Zeroth Moment: My Cheat Skill Is Stupid, So I'll Just Ignore It

The door to the lodge slammed open before Topher had even gotten within thirty feet, disgorging Sahlerra Siukh's supple shape. "You idiot," she hissed at him, eyes smoldering as she swept imperiously up to him and poked her finger into his chest. "It takes time to mobilize everyone! What are we going to do now?!"

"I don't know," panted Topher, rubbing his chest and glaring back at the Archmage, "but we can't let him go get himself killed. You're the one with the A-Rank Intelligence -- figure some shit out!" It abruptly dawned on him that he was nearly a foot taller than her, which hadn't seemed to be the case inside the lodge. Probably more shadow bullshit, he grumbled to himself.

Growling, Sahlerra gripped her temples with her fingertips for a moment, then ran her hands down her face; everywhere her touch passed, shadows sprouted like leaves from her body, cupping and curling around each curve of her form. "Damn it. All right. Come with me, please?" She extended a hand to him, looking up into his face with plaintive hope. "If we work together..."

"God, I hate how much you have my number," Topher growled, enveloping the Archmage's long-nailed hand in his. "Let's get this over with."

She smiled -- a little triumphantly, a little sadly -- and began to concentrate. Shadows poured up her arm and onto Topher's, quickly snaking around and enveloping him; in a moment, he found himself peering out at the world through a sort of dim shroud, then gaped as his surroundings suddenly blurred and twisted. She's carrying us in a bubble of shadows, he thought to himself in amazement; beyond the periphery, he saw the camp sweep past them like rushing water until arriving outside of a tent he didn't recognize. "I'll be back in two minutes," Sahlerra whispered, then vanished; Topher blinked as the light returned in full force, nearly blinding him.

As he struggled to get his bearings, the tent flap opened, disgorging Zanasha; she smiled at Topher and bowed ever so slightly. "Friend Topher. I was just coming to get you."

"Yeah, well, our schedule's been moved up a bit," Topher sighed. "Can you grab Hana and Rudo? Apparently we're moving out, like, now."

The half-orc frowned, but nodded. "Master Muchenje is not here, but Hana I can collect." She swiftly turned and ducked back into the tent, moving with a grace and economy of motion that took Topher's breath away. No big-titted Archmage has anything on you, gorgeous, he thought to himself dreamily, then turned to look out over the camp in search of Rudo; he saw a flicker of darkness in a direction he thought might be near the mess hall, and guessed that Sahlerra was already taking care of that part. Guess we'll find out in a little less than two minutes.

After a moment, Hana emerged from the tent, breathless and alert; she gripped the handle of her Flux Blade and looked around wildly. "What is it? What's happening?"

"I fucked up," Topher admitted by way of explanation. "I told Takano about Haruko, and he decided to go march off and try to solo the entire Demon Army. So now Sahlerra's pulling us out there for damage control." He shrugged. "I don't know what she plans to do, but it's too late to cry about spilled milk now."

"As if I would ever spill milk," Sahlerra purred, appearing abruptly just under Topher's chin; he jumped and swore, stumbling backwards, as she chuckled. Topher glimpsed Rudo behind her and to her left, rolling his eyes. "I'm making this up as I go along, so stay flexible; it won't be as good as my original plan, but maybe it'll catch that bastard Zum Velbat off-guard." She gestured for all of them to gather together, then pirouetted like a ballerina as she swept an arm around herself in a circle; despite himself, Topher's eyes strayed to her breasts, and he noticed a subtle flow of darkness beneath them holding and supporting them. Guess they would be something of a nuisance if they were flopping around in battle, he admitted to himself, then grimaced as she caught him looking and winked. As she completed her spin, a circle of starry blackness formed around them, then another penumbra of shadow enveloped them all like the one that had brought Topher here.

"I'd advise you all to remain calm," the Archmage began as the world outside abruptly fell away, racing past in a shimmering torrent of muted colors, "but it won't do any good. We have about three minutes -- maybe five, if we're really lucky -- before the Demons notice Takano out of position and move to take him out, and I'm going to need several of those minutes to set up my little surprise. It'll be up to all of you to keep him from starting the show prematurely." She turned to Rudo. "You have the Geryiad Spire in your little cabinet, correct?"

Rudo frowned. "Yes, but... is that really necessary? It is a horrid thing."

"I have a history of making use of horrid things," replied Sahlerra with a smile, then turned to Hana. "Your part is probably the easiest; you need to produce a specific modulation of energy from your little chaos dagger, there. I'll put the specifics in your mind when I'm ready; the important part is that you have to give me all of the stored power in the weapon. You can't hold anything back. Understand?"

Hana looked nervous, but nodded. "Yes, Archmage. But what if I need to defend myself afterwards?"

"If we succeed, there won't be anyone left to threaten you," Sahlerra advised, "and if we fail, any power you had left wouldn't be enough. You're just going to have to trust me." She patted the young Japanese woman's cheek in a manner Topher thought was probably meant to be comforting but mostly came off as condescending, then turned to Zanasha. "Your job is a little harder -- you'll have to channel energy through that shiny new sword you have, and you'll be very unfamiliar with the process. I can help, but only a little; as you can imagine, my attention is going to be a little divided. Just try to stay calm, okay?" Zanasha nodded, looking resolute, and the Archmage turned on Topher. "You have the hardest job, naturally. When we catch up to Takano, you need to convince him not to die heroically in a blaze of stupid, useless glory, and instead go back to doing what he was doing before -- helping us win the war so nobody else dies. Then, when you've pulled that off, channel some akasha into this." She produced the Soulstone of Vashyarl the Black from between her cleavage and pressed it into his hands; his guts twisted at its warmth. "I'll take care of the rest. Now, get to it!"

Abruptly, the shadows fell away; Topher found himself running and stumbling as his angular momentum caught up the world around him, then looked up to see that he was almost on top of Takano. "Hey, kid," he panted, "could you maybe wait up a little? Old men don't... gah... run so fast."

Takano turned around, his expression flat; he shook his head. "I see from your entourage that you're going to try to convince me to change my course of action; you will be wasting your time." He flourished his sword, and limbered up his shield arm. "The Demons are already here, regardless."

Topher, shocked, looked around; the plain looked empty to him. "They are? Where? And aren't they supposed to be coming from the east, not the north?"

"Dummy," chuckled Sahlerra, who was helping Rudo extract a long, jagged iron spike topped with a claw-like protrusion from his wardrobe, "you think I'd show you the real map where they could see it?" Topher frowned and turned back to Takano, but before he could say anything else, things went to shit.

Out of the utterly unremarkable ground in front of Takano, a vast explosion erupted; Takano, poised and ready, fell into his Immovable Defense stance and weathered the explosion with aplomb. Topher was less lucky; his Arch Shielding deflected most of the blast, but he was still thrown forcefully onto his ass with a jarring, painful impact that he could feel reducing his HP. From a raw, red pit in the earth, a swarm of Demons poured; fanged and clawed, horned and leering, they swept in a tight wedge formation towards Takano, who flourished his sword again and saluted them. And behind the Demons, rising like a pitiless obelisk of doom, Topher glimpsed another figure, twice as tall as the others and wielding six glowing swords, each a different color, in six musclebound arms. He groaned. "Seriously? We have to fight the boss now?"

"Not by ourselves," came a mumbled reply from Sahlerra, who was trying to hold a wand in each hand and a third in her mouth, as Rudo raised the Geryiad Spire into the air and prepared to drive it into the earth. "But you need to keep them busy." Twirling all three of the wands, she incanted a short and muffled spell, which carved a runic circle into the ground around them; tucking the wands into her dress (where exactly, he couldn't figure out), she snatched the Soulstone back from Topher and swirled away. "Anytime now!"

Sighing, Topher summoned his Stylus and began to spin it; grimly, he moved into position behind Takano, directly in the path of the oncoming horde. "Hey kid," he shouted, "Duck!" Leveling his wand at the approaching demonic army, he gritted his teeth and chanted "Moj Vum Koth Tanok!"

At the last instant, Takano obediently crouched down (although the plane of compressed air would have cut his hair at most in any event -- Topher had aimed as high as he dared). The rippling, scything sheet of acuate power flooded outward from the tip of Topher's Stylus, severing the top halves of the first three ranks of demons from their bottom halves; Topher was relieved to see that the hard, black inner shell that protected the demons' real bodies had rejected the force of the attack, but their false flesh was slashed apart and ruined. Black clouds began to erupt, one after another in rapid succession, from most of the fallen demons; when the smoke cleared, the black shells were gone, replaced by disintegrating bones and viscera. That's how they do it, Topher realized belatedly, remembering how the Capras in Orvale and the assassin in the dungeon had disappeared into clouds of smoke before launching blind, suicidal attacks. They're teleporting away. That's why they don't give XP!

As the thought struck him, a wave of joy and euphoria slammed through him like a tsunami; at first he thought it was a reaction to discovering that he hadn't actually just murdered two dozen maybe-child-soldiers, but after a moment he realized it was coming from Takano. Zealous Unity, he remembered. This is what they've been using to make the soldiers able to fight the demons. The young man, flowing back into a fighting stance, began dealing out hammer-blows of immense power; often, a great cross of light would appear from the sky and plummet down to smite rank upon rank of demons, but often he would just hit them so hard that their nine-foot musclebound bodies would just be sent flying dozens of feet into the air. Topher smiled, giddy. We can do this? We can win?!

But even as the thought swept through his mind, he realized that it wouldn't be that easy; the demons were forming up, casting protective enchantments, and beginning to enact a strategy of timing their strikes against Takano. In horror, he realized what they would do; they would force him to defend while encircling their position, then wait until he made an attack and cut him off from the others before entrapping him in some kind of environmental hazard. Takano's Immovable Defense wouldn't protect him from something as simple as surrounding him with a field of force and filling it with water.

Desperately, he sent wave after wave of Fleet Zephyrs at the demons, but they were prepared for him now; the cutting force splashed against shields of mystical force, and he knew his MP was draining fast. Got to think of something different. "Takano!" he yelled at the other boy, "We gotta regroup! Fall back to where the others are!"

But he knew Takano could not hear him; the young man was fighting furiously with blazing eyes, mumbling something Topher couldn't understand under his breath. Desperately, Topher leveled the most powerful blast of lightning he could in front of Takano, clearing space for an instant, then grabbed him from behind. "Kid! Listen! Haruko wouldn't have wanted this!"

"What does it matter what she wanted?" responded Takano hotly, turning on Topher. "She is dead!"

"Kid, look at me." Topher gripped the young man by the shoulders, staring into his eyes. "Really look. You think I don't know how you feel?!"

"How could you?!" screamed Takano, absently backhanding away a hulking demon with enough force to scatter five ranks behind him like bowling pins. "You're old! You don't understand!"

Christ, thought Topher, rolling his eyes, how can somebody be so right and so wrong at the same time? "I do, actually," he groused, "but never mind that. Let me ask you this instead -- do you think you'll do more good for this war dead, or alive?" He shoved the young man, lightly, as he stepped away and blasted a Wall of Force outwards to buy them another two seconds. "You ain't a kamikaze pilot, kid. Think with your brain instead of your balls for once."

"You shitty old man," Takano howled. But Topher could see he'd gotten through to him; Takano's boiling rage was now directed at Topher rather than at the demons, and that would be enough for now.

Hustling, he booked it over to the others; by this time, he could see that Rudo had managed to drive the Geryiad Spire almost entirely into the ground, and a black, sickly radiance was pouring forth. Sahlerra, standing just behind it, was holding Vashyarl's Soulstone directly in the path of the energy, murmuring a complex spell Topher couldn't make out, while Hana and Zanasha stood ready to either side with their blades bared. Hana's face was screwed up in intense concentration as lemon-yellow light flickered across her Flux Blade, while Zanasha mostly just looked confused. "Now?" he panted to Sahlerra, banshing his Stylus.

"Now," she agreed. As she did so, shadows swarmed up and around her legs, up over her body and down her arms; the Soulstone was abruptly encased in anarchic, turbulent darkness. Topher sighed, spread his hands, and began to concentrate.

As before, he found it easier each time to enter his Metaphrasty trance; it should have been almost impossible with the chaotic battle raging around him, but it felt almost unconscious, as though he were relaxing into a more natural state rather than forcing himself into an abnormal one. As bright white akasha began to flow between his hands, his consciousness seemed to expand, taking in everything around him; the dusky, sultry taste of Sahlerra's power, the sharp, bright frisson of whatever Hana was doing, and the cold, perfect intentionality of the Kiku-no-Tsurugi. Slowly, a horrified understanding of what the Archmage was about to attempt began to dawn on him. "I sure hope you know what you're doing," he commented, trying not to drop out of his trance; around them, the demons began to close in. "Also, you should probably hurry it up."

"Less advice, more assistance," commented the Archmage tartly. "Get behind me, and wrap your arms around me -- position the band of akasha directly above the Soulstone. No arguments, please, or we all get eaten." Stifling his objections, Topher did as he was told; the pert roundness of her posterior pressing directly into his thighs was both intoxicating and infuriating, but he refused to let himself get distracted. "This good enough?" he grunted, leveling the band of akasha in front of her eyes.

"Perfection," she murmured. At that exact moment, two things happened.

The first was that the Sheonn army, led by Jeneren Cuthbert and Misena Gorflame, burst out of the Forest of Corpses at the demon army's rear; Tyal Ex Zedeus, who had just emerged from the tunnel in hopes of actually getting to fight someone, swore loudly and turned to greet the newcomers, directing her troops to split their forces and wheel to cover the new front. Topher glimpsed a dozen kids decked out in various weird and flashy garbs, surrounded by glowing lights and forces -- the C-Rank and D-Rank kids, I guess -- but didn't have much time to consider it because of the second thing that was happening.

All of a sudden, Hana's concentration succeeded; a beam of warm, pure elemental light energy erupted from her Flux Blade, which had reshaped itself into a form like a hooded lantern hanging from a sword handle. Topher could almost savor the pure, sweet essence of it as it poured outward into and through the Kiku-no-Tsurugi, which channeled and purified its power to an extent which flabbergasted Topher's perceptions.

"Now," purred the Archmage, "we'll see some real action." Triumphantly, she raised the Soulstone into the path of akasha between Topher's hands; instantly, his mind erupted in a frenzied tangle of power as the distilled essence of Vashyarl's sorceries flooded through him, seeming to devour him through his eyes and ravage down to his bones. He tried to jerk backwards, but an iron-hard circle of shadows wrapped around his hips and pulled him tightly against Sahlerra's buttocks; and before he could open his mouth to protest, the light from the Kiku-no-Tsurugi shot forth and passed through the Soulstone.