Zeroth Moment: My Cheat Skill Is Stupid, So I'll Just Ignore It

"Christopher," Kelfir murmured reproachfully, "you must elucidate your logic."

"It's simple." Topher wanted to weep; he wrapped his arms around his knees and stared up at the others with haunted eyes. "We've all been wondering why the Demon Lord doesn't just destroy us, right?" He gestured at the map. "Look at this shit. Even after we blew up the goddamn world to try to stop him, he's still so much stronger than us that we don't even have a ghost of a chance. And if I had to guess..." -- he looked at Sahlerra -- "...he probably doesn't even need an army, does he? You're the only one that knows him by name -- you keep calling him 'Kholoth', like he's your best friend or something. You tell me I'm wrong."

Sahlerra blinked, faltered; her gaze fell to the floor wordlessly, and Topher nodded again. "That's what I thought. He's probably Level One Million, or something. So why, everybody's been asking, are we all still alive?" He turned to look at the projection again. "Well, where I come from, we don't have any monsters, or any Demon King, or any of that kind of shit. And do you know what Otherworlders do all day? Do you know what we've done since the first two fucking caveman tribes shared a border?"

Hana looked as devastated as Topher felt. "We kill each other," she answered tonelessly. Behind her, Rudo nodded in hopeless assent.

"That's right. We fucking kill each other." He buried his face in his knees. "And that's on a good day, when we're not raping and enslaving and torturing each other. And the only thing that's ever gotten us to band together -- to stop being awful to each other and start working as a team..." -- he shuddered, unable to look Hana in the eye -- "...is a bigger monster to fight."

He stood, very slowly. "A long-ass time ago -- about five thousand years, as you guys count time -- there was a war in our world. The biggest war that had ever happened, so big that it involved our entire goddamned planet -- and that wasn't even the first world war, because of course we're so awful that we had to have two of them -- occurred between two powers. And, to make this as shitty as possible..." he choked up, unable to continue.

Hana, fists clenched, stood up and came to his rescue. "Bailey-sama's nation was on one side; mine was on the other. And they destroyed us, with a weapon which created more devastation than any other weapon that had ever been used before." She glanced sidelong at Quint. "A weapon I imagine was described to you."

Quint nodded, looking barely alive; he tried to speak, but couldn't, and just closed his eyes as tears trickled out.

"So." Topher gave Hana a grateful look, then turned back to face the other two Archmages; Sahlerra's expression was already collapsing under the dawning horror as what Topher was saying penetrated her mind. "Suppose you're an ancient, impossibly powerful being, and you want this world to not be a constant crapsack of abject misery. You need people to unite, to work together. So what do you do?"

Kelfir was the last to get it; his mouth dropped open in astonishment. "You give them an enemy."

Topher nodded grimly. "You give them an enemy." He turned back to Zashe. "You're the only one here who's probably studied history as it applies to people, rather than magic or monsters or some other kind of fucked-up shit. Does this sound like something that makes sense?"

The king returned his gaze, nodding as well. "The history of the nations was... much more contentious in the past. But when the Demon King became unsealed for the first time one hundred years ago, rivalries were set aside as you describe. It was thought to be coincidence..." He trailed off, looking thoughtful. "Are you insinuating that the Demon King is our ally?"

"Let's ask the one who's been in bed with him -- maybe only figuratively, maybe not." Topher turned back to Sahlerra. "You're the only one who knows anything about this guy. Stop being cagey and spill it."

She shook her head. "I have only observed him through shadows. He is analytical, but mercurial; self-assured, thoughtful, regal..." she stopped, considering her words carefully. "I have never seen any evidence of concern for humans. But he leaves most of his governance to his advisors."

"Right, so let's start with that." Topher clapped his hands. "Advisors. Big cool demon guys. How many? Are they nice to humans?"

Sahlerra gave him an incredulous look. "They despise us. Oft I have detected them considering my death even while I appeared to be giving them crucial intelligence; only their Spymaster was willing to overlook hatred to make use of me." She crossed her arms, breasts jutting prominently out in defiance. "Besides, Kholoth rules alone now; those who survived the battle and subsequent chaos have been executed for their incompetence."

"Well, him and his new jailbait queen, sure. And this Spymaster guy, he's dead too? You're sure?" Topher felt like a dog with a bone; he wasn't sure if he was pushing this too far. But Rudo nodded encouragingly, and Zanasha beheld him with obvious pride; he had to fight down a surge of embarrassed pleasure at her expression.

Sahlerra frowned. "I had assumed..." She looked up and to her left, peering into dancing stars of cyan and magenta light that swirled within clouds of shadow around her. "Perhaps... no. I cannot confirm it."

"Okay. So maybe that guy, at least, is still alive." Topher began to pace again. "I don't suppose you know his name?"

"Name and title." Sahlerra lifted her chin arrogantly. "Vius Mak Ghiroth, Wielder of Fortunes and Prince of Spies."

Hana gasped audibly; Topher rocked back on his heels, confused for a moment, before he remembered. "Shit." In his mind's eye, the memory burned; Vius should have never trusted a human, much less one of you. "That's the guy," he murmured, astonished. "He's the one who turned Hana."

The one who sent the assassins. The one who turned Noboru.

The one who killed Lulein.

Oh, shit. We are so fucked.

"Kelfir." Topher turned, horrified, to face the Archmage; the elf's face was a mask of confusion. "Listen, listen to me. Whatever happens, you have to keep your cool, all right? Promise me."

The elf looked insulted in the extreme. "How dare...?" But after a moment, he sobered; Topher could see pain wash through him as he remembered all the times that he'd done awful things to Topher, and he quailed in his soul at how he was abusing the elf's trust. But, eventually, Kelfir nodded. "I promise. You have never given me cause to doubt you; I would be a fool to disregard that now."

"Great. I hate to ask it; but it might be our last chance." He turned back to Sahlerra. "Assume that this Vius guy is important somehow, and maybe responsible for at least some of what's kept your world from turning into a bloodbath for the last century. Kholoth probably wants to kill him now; how would he do it? And why is Vius still alive when all the other advisors are dead?"

"As a Spymaster, he is no doubt adept at deception." She pondered, resting her dainty chin on the heel of her hand and crossing her legs; Topher rolled his eyes at the expanse of thigh this exposed beneath the Archmage's tight skirt. "As for how he would destroy him... Kholoth likely cannot vacate his throne to pursue him if he wishes to have any hope of saving his kingdom, with all the chaos. So he would send his most powerful ally."

"Such as, perhaps, his new queen?" Rudo suggested, eyebrows raised.

Instantly, Topher got it; he whirled to face Quint, who was even now jolting out of his chair with renewed energy. "The Aetheric Augurus!" they both shouted at once. The Archmage fumbled it from out of a pocket in his battle-stained gray robe; Topher, spreading his hands wide, fell into a Metaphrastic trance immediately. "Leafwind, Siukh," Quint commanded, fire coming back into his eyes, "assist me. Link to the projection! Tanok Jhu Fuush Elrr!" As Topher's akasha began to flow into the Augurus, he closed his eyes and began murmuring a long and complex sequence of runes. "The rest of you, tell us what you see!"

Topher's vision was an infinite well of complexity; the Archmages, casting spells on all sides of him, surrounded him with a tempestuous sea of power that threatened to drown him. Worse, this place was itself swollen with echoes of past workings so mighty that he felt smothered and crushed by their mere echoes; it was all he could do to hold his concentration. Blotting everything else out, he shut his eyes and concentrated on the sight of Suzume Saiki as he had last seen her; blonde pixie hair, black cat-eared hoodie, giant green glowing skull staff, and that flat, expressionless gaze of cool and inhuman intellect. Find her. Get some goddamned answers.

Amidst the projection, a small blue dot formed, with the name "Suzume Saiki" written next to it. "She's crossing the ocean south of Pioren," reported Hana, leaning down to peer at the dot, "at... incredible speed. Oh!" She flinched back as the dot abruptly jumped to another point hundreds of miles to the northwest. "She's... teleporting?"

"Behold." Kelfir gestured, and a blinding rift of light tore itself open above the projection. From within, a lance of light pierced down, transfixing the spot where the blue dot stood. "Siukh, triangulate."

"Ooh, I love it when a strong man commands me." The Archmage of the Black Tower spread her hands, giggling, and shadows coalesced below the projection, forming a glossy black pool in the floor; within, an image quickly manifested.

They all saw a mountainscape, sparsely dotted with fir trees; a slim, slender black figure, horned and bearing a stereotypical triangle-tipped tail, was dashing and scurrying at outrageous speed over the landscape as a terrifying figure on a skeletal steed pursued him. Suzume, her eyes streaming icy blue energy, swept at the head of a fifty-foot-wide column of ghostly undead, and her mount's fiery hooves beat a tempo on the raw air as it sped overland at what must have been nearly sixty miles per hour. But Vius, who Topher thought looked like a bit of a cross between the X-man Nightcrawler and some kind of ninja, flickered and hustled with such agility that Suzume could make no progress across the gap; and when he was finally forced to leap a crevasse that seemed to Topher to be far too wide to maintain his lead, he instead vanished in midair into a viscid pool which formed from nothing. Without hesitation, Suzume and her retinue plunged into it; the view shifted and skewed wildly as the three Archmages fought to maintain control and follow the action.

The pool boiled, swirled, and stabilized; the view now showed a frozen, trackless wasteland of snow. But it appeared that Vius had erred; his agile, fleet steps were muddled and ensnared by the soft powder, and before they could do more than gasp, Suzume was upon him. Her left hand lanced out, piercing the demon's chest with a long spear that boiled with bloody, ebon energies; but to her obvious annoyance, the other demon merely grinned and saluted her before dissolving into a puddle of black spilth. With slow deliberateness, Suzume withdrew her lance from the snow where the figure had stood, then wheeled her mount around in a tight arc as it reared. "Sooner or later, I'm going to kill one of you that won't be a decoy," she promised the wind and snow coolly, then spurred her mount; skeletal hands formed before her and pulled the frigid air apart to form another black portal, and she disappeared inside.

As she did so, the image cracked and split apart; Kelfir's golden lance faltered, then disappeared, and the shadow pool broke apart and scattered into frangible wisps of darkness. "The space she goes is not of this world," Kelfir commented; Topher could see that her dot had disappeared from the projection, and the Augurus seemed to wander aimlessly in random directions. "Still, we have learned much."

Topher nodded, reluctantly withdrawing from his trance; the Augurus closed, and Quint stuffed it back into his robe triumphantly. "So all hope is not yet lost," he murmured; Topher wanted to punch the old bastard for bouncing back from his funk so quickly. Oppenheimer at least had the goddamn courtesy to mope and write poetry about it, he thought angrily at the Archmage, but kept his mouth shut.

"It seems that Vius may lead her a merry jaunt," Rudo agreed, "but she seems confident that she will corner him eventually. Should we aid him, or attempt to hinder his pursuer? Or turn our attentions to the dungeon?"

Topher shook his head, trying to focus; coming back down from a Metaphrasty trance was always kind of a bitch. "The dungeon's tomorrow's problem; if it's as bad as they think it is, we gotta get all the countries singing 'Kumbaya' again first. And we can't catch either of them anyway, even if we thought it would go well for us." He clutched his head, trying to think. "What are we missing...?"

"The Soulstones," supplied Kelfir; Topher whipped around, nodding, as the elf addressed the other Archmages. "Zytis and Tuveinth were slain; their Soulstones stolen. Topher, unbeknownst to the Demon Lord, retained the Soulstone of Irineth the Blue; I have it here." He brought it out from his robe. "I suspect affairs may be coming to a crux; if so, it may be our last hope, but I cannot foresee how."

"We could evoke the --" Sahlerra began, before Topher shot her a murderous look; Kelfir shook his head.

"Master Bailey and I have already channeled akasha into the Stone; while educational, it provided no particular insight which might be useful to our current quandary. But it must be important, or else our adversary would not have taken such steps to prevent our possession of it; and here, collectively, we stand the best chance to uncover its secrets."

"Archmagus," Zanasha abruptly asked, piercing the air with her unexpected query, "could you please repeat that?"

"Which part?" Kelfir responded, raising an eyebrow. "I said that collectively, we..."

Topher froze. Deep in his mind, a suspicion bloomed as he saw what Zanasha was suggesting; and slowly, like a voice whispering in darkness, he remembered.

I do not know if the Demon Lord was responsible, but someone clearly does not wish us to have access to their knowledge or power -- even if it means exterminating the living gods of the elves.

He could feel the blood draining from his face; his fingertips tingled, like his body was turning to ice.

Now that the Demon Lord has sent assassins here, this place has served its purpose; I propose instead that we venture to its lowest depths and defeat its strongest monsters, including its primary guardian.

They'd been played all along. Breadcrumbs laid out, forming a trail for ants to follow.

Some spies were preparing an ambush here. Probably for you, actually; when they realized I was on to them, they broke their cover and started killing people.

His stomach turned in disgust as he realized the scope of what had happened; the number of lives that had been spent, blood running like water, merely to create one opportunity.

Job came to me through a courier; 'Kill Topher Bailey the Human', along with a big ol' sack of platinum.

At every turn, he'd been harried and driven; led with painstaking precision through the steps of a dance that had been planned out for him before he'd known a single thing about this world.

I was educated in this by someone else; but I will not insult you by attempting to lay the blame for my actions at their feet. I have been preparing for this for quite some time.

ARE YOU READY TO RECEIVE THE MESSAGE?

And the worst part of it all was that he'd done so much of it himself; he thought he'd been so clever, keeping up with all these smart people with his D-Rank Intelligence. But even a monkey can be trained to do a trick.

I don't generally have much trouble sleeping, but that question is enough to keep me up at nights. And I have a feeling that if we find out the hard way, we really won't enjoy the experience.

That'll be the tipping point that Quint and the other Archmages won't be able to come back from. They're getting outplayed.

There was a moment of indefinable hesitation, like the moment at the arc of a parabola before an object begins to fall back to earth; Topher's skin prickled, and his scalp knurled in a way that would have had his hair standing on end if he'd had any. The bottom seemed to drop out of his stomach, falling away towards some unknowable chasm.

"They're here," Topher realized out loud, his Stylus appearing without transition in his hand. "They're here now."