Yakumo Yukari Gapped Me to Another World; Now I'm Trapped in the Human Village Full of Pathetic Touhou Maniacs

Tuesday evening was Maintenance. And for maintenance, we were doing construction. I ended up carrying heavy stacks of wooden tiles with Wiki’s help. He was always out of breath, which provided a welcome reprieve from his constant lore dumps.

We also had wooden helmets on, a parody of construction helmets used in the outside world. Between loads we caught our breath. Sasha and Arnold came to join us, along with the foreman. They’d been throwing the tiles onto a half-finished roof.

“Can I keep this?” Wiki asked the foreman, a local human.

“Worried you’ll trip and crack your head?” teased Sasha. I was glad to have her with us; this was the first time that group 12B hadn’t been fragmented for one reason or another.

“I’m thinking about what kind of outfit should be my identity,” he said, wiping his brow. “If I have headgear, I want it to be useful.” He turned back to the foreman. “If it’s alright, I really would like to keep it.”

“No,” said the foreman. He was a Japanese man with a scraggly beard. His voice was gruff, but I got the sense that he was more sympathetic than most of the others when he criticized our lack of decorum. “Do you know how long these take to make?”

“How long?”

“No idea. Since I don’t make ‘em, I won’t be given ‘em away.” He turned to me. “Did you get your hat from the beekeepers?”

“I did,” I admitted. I’d only reluctantly set it aside for the helmet.

“They were prob’ly too nice to say no,” he said. “You should repay them.” More likely they could see my blossoming sunburn and felt pity, I thought. I hadn’t actually asked for the hat. My neck reminded me of my foolishness every time I turned my head. There weren’t many mirrors around, so I couldn’t see how bad my burn was, but Sasha had been calling me a tomato for most of the day.

Next time I meditated outside, I’d be sure to do it in the shade.

—

On Wednesday the odd-numbered dorms got their second danmaku lesson. Wiki and I followed Kirisame Marisa’s group out into the woods. We chose her first, mostly because she seemed the least likely to punish someone for showing up against the rules just so they could use her presence to practice outside the village. Kirisame Marisa was a known rebel. It was also an open secret that she worked hard to keep up with Reimu–she might empathize with us, we thought.

Sasha and Arnold both refused to break the rules with us. Sasha had gone to the chicken coop, ostensibly to increase her clout there, and Arnold said something about touring the shops.

We trudged along without them and with a bunch of strangers instead. Kirisame Marisa’s group was way too large. Super-duper too large. Like, twice the size it should have been.

“Do you think she’ll be irritated at this many hangers-on?” I asked Wiki. We both knew how Marisa behaved while irritated.

“You have a point,” he said. “Actually, we should just stop.” Wiki and I turned around; there was no way we’d get away with it, and it suddenly seemed a lot less clever.

That was how we avoided having ourselves shredded by a Master Spark like the other interlopers. We watched the light show from the schoolhouse, and I caught sight of Cirno dashing over the buildings to put out more fires.

“I’m getting deja vu,” I said. “It’s surprising that ‘fireman’ isn’t one of the course options.”

“Hmm,” said Wiki. “They might have magical contingencies.”

There was an awkward silence. After a moment, I suggested that we try one of the other teachers.

“Reimu will understand,” I said. “She probably won’t punish us, if we go that way.”

“No. We should go to Reisen. She won’t know we aren’t supposed to be there, so it’s lower risk.”

“True,” I said, not wanting to waste valuable danmaku study time in an argument.

But it turned out that Reisen was smart enough to ask where our arm-bands were. She sent us back to the human village when we revealed we were from the wrong group. Her eyes turned red when I opened my mouth to argue, which was scary enough on its own that I didn’t stick around and wait for her to shoot me.

“Red eyes creep me out,” I told Wiki, and he helpfully started listing all the youkai with red eyes and why I shouldn’t be afraid of them. After saying the phrase ‘kill you instantly’ a few times, he amended his dissertation to reasons I should be afraid.

Next we went to Reimu’s quadrant. She wordlessly sent us running with a flurry of seals.

“I don’t think we were the first to bother her!” shouted Wiki as we fled.

“Hey, this has meditation tips on it!” I said as I peeled a piece of paper off my face. “Handy!”

“Perhaps we should just go back to the dorm…”

“That’s the danmaku, wait it out!” I also wanted to go back to the dorm, but I was practiced at ignoring things I wanted so that I could achieve something else.

I was right about it being temporary and a few minutes later we started toward the north of the village. However, we stopped short when we saw people walking back with uneven impromptu crop-tops.

“Youmu’s a great swordswoman, isn’t she,” I said.

“That is so creepy,” said Wiki. “I think she is aiming at the base of the sternum every time.”

“You’re observant,” I said. “I can’t even see the ribs on most of those guys.”

“I’m just guessing, and I was slashed a few days ago myself.” Wiki seemed to consider. “Yeah, I am observant! For example, did you notice the fittings in the shower?”

“I looked at them when I turned on the water.” Perhaps unsurprisingly, it had gotten hot in seconds. The human village had it good in some ways.

“They were stainless steel,” he said. “But welded, not threaded.”

“...so?”

“So! Kawashiro Nitori is very good at metallurgy! And she must own an arc welder, or have magic that makes it possible! And she’s been stealing metal at least, and actual materials like pipes and–I don’t know, batteries and stuff–from the Outside World!”

“I think you’re inferring too much from too little,” I said.

“Also, if kappa are fey, then the fey aren’t actually vulnerable to iron, thus vampires are probably also not vulnerable to wooden stakes or maybe even sunshine, which means that Remilia Scarlet actually carries her parasol to hide Gungnir—” he went on for a while.

“Maybe, maybe not,” I finally said.

He kicked a stone and sat on a bench. I recognized the place: I’d taken a break in front of this very statue a few nights before. “The whole world is full of these little clues that everyone just misses. It’s like we live in a world of idiots.”

“Even Gensokyo?” I asked.

“It is full of fairies. Oh, she cut that guy lengthwise,” he said, looking at a man who’s shirt had been turned into a lopsided vest.

“Very observant,” I said, dryly.

“Yeah, well, watch this.” He walked up to the man with the split shirt. “You shouldn’t have stood so close to the other guy, huh.”

“Oh, you saw?” asked the stranger.

“No,” said Wiki.

“...okay… weirdo.” Wiki waved the guy on, then he turned to me.

“See, Youmu might do a vertical strike after a horizontal one, so that person must have been very close to another when she slashed ‘em!”

“That’s useless to know,” I said.

“You don’t know what is useful until it becomes useful,” he said, putting his hands on his hips and puffing out his chest.

“Good point, Wiki.” I watched the last batch of people walk away. “I’m afraid we’ll never get to practice at this rate.”

“On Friday we’ll stay at the bar late. A youkai may show up.”

“Look, I’m not going to follow any plan that requires me to waste half of my time waiting for things to maybe happen,” I said. I’d had enough of that in the Outside World.

“Good point,” said Wiki as he sat down next to me. After a moment he straightened up. “Alright. Let us engage in Operation Tour Guide.”

“What’s that now?” He explained, and I had the thought that we might as well get all the failures out of the way as soon as possible.

—

“You want me to do what?” asked the woman at the bathhouse. Her expression was completely flat, and her eyes were narrowed so much that they were almost closed.

“Just come with us outside the village so we can practice danmaku,” said Wiki. His big insight was that Yukari hadn’t specified any features about our escort. We had assumed we needed the help of a youkai, or at least someone who could use danmaku, but she hadn’t actually said that. A human might work just fine. In this case it might be better to ask for forgiveness instead of permission (although we had asked the open air whether it would be allowed, just in case, and had gotten only silence).

“Generally courtship starts with a single suitor offering a meal,” she said, looking between us. “Or perhaps by asking the recipient her name.”

“This isn’t courtship,” I said.

“What’s your name?” asked Wiki. “Not ‘cause I’m courting you, no, just–”

“I’m Shiraki Reika,” she said, while making the tiniest bow possible, as though she was worried we’d attempt to look down her high-collared shirt. Her eyes never left us.

“A nametag would solve this,” said Wiki.

“Noted. I’ve no interest in courtship.”

“Neither do we,” I said. We introduced ourselves, bowing a bit lower than she had, and I was faintly surprised to be reminded that Wiki’s real name was Winston.

“Just call me Wiki,” he added.

“How forward.”

“We just want to get a headstart on our danmaku practice.”

“I see,” she said. “Hmm. Why do you want to learn danmaku? Do you expect to go to battle against youkai?”

“No,” I said, “But if we have to, we want to be ready.”

“Smart… in a way,” she said, tilting her head as she peered at me. “And what’s in it for me?”

“Uh, perhaps some grilled lamprey?” offered Wiki. That would be two birds with one stone, or really only one bird, but still.

“No thanks,” she said. “I’m not blind, as you can probably see, and also not stupid enough to get caught in a trap like that. Did the night sparrow send you?”

“No, no,” said Wiki. “Rinnosuke said we should try her, if we wanted help with danmaku.”

She laughed. “What a helpful guy! Also, that’s Mr. Morichika, please be polite.”

“Well,” I said. “We could pay you with our stipend, maybe?”

“How much?”

“Fifty rin?” I suggested. Wiki pulled out his coin pouch and opened it.

Reika laughed again, her voice ringing out clear and loud. It was an intimidating laugh for someone who normally acted so demure. “Just give me a potato instead. It’s worth about as much.”

“We can arrange that,” Wiki said. He was staring down at his coin pouch rather than looking right at Reika. “As long as you are okay with a sweet potato.”

“Is there any other kind?”

“I suppose the lore does imply that Yukari is a cheapskate,” added Wiki as he counted his coins again. “What can we even buy with this?”

“Call her Miss Yakumo,” Reika corrected him. “And you can take three baths, if I give you a discount on the third one, but that’s also because of Miss Yakumo’s subsidy. A potato is usually about thirty rin.”

“Subsidizing bathing…” muttered Wiki. He sighed. “Will you help us?”

“I will help you, on two conditions. First, yes, do bring me a sweet potato, because we are going to do this during my lunch break. In about an hour.”

“Excellent!” I said.

“And second–bring another girl, would you?”

“Wait, what?” I asked. “Why?”

“Let’s make it a double date. It’ll be more comfortable that way.”

“It’s not a date,” I said.

“All the same, bring another young woman, would you?” She grinned evilly at us. “Surely that isn’t impossible for either of you? My, my, that would be sad, if it were.” This bitch had seen the ratios and was fucking with us.

“But–”

“No, it’s fine!” said Wiki as he elbowed me. “Cool it, man, we have one of those back at the dorm.”

“Oh yeah,” I said. “See you in an hour, Reika.”

“Miss Shiraki,” she said with a frown.

—

“No,” said Sasha.

“Oh come on,” said Wiki. “You want to practice danmaku just as much as we do!”

“I don’t want to go on a date with either of you losers,” she said. “Even if it’s some sort of bullshit quantum date where another woman has half the shame.”

“It’s not a date!” I said. “It’s fucking danmaku practice! Why does everybody think it’s a date!”

“This lady–what was her name?” asked Sasha. “Reika?”

“She prefers Miss Shiraki,” I said.

“This Miss Shiraki clearly thinks you were trying to ask her on a date, and then making excuses for your boyish ineptitude.”

“I’m thirty,” said Wiki. “Inept, perhaps, but not a boy.”

“Whatever. Reputation is bullshit, but it’s bullshit that people pay attention to. I don’t want to get involved.”

“So disabuse her of the notion while we practice,” I said. “Or you could lie about your name so the rumors don’t get back to you.”

“She takes our named tickets, dipshit.”

“Am I not invited?” asked Arnold, his expression hurt. “I bought some new earmuffs.”

“For fifty rin?” I asked, and he explained how he’d chopped wood to help pay for them. Sasha added that the coop had paid her for her voluntary labor that day. Both of them had earned a few hundred rin.

“This is a super capitalist society,” said Sasha, “It’s corrupt as fuck.”

“Can I come or not?” asked Arnold.

“Maybe if you started to identify as a girl,” said Wiki. “Can you just do that?”

Arnold pulled his beard as he considered it. “I don’t think so. I’m super masculine, even with pink earmuffs.”

“Look,” I said to Sasha and Arnold. “Both of you should come with us. Before we even leave the village we’ll remind Reika it’s not a date, we’ll just give her the potato, and then tell her she doesn’t have to help us if she doesn’t want to. We’ve got plenty of potatoes.”

“Not enough to waste them,” said Wiki.

“I’ll skip dinner if I have to,” I said.

“You’re malnourished, so no,” said Sasha. “Skip dinner, Wiki.”

“Hell no,” he said. “Also, she’ll have no reason to come with us after we give her a potato.”

“I think she will, though,” I said. “She wants to come with us.”

“You ain’t that handsome,” said Sasha. Arnold gave her a deep frown, and she patted his back. “I wasn’t talking about you, sweetie, I’m sure you’ll find someone.”

“No, no, I mean she wants something else,” I said. “And I think I can guess what, even!”

“...not a free lunch?” asked Wiki.

“Is it se–” started Arnold.

“News about the Outside World.”

But we were all actually wrong.

—

“I didn’t expect you to actually find a lady, much less a fifth wheel,” said Reika.

“You underestimated me, that was your first mistake,” said Wiki.

“This is becoming a field trip, isn’t it.” She looked Arnold up and down. “Nice ax, though. I bet you could bust some heads with it.” Reika was wearing slatted sunglasses, and although she hadn’t changed out of her uniform, the difference in her demeanor was like night and day.

“A field trip,” I said. “And nothing more.”

“Yes, you’ve explained,” she said. “Thank you for the potato. I honestly didn’t expect you to cook it, as well.”

“Of course,” said Arnold, who was the only one who had thought to cook it for her. She’d set the potato behind the counter at the spa, and said she’d eat it at the end of her break.

“Seems you’re sharper than these two. Well. Where are we headed?”

“I was thinking of Kourindou, if you know where it is?” Kourindou was the casual name for Rinnosuke’s antique shop. I’d promised him we’d buy something in exchange for advice that ended up being worthless, but a promise was a promise. I just hoped he sold things like packs of gum, or single sheets of paper.

“I’ve been there a few times,” she said.

“We’ll go there, purchase something, then meditate outside for a bit, then come back,” I said.

“Sure!” She probably thought we were getting her a gift. I hoped she liked single sheets of paper or packs of gum as much as she liked potatoes.

With that we set off toward the Forest of Magic. We wouldn’t go all the way there because Kourindou was the halfway point between the Forest of Magic and the Human Village. For the first time since arriving, I felt like I had regained something like self-determination. Plans were coming together. I turned to talk to Reika, to pump her for information, but she spoke before I could.

“How’d you fall in with these three?” Reika asked Sasha.

“I was assigned to their dorm. Koishi and Miko read their minds and determined that we’d get along well.”

“Miss Komeiji and Miss Toyosatomimi,” said Reika, her correction gentle. “Do you get along?”

“Kinda,” said Sasha, waving a hand. “None have made a pass at me, which is honestly better than expected.”

“It’s been like three days,” whined Wiki. “How pathetic do you think we are?”

“My estimation of you improves with every day,” responded Sasha. “Try to keep it up, asshole.”

Reika grinned. “I’m glad you’re here, Sasha.”

“The influx of men must have really broadened your prospects, Reika.” These women were having communications without us, on a level beyond our understanding.

“Not as much as you might expect,” she said. “But yeah. I do have my eye on some new arrivals. None of those present, of course.”

“Wait,” I said. “You agreed to come so you could spend the entire time belittling us?”

“I agreed to do something entertaining,” she said. “I’m entertained so far, but shall we head back, instead?” I almost said something in anger, but then I sighed. There were things that were more important to me than my pride at that moment.

“You know what, fine, sure. Say whatever you want, at least we are going to practice danmaku.” We’d left the human village, and Yukari was nowhere to be found. Either it was acceptable, or it wasn’t and she wasn’t paying attention.

“Everybody wins,” Reika said with a grin. “Actually, that is part of my motivation as well. I wanted to see you try to make heads or tails of danmaku.”

“Huh. Can you do danmaku?”

Reika weighed her words. “I know a little,” she finally said, and we all stared at her. “I’m not a very good teacher, so don’t get your hopes up. But you actually chose well when you asked me, of all humans, to come with you.” As a matter of fact, we’d asked the foreman, a beekeeper, and a farmer first. None of them had agreed to help.

“How’d you learn danmaku?” asked Wiki. Reika thought about that question as well before answering.

“When I came to Gensokyo I thought I should learn danmaku, as a matter of course.”

“You’re from the Outside World!” said Wiki. “When–”

“I’d rather not talk about it. It was a long time ago. I had a teacher for a bit, and I picked up some things.”

“How were you taught? Who taught you? Not Kei– Miss Kamishirasawa?”

“Looks like you’re finally getting your head on straight. Well… back then there were far fewer people coming here, so Miss Kamishirasawa wasn’t involved. As for how I was taught: my teacher struck me with danmaku until I picked it up from them. She used the compulsion to help me study, to make me want to learn danmaku.” Reika kicked a rock. “I absolutely cannot do the same for you, so don’t even ask.”

“Wow,” I said.

“You still haven’t said who,” added Wiki.

“Miss Yakumo,” admitted Reika.

“Yakumo Yukari herself!” said Wiki. “What an honor.”

“I didn’t know it at the time.”

“Not a Touhou fan, then?”

“No, I’d never even heard of the games. I guess she just took a liking to me, for some unfathomable reason. She could tell that I didn’t want to live in the Outside World.” We all nodded in sympathy. Reika put a hand on the back of her head. “And to be honest, I imagine the same is true for all of you as well. She only takes the willing, and every single person Miss Yakumo brings to Gensokyo is here for a reason. She doesn’t do things randomly, despite what you’d think.”

That made me feel a bit better. We walked over a hill and I could see Rinnosuke’s shop in the distance.

“What about the blonde tweaker, then?” asked Wiki. “He got his head kicked off.”

“Sometimes her intent for you is that you die,” explained Reika.