Winter Swan

– I hope you will respect my decision, Kail.

After she finished packing her bags, Silje started writing a letter to Kail in her dark room. She had the lights turned off and only the desk lamp was on.

These were her last words to him:

– I don’t ever want to see you again. A lot has happened between us and although the memories of our time together could be remembered as sweet to one person, they will always cause me pain and heartache. I don’t want to feel such intense emotions about a person anymore. I don’t want to waste my time being drained by these feelings. From now on, I want to focus on my original plan of becoming independent… And that is why I don’t want to see you again, Kail. Let’s go our separate ways now. Please let me go. You need to release me. I know it won’t be easy for you to do it and no matter what I tell you, I know you will still search for me with dogged obsession until you have no choice but to give up. But I am letting you know that this is my final decision and I will not change my mind. So please… Respect my feelings. Let’s end it here and now. Let’s never see each other again, Kail. That is what I truly want.

There was no doubt in her words that she wanted to escape from him. This was the result of what Ingrid had done to her.

It was their fate to meet each other. They were each other’s destiny. Everything that happened was all meant to be.

But this love was also never meant to last. It would’ve been better if they had never met. If they just went their own separate paths from the beginning… It would’ve been less painful for both of them.

-Let’s never meet again, Kail. That is the best thing for everyone.

“…”

She cut her hand and let her blood mark the letter. This was how he would know she meant what she wrote.

Their love started with blood, and it was going to end with blood too.

Silje closed her eyes as the redness splotches on the paper. She felt empty inside.

Finally, the day before leaving Norway had come.

She couldn’t breathe, so she went outside for a walk. Her mind was foggy, and ignoring Olga’s accusing look, she walked out of the house and got on the bus.

She got off at a stop and walked the rest of the way slowly.

Vigeland Park.

The place where she and Kail had their first date.

As she walked around, she saw the familiar faces of the sculptures. Sadness, happiness, pain, and anger.

The emotional statues looked down at her intensely. The wind blew harshly against her, and like a statue herself, Silje stood still.

She was with him the first time she came here, and now she was alone.

However, she wasn’t sad or disappointed. Her body and soul were ruined beyond repair… She was still calm; Silje realized that if a person was in too much pain, it could make that person tranquil.

It was a gloomy winter day and too early for the park to be crowded with people. Oddly enough though, the lake was swarming with white swans. Staring at them, Silje suddenly felt something.

The white swans…

“…”

The whiteness of them reminded her of ashes, bringing back the devastation to her heart.

Her life was so hard. She was abandoned as a wee baby and to survive, she had to constantly fend for herself.

All by herself.

All alone.

Every day was a battle for her, and although she finally found her soulmate, she was alone again.

And she lost her baby too. An innocent new life. She didn’t protect it.

Her eyes blurred and Silje murmured quietly, “… I’m sorry, my baby. I’m sorry I lost you. I didn’t protect you, and I am sorry. I am so sorry… I don’t even deserve to speak to you…”

Looking at the calm lake, Silje continued to whisper, “All my life, I fought against the world. Yes, I fought and fought to survive. I didn’t want to be seen as weak by others, so I made sure not to show any tears. I am sorry that I can’t even give you a small gravestone to remember you by. I’m sorry I can’t do anything for you. All I can do is to say goodbye to you here… Don’t ever forgive your mother.”

Silje cried silently. Her tears rolled down like prized pearls and covered her face. She clenched her teeth so that she wouldn’t sob uncontrollably. Her heart was bleeding.

Suddenly, she heard the swans cry as well.

Winter swans.

Were they crying for her? Crying with her? Silje smiled faintly but her eyes remained cold as she glared at the lake. The sharp wind cut into her, but that was ok.

She was ready for the cruel and painful life ahead of her.