What Little Remains Of Terpsichore Ironheart

"Well, I'll be damned," Dad said, as I put the enchanted jar atop the mantel, just off to the side of the mechanical clock I'd built from scratch last year. "The head of the King Of Thieves. I'll admit, son, I didn't think you had it in you." It was a further desecration of Maxwell's corpse- adding insult to injury, by not only displaying his severed head like a hunting trophy, but also by wordlessly stating that his death was less of an accomplishment than making a fucking clock.

"Oh, ye of little faith," I said.

"I know, I know, it's just... you're eighteen, Joseph. In the old days, a Mage-Knight started his training at that age, and didn't finish until he was fifty."

"That was then," I said, stepping back to admire my handiwork. Maxwell Tenpenny had died screaming. I grinned a little. "This is now."

"What your father means is that you've impressed him beyond words," Mom said. "And I am also proud of you, Joseph."

"Thank you," I said, nodding to her.

"Hey, weird question, but... was there a practical reason for taking that guy's head?" Talia asked. "Or are we just being vindictive and ghoulish?"

"A good cleric can bring someone back from the dead if they've got the whole body," Faith said. "Taking the head is a surefire way to prevent that, and make it hard for them to even identify who died."

"Ahhh, gotcha, gotcha," Talia said.

"By the way, Mom, I'm really sorry about this, but I'm gonna need another power crystal for my bike," I said. "The King of Thieves managed to steal the power crystal from my bike, and I had to jury-rig in another magic item."

"Are you referring to moi?" Volex asked, emerging from her reliquary. "Because I assure you, Master... you're gonna have to explain a lot more than that."

"...You have a succubus?" Talia demanded.

"That was the other thing Tenpenny had stolen from Brown's office," I said. "She was originally supposed to rape me as part of a ritual that'd steal my lifespan and give it to the King of Thieves, but it turned out that a literal demon had a more functional moral compass than the King of Thieves, and she joined me in mutiny against Tenpenny."

"...Oh," Talia said, in a very small voice.

"Anyhow, where is... ah, there is. One moment, please." I walked over to the end table where my pre-battle spoils had gone, and picked up a bundle of enchanted dropcloth. "Napoleon, Frederick, I present to you..." I unfurled the cloth, depositing into the center of the den the funerary effigy of-

"Is that Terpsichore Ironheart?" Volex asked, emerging from her reliquary.

"Oh no," I whispered.

"You two knew each other?" Talia asked.

"Volex?" Frederick asked. "Is that you?"

"In the flesh," Volex said, nodding. "Joseph, you should've told me you knew Terpsichore! We go way back. God, what a woman..."

"I think I'm gonna be sick," I said.

"What's wrong?" Faith asked, frowning.

"Oh, he's just upset because he fucked me before he knew I fucked his grandpa," Volex said, waving dismissively.

"You had sex?!" Talia demanded.

"Not the salient point, here," I said.

"Fuck the salient point, I want to get fucked!" Talia yelled.

"Maybe don't say that with your outside voice," Faith said.

"Oh, please, we've all heard worse over weeknight dinners," Frederick said dismissively.

"This is why I left the Rosewood Kingdom," someone said behind me, causing me to whip around to see-

Ah. Fuck. Of course there's consequences for killing a sitting Guildmaster.

"For those of you who don't recognize me, my name is Helen Rosewood," the Archmage of the Adventurer's Guild said. She was an elfish woman with vibrant, rose-red hair, a well-tailored suit with cufflinks that glowed the distinctive arcane blue, and a pair of gold-rimmed, half-moon spectacles perched on the bridge of her nose. And she was the only woman in the world bold enough to position herself as a peer to the Hikaano Gods and powerful enough to survive doing that. "And you, Joseph Ironheart, have just earned yourself a place in the Adventurer's Guild."

...Huh.

"Is this, like, a punishment in disguise?" Talia asked.

"How did you get into my house?" Dad demanded.

"Of course not," Helen said, frowning, ignoring my father. "What's he done wrong?"

"I mean I did just decapitate a man in the streets in broad daylight," I remarked.

"I asked what you've done wrong, Joseph," Helen said dryly. "I assure you, nobody is weeping for Maxwell Tenpenny. The Thieves' Guild is going to tear itself apart fighting over who gets to be the next King of Thieves, but that's as close as anyone will come to regretting his loss. Legally, what you did wasn't even murder- at worst, it was littering, because you left the rest of his body laying in the streets. I took the liberty of collecting that for you, incidentally- he had a number of valuables on his person that you're legally entitled to the right of first refusal on."

"Please don't pull that out right now, I do not want to mop blood off the floor," I pleaded

"At any rate," Helen continued, "I've heard the Mage's Guild was too shortsighted to take you, and considering your achievements so far? Their loss is my gain. So, Joseph, how would you like to join the Adventurer's Guild and receive a peerless education, travel the world, meet interesting people, and then kill them and take their stuff?"

"...Well when you put it like that, that sounds awful, and your approval fills me with shame," I said. "I didn't kill a man and take his stuff, I killed a man to take back my own stuff."

"Hm? Oh, that statue of Terpsichore- I swear, that girl was a royal pain in my ass. Wasted her potential, she did."

"I beg your pardon?" Frederick said, evenly.

"She could've kept going, and cleared out even more demon cults," Helen said. "But instead, she decided she'd rather sleep on silks and ride that stupid knight's little pony for the rest of her life."

"You know humans actually age, right?" I said. "That's why they have the concept of retirement."

"If you're healthy enough to have children, you're healthy enough to keep adventuring."

"Right, well, you're incredibly annoying and I've lost all interest in working with you," I said, pinching the bridge of my nose. "Get out of my house, please and thank you."

"Young man, you will keep a respectful tongue in your head when you address me," Helen said sternly.

"Last I checked, I wasn't your student, and you weren't my mother," I said flatly, staring down the Archmage, against whom even my own mother didn't-

Ariel Silver coughed awkwardly.

"Absolutely fucking not," Dad said, rounding on his wife. "Ariel, no. You did not use the fucking Archmage as a surrogate without me knowing."

"It's not that she's his mother..." Mom began. "...she's my mother."

I blinked a few times. Okay, sure, Mom was a natural redhead who bleached her hair blonde- I figured she just had some royal blood in her that she wanted to hide for normal reasons.

But Helen Rosewood was her mother?

That was...

What the fuck?

"...Volex, do you know Helen too?" I asked. "Y'know, while you're busy revealing you've shtupped my grandparents?"

"Never met her before now," Volex said. "Hi, nice to meet you, I'm Volex, Joseph's familiar and occultism mentor. Now, what kind of education does the Adventurer's Guild provide?"

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" I asked, turning to face Volex.

"Negotiating, now hush up and let me work," Volex said.

"There's not much negotiating to be done," Helen said. "I already employ world-class scholars to teach all of the classes he'll go through, and if there's any way to improve the quality, I'll land on it before you can even blink."

"Elaborate a little more on that, though," Volex said. "Really sell me on it."

"Small class sizes, consistent office hours, and a well-stocked library," Helen said dryly. "In four years' time, if he puts in the effort, Joseph could earn the title of Master of the Arcane Arts... or Occult Arts, if he so chooses to go down that route."

"What about practical, hands-on experience?" Volex asked. "He's a hands-on kind of guy, after all."

"I wish he'd put his hands on me," Talia said.

"If you refrain from saying anything else about how horny you are for the next hour, I will do to you what I did to Volex," I said wearily.

"...Deal," Talia said.

"There are frequent field trips throughout the school year to test your skills in real-world situations," Helen said. "They're not all going to be 'beheading the King of Thieves in the streets,' but I doubt he'll lack for opportunities to prove himself in battle."

"I'm not so sure about this," I said.

"Oh, I'm sorry, did you think a Mage-Knight just rode around on a fancy mount all day and did nothing?" Helen asked. "You're a Mage-Knight now, Joseph, and that means you're going to fight. Or do you think sitting around porking a busty bard was the only thing Artorias did?"

I simply closed my eyes, and sighed.

"Honestly? You don't have anything to offer me that I actually want," I said. "I have a tutor in the arcane, and in the occult-"

"You should've told me you were an occultist," Mom said. "I would've understood."

"-and I also have ten million dollars, which is more than enough to finance a trip to the Frontier so I can go unicorn-hunting. What else can you offer me, besides the promise that people are going to try to kill me at least once a year?"

"Well, first and foremost, this is a group offer," Helen said. "You and your friends here constitute an adventuring party, and I'm offering an education to all of you at once."

"Ooooh," Talia said.

"But aside from that... I can offer you power," Helen said simply. "Power to rewrite laws, redraw maps, to grasp the very Book of Truth in your hands and write the next chapter of our world's history in the blood of your enemies. You want to really bring back the Mage-Knights, Joseph? You're welcome to try, but without the connections and skills and experiences and resources that you can only attain through attending the University of Mount Fate, you're more likely to end up dead beneath a paladin's boot, a martyr for whatever rebellion manages to actually succeed. You want to bring back the Mage-Knights and live to see what comes next? Then come with me. Pack your bags, say your goodbyes, and bring your nascent adventuring party with you to Mount Fate before the Autumnal Equinox. I'll keep a dorm ready for you."

"...This is a big decision," I said quietly. "I don't..."

Helen produced from thin air a thick packet of papers. "Here's the orientation packet. Give that a read, and whatever answer you have for me... I'll know it when you turn up at Mount Fate this September." She handed out additional packets to Talia and Faith.

She handed me the packet, and then... softened. She was the first fullblooded elf I'd ever met who looked even the slightest hint old, with wrinkles at her eyes and mouth from the perpetual glare and scowl she seemed to wear.

"Guild business aside, Joseph..." Helen said softly. "It is good to meet you at last." Her face returned to normal, as she turned to face the woman who refused to be called her daughter. "Ariel, why am I only now meeting my grandson?"

"My last name is Silver," Ariel said flatly. "For the benefit of the human in the room, I'll remind everyone that it means I have abandoned my previous family."

"Are you still mad about Jason?" Helen asked.

"I want you to guess," Ariel said.

"Grandma, I hate to be rude, but I think maybe you should go," I said. "You've got eternity to figure out how to make it up to Mom."

"Very well," Helen said, straightening her tie. "I'll be off then. Take care."

With a snap of her fingers, she disappeared in a pulse of blue light, leaving us alone in the den... well. "Alone" was a relative term, considering how many other people were here, nearly half of whom didn't live here.

"...So who's Jason?" I asked mildly.

"Yes, who is Jason?" Dad asked.

"I don't want to talk about it," Mom said, shaking her head. "He's a dead man, and the reason I reject my mother; that's all you need to know."

"...Well, I guess we're joining the Adventurer's Guild, now?" Faith said, trying valiantly to change the subject. "That'll be interesting."

"That's one word for it," I said. "Right, well... I should probably start fixing my bike. Got it banged up pretty good out there, and it's gonna need some love taps with a machinist's hammer to get back in order. Talia, Faith, you two should... probably tell your parents about the whole Adventurer's Guild thing?"

"Probably, yeah," Talia said, nodding. "I'll be back tonight, though. We had a deal."

"That we do," I said. "That we do."