to the buisnesses you have damaged as we cannot prove you were responsible for anything other than the break and entry and vandalism of property."

While saying that he was looking rather intensly at Kaito.

"Lastly, you three. I'm not even sure what to think about you three. First, Tamura-san, you will not only have to deal with an angry Inuzuka Heiress, for propositioning her mother in front of her, but you will also have to marry said Inuzuka, because even though she is also angry, Lady Inuzuka agrees with her husband that their daughter cannot be deflowered by anyone other than her husband, or husband to be in this case, congratulations."

Jun is too shocked to even respond and just stares ahead with his mouth agape.

"Fujii-san, both the Uchiha and Hyuuga clans are very upset with you for your actions, and were it not for Fuyumi-san and Himiko-san defending you, they would likely be asking for your head, as it is, both clans have agreed that they wish for noone to ever hear of this incident and your pay will also be cut 40% for the next two months."

"I understand Hokage-sama."

Lucky her, she got a dope threesome and a light-ish punishment /and/ is sober enough to give a proper response.

"Now, that leaves you Hanabira Haruno, my wife and I were not able to sleep on our bed tonight, in fact, my wife has decided to get a new bed, as she doesn't wish to sleep on that bed after what she saw of you on it. So, matching the nature of your crime, you will spend one day, every week for the next year, helping the Inuzuka by cleaning their Ninken pens of dog excriment, also your pay will be cut in half for the next six months and you will attend mandetory physical training with vulture every day you do not have a mission for the next six months."

Why is the world so cruel.

I don't even remember doing any crimes!

Except for underage drinking I suppose.

With a mental sigh I nod and give a response that could generously be called an acknowledgement.

"Now get out of my office and clean yourselves."

We all leave in sombre silence and once the door is closed I turn to Shiori with a grin.

"So? How was it?"

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A/N: He~llo! Dear readers!

Drink in moderation kids!

I only have one playlist downloaded and it's celtic rock, it's good but I don't want to listen to it on repeat forever, thankfully though I should have enough data now to download my actual liked playlist :>

Also other than writing the only entertainment i have until wifi is bop-it and Ive already beaten the first level but im only halfway on the second.

https://ko-fi.com/bored_works