What Lies Beneath the Skin

Chapter Seven:

A Vein that I Keep Trying to Close

Hayden

On the eighth morning of my fourteen-day confinement, Rachel and Emily knocked on my door with wide smiles. Rachel held a tray of her finest breakfast items, and Emily had a folder and clipboard that she kept tucked under her arm to not intimidate me. “Good morning, Potato, how are we feeling today?” Emily sang, glad to see I was able to pull myself up in bed better, and was wearing a small smile.

“Can’t complain too much. If anything, I can’t wait to be free,” I replied loosely.

“If you don’t mind, we’d like to have a more, serious, talk today.” Rachel held up her breakfast tray, “Nothing too extreme, but a necessary conversation. We thought we could bribe you with some super special French toast?”

I laughed hardily and shook my head, “The point of a bribe is to not tell me it’s a bribe, but sure, that’s fine with me.”

Emily shut the door behind Rachel and allowed her a moment to make small plates for us. I thanked her repeatedly for each item she handed me, despite her telling me this wasn’t necessary. Once she served us, Emily opened the folder and pulled out a stapled set of papers. It was some kind of questionnaire sheet by the looks of it, which did make me tense up slightly, though I tried to not jump to any conclusions too quickly. “Now that we’re settled in, Rachel and I would like to work on your intake paperwork today.”

“Intake?” I demanded in a huff, my eyes widening slightly as they consumed the paperwork, “What do you mean by intake…?”

Emily held a hand up, “Sorry, that probably wasn’t the best word. It’s really just a questionnaire we use to get your case together. Since you’re allowing us to help you as a case, we do have to make sure we fill out the basics. You don’t have to answer every question if you’re not ready, but we do have to document as much of your circumstance as possible.” She handed me the packet so I could read it over first, and understand it really wasn’t some kind of mental asylum check in sheet or something, “This is entirely at your pace, Hayden, but we do ask that you try your best to answer fully. Is this something you’re comfortable with? It’s purely for keeping a track record if or when you want to file any kind of report, and establishes that you are under our protection, so we can move forward with things like your name change and residency.”

I nodded sincerely, “I think I can do that. I’ll let you know if I have a hard time.”

Emily sighed in relief before she began to scroll down something, “So, from what we’ve already gathered, your name is Hayden, you’re eighteen, and you grew up in Pennsylvania. You received our card from one of our confidants, a bus driver named Jack, that took you from Pittsburgh to here. Am I right so far?” I nodded steadily to confirm her notes.

Rachel sipped her tea casually to lighten the mood, “Can you tell us a little bit about why you came here? You said at the hospital that it was due to your stepfather?” My body went numb the instant she asked this. It was obvious that I had begun to panic, as my fork was trembling so hard that it hit the edge of my plate and caused it to make repetitive tink sounds. Rachel laid a hand on my casted one, as a way to console me, and remind me that I was safe to talk to them.

I exhaled slowly before tucking my free hand under my arm, so I was partially hugging myself. “Yeah, I’m here because of him. His name is Liam, Liam Harrington. My mom married him eight years ago, and from day one he’s been a real piece of work. He had suspicions that I was gay growing up, and grilled my mom about sending me to church camps and conversion therapy before the ‘problem got out of hand’. He always smacked me around, but it wasn’t until he caught me with my ex that things got severely bad.” I shivered violently, and bit the tip of my tongue to try and suppress some of my anxiety.

“What happened when he caught you?” Rachel asked in an even tone.

“He made me switch schools, and beat me within an inch of my life. Mom came home to me lying in a pool of blood on the basement floor… and did absolutely nothing, because she was scared Liam would do the same to her. Instead, she closed the door and left me like that for two days, until I could force myself upright, until I could crawl up the steps and beg Liam to forgive me.” I thought recounting my story would make me throw up the gorgeous breakfast Rachel brought, but instead, getting this off my chest was making my body feel lighter and lighter. Rachel and Emily listened to me so intently, so honestly, that I felt more seen that I’d been my entire life.

“Did you ever tell anyone about the abuse? Try and get help from peers, faculty at school, family… anyone?” Emily asked with slight disgust in her tone, though I knew it wasn’t at me.

I scoffed in that same tone and shrugged, “Catholic schools don’t exactly care about the gay kids. I caught social workers tossing my file in the trash, claiming I was being overdramatic and was lying for attention. They brought my mom in for one meeting, and after that, she made me promise I wouldn’t tell on Liam anymore.” I tried to brush my eyes clear, but they kept filling regardless, “I tried so hard to behave, to not out myself so I could survive. No one cared about what was happening to me, not even my ex.”

“What was his role in all of this?” Rachel prompted.

I chuckled lifelessly, not a happy sound whatsoever, but an empty one to make my body respond in any kind of way, “At first, he was everything that made the world right. He was the first to finally affirm my sexuality, to make me feel whole, complete, and true to myself. I didn’t have to squeeze my eyes shut when I kissed him, didn’t have to imagine members of boy bands to get through sexual encounters. I could enjoy being with him because I wanted to be with him. He was patient with me at first, knowing how homophobic Liam was, and tried his best to get me through high school. That all changed when he found out what Liam did to me.

Instead of being by my side, helping me find actual help, or even just being a shoulder to cry on, he blocked my number and refused to utter a single word to me. He pretended I didn’t exist in class, began to bully me even, though just a week before he was whispering how much he loved me in the middle of sex. He acted like I had died, that I was a ghost, and he was convincing himself he wasn’t psychic. When I transferred schools, he barely looked at me when Mom drove me off campus…” my voice finally betrayed me, and I simply couldn’t continue for a moment.

Rachel waited to make sure I was ok with her touching me, then offered to squeeze my shoulders and rub my back in small circles as I took the time to catch my breath. She and Emily were completely deadpan as they watched me try and collect myself, but deadpan in a way someone is when they’re swallowing unbridled anger. It was, in an odd way, extremely affirming to see someone be mad on my behalf. To see someone, two people at that, truly empathize with me for the first time in my life was an unheard-of notion in my world. It gave me the strength to continue, regardless of how much I wanted to hide under the covers until time stood still.

“When I lost River I began to believe Liam, that I deserved his harsh punishments, that I deserved to be forgotten by my mother… to die alone. I dated girls to keep him off my back, made sure that he saw me kissing them in the kitchen, but nothing ever worked. He spent most of his evenings drunkenly raiding my room for gay paraphernalia, and when he came up empty handed, still smacked me across the face for making him distrust me. Nothing I did ever truly convinced him that I’d turned a blind eye to being gay, and his punishments grew more and more violent.”

Emily wrote down what I said at lightning speed, nodding methodically to ensure she was listening, “And, what happened this time that made you leave?”

“Liam saw me talking to a guy at the local bus stop, who happened to be my age, but was just a lost tourist looking for a bookstore. He was absolutely sure that the kid and I were fucking… and spent the night cracking a hammer into each of my fingers to make me admit we were.” Both women shivered in absolute horror, but let me continue without interruption, “I never did, couldn’t admit it no matter what he did, so in the end he left me on the basement floor and locked the door. The initial fall when he threw me down the steps was what killed my ankle.”

“What happened during your time in the basement?” Rachel mumbled seriously.

“Liam refused to let me out, and was busy trying to convince my mother that she needed to get rid of me to keep the house ‘pure of sin.’ He was off from work for a few days, but the morning he was scheduled to go back, I mapped out my escape.” Tears spilled over my lash line, falling in perfect formation on my cast, “I waited for his truck to pull off, then broke the door handle with a rock I had found. I grabbed two sets of clothes, an envelope of money I saved from lawn mowing, any essential documents I had in case I needed them, and directions to the nearest bus station. I printed them months ago hoping I’d get the courage to one day utilize them, and finally grew the confidence to slide out the bathroom window.”

“How did you get to the bus station? Did anyone see you leave?” Emily continued.

I shook my head wearily, “No one was around thankfully. I took a local city bus as far as I could… then walked ten miles to Pittsburgh.”

“Oh Hayden…” Rachel whispered, moving her hand from my cast to my fingers so she could grasp what little stuck out of the cast, “Honey, you are so incredibly brave to have gotten this far. You are so resilient, and you should be unbelievably proud of yourself. We are so, so sorry you had to suffer like this…” her hand was trembling slightly as she continued to brush my hair back, so that it wasn’t in my eyes as I cried, “Thank you so, so much for opening yourself up like this. We know how hard it is, but it’s also very important that someone finally hears your story.”

As soon as she said this, a puff of absolute agony left my lungs, and I turned to her with waterfalls pouring down my cheeks. “Can I p-please have a hug…?” I whimpered in pure pain.

Without a single ounce of hesitation, both Rachel and Emily shoved their papers aside and wound their arms around me, one on each of my sides. They clasped hands so that I was encircled in nothing but their warm embrace, and that made me cry even harder. They whispered sweet nothings to help me calm down, and gave me as long as I needed to let all of my anguish out. I held onto each of their arms and let myself melt into the gesture, so grateful for it that I simply could not convey that in words.

Emily pressed her nose into my hair and sighed brokenly, “We promise you are so safe here, Hayden, safer than you will ever feel. You have been heard, my love, and heard by people who more than understand what you have been through. Please, don’t take it lightly when I say that we will do everything we can to help you heal from this.”

I managed to catch my breath finally, and hiccuped a little before using my sleeve to comb my face clean. “It means so much to me that I can finally tell someone, and that someone finally cares. I have felt so alone, so worthless… it took every ounce of energy I had left to leave.”

“Of course it did. It is perfectly normal to feel that way, especially when everyone you turned to refused to help. But now, you don’t have to worry about that ever again…” Rachel tilted my chin up so I could see how serious she was, “Our mission is to help people rebuild themselves, bigger and better than ever before. We want you to see that the world is your oyster.”

I looked down at my lap, and pulled the blanket up my body better, “I haven’t really thought about what I want to do, now that I’m… free. I never thought I’d get this far, admittedly.”

“That’s totally ok; you don’t need to have all the answers now,” Emily pinched my cheek lightly to make me giggle, “It’s perfectly fine if you need time to get your ducks in a row. Our job is to be confidants, protectors, and a safe space. We offer our safety for as long as you need it, and in the meantime, will continue to provide tools that help you reach those answers. As long as you want to stay, this room and our protection is yours to enjoy.”

“Thank you both, so, so much…” I whispered, smiling to myself wearily, “I cannot describe how at peace I feel right now, even though I’m crying like a baby.”

We all shared a good laugh; Rachel shook her head and smooshed my cheeks to make sure I kept smiling, “Cry as much as you need to, trooper. You deserve to let it out.”

╪

The following night, after Paige had left to get reservations set up for the morning, I numbly pulled myself out of bed so I could hobble to the desk. Emily brought me a gift basket with arts and craft supplies to fill some spare time, and inside was a journaling set. I fished this out and sat in the weathered chair with an audible groan, situated my ankle better, then cracked the plastic open so I could pull out the gel pens and booklet. The cover had the words, Discover Your Journey in a calming blue etched over a pale pink and white marble design. When I opened the first page, I found the journal was actually some kind of therapy-esque book, with prompts to get you to dive deeper into your psyche.

With nothing better to do, I flipped through the pages to get a grasp on the material, and paused on the section labeled, New and Improved You- Let’s make a One Year Plan! that was written in bright pink and yellow. The prompt asked you to take a sheet of construction paper and mark three timelines, a one-month plan, a six-month plan, and a one-year plan. The idea was for you to give yourself tangible goals based on the time limits, so you could develop some kind of direction in your life. I thought it was a bit corny at first, but still fished out the paper it required so I could give it a go.

For my one-month plan, I decided that I wanted to enroll in college. I wasn’t exactly sure what I wanted to major in, but I knew I wanted to do something with my life. If the Cromwells were so sure that I would be safe here, I wanted to take advantage of being able to make some choices for myself, including continuing my education. I hadn’t been a bad student by any means, and thanked my father’s genes for that. None of my family on Claire’s side beyond she and I had even graduated high school, so the idea that I could get a bachelor’s and actually make something of myself was tantalizing. I could use this opportunity to make friends, get an education, and actually build some roots that were my own. College also meant I could, potentially, live on campus should I need a backup plan beyond the Cromwells. I didn’t want to think about the possibility of being alone again, but had to be realistic, and this would be a decent plan B.

My six-month plan was to go on a date, with a man this time. I wanted to go on one single date, just to see how I would feel, and thought six months would be a good amount of time for me to sort my anxieties out and give it a go. I did leave myself an option to switch this goal with my one-year plan, but I was ambitious and somewhat excited to try and accomplish this goal before my six months were up.

My one-year plan was to file a report and press charges against Liam. I knew I should absolutely get authorities involved, for my safety above all else, but knew that right now was not the time. With the case files Jesse and the Cromwells put together for me I had the tools to do this properly, but needed time to face my own demons before shaking hands with Satan himself. At the very least, I wanted a restraining order placed against him so I would feel safer, and knew that the Cromwells would help me with this when I was ready.

In the middle of my journaling Rachel popped her head in to say goodnight, and was surprised to see me rapidly doodling at the desk. She leaned against the door frame with a soft chuckle, and nodded to my collection of brightly colored papers. “My, my, Picasso, what are you up to in here?” She teased lightly.

I popped up excitedly with a big grin and held my plans out to her, “I made some goals for myself! I thought the prompt was kind of dumb, but it’s actually helping a lot. Do you…want to read them?” I shyly asked with a slight blush.

Rachel smiled in delight and sat on the edge of the bed, “Of course! Let’s see, what is Mr. Potato going to be up to…?” She shuffled through each of the plans carefully, her eyes wide as she read them word for word. I gnawed on the collar of my shirt as I waited for her to finish, bubbling in anticipation for her reaction. “Look at you go; and here you thought you had no clue what to do! These are certainly ambitious, but very much obtainable.”

I cast my eyes away slightly in shame, “Um, well, about my first one…?”

She tilted her head curiously, “What about it? I think that’s a wonderful idea. You’re so young, and you’re right that you would establish some wonderful connections by starting school!”

“Well… starting school would cement me staying in Connecticut, at least temporarily, and I, er…” I couldn’t quite finish my thought, but she knew where I was going.

Her smile twitched a little, and she scooched forward to gently spin my chair so that our knees were touching. She set her hands on my legs and patted them encouragingly, “Remember what I told you? We are happy to have you, Hayden, especially if you’re staying to help get yourself on track. As long as you’re healing and being productive, then you have a home with us.”

“I fully intend to help with the hotel!” I exclaimed wildly, throwing my arms up like a puppet, “I just, ya know, wanted to, like, do something to further myself on the side…?”

Rachel laughed loosely and rolled her eyes, “Honey, you don’t have to help at all if you don’t want to. I offered that to you because I could tell you wouldn’t say yes unless you felt you were being useful to us; I’m that kind of person as well. If you want to help, by all means, I’m happy to accept and pay you for it, but it’s the last thing I’m concerned with. I only proposed the idea so you would feel a bit better about taking my offer.”

I gave her a lopsided smirk and shrugged, “Well, I do really wanna help. I think, between the hotel and school, I’ll have positive distractions to help me ease back into reality. I don’t want to take advantage of your kindness, either. If I’m using your room, I want to earn my keep as a long-term guest.” I turned so red abruptly that she raised an eyebrow at my expression. I was a bit embarrassed to share my real reason for wanting to stay, but figured now was better than ever, and hoped she would take the news well. “I’ve been thinking about your organization, and… I want to help you as much as I can. Your mission is really important, and one I want a hand in making a reality… if that’s something you’d consider down the line?”

“Well, the last thing I’ll say no to is an extra hand in the project. You are a very sweet young man, Hayden, and I think you mesh well here, enough that I would welcome you coming aboard on our mission. If helping makes you feel better, than I am not opposed to it, as long as you take a breather when you need it. I don’t want you to overwhelm yourself.”

“I won’t, I promise.”