Zeroth Moment: My Cheat Skill Is Stupid, So I'll Just Ignore It

Shyly, Okano's wife stepped up to Topher, then bowed. "I am Megumi Nakano, Bailey-sama," she murmured; she had a sideways way of talking, as if she were chewing her words apart with little bites. "I will summon a portal for you, and my husband will guide it to the Archmage's location." She twisted one of the rings on her fingers; a collection of spindly little rods appeared from a tiny hole in the air behind her, then quickly unfolded into a large, lattice-like hoop with spiraling purple energy filling its interior. "Once you pass through," she continued, toying with the end of her braid absently, "you will not be able to return; it is unidirectional only."

"Got it. Thanks." Topher looked back, trying to gauge whether the others were prepared; Hana and Zanasha merely nodded, while Rudo took a few moments to pack his belongings. Topher waited until he was done, then turned back to Okano. "I think we're ready. How do we do this?"

Okano nodded, then placed a hand on the edge of the portal and closed his eyes; after a moment, the swirling purple energy within turned a dark teal color. He opened his eyes and nodded again. "The portal will now take you to the Archmage. Best fortune to you, Bailey-sama."

"And you." Topher nodded to Okano and Nakano; then, as he was about to enter the portal, a thought struck him. "Any last-minute prophecies before I go?"

Okano opened his mouth, then paused and shut it again; he looked pained, then spoke again reluctantly. "In my vision, you had cut your beard and shaved your head. That is all I can tell you."

"Another makeover, huh?" Topher stroked his long beard thoughtfully; maybe it doesn't happen right away. Good to know. "Interesting. Well, good luck, anyway; at least you won't be anywhere near this mess if it goes sideways." With a nod to the Sun Prophet and his wife, he steeled himself and stepped through the portal.

He expected some kind of falling or twisting sensation, but it was completely unremarkable; like stepping through a doorway, he emerged in a different cavern. Before him, a vast and echoing space loomed; the ceiling of the cave was nearly a hundred feet above him, and glimmered with bright lights as though captured globes of moonlight dew were hung above. Zanasha abruptly appeared behind him, and he had to quick-step to avoid having her trip over him; Hana and Rudo followed, looking wary. "This is clearly not the Archmage's tower," Hana commented, her Flux Blade ready in her hand; Topher noticed that it was once again the slender, angelic-looking blade she'd used against Vashyarl.

"We told him to hide out, remember?" Topher reminded her, conjuring another Mage Light and letting it float ahead of him. "He's probably here somewhere. I'll go first; let me know if you see anything." He summoned his Stylus; he wasn't expecting trouble, exactly, but that didn't mean it might not be here.

Tripping over stones and roots, he made his way down a steep defile into the main body of the cavern; massive pillars of stone clustered tightly together at first, then gave way on either side to a strange underground grove. A few dozen trees -- towering, flourishing oaks and ashes mostly -- were scattered about the cavern, despite the clear lack of sunlight. Topher frowned. Weird. Maybe the blue light is keeping them alive?

Stepping forward cautiously, he emerged into a clearing and spotted the Archmage; the instant he saw his state, he gestured for the others to stay back and crept forward alone. Kelfir was kneeling, clutching a large clay pot as though he were clinging to it for dear life; his shoulders shook silently, but he made no noise. Topher felt incredibly awkward. "Uh. Is this a bad time? Should I come back?"

Startled, the Archmage whirled; Topher flinched at the sight of his face. Despair and sorrow had carved new furrows in his visage since their last meeting only a few weeks ago; his eyes were red-rimmed and watery, and the elf was noticeably thinner and paler. Then, he recognized Topher, and his mouth dropped open in shock. "You... you are alive," he muttered in confusion. "How can you be alive? Everyone at the battle..."

Topher sighed. "We were teleported out," he explained, banishing his Stylus; he stepped forward, holding out a hand, and helped the elf to his feet. "Or so I'm told. A few of the others too. I was kind of busy being half of a dragon at the time."

The elf's expression wavered; a ghost of a smile flickered around his lips. Then, unexpectedly, he wrapped his arms around Topher and squeezed tightly; despite his tiny frame, the elf was incredibly strong, and the unexpected force of it winded Topher immediately. As he choked and gasped for air, Kelfir released him and pushed him lightly away. "Of course. You do seem to have a knack for surviving, despite everything."

Topher rubbed his breastbone, astonished; unbidden, a realization floated through his mind. He sees me as a child. I guess it makes sense; I probably would too if I was five centuries old. "Yeah, well, as usual, things have gotten worse," he sighed. "I wanted to come here and fill you in." He squinted at the clay pot. "What are you doing here, anyway?"

Kelfir sighed and gestured aimlessly around the cavern. "This is my family's Hollow, Master Bailey. We come here to inter our dead; I have already completed the first phase of the rite for Lulein." He indicated the clay pot, sadness and weariness evident in the gesture; Topher cringed and tried not to visualize its contents. "After you returned his remains to me, I boiled them in water from the sacred rivers; the bones I retrieved, while the rest I mixed with pure earth and placed in the pot." He then nodded towards a small brazier off to one side. "I will burn one bone each day until it cracks, then pulverize it and mix it in with the earth; when all of the bones have been prepared, I will place a seedling in the top of the pot and bury it here. With any luck, Lulein's tree will one day join those of his ancestors." His eyes flashed with hurt, quickly smoothed away; he wavered. "It is a very sacred, very slow thing. When I heard of the destruction, I had thought merely to spend what time remained to me in its execution."

Topher shivered. Humans have more than two hundred bones; elves are probably similar. That's most of a year just to perform the burial. "Yeah, well, sorry to get in your way," he muttered, looking at his feet, "but I didn't know who else to turn to. We barely know what's happening either; all we know is that the Demon Lord is still alive, and not thrilled with whatever happened at the battle."

Kelfir raised an eyebrow, then sighed and nodded. "I, too, have only an incomplete understanding of the situation; but I will tell you what I can." He clasped his hands behind his back and began to pace; Topher, feeling that the more delicate phase of the conversation had passed, gestured for the others to come forward and join them.

"As you may or may not know," Kelfir began, nodding to Hana, Zanasha, and Rudo as they approached, "Archmage Aumraham executed his gambit at the battle; there was a great explosion, which destroyed all the armies." Topher nodded, and the elf paused for a moment before continuing. "Until your appearance here, I had assumed such an event portended our defeat; but if you were rescued, perhaps there is hope for the other Otherworlders." He turned to face Topher. "How many survive?"

"Six, I think," Topher replied, screwing up his face as he tried to remember. "Plus us, Okano and his wife, and Sugimoto and his three jailbait girlfriends. But Okano didn't seem like he was going to help us much after this; his wife's pregnant, and he's trying to keep her out of danger." Kelfir nodded, but remained silent. "The bad part is that the other surviving S-Ranker apparently joined the Demon Lord, or something. The small necromancer girl with the hoodie."

Kelfir sighed. "Not as much hope as I had anticipated, then. Still, if Quint and Sahlerra yet live, it is possible we may rally; I will transport us somewhere more appropriate for a convocation." He began to to concentrate; golden light flowed out from around his feet, forming the familiar pathway beneath his stride.

Topher grimaced in confusion. "Haven't you heard from them already?"

"This place is warded," Kelfir responded tiredly. "Though Archmage Siukh, at least, is already aware of my intent." A tiny spire of radiance, needle-thin, lanced out and pierced the darkness at Topher's feet; a small shape, flat and tenebrous, squirmed and evaporated. "Aumraham, I suspect, she has already contacted."

"That bitch," Topher swore, recoiling. "What the fuck was that? Some kind of shadow spy?"

Kelfir nodded. "She makes a habit of seeding them wherever she passes; it is one reason our intelligence network has made any progress, however feeble, against that of the Demon Lord. But, as you have no doubt seen for yourself, she can be... challenging to work with." The golden path, which had been expanding beneath his feet, now formed a great golden pagoda; he nodded towards four golden seats placed equidistant from its center. "If you would all be so kind..."

Still seething, Topher sat in the furthest chair; Hana and Zanasha took the seats next to him, while Rudo sat across from him. Topher expected some kind of flight, or a blurred motion similar to when they'd traveled in Sahlerra's shadow-sphere, but this experience was different entirely.

In the blink of an instant, they all ceased to exist in some nebulous way; Topher's mind went blank, and his body seemed to vanish entirely, leaving behind only the distant part of his mind in a blinding white void of sensation. It lasted no time at all; before any part of him could register anything, they were all back where they'd been a moment before, but in a different place. I was light, the distant part of his mind marveled before the sight before him swept away all other thoughts.

The golden pagoda now sat atop a balcony high above a breathtakingly beautiful city; alabaster and earth-toned structures stretched in every direction, mixed in with trees and grasses in a sublime intertwining of the natural and constructed. The buildings were idiosyncratic in the extreme -- no two were similar in size, color, or construction -- but they all shared a flowing, organic energy that seemed to link them to the earth and the wildlife around them. Topher stared. "Holy shit. Is this elfland, or something?"

"You behold Kal'Pandu, my home city," Kelfir sniffed; "'Elfland' is not a thing. Please, make yourselves comfortable; the Golden Tower has little accommodation for guests, but what is here is yours to utilize. Please excuse me." With the barest of motions, he teleported away, leaving behind only sunlight.

"Wow." Topher leaned forward to peer out over the balcony as the golden pagoda dissolved from around them; Hana and Zanasha clustered around him to stare, and even Rudo was visibly impressed. "Now this is some real travel-brochure stuff."

Zanasha, in particular, had tears in her eyes; she kept wiping them and apologizing in muttered tones. When she could speak, she murmured, "My mother had a book with pictures of an elf city. I had always dreamed..." But emotion overcame her again, and she turned away to look over the city a little apart from the others.

Hana chewed a thumbnail fretfully. "They're so advanced. Why aren't they in charge, if they can do this...?"

Topher sighed. "They're afraid. They know their limits." He gestured at the wonders that lay before them, shaking his head. "All this... it's safe. They know they can't mess it up. But humans and the other races..."

"We are like fire to them," Rudo observed, more than a little sadly. "Harnessable for purposes, but dangerous and uncontrollable."

Topher nodded. "Yeah. And they know how wrong it would be to force us; shit, we could probably destroy them if we felt oppressed. It's probably like..." -- he struggled for words -- "...we're children to them, but scary, super-genius children with shitty self-control. They're so old, but they're not any smarter than us. It probably took them all this time to learn how to manage themselves, and trying to wrangle us would be a horrific experience made worse by knowing what we were feeling." He looked to the others. "Wouldn't you be scared? Doesn't trying to get people to not be fucking morons suck bad enough without the burden of near-immortality and the crippling self-doubt that would come with it?" He realized he was ranting, and forced himself to be quiet.

The others were silent for a little while; eventually, Zanasha excused herself. "I have not slept in some time," she explained, still wiping her eyes, "and as Hana-chan often scolds me, the Sentinel Skill is no substitute for proper rest. I will take this time to remedy it." Nodding to the others, she went through a doorway nearby and disappeared.

Rudo shrugged and opened his mouth to comment, but before he could do so, Kelfir reappeared; Topher was glad but confused to see that the Archmage looked healthier and more awake, but then remembered what Kelfir had said in Orvale during their first meeting. I must return. The Golden Tower can revitalize me. He nodded to the elf. "Hey. What's the word?"

"I have conferred with the others," Kelfir acknowledged, "and they agree that all is not yet lost. But we will require time before we can make new plans; Quint, in particular, is overwrought, for the efficacy of his attack was much greater than he anticipated. Much damage has been done, which he did not intend, and our aid will be needed to rebuild those who were affected..." -- his gaze darkened -- "...as well as to contain that which has been unleashed. But we will discuss those things anon." He gestured towards the doorway Zanasha had gone through. "For now, take your rest; we have twenty-four hours before the convocation. Master Bailey, when you wake, call my name; I will bring you to the Tower's apex, where we will speak on matters arcane." Clapping his hands, he vanished again.

Topher nodded, letting out a sigh he hadn't been holding. "Okay. Looks like we at least get a break before whatever bullshit hits us next." He leaned back on the railing, watching Rudo and Hana. "You guys need anything?"

Hana and Rudo exchanged glances, then shook their heads. "I... could use some time to myself, I guess," Hana murmured. With a last, lingering pause and look towards Topher, she followed Zanasha inside.

Rudo lingered; he stared down at the city, with the occasional glance at Topher, for several minutes. Topher, on the other hand, simply closed his eyes and luxuriated in the feeling of the breeze on his skin; after weeks underground, seared by volcanic winds, or buffeted by sorceries in a mud-splattered battle, it was a welcome change of pace. For a little while, there was silence.

Then, after a long time, Topher heard Rudo clear his throat; reluctantly, he opened his eyes to behold the older man. "I could not help but overhear Mister Okano's comment about your hair and beard," he began mischievously. "I am curious how long will you delay the inevitable."

Topher snorted, not unkindly. "You sure your class isn't Haberdasher, or something?" But he found, to his surprise, he had no reluctance in him; maybe because you're being put in control, for once, the distant part of his mind commented drily. "Sure, what the hell. You think there's a barbershop down there?"

Smirking, Rudo produced a razor and pair of scissors from somewhere in his robe. "You wound me, sir. A good Innkeeper is practiced in providing all manner of services."

Topher, despite himself, laughed. "All right, all right. You can play dress-up with me again, if you really want." Sitting in a chair facing the city, he closed his eyes. "Just wake me when you're done."

Chuckling, Rudo moved behind Topher and began to work; the breeze carried the scent of cherry blossoms to Topher's nostrils as he dozed. For this moment, at least, everything was going to be all right.