What Little Remains Of Terpsichore Ironheart

"Who... who are you?" I asked, catching my breath, before wincing.

"Volex," she said. "You've likely heard the name before, but I promise, it's pretty common among succubi. It's like being a human named Jane, or an elf named Ariel. Hang on, are you dying?"

"Not... actively," I said. "I've... got a regeneration charm." I grunted. "It's helping, but... fuck, it's slow. Can you... can you give me a minute to catch my breath?"

"I've got something to say, so how's about you just relax and listen for a minute, m'kay?" Volex said, quirking an eyebrow. "So, I am a succubus. The occult demon. A being of story and song, more purely than any bard could ever manage. And I... am fucking sick of this kind of story."

"...Beg pardon?" I asked.

"You and I both know this story," Volex said. "You want to be an Elven Mage-Knight, but here comes Volex, the vile temptress from the depths of Hell sent to corrupt you away from your ideals and steal your virginity, yadda yadda blah blah blah. It's hackneyed, it's boring, it has been done to fucking death. I have already witnessed the one interesting variation on this story, and we're not exactly in a place to recreate it, unless you've got a busty girlfriend nearby?"

"Funnily enough, I actually do," I said. "But, that's through two locked doors and three armed men, and, uh... well. I don't think I softened Tenpenny up that much."

"Huh, wouldya look at that?" Volex said, tilting her head to the side. "But, whatever, she's not here, so she can't participate. The only way that story can go now is with you crying, and honestly? I just don't feel like dealing with that today. So! How's about we try a different story, huh? C'mon. You're a smart boy, I'm sure. Tell me a story where I don't have to be the monster."

"Do I... strictly need to?" I asked. "I'm a bit of an occultist, I'll admit, but I'm mostly a wizard, so... Not really that equipped to tell you a story. Besides, you clearly don't want to rape me, so just... don't?"

"I'm a creature of stories," Volex said, shrugging. "I've got some agency, sure, but... Less so than you do. So... Again, tell me a story, here. Tell me a story where a demon of lust decides to help you against..." She frowned as she looked around at the closet. "...What even is going on, here?"

"The King of Thieves is using us for a ritual to steal my immortal lifespan," I said. "First, though, he has to metaphorically steal my future, so... that's where you come in."

"Ahhh, so you're not currently a Mage-Knight," Volex said. "I'm a little out of the loop, I gotta admit, but... I know Mage-Knights are pretty rare, these days."

"Practically extinct," I admitted, pushing myself up with my left arm- my right was still sore and stiff, and had probably been broken entirely. "The Orders are all gone, and unicorns are only occasionally spotted out on the frontier, and only sometimes with riders. We don't know if the wood elves have started being Mage-Knights too, or if they're doing something else with the unicorns, or... Hell, maybe the wood elves aren't doing anything with the unicorns. Maybe the unicorns are on their own. But... whatever a Mage-Knight is these days, my dad says I'm the closest thing we've got."

"I see," Volex said, tapping her chin. "You done regenerating yet?"

"Still a little sore, but..." I finished levering myself upright, and grunted. "I'll live. Listen, if you don't want to participate, I'll just put you back in the reliquary, and... uh... find somewhere for you to go, I don't know, but... I've got business to finish."

I reached into my pocket, pulling out the cloth containing my motorcycle, and deployed it inside the (thankfully spacious enough) closet with us. I checked it over, and...

"Oh son of a bitch, he somehow stole the fucking power crystal," I muttered. "Fuck. I don't have the juice left to power this myself..."

"Ah, so you ride a steel horse," Volex said. "I've seen a few of these, here and there. Well... What's your name?"

"Joseph," I said.

"Well, Joseph, it seems to me that you are, in fact, a Mage-Knight," Volex said, tilting her head to the side. "In fact... Mmm, yes, I think I see how this is going to play out, now. Ooooh, I like this new story- all the better that it's spontaneous. I'll forgive you for not telling me the story yourself, this time."

"What?" I asked, turning away from the empty space where the power crystal should be.

"You, Joseph, are correct: you are every inch a Mage-Knight," Volex said simply. "You just don't ride a unicorn, is all, because there aren't any unicorns to ride. Instead, you've got a steel horse, the precision and power of a wizard... and now, you've got me."

"Beg pardon?" I asked.

"A Mage-Knight's mount doesn't have to be a unicorn," Volex said. "It just has to be something intelligent, that can guide him with his chosen field of magic. And you're not just a wizard, you're an occultist, too."

"I understand that a succubus can be something a man mounts and rides, but that's usually a euphemism," I said dryly.

"Very funny," Volex said, before gesturing at her reliquary. "You need a power source? There's your power source. Stick that in your horse and ride it."

"It's not gonna be that simple," I said, even as I reached over and picked up the reliquary- I suppose she couldn't touch it herself? "For one, this is an occult artifact, and the motorcycle is powered by arcane magic. Two, this is a reliquary, not a power crystal; it's not meant to be tapped for power. Maybe if I was a properly trained occultist, I could still make this work, but..." I trailed off, turning my gaze back to Volex, in all her purple-skinned beauty. "...I'm starting to see what you're getting at, here. You want to be my partner, teaching me the secrets of occult magic, and actually getting out into the world again, rather than being passed around like a toy for the rich and powerful."

"Actually, I kinda like being treated like a toy," Volex said, her tail starting to swish behind her, a black arrowhead at its tip. "But... I think I've had enough of being passed around for a good, long while. So, yeah. I want to get back out there. And you're the one who's gonna take me. So. What do you say, partner?"

"...What're your terms?"

"You're the boss," she said, shrugging. "But I am going to need some compensation. I think an orgasm a week should be fair? Oh, plus one right now, to seal the deal."

My breath hitched in my throat.

"I know," Volex said. "You still want to ride a unicorn, someday. But Joseph... You're an occultist city elf who's never even ridden a horse. Some dreams are worth chasing, but... I think you're getting a little too caught up in the details."

"I-"

"I know, I know- your father, and his father, and his father all rode unicorns into battle," Volex continued. "But none of them were wizards named Joseph, were they? The old stories are over, partner. But you and me, together? We are going to write a new story. A story about a modern Mage-Knight who rides a steel horse, wielding the arcane and occult rather than the primal and divine. And what you get in exchange for your dreams of riding a unicorn is a succubus who accepts payment in blowjobs." She smirked a little, revealing sharp, gleaming teeth. "I think you'll get over it."

"...If I may finish a sentence?" I said.

"Go ahead," Volex said.

"If it's just an assisted orgasm you want, I can provide that," I said. "There's... Let's just say unicorns are specific about what 'virginity' really means. And there are a lot of loopholes in that definition that could still let me pleasure, and be pleasured by, a woman. A lot of things that you would probably count as sex, but which a unicorn would not."

"...So, even with the offer of a pet succubus, you're still gonna try and weasel your way out of giving up the chance to ride a unicorn?"

"What can I say, I'm an optimist. Don't like it? Suck my dick."

"Well, someone sure thinks he's clever. Fine, I can work with this. But just so you know, now I have to keep tempting you with the one kind of sex you can't have."

"Yeah, well, so will my girlfriend once she learns about this. Join the fucking club."

---

"So, what's that?" Volex asked as I called my gun back to my hands.

"...I'll tell you the full story after we get out of here," I said, climbing astride my motorcycle. "For now? Back in the bottle, doll; I need all the juice I can get." I kicked the engine back to life, and revved it up something fierce, getting it nice and warmed up. I grinned. "Hit it."

I burst through the closet's door on my motorcycle, which now had a lot more power behind it, and grinned an ugly grin as I watched Maxwell bolting for cover, arms over his head.

"Knock knock, asshole!" I yelled, before squeezing off another shot with my gun. One of the benefits of binding yourself to a magical creature was that you could, with the right techniques, borrow some of their magicka, which was why I could summon my gun back to me. Sure, the first shot I took missed, but I wasn't too worried, now; Volex said it was an occult working, that'd keep me from doing any serious harm until the natural climax of our confrontation, and then I'd start hitting a lot harder and more accurately, bringing this in for a big finish.

There was, of course, a reason why bards didn't always do this: sometimes, they'd misjudge the situation, and end up getting killed before the story could reach its climax, because everyone who wasn't an occultist was not bound by story logic.

"You son of a bitch!" Maxwell yelled, hopping on an enchanted bike of his own. "This isn't over!"

"He's getting away," Volex noted as Maxwell rode out of the room.

"He's already dead," I said. "He just doesn't know it yet, and I'm taking the opportunity to make this sporting."

"Oh?"

"I'm giving him a head start," I said dryly, before gunning the throttle, and tearing after him, down the hall, out the loading dock, and into the cobblestone streets of Redwater. I had one hand on the handlebars, and in the other, my gun.

He might be the King of Thieves... but what was a Thief to a Knight?