Yakumo Yukari Gapped Me to Another World; Now I'm Trapped in the Human Village Full of Pathetic Touhou Maniacs

There was no danmaku class on Friday. I made a point of spending that time meditating anyway: my ambitions weren’t canceled with class. Back in college it had always blown my mind that students were happy to get a professor’s note canceling a class session–didn’t they pay many hundreds of dollars for it?–but that was before I learned the real purpose of college, which had nothing to do with learning. College going away was one of the silver linings of the AI revolution in the Outside World.

I was trying to meditate. However, I made a mistake: I had told the others my plan. Thus we were all sitting around the dorm, our little paper room, and failing to look inward all together.

“This is pointless,” said Sasha, breaking my concentration.

“A point is more than I’ve gotten,” said Arnold. “Axes are gonna be even harder.”

“Most danmaku are spheres,” said Wiki. “Or technically, circles. But yeah, this is pointless. We can’t cast here anyway.”

“The point is to learn your feelings,” I said. “So that next time we’ll be ready.” My feelings were pretty negative, and maybe some of that carried through into my tone.

“You heard ‘em, though,” said Sasha. “Humans are garbage at this.”

“It’s a psyop,” said Wiki. “They want us to believe we are powerless.”

“A psyop where they offer to teach us the thing they’re tricking us about?” I asked. “That makes no fucking sense.”

“Have you met Yukari?” asked Wiki. It was rhetorical; we’d all met her, and would all be meeting her again, personally, during our check ins at the end of the month. She was probably listening to this very conversation and giggling, I thought, until I realized the giggling was Arnold. “Also, there are many human users of danmaku. Hakurei Reimu is among the most powerful danmaku users in Gensokyo and she established the Spell Card Rules. Kirisame Marisa isn’t far behind, and Kochiya Sanae is right there with them!”

“You take that back,” said Sasha.

“Er, which part?”

“That Marisa is weaker than Reimu!”

“I just knew you were a Marisa stan,” said Wiki. “That doesn't matter. She obtained her power by working hard, and so can we!” He wasn’t working very hard, though.

“Marisa works hard after already knowing magic,” countered Sasha. She stood up. “I’ll work hard after I know it will accomplish something. Also, she’s like, the greediest thief that ever thieveried.”

“How is that at all relevant?”

“Marisa steals. She doesn’t do things herself–not when she can avoid that shit! So let’s wait for the next lesson, m’kay?” I wanted to tell Sasha that learning magic was a critical first step to rampant theft, but that didn’t actually change her point. If we waited for someone else to cut the path, we might have an easier time.

“The point is that she can learn danmaku in the first place,” stated Wiki.

“She could. Maybe we can’t.” Sasha touched the spiked collar around her neck. “I could be earning money right now.”

Then Sasha turned around and left. I half-expected her to flip us off, or say “see you later, losers,” but she just quietly exited the room. She didn’t even slam the door.

Several minutes later, Arnold sighed. “It’s not that I don’t want to help–”

“It’s fine,” I said through gritted teeth. “Better not to have all our eggs in one basket, anyway.”

“I’ll see you guys later, then. In time for…uh…”

“Maintenance.”

“Yeah.” He got up and left.

I went around in my head a few times about how people liked to give up without even trying. When I studied AI, it was a common sentiment that nobody cared as much as they should about the world spiraling out of human control.

Those thoughts left me wondering if I had tried hard enough in the Outside World. They were dark thoughts, ones that I didn’t think I could share with others, ones that I should have left behind, but I dutifully imagined them as danmaku anyway. When Wiki interrupted my meditation I flinched. He’d been quiet for an uncharacteristic five whole minutes.

“Sorry,” he said. “I suspect my progress has stalled. I’m going to go walk around town before work.”

“Class,” I corrected him.

“That’s the spirit!” he said, making finger guns. Despite myself I chuckled. “Good luck, though.”

“Thank you.”

He left. I was alone. Finally, I could make real progress. I considered my emotions again, from as many perspectives as I could.

Fear motivated me, according to Miko, but Reika had suggested that only emotions I wanted to express would make good danmaku. I needed something powered by fear, that I could inflict on others, and that I would want to inflict on others.

If I had been an alignment researcher twenty years earlier, back when it had first gone mainstream, I might have figured out a good emotion sooner.

–

I met the rest of the group at the bathhouse. We weren’t there to bathe; we were there to clean. Reika and a bearded old man were coordinating groups to focus on each tub, which had been emptied for the purpose. Reika had a paper megaphone, and she explained that maintenance would be over as soon as we finished cleaning to their satisfaction.

“I would like to take this opportunity to remind everyone that guests must shower before they enter the bath,” she shouted. “More frequent showering means less frequent maintenance!”

Somebody said something to her, and she turned the megaphone on them from just a few feet away.

“Sir! The river is our suggested alternative if you find the bathing process too complex. However, consider bathing once more before giving up! It gets easier with practice!” People laughed, and Reika beamed. I was glad to see her vitriol wasn’t discriminatory.

“I wonder what kind of sewage processing they do here,” said Wiki. “I wasn’t able to find a water outlet from the bathhouse to the river… and all the restrooms are outhouses.”

“So?”

“So where does the bathwater go?”

“I heard a rumor we’d be fixing that,” said Arnold. “The outhouses, I mean. Putting in actual pipes and stuff.”

“Heard a rumor?” He asked. “From who?”

“Someone was assigned to help Nitori with surveying, or something like that.”

“No, I mean, who were you gossiping with?”

“A guy at the bar.” He saw my confused look, and his voice dropped into a whisper. “Yeah, I cased the bar we’ll be going to tonight. I found all the exits, that sort of thing, because things might get dicey when and if the youkai show up.” I laughed. “What?”

“Arnold, do you fancy yourself a secret service agent or something? A detective perhaps?”

“A man who wants to survive,” he said, tapping his temple. “Just like you. I brainstormed some ways I could be helping.”

“A barfly, more like,” said Sasha. She walked up to join us as we waited for our assignment. I was mildly-relieved that they wouldn’t split us by gender yet again, but the baths had been emptied of both water and naked people. Sasha could work alongside us and still adhere to the backward gender roles of the Human Village.

“Central water makes sense only once you reach a certain population,” said Wiki. He hadn’t been following the conversation after Arnold suggested we might be putting in some infrastructure, soon.

“Five hundred?” I asked. “Seems low.”

“I’m surprised it wasn’t in place already, honestly, with all the magic around here. Perhaps because septic tanks are simpler? Digging a pit should be trivial for Yukari… gap the soil away… but maybe laying pipe would be of greater difficulty for some reason?”

“Laying pipe is easy,” said Arnold. “Dig a trench, throw it down.”

“For you maybe,” I said. Arnold was stronger than us, and more enthusiastic for physical work, too. I imagined the mistake I’d probably make: not digging deep enough. My hands still hurt from pulling weeds, but I could see calluses starting to form. Even a few days of labor was beginning to change us.

“Neither of you has laid any pipe since you arrived, or long before,” said Sasha. Reika, who was nearby, flashed her a thumbs up.

“I’ve worked as a manual laborer,” said Arnold, uncomprehending.

“There’s a million details that probably go into it,” said Wiki, oblivious. “Height drop, losses, terrain shifting… uncertainty about use… maybe Yukari just couldn’t set it up before we arrived? She can gap things, sure, but planning takes time… Ran could do the calculations, though…”

Ran was Yukari’s servant, a kitsune. She was compared to a computer in the lore and she was one of Wiki’s favorite mentions after Nazrin, Youmu, and whatever youkai was within sight. We hadn’t seen too many other youkai since the first hectic day, but sometimes he’d see a primary color and start going off on youkai that matched.

We had never seen Ran at all.

“Maybe she just needed to find some pipe to steal first,” said Arnold.

“But whence the bathwater!” He continued to mutter while we stood around and waited for our orders. The silence dragged on for a few moments.

“Make any progress?” Arnold asked me.

“Kind of. I’ve got a better grasp of my emotions, I think.” I’d figured out a lot of emotions I didn’t feel all that strongly about, at least. “If I discover anything I’ll let you know the trick.”

“That’s good,” he said.

I took a deep breath, and turned to Sasha. “Look, it’s fine if you want to learn at your own rate or whatever–”

“Good,” she said. “No problem, then.”

“I just wanted to say I was sorry.” I wasn’t really sorry for anything, except the possibility that I’d upset her.

I didn’t want to let it fester. We were supposed to be the nicest guys in Gensokyo, or at least compatible with Sasha in some deeper sense, so I thought I might as well try to live up to the ideal.

“No big deal,” she said. “I haven’t given up. I just had better things to do.”

“I’m glad,” I said. Reika came over, then, and assigned some work to us. Everyone else had already started. She’d saved us for last.

“You’ll be cleaning the blue tub on the ogre–my apologies, the male side of the bathhouse. Do you need help finding the place?”

“Ha ha,” said Wiki.

“What if I started to identify as female?” asked Arnold, suddenly. Rinnosuke had given him some ideas, I supposed. Reika gave him a confused look. Sasha explained some of the Outside World’s feelings on gender to her, which made things worse.

“Transition means something different, in Gensokyo. If you decided you were a lady, well, we’d just classify you as an ogre and send you to the male side anyway.” Reika looked him up and down. “I would provide fashion and grooming advice, as well. The beard might make it hard to…hmm…”

“Pass?” asked Sasha.

“Most people would, I imagine,” she said.

“Fashion advice for free?” asked Arnold. “What am I saying, you’re always giving things away for free!” He was smiling wide enough that I couldn’t tell if he was being sincere.

“I am very charitable,” she said. “Can people really just change their gender in the Outside World?”

“Not easily,” said Wiki. “What about youkai? It seems like choosing an arbitrary appearance should mean choosing an arbitrary gender.”

“That’s not,” she said, before putting her hand on her chin. “I don’t know, but I suspect not, since I’ve never heard of it.”

“Don’t worry,” said Arnold, “It was just a what-if. I’d never shave my beard.” It didn’t look like he ever had.

“That’s good. When you get to the drain, you will see why.”

“What if Hoshiguma Yuugi came here?” asked Wiki with a narrowed eye. “She’s an actual ogre, so would you let her bathe on the ‘oni’ side, regardless of gender?”

“She’d bathe wherever she pleased, of course,” said Reika with a bow. “As ogres do. For her that would likely be the hot springs in the underworld.” In one of the games, you fought her in a bathhouse that was underground. “How do you know of Miss Hoshiguma, anyway?”

“She appears in several titles,” said Wiki. “Her abilities are described as unexplainable,” he added, before proceeding to explain her abilities. She was super strong, able to flatten trees merely by screaming, and knock over entire buildings by walking. He also mentioned her drinking dish that produced an endless stream of alcohol before Reika interrupted him.

“This is all apparent from these games that describe Gensokyo?” she asked.

“That is correct,” he said. “Why?”

“I worried that you had visited a rival bathhouse!”

“We can’t leave the village,” Wiki objected.

She laughed. “No, you can’t leave it safely. Anyway, at some point you should tell me everything else you learned from these games. It’s very interesting!”

“Better quit your job then,” said Sasha. “It’ll take a while.”

“No-can-do. But if you finish early, come talk to me for some further tasking. The blue tub is usually the easiest.” Then Reika went on her way. We grabbed some rags and horsehair brushes and went to work.

As it happened, we were the first to finish, and had plenty of time to go chit-chat with Reika. She didn’t give us another task. I wanted to use the opportunity to ask her about danmaku, but she probed Wiki for his Touhou knowledge before I could, and he was waxing poetic.

“Miss Kamishirasawa is the only youkai known to live in the human village,” said Wiki. “However, many others come to visit.”

“Of course,” said Reika.

“I’m sure you are aware, considering the bathhouse’s former design.”

He held up his hand and started counting off names–Rinnosuke, Mamizou the tanuki, the vampiric Scarlet Sisters and their maid Sakuya. He went on for a bit. Reika looked increasingly alarmed, and I got uncomfortable too as he listed Sekibanki the rokurokubi and Kagerou the werewolf.

“You shouldn’t just name drop like that,” hissed Reika. Wiki tilted his head, and she continued in a whisper. “Youkai that come to the village in disguise might take exception to you revealing their presence.”

“Everyone knows this,” said Wiki. “I’m saying nothing that isn’t known to all.”

“Actually–” started Arnold.

“Come on,” he continued, ignoring Arnold. “You even had a youkai side to the bath house!”

“Yes,” said Reika, “And Miss Yakumo herself instructed me to forget everyone I saw going into that section.” She gave Wiki a serious look. “Don’t go poking around, if you know what’s good for you.”

“What about Geidontei?” She almost slapped him; I saw her twitch. It was the name of the bar that youkai frequented after hours. “Do you know where it is?”

“You shouldn’t know its name,” she said, ignoring his question. “Never say that name again. Are you telling me that all the new humans know about youkai going to… the pub, after hours?”

“Any that have read the Touhou work Lotus Eaters, which is disgracefully few.” Wiki rubbed his chin. “We are going to Hidontei this evening. It wasn’t mentioned in the works, but it’s our second best shot since we couldn't find G–the other one.”

Reika’s expression became neutral. “Fair enough. Just don’t put up a fight to stay later when they close. That’d be rude at any pub.”

“It’s the same fucking place, isn’t it?” asked Sasha. “I’m not fooled by your pretending it’s fine if we go there instead of one of the other two, oh, what are they called, izakaya.” Reika’s frown returned.

Wiki started to laugh loudly and awkwardly.

“避呑亭, Hidontei, means ‘don’t get swallowed pub,’” he explained. “It’s the opposite of the original name!” Geidontei meant something like ‘swallowed in one gulp,’ I recalled, something that Wiki had told us during the first several days in Gensokyo.

I was irritated on Reika’s behalf that we were discussing this so openly; she looked angry.

“Miss Yakumo instructed them to change it before the influx of humans,” said Reika. “For a reason, undoubtedly.”

“That explains why we couldn’t find it,” he admitted.

“Don’t go there, if you know what’s good for you!”

“I went there earlier today,” said Arnold. “I didn’t see anything suspicious.”

“A barkeep with pink hair?” asked Wiki, making Reika facepalm.

“She had light blue hair, actually.”

“Ah, a name change for the izakaya and a change of hair color. That makes sense, Miss Miyoi is a za–” Reika covered his mouth with her hand.

“Please. Stop. No more.”

“Mmmphf,” said Wiki.

“You need to learn how to be quiet every once-and-awhile, alright?”

“Mmphf-mmphf.” She sighed and released him, so he continued in a whisper. “The barkeep surely won’t harm me, it isn’t in her nature.” I knew the thing he had been about to mention, because he had already told me.

Okunoda Miyoi was a zashiki-warashi, a ‘spirit of a household’. They were known for bringing good fortune, for being one of very few youkai that didn’t ever harm humans, and also for spying on behalf of Yukari. Wiki had said something about the human village expelling them, then inviting them back because they were missed. I hadn’t been paying close attention; I wasn’t sure if they were still supposed to be in the village or not.

From the way Reika was acting, perhaps not; perhaps Okunoda Miyoi was breaking the rules.

“She won’t harm you,” said Reika, “No, but if her nature is revealed it might harm her. Especially if tourists come to seek her out. That’s almost the opposite of what is good for such a spirit.”

Arnold blinked. “If it’s going to harm the youkai–”

“Doesn’t matter, we have to go,” said Wiki. “We need to make youkai allies. We’ll keep her nature under our hats, but we need to meet other youkai there after hours.”

“No,” said Reika. “Remember blondie? Did you learn nothing from that?”

“I learned that danmaku is the only hope we have for remaining safe.”

“I’ll help you learn danmaku,” said Reika. “Just please, please leave Miss Miyoi alone! Any youkai that lingers in the human village is in a precarious place, but especially if they are nice to humans.” I thought of Sekibanki and her demand for secrecy. “Miss Miyoi may be nice, but she has friends who would consider it an invasion.” Her voice went quieter. “The very same you’d be asking for favors. They won’t play nice.”

Miss Miyoi seemed to have a lot in common with Sekibanki after all; friends, secrets, usefulness.

“Well…” said Wiki. He turned to me. “We need as much help as we can get, right?”

With both Sekibanki and Reika, we probably had enough help in my estimation–but he didn’t have the whole story. Neither did Reika, and she was looking at me too, with a sad expression.

“We won’t go to Hidontei tonight,” I said. She let out a breath.

“Thank you.”

“Darn,” said Arnold.

“I notice I’m confused,” said Wiki.

“Or if we do,” I added, “we’ll leave when the bar closes, before anyone weird shows up. And we’ll be nice to the staff, of course, not asking them anything.”

“Not much point then,” said Wiki. I nodded.

“We need to learn, it’s true, but let’s not run roughshod over everyone in the process. Making enemies is worse than having no allies at all, as far as survival is concerned.”

Wiki shrugged. “That settles that, I guess. I’ll admit I wasn’t looking forward to going to the bar, minus the chance to meet someone… interesting.”

“That’s why you go to bars,” said Arnold.

“You’ve got me for that,” said Reika. “Maybe we can go there sometime? During the day?”

As it happened, we weren’t the only people who’d had the idea, but we wouldn’t learn that until later.