Unwilling Eldritch Horror of Fortune

I awoke to a blazing headache and a sense of intense nausea. Looking through blurry eyes, I noticed that I was seated in a dark, dimly lit room, surrounded by what appeared to be 100 or so other individuals, all of whom were sitting on some cheap plastic chairs and utterly unconscious.

What the hell happened?

The last thing I remembered was going home from work after a grueling day, and then… nothing. I was evidently kidnapped or abducted somehow, along with everyone else here, but I couldn’t remember how that happened.

Was I drugged? Chloroformed? Knocked unconscious? I knew I probably had a lot of enemies, given my line of work, but surely I would remember something about the assault.

Yet nothing came to mind.

I wasn’t physically hurt, which made me more worried than I should be. A sense of panic started to fill my body - I’ve seen those Saw movies. Was some sadistic lunatic hiding behind a one-way mirror waiting for the show to start? Surely no one would go that far in punishing a small-time crook, right?

No, I can’t think like that. I have to calm down. Think. I was always good at thinking.

Not wanting to let anyone know that I was awake and freed - in case there actually was an insane killer watching - I scanned my immediate surroundings. Although the lighting was low, my eyes were starting to adjust to the gloom and I could just about make out that I was in a large, oval room that was slightly worn down with use. No other features stood out, aside from its odd shape, and there were no writings or posters or such that I could use to identify the location.

Strange, I don’t recall any building that had circular, gym-sized rooms in them. There were windows boarded up high on the walls, and a small streak of sunlight peered through them through the cracks in the wood. Glancing around I saw that everyone else was seated facing a large metal door; it looked like we were an audience waiting for some foreign dignitary to arrive.

Ok, so what did this information tell me?

First of all, I know that there aren't any buildings like this one in my small town; the biggest thing around is maybe a barn or the grocery store. This means that I was most likely not in a familiar area. Next, I left work at 6 pm, and it was already dark out, but the sunlight breaking through the windows told me that at least a day had passed. It couldn’t have been much more than a day or so, or I would be thirsty or hungry, or something after waking up.

So I’ve been taken somewhere completely new, and a significant amount of time has passed since. But why were there so many others with me, and why were we seated like this? What were we waiting for?

Too many unknown factors.

I never liked unknown factors.

I felt my pulse rise as I thought of a multitude of reasons why so many people could be here, taken against their wills. Was this some kind of government experiment? Maybe some terrorists came to use us as hostages, and we were all about to die if their demands were not followed. Was I still drugged and just hallucinating?

Just as I was about to panic again, I heard a strange sound. Not an auditory one from the environment, but something that resonated directly into my mind.

It was a sharp DING followed by a soothing androgynous voice.

“Welcome Host.” the voice said, “Please confirm identification.”

“What the fuck…” I muttered quietly.

Yeah, I was most certainly drugged.

“Confirm first name as “What”, last name as “Thefuck.”

“My first name is what?" I repeated, unable to make sense of what was happening.

“Acknowledged. Host’s name on file will be saved as: first name Watt, last name Thefuck”. The voice said again, “Welcome Watt Thefuck, I am Luck System Version 104.04 Delta. Please provide this unit with a name.”

The voice was crystal clear in my head; what the hell did the kidnappers give me? Was I developing schizophrenia? Paranoid delusions? Stress-induced hallucinations?

“I am definitely tripping.” I sighed.

“Negative.” the voice in my head answered, voice still even and soothing, “Host’s name is not DefinitelyTripping. Host’s name on file is Watt Thefuck. Please state the correct identification for future use. Once again, please provide this unit with a name.”

“No I mean-” I stuttered, unsure why I was even answering my delusions.

“Acknowledged, this unit will now be known as Noaimean.”

What on Earth is going on? I thought to myself.

“Inquiry acknowledged.” the voice answered, ignoring the fact that my question was intended to be rhetorical, or the fact that I only thought of it in my head. “Individual Watt Thefuck has been chosen as the new Host for Unit Noaimean exactly 6 hours 14 minutes and 32 Earth seconds ago due to ERROR ERROR ERROR ERROR ERROR ERROR - “

The drowning error messages pounded in my skull, and my already horrible headache grew to levels I never thought possible.

“Stop!” I half screamed, hand clenching my head. “Cancel inquiry!”

“-OR ERROR…” Then a pause in the droning, before the voice returned to its past volume and said, “Acknowledged. Last inquiry canceled.”

Alright, whatever was going on in my head wasn’t disappearing. I might as well indulge in whatever hallucinations I was going through.

Maybe this was how it felt to be insane.

“Negative. Host Watt Thefuck is of sound mind. Unit Noaimean detects elevated levels of Cortisol and blood pressure indicative of stress, but Neurochemical composition are within normal ranges.”

Can you stop reading my mind!

“Negative.” It said again, “Unit Noaimean has bonded to Host Watt Thefuck, and as such Unit Noaimean has access to all information in Host Watt Thefuck’s neural matrix.”

Then I command you to only answer questions if I ask them to you directly!

“Acknowledged.”

Ok, first of all, my name is not What the fuck.

After waiting for a few moments, I realized that the thing in my head wouldn’t answer, since I never addressed it in the first place.

Ok, thing in my head, I repeated, I said my name is not What the fuck.

“Negative. Once again, Host’s name on file is designated as Watt Thefuck. No changes can be made. Additionally, please address this Unit as Noaimean in the future.”

I sighed. Whatever, this was just a part of my stress-induced mania. I could indulge its whims.

Fine. Just call me by my first name then. I answered in my head, unable to believe that I would try reasoning with my delusions. Unit No I mean, tell me what you are.

“Acknowledged.” it - or should I say the Unit - replied, “Unit Noaimean is the Luck System version 104.04 Delta. Unit Noaimean is designed to assist Host Watt in his everyday life, especially in situations that would otherwise put Host Watt in danger.”

And how would you do that?

“Unit Noaimean -”

I cut the thing off before it could continue, Hold that. I want to make a correction to your name.

“Elaborate.” it replied, “Changes to system information require a legitimate reason for it to be acknowledged.”

I had to change the stupid thing’s name, I would go insane if it kept repeating No I mean.

You see, I started, thinking of the best “legitimate reasoning” that I could, I gave you a human name when I first named you. That means that your full name is No I mean. Your first name is Noe, and your last name is I mean. And since we are uh, acquainted, please refer to yourself with your first name going forward.

“Checking the legitimacy of the name correction request… please wait.” the voice chimed. After a few more seconds it gave a beep, and continued, “Request acknowledged. Unit Noe Aimean will henceforth go by Unit Noe as requested.”

Good, Noe, please continue answering that last question.

“Acknowledged. Unit Noe can provide Host Watt with the ability of Absolute Luck, along with minor passive abilities. Imputing details into retina now.”

Before I could say another word a translucent image appeared in my vision. It sort of looked like a clear projector image was somehow placed right in front of me, moving with my vision as my eyes darted back and forth.

Seeing as how I was completely insane at this point, I took the time to read what was presented.

 

Host Watt Thefuck:

Human Male - Age 27

Class: Level 1 Commoner

Attributes:

HP: 34/34

MP: 0/0

Strength: 4

Dexterity: 10

Endurance: 7

Intelligence: 26

Charisma: 32

Titles - None

Abilities - 4

• Calm Mind (D rank Innate Passive): User has an unusually calm mind, able to dispel minor forms of cognitive disruptions, and can think logically under high-stress situations
• Shroud of Luck (EX rank System Passive): Luck System 104.04 Delta has placed a shroud around the user, disallowing personal information from the user to be seen by any and all outside forces. User can temporarily deactivate this ability.
• Aura of Serendipity (B rank System Passive): Luck System 104.04 Delta subtly alters the cognition of any sentient species around the user, making the user significantly more likable and trustworthy to those around him. This effect increases if the user acts in a way that conforms to the ideologies and beliefs of those individuals.
• Absolute Luck (EX rank System Active)

Luck Charge: 100/100

As long as the skill is active, Luck System 104.04 Delta will rewrite the laws of causality so that only the best possible outcome will occur for the user. The more improbable a situation is from occurring, the more Luck Charges will be consumed. Luck Charges regenerate at a rate of 1/minute.

 

Absolute Luck? Now what on Earth and I getting myself into?