Well at Least I’m a Magic Pirate Now

Sareneth 22

The monochrome procession of staggering seamen meandered to the Wormwood in a great mass, herded like sheep by a small team of unlucky sober folks. I had no intention of joining the designated chaperones, not least because they were led by a stormy faced Master Scourge. The unsteady sailors were knocked off the docks like lemmings as the group climbed onto the ship, only to be pulled out by their fellows and boosted up for another go.

I picked out my friends from the crowd. Most of the crew could stay in Goatshead as far as I was concerned, but I wasn’t about to leave my party behind. Syl was easy to pick out, partly because she was supporting a semiconscious Caulky. Conchobar was leaning in to Rosie, gesturing wildly; I couldn’t make out what they were saying over the din, but he managed to pull a drunken laugh out of her.

I picked out Jack near the back of the group, along with the unconscious bodies of the “new recruits,” and was a bit tickled to spot Rowe helping Narwhal Tate to haul a goblin onboard. It seemed that she took my recruitment pitch seriously and was already integrating with the company culture. As it turns out, goblins have darkvision; she glanced up at me and gave me a quick thumbs up.

Hmm. No Cog. I hope he didn’t get kidnapped by some kind of side quest murder cult at the brothel. If he’s not back by first light I’ll gather my team and go looking for him. There are much worse things that could happen than my party accidentally deserting. From what Rowe said, my party could probably crew some of the smaller ships here… and we could probably take one of the ships docked around here if we really tried. Or. You know. Get hired. 

I don’t want to be the one sober guy in the room, so I’ll see everyone in the morning. Sandara’s character sheet says she’s still asleep, so I’m not waking her up. Time for another night in. 

Once the mass of drunk coworkers was past me, I left my perch at the rear of the ship and scurried back to the galley. I started another evening workout with push-ups, though I added a new twist. I needed to practice splitting my focus between me and autopilot, so while I pushed my body to its meager limits I had Autopilot cast various cantrips. It was probably not good for my workout, as most of the spells I knew required Autopilot to hijack my hands and consistency is key, but it did help me get a good feel for the process of multitasking.

Alright. So autopilot only needs one hand for about a second; half the time it’s just tracing a geometric shape or pointing at something. Either hand works, too. I honestly expected more restrictions, but I’m not complaining. Then again, these are cantrips. Maybe “Armageddon: Death Rains From the Sky'' or whatever ninth level spells are called will demand an elaborate hand jive with a musical accompaniment. 

After I cooled down with some stretches, I settled in Kroop’s chair and closed my eyes. It was time to check my character sheet and see what level three had to offer. My hit points had grown nearly as much as possible for my class: five hit points out of a possible six.

I’m still made out of tissue paper with a maximum of 12 hit points, but at least I was into the double digits. 

My saving throws and skills had marginally increased, which was useful but not exciting. The only real surprise was Perform: Dance, which had jumped from zero to three.

Of course, my new Shadowboxing feat lets me substitute Dance checks for Intimidate and Acrobatics checks. Maybe whatever algorithm Levels me up is putting Dance on a pedestal because it’s a three for one deal? It’s what I’d do. 

Speaking of feats, I’d picked up a few since my last self examination. Drow nobility filled out my spell selection, shadow boxing padded my skill list, and the feat I acquired on level up served to make my summon monster 1 spell feel small and inadequate with a giant wall of text.

To summarize, I could drop two of my spell slots to summon an extraplanar being and then try to compel it to serve me for anywhere from a few minutes to a few days using a charisma check. It could be a demon, an angel, an elemental, whatever, though my Blasphemous Covenant racial ability would give me an edge if I went with demons.

Of course, from what little I knew demons were also the absolute last beings I wanted to have running around free. If I rolled a natural one while negotiating, they overpowered my spell, or they just teleported away (which I had no way of preventing right now) they were free agents.

So by the very nature of the ability I’m kidnapping people and enslaving them for an extended period, unlike summoning where I’m making them a temporary body so they don’t face any consequences whatever happens. If they die in my service, they are actually dead or at least massively inconvenienced. Am I ok with that?

Yes. 

Quiet you. I mean seriously; whatever I do with this is at least kinda sticky. Do I summon evil things that would probably be eating orphans if I didn’t shanghai them? That would clean my conscience up a bit but what if I lost control? Do I summon good creatures and apologize? Do I put a ton of effort into HR and try to make ethically sourced slave labor? I need to figure out how I’m going to leverage this now, so I don’t find myself trapped in a corner and make a dumb snap decision. 

I decided to set it aside until I could learn more. I didn’t know a damn thing about extraplanar beings in this world, in terms of power, psychology, or public perception of them. Cog or Sandara might have more information; depending on how my relationship with Peppery went she might be able to tell me something too. For now, it seemed best to move on and finish examining my sheet.

Three new spells for me, or if you count Call Planar Creature. Charm Person had come as a free bonus from my bloodline. Ghost Sound, which let me make most noises with magic, had come as a free bonus with drow nobility.

Apparently two functionally identical on-demand abilities to see magic crossed the line, so they replaced the cantrip version. The spell version of my one per day charm ability though? Just fine.

Last up was Color Spray, which I can best describe as a rainbow flashbang emitting from my palm. It could blind and stun someone my level for anywhere from 12 to 30 seconds, but if they made their will save it didn’t do a thing. It also, unfortunately, scaled horribly. The duration got shorter the higher level the target was. At level 5 or higher, it became a one turn stun. Useful if it worked, but only if my side outnumbered the enemy or I caught two people.

Melee range? Check. Devastating all or nothing effect? Check. Small aoe? Check. Me made of tissue paper? Double check. This is pepper spray, or at least that’s how I’m using it. Absolutely not worth deliberately getting into melee for, but it might save my ass if I get caught out. 

Last but not least, I could now read minds as a rakshasa bloodline power without any outward signs. It wasn’t a deep dive, but for a few minutes at a time I could have Autopilot listen in on someone’s surface level thoughts.

Hell yeah! That’s basically cheating at social interaction! Understanding is the essence of negotiation, and if the dice are in my favor I get complete honesty. I can still lie, but half the time I won’t even need to.

My party leveled up, but my Cohort party members generally just got better at whatever they were already doing. Rosie picked up Cleave, which would let her attack two people at once. Syl could use two weapons at a time, Owlbear could squeeze people into unconsciousness, and Caulky was better at dodging.

As my one spellcaster, the only other person with a proper Class in my party, Sandara had a few more bells and whistles. Interestingly enough, just about all of them made her harder to kill. Her new feat was Toughness, which gave her an extra hit point for every level, and her channeled energy had grown to 2d6 healing. I was glad to have her back, but I couldn’t help but feel salty about her spell progression compared to mine.

2nd level spells? She gets the second tier of spells at level 3? I’m supposed to be some kind of living font of arcane magic and she gets stronger spells faster than I do, on top of being tougher than me and getting actual armor? Clerics are bullshit. Even worse, one of the spells she gets is fucking invisibility! That’s badass! 

As I studied Sandara’s character sheet, it began updating in real time. Nearly a dozen updates scrolled across my vision, the text flowing by just slowly enough to be easy to read.

Sandara has completed a long rest 

Sandara’s Exhausted condition has been reduced to Fatigued

Sandara has healed 3 hit points from rest

Sandara has recovered from 1 damage to each Ability Score. 

Sandara has prayed for new daily spells

Sandara has healed 7 hit points

Sandara has healed 7 hit points 

Sandara has cast Lesser Restoration. 

Sandara is no longer fatigued

Sandara has restored 1 point of Dexterity damage. 

Sandara has cast Lesser Restoration. 

Sandara has restored 3 points of Constitution damage. 

Sandara has cast Lesser Restoration. 

Sandara has restored 1 point of Dexterity damage. 

Right. Of course she’d heal herself once she got her magic back. 

I continued my planned itinerary by pulling out my unidentified magic items and trying once more to study them. No dice on the Beguiling bangles or Boots of Authority. (Secret Spellcraft check DC 20: 6+9=15)(Secret Spellcraft check DC 20: 4+9=13) I’ve noticed that the numbers on my bluff and intimidate checks seem a bit inflated, so my working theory was that they were passive skill boosters, but if they had any other effects I wanted to know about them.

Thankfully I got an easy win with the Amulet of the Open Book. It was known in this world as an Medallion of Thoughts, and let the user hear other peoples thoughts by actively focusing. Obviously it was useful for knowing what those thoughts were, but it also let you know that someone was present in general. Price: 12,000gp (Secret Spellcraft 1+9= Critical Failure, misidentification)

Of course, that’s not actually very useful to me now is it? I already have a necklace and I think it’s pumping my best skill into the stratosphere. I just got the ability to read minds as an innate power. Maybe I can sell it? That’s ship money. Like, a ship sized for my party, an engine, and some gold left over for supplies. 

While I mulled that over, Sandara in the door to the galley, twisting out of the way of the escaping goats. Thankfully, a sleepy eyed Owlbear was right behind her and intercepted the horned hooligans before they could scatter. Of course, Sandara wasn’t overly concerned with the goats either way.

“Food, now.” She demanded. “I’m starving, and I want some answers.”

She stood tall and confident, if a bit bedraggled. I knew from her character sheet that she was still recovering, but she masked it well. She seemed a bit more eager to lean on the table than she had in the past, but managed to make it look cocky. (Opposed Sense motive with insider information 13+1+20=34)

“First, you sit down.” I ordered, snapping my fingers and pointing at the chair. “However you posture, you are still in recovery.” (Perform (Dance)/Intimidate check 2+10+5=17. Success, Sandara is Impressed for 1 round)

Her eyes widened for a moment, then sparkled with mischief. She hoisted herself onto the table with her ankles crossed. The result was a pose that put her legs on display, while her upper body twisted slightly to face me. The shirt she was wearing, probably owned by the modestly proportioned Caulky, was stretched tight over Sandara’s bust. There was no way she didn’t know how she looked.

On a roll of 2? Thank you shadow boxing.

Owlbear, being both less cheeky and less awake, took the offered chair and started dozing.

“Alright, sir.” She said with a smirk. “Now make me breakfast. I wasn’t kidding.”

I shrugged, tied my hair up in a simple bun, and started in on some scrambled eggs. Kroop treated them as a supplement when provisioning, so I could grab one here and there as long as I didn’t waste them. More importantly, they’d be done quickly. (Profession (Cook) 16+5=21)

“So, answers?” I asked casually while my body cooked. “What are the questions?”

“What in the nine hells happened, for one?” She asked, “I was in a training exercise, then I was half naked on a cold table and felt like shit.”

“Scourge got you good with his ax.” I answered in a neutral tone. “You bled out. We detoured to Goatshead to resurrect you, I found someone who could do the job, and Scourge went into debt so he wouldn’t get keelhauled.”

“Lucky me.” She said thoughtfully. “Damn. I’d have liked to remember some of it. Being dead is a big deal.”

“You don’t remember anything?” I asked, “all just a big blank space?”

“I think I was moving really quickly for a while?” She said, “but nothing concrete.”

“Well that seems like a waste.” I joked, “you’d think dying would at least make for a decent story.”

“Yeah,” she replied, “I don’t see what all the fuss is about, probably won’t be doing it again anytime soon. Definitely wouldn’t recommend it.”

I plated the eggs and presented them to her with a flourish. 

“I’m afraid you woke up around midnight.” I informed Sandara, “I don’t imagine you want to volunteer for a shift with the night crew, so how about you keep me company instead?”

She stopped scarfing down eggs just long enough to nod, but pushed my hand away when I tried to cast Keep Watch. I could have probably pierced the clumsy deflection, but her preference seemed fairly clear.

“You can’t cast spells when that’s active, right?” She asked, which I confirmed with a nod.

She stood up from her half eaten plate, grabbed one of my water bottles, and inexplicably filled it from the bucket of now dirty water Kroop and I used to clean the dishes. She chanted over it for a moment, invoking her goddess to perform the minor miracle of turning three pints of water into rum. (Spellcraft 13+8=21 Success!) She immediately took a swig, then offered me the bottle.

I accepted and tried the transubstantiated rum; it was mediocre. I’d certainly had worse alcohol in my life, but it was neither notably good nor memorably bad. I could see why clerics didn’t sell alcohol to make ends meet.

“So, I’ve been thinking,” I opened after blessing us both with Keep Watch, “you’re a cleric, right?”

“Sweet of you to notice.” She said with a roll of her eyes, “I also have brown eyes, though I understand if you hadn’t noticed.”

I snapped my eyes back to hers, but I’d only been glancing and she knew it.

“My point is, could you tell me about Besmara?” I continued, “I’m not a religious guy, but I’ve recently started a new career that’s a hell of a lot more dangerous. I was thinking I might try shopping around for gods.”

More importantly, I’d like to get to know you better. Of course, that’s half of all conversations anyone has with anyone they find attractive. 

“Besmara? She’s the goddess of pirates, greed, battle, and storms.” Sandara explained, “What about her did you want to know?”

“Let’s start with the basics.” I suggested, “How do I avoid pissing her off, and how do I get on her good side?”

“Win and don’t be an idiot.” She answered. “Besmara takes what she wants, and does what works. She expects us to do the same. Pride, honor, fair play, even vengeance? They all just get in the way of getting what we want.”

“What, so you just go out, fight everyone, and use every dirty trick to win?” I asked, “steal everything that isn’t nailed down and hoard it like a dragon?”

“Kinda, but no, not everyone.” Sandara cautioned, “You’ve got to be smart about it. You don’t pick fights you can’t win, or ones where you have nothing to gain. You don’t betray your captain or your crew, especially at sea. You don’t take something if you can’t keep it. That kind of thing?”

“So… the goddess of pragmatism?” I asked.

“If you’re the most boring follower ever, yeah,” Sandara agreed, “but Besmara loves the drama. The struggle, the growth. She likes seeing the little guy go all in and become the big guy by using every tool they have. It’s what she did to become a goddess. Obviously not everyone can manage it, but why not try?”

I can certainly see the appeal. It sounds kinda liberating to just take what you want, but live by the sword and all that. Then again, I get the impression Sandara knows that. It’s not about taking the things you want, it’s about successfully getting them and keeping them. 

“So… what do you want?” I asked, “if you follow Besmara and that’s all about taking what you want, what do you want?”

“You’ll be disappointed if you’re expecting big overarching life goals,” Sandara answered with a smile. “I just want to have fun. So I guess I’m trying to get enough coin to keep myself occupied until I bite off more than I can chew. I could say some shit about becoming Hurricane Queen or something, but who wants to go into politics? I don’t need power over others, I just want to do whatever the fuck I want. How about you, mister curious?”

I took a moment to gather my thoughts. For the last few weeks, I’d basically been living like Sandara suggested. Having fun dicking around, doing missions mostly to gamify my life, and amassing power for its own sake. Even with the rollercoaster that came with Sandara’s death, I’d honestly loved most of my time on the Wormwood.

“I guess…” I began, still in the process of ordering my thoughts, “I want to try new things. Before I woke up on this ship, I spent most of my life doing stuff because my family said so and squeezing in things I wanted for myself wherever I could. Sure I’m basically a slave, but I have free time to do whatever I want, a lenient boss, and I keep meeting cool people. I don’t think I want to go back to where I was before.”

I looked down, feeling guilty. I hadn’t realized until I said it, but I wasn’t homesick. I missed my parents a little, I felt a bit cheated out of going to college and ending up in a whole new world, and I’d have been happy to see any of my old friends. None of that translated into me wanting to return. Technically my choices were heavily limited and I was being led around by the nose with missions, but I still felt like everything was my choice.

“That sounds like as good a plan as any.” Sandara said, bringing me back to the moment. “Better shape up then. The tougher you are, the more things you can do. After all, the only thing that can stop you is someone tough enough making you stop.”

“Oh, is that a Besmaran saying or something?” I asked, amused.

“Nah. That’s just how things work in the Shackles.” She explained, “Anyone can do just about anything unless someone cares enough to make them stop.”

She leaned back on the heels of her hands, back arched slightly to present her chest.

“So I can do whatever I want as long as no one stops me,” I ventured, taking in the artful display before me.

“Pretty much.” She confirmed, “That’s how it works everywhere really, but most places have all sorts of systems to clog things up. Stop ambition from going wild.”

“Then stop me if you have a problem.” I said before leaning in and kissing her on the lips.

(You have gained a point of influence with Sandara for Audacity.)

••••••••••

Call Planar Creature

You may call beings from other planes and bring them into your own. Calling a creature in this manner takes 10 minutes of focused casting and costs 2 of your highest level spell slots. 

To call a target, you must choose a location within close range for them to appear, and the kind of creature to be called must be known and stated. If you wish to call a specific individual, you must use that individual’s proper name. You may summon up to three creatures with multiple uses of this ability, but the hit dice of any one creature can not exceed your caster level or 3x the level of the spell slot expended. 

If a hostile creature is unwilling to be called, it is allowed a Will saving throw to resist. If the saving throw succeeds, the creature is not called. If the saving throw fails, the creature is immediately called.

When a hostile creature is called, it is rooted to a specific location within range (you can decide how much space to give it, up to a 30-foot radius). It cannot leave this area until an agreement with you has been reached. 

It can escape this location by successfully pitting its spell resistance against your power, by teleportation or dimensional travel, or with a successful opposed charisma check. It can try each method once per day. If it breaks loose, it can do as it pleases, including fleeing, returning to its home plane, or attacking you.

If the creature does not break free of its prison, you can keep it bound for as long as you dare. You can attempt to compel the creature to perform a service by describing the service and perhaps offering some sort of reward, then making an opposed charisma check. The check is assigned a bonus of +0 to +6 based on the nature of the service and the reward. If the creature wins the opposed check, it refuses service and can not be compelled for 24 hours. If you ever roll a natural 1 on the Charisma check, the creature breaks free of the spell’s effect and can escape or attack you.

Once the requested service is completed, the creature need only to inform you to be instantly sent back whence it came. If you assign some open-ended task that the creature cannot complete through its own actions, the effect remains for a maximum of 1 day per caster level, and the creature gains an immediate chance to break free (with the same chance to resist as when it was trapped).