LIGHTNOVELONLINE Energy to Matter
It's all a bunch of lightning bolts. Big bolts piercing my head. I lay down in bed & my thoughts race & race & race, all a thunderstorm, all pure energy. Then it weighs down on me and yes, I can feel it happening.
All energy is matter, all matter is energy, and it can convert from one form to another. The caged thoughts have so far avoided colliding with each other in the wrong way, but now… too many of them, they can't avoid such things.
Thoughts don't have much mass, but there's so many, so many, and now they're all clumping together into balls of matter and clattering against the front of my skull. I NEED to roll onto my back, maybe my side, as long as I'm not laying on my stomach because then the thought rocks will keep hitting the front and there’s the explosion in my eyes, there’s the fireworks blooming with each hit on the optic nerve. The thoughts were transcendent, but now they’re cruel stone.
Where does all this energy even come from? The supply? Yes, there was the lightning strike, but– oh, I guess it wasn’t just one lightning strike, was it? There were many, one after the other, but it got so hard to keep track that I started seeing them all as one. What does it matter if it’s the 5th or the 100th strike? It’s all just electrocution. It’s all a constant, CONSTANT shock to the system.
I was trying to sleep, but clearly that’s not possible now. It took till 2 AM to even consider that maybe my body needs rest, because it felt so stupid. So trivial to ‘rest’ when I could be doing anything & everything, anything & everything! I’m going to dig & dig & dig & dig. I’ll take a shovel to my head and get the thoughts out so I can make things with them, throw them at everyone whether they like it or not.
The world is doing the same to me, after all. I can nearly see someone when I go outside. I see the eyes of someone behind the sky, folding it back to take a peek at the world down below. That ‘someone’ IS the world, that’s the world & it cut an incision on its stomach & it is now looking into it, we’re stuck in its fucking stomach & the world struck my brain with lightning. And NOW it’s throwing every tiny bit of detail of every tiny bit of sound, light, touch into my eyes & ears & skin. It’s cramming EVERY GRAIN into EVERY PORE & EVERY SINGLE NERVE. All amplified, I’m capturing EVERYTHING & it’s all– I can’t stop, I can’t truly close my eyes because something will penetrate the eyelids anyway & it’ll be so bright, so bright! Each sound so loud & layered, I can feel what part of my eardrum got hit by each wave. Each touch digging tunnels through my fat & muscle, building roads to deliver the nerve signals to the brain. AND YET, I can’t touch anyone!
No! No, of course I can feel the touch of the air, even when it’s still. The touch of my pillow & the bedsheet & bit of exposed mattress & every little bit of dust & lint, it’s all there & it’s all amplified. They touch me, maybe I touch them, THINGS can touch me & I can touch THINGS. THINGS. But let’s say I wanted to melt into someone! Say I wanted to feel someone’s steady breathing. Gentle heartbeat, gentle warmth. Say I wanted someone near me like that, so they could help me calm down. BUT THAT CAN’T HAPPEN BECAUSE I GOT ELECTROCUTED. So the current would just shock them to death & then we’d have bigger problems. I’m not sure if I should even get near other people at this point, even the air feels electric– see! Look! The darkness is so bright, the darkness is so bright! You can’t see it but I can, and maybe the brightness is the electricity! Maybe, maybe, maybe! But it could also just be the tiniest bit of light which managed to get in through the microscopic holes of that curtain (cities are always awake, I’m one with the city), and my eyes & brain can GATHER & PROCESS EACH AND EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM.
Do you think the electricity in the air (or whatever it is WHATEVER IT IS) will turn into matter as well? And by ‘you’, I mean me. There is not a single soul around me right now, because I am not around anyone. Even in a crowd I am not ‘around’ anyone. I’m not around, I’m just not around. It’s like fireflies, they’re so beautiful. But then ‘fireflies’ sounds so trivial, right? Because whatever-this-is (NAMELESS! UNNAMEABLE!) is so beyond the biological processes of a firefly, the biological process of an anything. And, and, and the beauty is so much greater too. Just… my god, the colours, it’s like I generated new cones in my eyes but no I didn’t, these are colours I’ve seen a million times before but now I see them, I SEE them. The sound BANG BANG BANGS against my head & the electricity is melodious & just about everything, ANYTHING with any sort of motion is melodious because all motion involves time & all melodies involve time & it’s all a bunch of beautiful, beautiful melodies.
It’s okay, okay, it’s okay though. Those colours & sounds will turn to matter, too. They’re just photons & vibrations in the air, after all. They’re life-changing photons & life-changing vibrations & these are life-changing thoughts, but that’s all there is. They’re not substantive. I can’t hold them. I can’t touch them. I can’t touch you. I can’t touch anyone.
It’s okay, it’s okay. The electricity in my head is still turning into matter. Same goes for the electricity in the air. It’s all turning solid. Or liquid? I can’t tell the difference. All I know is that it will crush me. And being crushed… well, it’s a little similar to being held, right?
I think I can accept it. Let that thought turn into rocks as well. Many, many, many thoughts. They all just hasten the process. Let it be hastened, let it be hastened. I don’t see the world peering into its stomach right now but I think it wants it. I don’t know why. I can find out why. No I can’t. I know everything & I know nothing. I can accept my knowledge & drive & ignorance being turned to rocks. It’s all I have. Crushing weight is loving. The world is loving. The world is loving. The world is loving. The world is loving. The world is loving.