Working Out Issues

"Adam, stop," I pleaded, "My leg's cramping up."

Adam sighed and slowed down. I hobbled up to him. My leg really was cramping. Probably a combination of the sudden cold weather, and my... unorthodox workout this morning.

"Oof," I steadied myself against him and rubbed my sore leg, "Okay. Thank you. Can you please tell me what's going on, bro?"

"Nothing," said Adam, "It's stupid. I just wanna go home, dude."

I stood up. Ow. Mistake. Adam started walking again, head down, hands in his coat pockets.

"Bro," I said, "Did Ashanti say something to you?"

"No," he said, "Ashanti's great. Believe it or not, she's a really good listener."

"Well that's good!" I started limping after him, careful not to slip in the fresh snow, "What did you guys talk about?"

"We were talking about weird dates, and I told her I hadn't been on any for a while," he said, "Then she asked me if it was because I had someone special in my life, and I said..."

"What?" I asked.

"Never mind," Adam started walking faster.

I filled in the gaps in my head. Adam must have felt pressured to talk about how he hadn't been with a girl in two years. My heart ached. That must have been really embarrassing. I wanted to give him a hug, but i knew I shouldn't. Also, he was walking really fast. I hobbled after him quickly. He slowed down for me.

"But you had a whole conversation with an actual girl who was into you!" I said, "In a... date-like setting. That's really good progress, right?"

"I guess," said Adam, "But she could tell I was distracted, because I was busy thinking about you and..."

"What?" I asked.

"Never mind," he said, and picked up the pace again.

Damn it! I knew that bailing on dinner would make Adam worried. But how was he meant to bond with Ashanti if I was there the whole time?

I gritted my teeth and tried to catch up by walking normally. Ow. Ow. It kind of worked if I kept my leg super straight like a robot. Ow.

"She wasn't too mad when you left, was she?" I asked, "Like, she still likes you, right?"

"No, yeah, she's great, man," said Adam, "Actually, she was the one who said I should go after you. She said I should just tell you..."

"What?" I asked.

Adam stopped and looked at me. He opened his mouth like he was gonna say something, then blushed and started walking fast again.

Oh no. Was he that pissed at me?

I gave up on the robot walk and tried to chase after him while hunched over, rubbing my cramped up leg. I probably looked like a crazy mutant crab-man -- crab-woman! -- but it was working.

"Tell me what, Adam?" I asked.

"Never mind!" he said, flustered.

"Dude! Tell me!" I said.

"No!" he protested, "It... it's stupid, dude. It's just..."

"What? Tell me! I won't make fun of you, I promise!" I said.

"No, I know," he said, "I just... I can't. I can't."

He sped up again. I scurried after him like a demented goblin.

"Adam! Just tell me bro!" I said.

He looked over his shoulder, and burst out laughing when he saw what I was doing. I grabbed him by the wrist while he was off guard.

"There!" I said triumphantly, "Now you can't get away."

He smiled, "Yeah. I guess you caught me."

"That's right," I said, getting right up in his face, "And I'm not letting go until you tell me what you wanted to say."

We were so close our faces were nearly touching. I could see the pinkness spread through his cheeks as he blushed.

"I can't," he whispered, "It's too.... I'm too scared."

He really was, I realized. I could feel his pulse racing, feel the warm air against my face as his breathing quickened. God. I just wanted to hold him close to my chest until all his fears and anxieties faded away. Almost without thinking I found myself stretching up on my tiptoes. Adam's lips parted slightly...

No! No! Stupid, selfish asshole! I pulled back, stepped away. If Adam was too scared then I had to be the brave one. I had to lead by example.

"Adam," I said, with a confidence I wasn't sure I really possessed, "I want to start dating."

His eyes widened, "Wait. Really?"

"Yes," I said firmly, "I think I'm ready."

"You mean, like," Adam hesitated, "Like... you and me?"

"Yes!" I said, "You and me, exactly!"

Thank god! I knew he was ready, he just needed a push! I was so glad we were on the same page!

And I could tell Adam was happy about it too. Oh my god, really happy. I had expected him to be more hesitant but he was smiling more than I had ever seen him before. He wrapped me up in a big hug.

I squealed, "Adam! I didn't expect you to be this excited about it!"

"Of course I am," he laughed. He pulled back and just looked at me. He looked like he was so happy he was gonna burst. Oh my god, he had tears in his eyes! "I... I wanted to tell you, I was just... just scared."

"Oh wow," I said, "Dude, I had no idea."

He wiped the tears away from his eyes, "I'm sorry. It's stupid, I know."

"No," I said, "It's okay. It's my fault. I'm sorry, I felt like I wasn't ready."

He nodded, "I get it, I totally get it."

"But, Adam, these past few months with you have been so amazing," I said.

He nodded quickly, "I know. So amazing. You're amazing."

"And I feel like it's made me feel so much more confident, and sure of myself, and... happy, you know?"

Adam squeezed me tightly, "I know. Me too. The past couple months have been the happiest I've ever been in my life, dude."

"And, all the stuff we did together..." I took a deep breath, "As friends. I really liked doing it with you. But I think I'm ready for the real thing now."

Adam nodded again, wiping away more tears, "Yes! Yes, me too. I'm so ready."

I felt a nervous twinge. Something seemed... off. I was really glad that Adam was excited, and I felt a little guilty that his concern for me had apparently been holding him back when he had actually been ready to date again for a while. But his reaction seemed a little strange. I tried to pick my words really carefully, to make sure there was no way he could misinterpret what I was saying.

"I'm ready for a real relationship," I said, "Like, a proper, official, romantic relationship. Not just the two of us fooling around as friends. Cause I liked it, Adam. I really liked it. But I'm ready to take the next step. And I want you to take it with me."

Adam grinned, "I want to, Mel. I want to take that step with you. More than anything."

I took a deep breath. Awesome. And yet, I felt that knot in my stomach again. That selfish, jealous feeling was back. This was what I had wanted, the whole time: Adam feeling excited and ready to start dating again. And yet, now that I was faced with that reality, I almost regretted it. No more kisses. No more snuggling in bed when we were feeling lonely. No more early morning cuddles while we made breakfast together.

But this was what was right for Adam. I had to do it. And, I decided, I had to come clean. He deserved to know.

"Adam," I said, "There's something else I have to tell you."

He could hear the seriousness in my voice, and he looked at me with concern, "Of course, dude. What's up?"

"I was talking to Jeremy," I said, "And... and, he helped me realize some things about myself...."

Adam rubbed my biceps supportively, "Okay. Whatever it is, dude, I'm here for you."

I steadied myself. Just rip off the bandaid.

"I like guys," I said.

Adam looked at me, confused.

"....yeah," he said.

"And I'm transgender," I said, almost rushing through it, "I'm a girl. At least, I am inside. And I always have been, and I should have realized it, but I didn't, or I was trying to suppress it, but it was there. The whole time we were together, I wasn't just some straight dude experimenting or whatever, I was a bi girl, and I'm so sorry, I should have..."

"Hey!" said Adam, and the confused look disappeared from his face, replaced with absolute certainty, "Mel, it's okay. You have nothing to be sorry for. You are an amazing, wonderful, incredible person. And I'm so proud of you, and I want to support you however I can, and this doesn't change the way I feel about you at all. I love you, Mel. No matter what. I love you."

My heart soared. I started crying happy tears too, matching the ones still streaked down Adam's face. How was he so perfect?

"I love you too, bro," I smiled.

Adam hugged me tightly, then leaned forward. For a second I was confused, and then I realized.

He was trying to kiss me.

I jerked away, "Whoa! What are you doing?!"

Adam froze, "Um... kissing my girlfriend?"

"WHAT?!"

"I... wait..." Adam stammered, "Oh, shit. Not in public?"

"Not ever!" I shrieked, "Adam, what the fuck? Girlfriend?"

He shrank back, "I'm sorry! I don't... is it different for transgender girls, or--"

"Adam, we're not a couple!"

"But..." he looked stricken, "But I thought... you wanted to start dating...."

"Other people!" I said, "I wanted us to start dating other people! How was that not clear?"

"But... you said... the past few months..."

"Yeah, they helped me get more confident!" I said, "Confident enough to go and ask someone out!"

Adam stumbled away and fell back against the wall.

"No," he whispered, "No, no, no."

He slowly sank down to the ground, clasping his face in his hands.

"Adam," I said slowly. How had I fucked this up so badly? I tried to control my breathing, talk calmly, kindly, instead of screaming and freaking out at myself, "Adam, dude. Think about it. You don't want to date me, right?"

Adam looked up at me. He had tears in his eyes again, but they weren't happy tears this time. He was hunched at the base of the wall. The snow must have been soaking into his slacks but he didn't even seem to notice.

"I do. I do," he said desperately, "Mel, please."

"No!" I said, "Adam! You don't! You could be with anyone!"

"I want to be with you!" he said, "Why would I want to be with anyone else?"

"Because I suck!" I yelled, "Adam I suck! I'm a fucking shit person! I'm selfish, and greedy, and jealous, and lazy and weak and FAT! And I didn't even know I was a fucking girl until twenty minutes ago!"

"I don't care!" Adam yelled tearfully, "I don't care if you're a girl, or a boy, and I definitely don't care if you're fat! Why would I care if you're fat? I'm in love with you!"

The falling snow should have deadened the sound, but what Adam said seemed to ring in the air around us for ages.

"I'm in love with you," he said again.

I felt a million different emotions whirling around inside me, like snowflakes in a blizzard, but I pushed them all down and did what I knew was right.

"I think we should stop seeing each other," I said quietly, "Our lease runs out in a couple of months, so I can keep paying my half of the rent while I stay with someone else. Then you can find another roommate."

"Mel, no," Adam pleaded, "We can... we can keep being roommates! I don't have to be your boyfriend, I can just keep being your... your sweet--"

"Adam, no," I said, trying not to let my voice break, "This has to stop. I'm not gonna keep weighing you down like this."

"You're not," Adam pleaded, "Mel, you lift me up! Mel, you--"

"Adam, stop!" I said. His voice trailed off, and he looked up at me, eyes still awash with tears, breathing shakily. I looked away and continued, "I'm gonna grab some clothes, and then I'm gonna sleep at a friend's house tonight."

"It's Jeremy, isn't it?" mumbled Adam.

I sighed, "Yeah. He saw that I was freaking out after we kissed, and he said I could stay with him if I needed."

In a tiny voice, Adam whispered, "You kissed?"

I bit my lip. Fuck. I could always count on myself to say exactly the wrong fucking thing every time.

"It's not like that," I said, "It was just one kiss, after I came out. Just as friends, you know? Friends kiss sometimes."

Adam laughed hollowly, "Yeah. I guess they do."

I winced. Way to go, dipshit.

"I'm sorry, Adam," I said, "You're a really, really good guy. You just deserve to be with someone who's good enough for you."

Adam got to his feet and reached for me. I flinched when his hands touched my shoulders.

"Then stay," he said, "Please, Mel. Please stay."

My whole body ached. Worse than my cramped leg. Worse than the pain after my first Michelle Champion work out. Worse than seeing Adam on a date with another woman. Say yes, Mel. Just say yes, and you can be his. You can be his girlfriend, and he could be your boyfriend, and you could be so, so, happy together.

Until he realizes what a terrible person you are. Until he realizes how happy he could be with a girl who goes out to clubs, and does squats without freaking out, and has a pussy, and doesn't take advantage of him. Until he realizes that there are millions and millions of people who are better than you, simply because they aren't you.

Or maybe he'll never realize, and you'll trap him forever, and he'll just spend the rest of his life with you leeching away at him, never feeling the happiness that he deserves.

Just say yes.

"I can't," I whispered, "I'm sorry. Do you think you could give me half an hour before you come home?"

Adam let go of me. He looked broken. For the first time, his body, so huge and muscular and perfect, looked weak.

"Yeah," he said, "I'll go to the gym."

He looked at me one last time, just long enough for me to see the hurt in his eyes, then turned and walked into the night.