A Murder Wizards Adventure

After knocking on the door, I enter seeing Yamada sitting behind her desk as usual, with her room a new colourful spread, she likes to change it out often whenever she feels like it, right now it's some mix of blue, yellow and green yet somehow doesn't seem offensive to the eyes.

Yamada likes to change the colours around whenever she feels like it, which is quite often, generally to some colourful visage.

See, ANBU is the home of the crazy and the broken, so our therapists can't really be typical therapists.

This means that there are a few types of therapists.

There are the serious ones, all stoic and business-like, these are for the men and women who get stressed out by casualness and need someone who can help them whilst keeping the vibe of a mission report that they're comfortable with.

Then there is the opposite, the therapists that will baby you and talk softly or just hold you if you need it. These are for the men and women desperate for affection but unable to trust anyone enough to receive said affection.

Yamada is the type that's just here to have fun really, I don't think she really cares about any of her patience, she just enjoys the word games like I do, and having interesting conversations. She will still do her job, and try to help us, I think that's the game for her, have fun conversations and see if she can't change us while she's at it.

But that is exactly what people like me need, someone blunt and evasive at the same time, someone casual who doesn't particularly care about us, but enjoys talking with us all the same.

She's completely unsympathetic even if she badly pretends to be, honestly that just makes it more fun, and it means she isn't afraid to say things one would generally consider offensive.

Anyway, Yamada gestures to the seat in front of her desk, and I sit without a word.

Yamada puts her pen down and pushes what she was writing on off to the side before facing me properly, sitting straight.

"So, Butterfly, how have you been since we last talked?"

Butterfly? oh yeah, I'm still wearing my mask, she is my designated therapist, so obviously she knows who I actually am.

I take my mask of and smile as I respond,

"Oh you know, same old same old, you?"

"I've been doing just fine, I read a paper recently by one Yamanaka who cited a paragraph to one of her patients that sounded an awful lot like something you once told me?"

"Well, isn't that a coincidence? That's why you bring it up right? Cuz it's an interesting coincidence, after all, investigating an ANBU members personal life can be punishable by death."

Her smile widens at my not very subtle threat, she really is fun.

"Of course, I just thought I'd share, still, what brings you here today?"

"Can't I just come here to talk?"

"You can, but I don't think you quite like me enough to do so."

"Ouch, I'm hurt, do you really think so lowly of me Yama?"

"I think very highly of you Hana, however coming here without a proper reason would never be 𝘦𝘧𝘧𝘪𝘤𝘪𝘦𝘯𝘵."

Damn, hitting me straight in the autism, so cold.

"Well, I did have an interesting mission recently, S-class even."

"S-class? does that mean you're not allowed to talk about it with me?"

"Even if that would normally be the case, this mission is already something rather... well known."

"What happened at Uzu, no?"

"Indeed, met some interesting people there, had some fun too."

"I hear that the Kyuubi showed up to play, you didn't happen to have anything to do with that, would you?"

"Oh, Yamada, your confidence in me is heart warming, but do you truly think I have the power to command the likes of the Kyuubi? I am only eight you know?"

"Obviously I don't think that, but if there is one thing I've learned, it's that if something really unexpected is happening, then you probably have your hand in it somehow, you're unpredictable like that."

"Your words bring me great joy, but how would one even try to command the Kyuubi?"

"If I had to guess, one would have used Genjutsu somehow to make everyone think the Kyuubi is there as a deception, how do you think one would do such?"

"Well, hypothetically, one could make a hollow construct and simply layer a Genjutsu over that to make it look loke a big ol' monster."

"While this is a fascinating hypothetical, it is my job to talk more about feelings, so why don't you tell me about those 'interesting people' that you met?"

"Well, one of them was the Uzumaki patriarch, Tsukino, he was a pretty cool guy then there was Atsuyuki, just a normal jonin, who liked painting, there was Harunoshin, he liked fighting, Dainosuke liked spending time with his family, and lastly there was Ugen, who liked messing around with seals."

Yamada pauses for a moment at my recollection,

"I see, and what did you feel about these men?"

I don't respond for a minute, and when I do it's barely above a whisper,

"...they were pretty cool... they faced their death with a smile and a laugh.. how could I not respect that?"

"And what happened to these people you respect?"

"Why ask superfluous questions?"

"It's my job, and I find that saying it out loud tends to help people come to terms with it."

"...they died.. they died giving me some time to live.. they died venting their anger on the cause of their grief."

"And how do you feel about their deaths?"

"I don't know."

"Would you rather they were alive?"

"Yeah."

"Will you visit their graves?"

"Maybe."

"Then what you're feeling is likely some smattering of grief, not enough that an average person would feel, but you are feeling some, to put it in terms you once used, your 'dome' of emotions that is usually empty of anything but amusement, now has grief brushing along the edges."

"Yeah. I can see that."

"So, what happened then?"

"I lived."

"Evidently so, but that wasn't what I was asking."

"Then perhaps you should be more clear when you speak?"

"That's assuming the fault is my lack of clarity, and not your forceful misunderstanding so you can avoid the question."

"Now you're assuming that the fault lies with me instead of yourself, can't handle making a mistake?"

"Very well then, I will be clearer, after these people you cared for and respected died horrible painful deaths, what actions did you engage in for the following days?"

This bitch. If I wasn't smiling so much, you'd probably think I was mad, but I find the uncaring words to be comforting honestly, it's so much easier to talk to people you don't like, because then you don't have to care about what they will think about your words or actions.

It's a little freeing.

"I killed some Kiri-nin and took his place, pretended to be one of them 'till we got to the mainland, where I ran back."

"I can't imagine someone like you would have enjoyed mingling with the likes of Kiri-nin?"

"Such an accurate imagination you have, are you perhaps a seer?"

"Indeed, and I 'see' you telling me about how your time with the Kiri-nin was."

"Well, if you've already 'seen' it then I guess I needn't say anything."

"Must you be so obstructive today?"

"I have no idea what you mean."

"Clearly something is bothering you and you are avoiding talking about it."

"Fine then, it felt disgusting."

"Disgusting how?"

"You know I have a thing about politeness, well the Kiri-nin were the epitome of impolite, and I had to pretend to be a loud, abrasive, vulgar person like them, surrounded by them. It made my skin itch and I felt sick. I never realised my psychosis was so severe until then."

"Hmmm, I see why you would be concerned, but your feelings didn't affect your performance?"

"Of course not."

"You feel better, 'cleaner' now?"

"Yeah, I had a long bath first thing."

"Then it's not too large a problem, is it? It just means that occasionally you will have a mission that you do not enjoy, but such is the life of a ninja. So long as you can still complete the mission and you are not affected long term, then rather than psychosis, it's more like a severe personal preference."

"I guess so."

"Is there anything else you had on your mind?"

"What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

Before she can even process my question, I've already left with a shunshin.

I hope she stays up all night trying to think of the answer, who knows? maybe she will actually have an answer? I certainly don't.

Anyway, after putting back on my mask, I head to inventory to get a new storage scroll, because I 'lost' mine. Heh.

But on the way, I am waylaid by a passing ANBU who tells me that Lion is looking for me.

Not wanting to keep one of my, like, three direct superiors waiting, I head straight for his office.

Knocking and entering, Lion looks up at me, and without speaking gets up and walks around his desk to stand beside me and after staring at me for a moment, he pats my shoulder and tells me to follow him.

Shunshining after him we shortly find ourselves in the Hokage Tower and start walking, allowing me to finally ask a question, but considering where we are, I ask in sign. We're not supposed to talk around the normies after all.

𝘞𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘪𝘴 𝘩𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘦𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨?

𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘴𝘦𝘦.

Well, that's both ominous and greatly unhelpful.

After walking for a while, we make it to the top floor, where the Hokage's office is and Lion knocks on the door, getting a response from a deep and powerful voice,

"Enter."

We do, and inside is not what I was expecting.

Instead of just the Hokage, there is also Wolf, Takeshi and Mito Uzumaki of all people.

Not really knowing what to do, I just sort of stand in the middle of the room, with the most powerful person in the village in front of me, and my commander and his second to my left, with the Kyuubi's Jinchuriki and Wolf to my right.

While I know everyone here is my ally but standing here I can't help but realise that everyone in this room could probably kill me pretty easily single headedly. And there are five of them, technically six.

It's a little intimidating.

The Hokage speaks up, naturally,

"Do you know why you are here, Butterfly?"

Fuck, his chakra is so powerful, I can feel it radiating off of him. Kage's are really something else, especially since he's in his prime, no way Orochimaru could have killed the current Hiruzen.

Not that I actually know how that happened, I'm just 70% sure that Orochimaru killed him in canon.

Oh yeah, I'm supposed to respond.

"uh, no sir."

He seems to find my stutter amusing,

"For you actions in the rescue of the Uzumaki, as well as previous merit taken into account, with the recommendation of Wolf"

At this he nods to Wolf who steps up to speak,

"I believe butterfly has shown the qualities of a leader in Uzu, as he instilled direction in the people whilst having no problem coming up with an out of the box solution and keeping peoples attention enough to explain it and would be perfectly capable of leading his own team."

His piece said Wolf steps back and Hiruzen continues as if he never stopped talking.

"and with the support of the Uzumaki as a whole, I am hereby promoting you to Jonin, as well as assigning you the designation of squad captain in the ANBU."

Uh. What? The Jonin part I can kind of get, I 𝘤𝘢𝘯 fight a Jonin after all, at least if I'm allowed to use my tricks, something Vulture doesn't allow, the sadistic bastard.

But squad captain? Having that designation makes me the superior of the majority of ANBU members, combined with my Jonin position, the only people who can actually order me around would be the Kage, the ANBU commander and his right hand.

This means I only really have three superiors.

But I'm not even in the double digits yet? Isn't this rash?

"You seem confused? Please feel free to speak without formality."

Ah, right, they're still here. And if he says so.

"uh, yeah, a little, with all due respect, but aren't I a little... young?"

"Do you think yourself undeserving of the achievement? While you are certainly young, but you have also been in the ANBU for two years now, so you won't even be setting the record for fastest promotion, though you are certainly the youngest."

"uhm, thanks?"

Hiruzen and Mito seem to find my confusion amusing and while I can't see the others' faces, they probably do too, but seriously, how am I supposed to respond to this?

Mito interrupts my thoughts by speaking up for the first time,

"In addition to this, as the new matriarch of the Uzumaki, I wanted to give you this, and to let you know that if you ever need for anything, to come and see me, and we will help you however we can. Tsukino-kun made sure that my kin would remember the architect of their survival, and I- no, 𝘸𝘦 will forever be grateful for what you have accomplished."

Ok now I'm just getting a little uncomfortable,

"please, I was only an instrument of their survival, I couldn't help with the preparations, that was all you guys, and I was only like, one sixth of the distraction making me at best only one seventh of the reason your kin made it to safety. I shouldn't receive all the praise."

Not when the others were so happy to die for their family.

Everyone in the room react to my response, but I am way out of my depth here, so I have no idea what any of the reactions mean.

"Indeed, that is the case, however we have no way to repay the sacrifice of the five who were with you, whereas you still live."

Don't remind me.

Still, this is a good opportunity, why am I trying to throw away free sealing lessons?

"in that case, I gratefully accept, mito-sama."

That was apparently the end of that, meeting dismissed, not before Mito gave me a small medallion type thing made out of wood, with the Uzumaki swirl on it, probably something for identification purposes. Mito stayed behind as we left.

"report to training room 7 tomorrow to meet your new team."

With his words, Takeshi and Lion disappear in a shunshin, leaving me and Wolf alone.

"you ass, you recommended me? without even asking? or, I don't know, giving me a heads up?"

Wolf just looks at me, raises his mouth slightly to show his smirk, then disappears too, leaving me alone. Dick.

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A/N: He~llo! Dear readers!

Sorry if his promotion seems out of place, but it kinda makes sense and it's important for something fun I have planned.

Also I did some thinking about something I wanted to do and weather or not to make him become slightly op, but decided against it, because its more fun if he has to work at least a little for his victories, so he aint gonna be beating any Kage for a long while now.

https://ko-fi.com/bored_works