What We Do to Survive

I woke up sore in a way I couldn’t quite describe. Mentally and physically, I felt fine, good even. I was well rested and ready to go. My spirit though, the mana that flowed through my soul felt tired and sore, like an overstrained muscle after a too-intense workout.

That was exactly what it was, I realized quickly. We’d briefly covered mana strain during my first year, but I’d never gone far enough to experience it. It typically took a much larger mana pool than I possessed to use so much mana in one sitting without running out. The exercises the Myrddin had led us through were different, I had barely burned any mana, but had been using it nonstop for two hours in a way I’d never experienced before.

I tried to use a simple spell to check the time, but found my mana slow to respond and almost painful. It really was like a sore muscle. I managed to cast the spell on my second attempt, thankful I’d not started with something more complicated. I was pretty sure I could survive the backlash of a second or third circle spell, but it would have been an incredibly embarrassing end if I couldn’t.

This put something of a crimp in my plans for the day. I didn’t dare leave my room like I was now and I didn’t want to miss my meetings with Janna and Miranda later today. I hopped out of bed, looking with distaste at my rumpled outfit and dirtied sheets. Something else to take care of, wonderful.

I slipped out of the soiled uniform, tossing it carelessly onto my bed. Slipping on a pair of light shorts, I padded silently to the chest where I kept the majority of my old books. It took a bit of digging, but eventually I found the textbook I was looking for.

It was a relatively thin text, barely two hundred pages and clearly well worn. It was my first year mana theory book, and one I’d spent an excessive amount pouring over back in the day. Hopefully it had something to help with mana strain, I thought it did but I’d spent most of my time with the book reading about pure mana exercises and had somewhat neglected the other two chapters of material.

I smiled nostalgically as the book fell open to one particular page I had just been thinking of a few days before. Exercise 7.2 - Lateral movement with multiple objects; it was the exercise Janna had failed to perform when I’d been testing her during our meeting. I ran my fingers over the neatly drawn diagrams, almost laughing as I read the annotations scattered around the page. Some of them were quite on point, others I’d been way off the mark.

There was a small hand-drawn picture, along with a speculative question about the ideal mana flow, crossed out with bright red ink. Professor Zim’s expression when I’d asked him about it had been really something, and he’d warned me not to try anything of the sort without supervision. Looking back, I could see why. What I’d thought to do had the risk of creating an unstable matrix and killing me with the backlash.

I let myself indulge for a few minutes, flipping slowly through the chapter and remembering a time when things had been so much simpler. Then I shook my head and flipped to the back of the book, squinting as I scanned the appendix. There, page 33, mana strain.

It wasn’t much, mana strain wasn’t a particularly common problem and this was a text meant for beginners, but that was better than nothing. I didn’t think any of my other books would be of more help, and I’d already decided I wasn’t going anywhere until I was feeling better.

At the very least, it told me that the issue shouldn’t persist for long, I’d definitely be fully recovered by the time classes resumed, but that didn’t help me in the short term. Fortunately, it also suggested several exercises, simple internal movements, that should promote a speedy recovery.

After completing my morning routine and drinking down another unpleasant vial of nutrient potion (Janna couldn’t deliver those ingredients soon enough), I ran through the seven movements the author had suggested. It didn’t take long, maybe ten minutes total, but it said not to over do it and repeat the exercise every hour until recovered. Even after just one attempt, I could feel an improvement. It was just after seven, so I had four more sessions before I needed to meet with Miranda. That would have to be enough.

Miranda bit her lip nervously, foot tapping a soft staccato against the cafeteria’s hardwood floor. She’d arrived early and claimed a table in one corner near the window. It had a wonderful view, overlooking one of the Academy’s gardens and with the lake just barely visible in the distance. Orion liked that sort of thing, and he always appreciated punctuality as well.

Her nails bit painfully into her knee as she cast another clock spell. Seven after. Orion had never been late to one of their meetings and she didn’t know what that meant. Was he angry at her? Unsatisfied with something she’d done? Maybe it was just leftover annoyance from her little deception by omission? She didn’t know and the ignorance sent her mind spiraling wildly.

Her heart clenched painfully as she remembered the feeling of his hand against her cheek, deceptively gentle as he looked down on her. The phantom clink of steel chains echoed in her ears and her breath caught in her throat as she remembered the icy collar cinching tightly around her neck.

A hand on her shoulder almost had her jumping out of her skin as she whirled to look at the person who had surprised her. Orion raised an eyebrow and let go, taking his own seat as she breathed deeply to still her racing heart.

“Sorry about that. Didn’t mean to startle you.”

His voice was calm and even, but there was a trace of something in his eyes. Annoyance? Anger? Something else? She didn’t know and not knowing scared her. He’d always looked so open and innocent back during their first year. She hadn’t seen past that mask in time to save herself, and she’d never had any more success seeing through his more recent polite smiles.

Outwardly, she didn’t let any of that show as she let herself fall back into the comfortable role she’d played for so many years. “Oh don’t worry about that, I was just lost in thought.” She giggled conspiratorially and covered her mouth with a hand. “Liam was such a considerate gentleman.”

The typical chidding ‘Miranda’ she expected never came. Orion simply nodded and stood back up. “Let’s get some food.” Another stab of fear shot through her chest. That was different and she hated different. Different was chains and whips and gags. Different was suffocating in an inescapable chokehold, clawing weakly at muscular arms as her life flashed before her eyes. Different scared her.

She stood up and followed regardless. What else was there to do? The clack of her heels was loud in the mostly empty cafeteria as she hurried to catch up. She silently cursed the dress she’d chosen to wear today, a traditional sheath-style dress originating from Orion’s home region. The knee length skirt fit incredibly tightly, limiting her to short, careful steps.

She’d hoped the dress would help put him at ease, things that reminded him of home tended to as long as they weren’t too personal. He usually commented whenever he saw her wearing something new, but hadn’t said a word about it today. Did he not like it? Was it somehow connected to those few bits of his past that made him clam up in fury whenever they came up?

He was already at the counter, filling two plates with eggs, bread, fresh vegetables, and cured meats. She didn’t argue when he silently waved her away from the dish rack and handed her one. If he wanted her to eat the same thing he was eating, she certainly wasn’t going to say anything. It had been long enough that she’d almost forgotten what an angry Orion looked like, and the recent reminder was very fresh in her mind. She didn’t think refusing his food selection would be enough to set him off, but she preferred not to pile extra straw onto that particular camel’s back.

Once again she had to hurry after him as he strode off, only stopping briefly to grab a cup of steaming tea and hand her a tall glass of her preferred cherry juice. She accepted it with a smile and a cheeky lick of her lips, but even to her they felt forced. If Orion noticed, he didn’t say anything.

Despite his apparent eagerness to get food, Orion did not start eating immediately. He set his plate and cup down in front of him and fixed her with an impassive stare. After a moment of consideration, she met his eyes squarely, hands fidgeting nervously in her lap and out of sight. Orion tended to prefer frankness from her rather than the sultry, submissive posture she tended to assume around her targets, so hopefully that was what he wanted here as well.

“Tell me about Brenda?” he eventually asked, “I don’t mean my apparent relationship with the girl, but just like, in general.”

It took her a moment to formulate an answer. She’d expected questions about the girl sooner or later, especially after the –a heavy clink of metal on metal, a calloused palm gently roughly trailing down her neck– conversation on Thursday.

“Well, she’s a cheerful young woman, she acts a lot like I usually do, though it’s less an act with her I think? I don’t think she’s quite as silly as she sometimes portrays herself as, but not that much more clever.”

She paused for a moment, unconsciously adjusting her dress to show more of her bust as she often did when she was uncomfortable. Orion clearly noticed, though the slight hint of disapproval was not the typical reaction from men when she did that. He crossed his arms and leaned back in his chair in a clear signal for her to continue. She tried to think what else he would be interested in.

“She specializes mostly in support magic, though I think she’s taken the minimum three courses each semester so she hasn’t had much room to focus on anything. She definitely came in with some sort of prior skill, though I think she was one of the staff picks and not one of the regular applicants. Pretty sure Professor Fiylaar is like her paternal second cousin or something? They aren’t close by any means but that's the most likely string her mom pulled for her.”

She paused again and took a sip of juice. Though the sweet, chilled juice tasted nothing like it, she couldn’t help but remember the cold, tasteless goop he’d spoonfed her. She’d spit it out, but only once. He’d forced her face into the floor to lick it up, not relenting until every disgusting drop was gone. He ‘had to keep her strength up, no matter what I decide to do with you’.

“I know she’s taken a couple of healing classes, and she’s pretty good at it? Not great but I don’t think she ever had any trouble in those classes. I also think she might be good at scrying, but that's a bit of a longshot. She’s never taken a class for it here but that locket she usually wears under her dress looks a lot like a tiny scrying mirror.”

He hummed thoughtfully, tapping one finger slowly against the table. “And how do you feel about her?”

“I… don’t really have an opinion one way or the other” she answered after a short pause, “We’ve shared a couple classes but I’ve barely spoken with her. We spent a little time together freshman years, hung around the same people, but these days the only man she spends time with is you. She has some useful connections if you do decide to pursue a relationship with her, but as a person she just doesn’t seem all that interesting. She’s a poor mage, kind of boring, and I guess she’s kind of cute but… you could do better.” She blushed shyly and looked away as she blurted out the last few words.

Oh gods why had she said that? She was scared to see how he reacted. She hadn’t meant to say it but it had just… slipped out. It was such a natural part of her normal mask, flirting with any and everyone around her that she had completely forgotten that Orion seeing her in that light was bad. Chains and collars and pain bad.

A soft chuckle had her turning back towards him, who clearly found her comment and embarrassment highly amusing. He shook his head and took a long sip from his still steaming cup, a look of contentment on his face.

“Ah, you’re really something Miranda. Let's eat and we can continue after. I’m starving.”

Without another word, he promptly proceeded to ignore her entirely, digging into his food with gusto and staring into the distance out the window. Miranda sat there for several moments, somewhat stumped by the rapid change in attitude.

Eventually, she decided to simply comply and dug in herself. The request hadn’t been phrased as an order, but she could still feel the faint pressure of her oath pushing her to do as he commanded. It was better to comply in places like this, where it didn’t matter one way or the other, so she had more slack when ‘suggestions’ were much more serious.

She took a deep breath, savoring the sweet smell of freshly baked bread and sliced fruit. Maybe today would be different? Orion had seemed almost pleasant today, happy. He’d been in a good mood yesterday too.

Her first bite disabused her of the notion. The bread tasted of nothing and misery, the cured meat like dust and ash. Mundane food had never done much for her, she was primarily a manavore after all so regular fare could at best help stave off starvation, but around him it was oh so much worse.

She closed her eyes and swallowed, bile rising in the back of her throat even as she mechanically brought the fork back to her mouth. Bite, chew, swallow, repeat. Her current bindings might be invisible, but she could always feel them at the back of her mind. So close to him, they felt alive, like snakes ready to strike. Always watching, waiting for the right moment.

Someday, she would slip up, go too far. Maybe it wouldn’t even be her fault, maybe he would just have a bad day and need someone to take it out on. All she could do was push it back, to say the end would not be today. She had to be friendly, helpful, pleasant, useful.

Orion understood useful above all; he was practical that way. As long as she was of greater utility outside his direct influence, that was where she would remain. She feared for the day her… parts would be more valuable than the whole. She took another painful bite and swallowed. After all, she had to keep her strength up.