To Own The Libs

 

I hummed to myself as I scrolled through the document displayed on my laptop screen: no mistakes that I could see. I ran the paper through spell check again, and then re-read the four pages one last time. Still no mistakes. I smiled happily to myself: this was my last piece of schoolwork for the year, and the social studies essay would be sure to get me a good grade. Just as planned.

I’d read lots of feminist theory to write the paper, and I had to admit I’d been a bit surprised to find that most of it was quite reasonable, actually: there were some parts I didn’t agree with, but many others – like the need for intersectionality in addressing gender-related inequalities – seemed like common sense. I didn’t know why I hadn’t realised it before.

Ah well. That was one thing done, and I could focus on my other research. My secret research. My master plan. To prove that many “trans people” are actually cis, and are just pretending. I was in a good place regarding that: I’d made several queer friends, and was slowly gathering material, mostly based on my experience as an actual cis person pretending to be trans, so I could get to writing an exposé as soon as my ruse was complete. I wondered what I should title the article? Maybe ‘I have earned the queers’ trust: they still don’t realise I’m cishet.’

No, that was probably a bit too much on the nose.

But never mind that for the moment, I still had lots of time to think about it. For the moment, I had to get going, or I would be late for the movie night.

I closed up my laptop, grabbed my coat, phone, wallet, and keys – especially my keys – and glanced at Joe: as was his usual, he was lying on his bed, this time apparently watching a video on his cellphone, earphones plugged firmly in his ears. When he noticed I was looking at me he returned the stare for a few moments, but then focused his attention on the screen again.

I turned around and left the dorm room, closing the door behind me.

Joe and I had exchanged exactly zero words since I’d left the party at the Theta Omega Tau frat house, one week earlier; the cold war between us had returned, this time in full force, almost a nuclear winter. We did not speak to each other. At all. Not even a “hi” or “good evening” or “bye.”

But I didn’t mind one bit. After all, like the first time, it was entirely Joe’s fault, so I saw no reason why I should offer him an olive branch. We were room-mates, yes, but I didn’t need him as a friend; I had several others I could rely on: everyone I knew from the GSA, for one.

I felt a pang of guilt, thinking about them.

Were we really friends? I mean, they seemed to think of me as one. I, on the other hand, was using them for my own ends. What was I even doing? They all seemed like cool people, and here I was, deceiving them.

For the first time since I’d begun my ruse, I started to have doubts. Was I in too deep? It had been a month since I’d first come out to Anna: I couldn’t well say, “Hey y’all, I’m not actually trans, you know. I was just pretending, ha ha! But I would still like to be friends with you, if you don’t mind?”

My life would probably end, right then and there. My social life, at the very least.

Well, that was one more reason to keep pretending. Besides gathering material, at least. To have some friends here at college. Someone I could talk to.

…I still felt guilty about it, though.

But it was best not to think about it for the moment: I’d followed Nora’s directions – she’d sent me the address via text – and I’d reached Vicky’s place. I looked at it: a normal, two-storey house, in a residential neighbourhood just off-campus. Which wasn’t unusual; Bradford McKinley had been growing recently, admitting more and more students, and they couldn’t all fit in the dorms or frat houses, so many of them decided to rent a house nearby.

I took a deep breath. Okay, Lily. Stop overthinking things.

Game face.

I walked up the stone-paved path and rang the bell; the door opened almost immediately, revealing Vicky, standing there. Her face was carefully made up, and she was wearing her usual dress – come to think of it, I’d never seen her wearing anything other than a dress or skirt. Weird. I wondered why that was: after all, girls can wear pants, too. Nora and Anna sure did.

“Hi, Lily,” Vicky said with a smile, and drew me into a brief hug, which I reciprocated. “Nora told me you were coming. You’re a bit early, the others aren’t here yet, but come in.”

I followed her inside the house and into a living room, where two couches and an armchair had been arranged in a semicircle in front of a wide-screen TV which was showing a quiz show; there were two girls there, whom I recognised from the GSA meetings, and they waved when they saw me.

“Lily, these are Mel and Katie, my housemates,” Vicky introduced them. “Girls, this is Lily.”

“Hi Lily,” one of them said. “I’m Melanie, nice to meet you.”

“Katie,” the other added. “Hi.”

“Hello,” I replied, with a smile: no matter how many times it happened, it still gave me a nice, happy feeling when someone I’d never spoken to before accepted me being a girl at face value, despite my actual face being a man’s.

They still don’t realise I’m cishet.

“Make yourself comfortable, I’ll go get some snacks,” Vicky said, walking off towards where I supposed the kitchen was; I plopped down on one of the couches, and silently started watching the show along with Katie and Mel.

Vicky was back in short order, and she set down a bowl and a tray on a small table in front of the TV, within easy reach of the couches: it had lots of stuff on it – salty and sweet snacks, various types of soda, and even some beer. “Do you have any allergies?” she asked me.

“No, none,” I replied, shaking my head.

She nodded. “Good, then we don’t need to be careful. Oh, that should be the others,” she added, when the doorbell rang, and she walked over to the door. “Hi girls! And Elanor! Welcome,” she said once she’d opened it.

“Hi, Vicky,” Elanor said. “And hi, y’all. Thanks for inviting us over.”

I turned around so I could look at the door, and gave Anna, Nora, and Elanor a wave as they filed into the house.

“You look very nice,” Anna complimented Vicky. “You always have a good fashion sense.”

“That she does,” Melanie said. “She’s always wearing really nice dresses.”

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen her wear, like, a tracksuit,” Katie added. “Girl, you can have a slob day once in a while.”

“No, I can’t,” Vicky replied, closing the door.

Her voice had been surprisingly harsh, and my eyebrows rose in surprise. I looked at her, puzzled: if I’d learned one thing over the past few weeks, it was that being trans wasn’t about clothes. Why was Vicky behaving like this?

Probably against my better judgement, I decided to press the question.

“Why?” I asked. “After all, it’s not like you need to wear a skirt to be a girl.”

Vicky stopped, her hand on the door handle, and turned to look at me; we locked eyes for a moment, and I could sense her hesitation, as if she was debating something with herself.

Then she sighed.

“It’s that… You know,” she said. “I told you how I wasn’t a good person before… Before. Right?”

I nodded; I recalled her mentioning it the first time we’d met, at the GSA.

Vicky nodded back. “This dress?” she continued, motioning down at herself and at the clothes she was wearing. “It’s something he would never have worn, not to save his life. It’s a clean break. It’s armour.” She paused, and looked off to the side. “It means I’m no longer him,” she finished, in a whisper.

There was a moment of silence in the room, then Nora stepped forward and clamped Vicky in a tight hug.

“Nora, what…?” Vicky protested, clearly startled, and tried to squirm out of Nora’s grip.

“Shh,” Nora soothed her. “You looked like you needed a hug right now, so just relax and let it happen.”

Vicky stopped struggling, and after a few moments she wrapped her arms around Nora, reciprocating the hug. “Thank you,” she said; I could see she was smiling.

“Any time,” Nora said; after a few moments she broke the embrace, and said, “So what do you say we stop thinking about bad memories, and watch a movie?”

“Yeah, let’s do that,” Vicky replied.

She, Nora, Elanor, and Anna moved over to the couches; it took a bit of finagling, but in the end we managed to fit everyone on there, sitting somewhat comfortably.

“So, whose turn was it to pick tonight’s movie again?” Nora asked.

“Mine, actually,” Vicky replied. “I have it right here.”

She grabbed a Blu-ray case off the table, and held it up so we could see the title of the movie.

“The Matrix,” I read. “Huh. Never seen it before.”

“Seriously?” Anna said. “You don’t know The Matrix?”

“I know of it,” I answered. “But I’ve never seen it. It always seemed to me like it was, you know… A dumb action movie. Not really what I would pick.”

Vicky and Elanor smirked, and exchanged a knowing glance. “Oh, I think you’ll be surprised,” Elanor said. “This movie has an effect on some people.”

I raised an eyebrow at them. “’An effect,’” I repeated, and they nodded. “Huh. Okay then.”

“So what about it?” Vicky asked. “Anyone using a veto, or should we go ahead?”

Nora turned to me and explained, “It’s possible that someone really doesn’t like a movie, for whatever reason, so we’ve agreed that anyone can veto the choice if they want. We always pick a backup movie, just in case.”

I nodded.

“I see there are no objections, so let’s get movie night officially started!” Vicky said; she got up from the couch, popped the disc in the player, and sat back down.

The Matrix, huh, I thought, as the movie started playing. I wonder what it will be like.

-----

“Whoa,” I whispered, two hours and change later, as the credits started rolling. “That was…”

Nora turned to me and smiled. “Did you like it? Come on, I really want to hear your thoughts.”

I looked around, and saw that everyone was looking at me. “I take it you’d all seen it before?” I asked; there were nods all around. “Okay. So, first of all: it was a very good movie, I really enjoyed it.”

Elanor leaned back into the couch and smiled widely. “And what was your favourite part?”

“Well, the action was absolutely fantastic,” I said. “It was probably very innovative back in… When did this come out again?”

“1999, I think it was,” Anna replied.

“Yeah, 1999,” Vicky said.

“Right,” I nodded. “But what stood out the most was just how… relatable this movie was. It was like it was looking deep into my soul.”

Mel lifted an eyebrow. “Do tell.”

“I mean… It’s the whole thing about feeling that someone is controlling your life, that somehow you’re just playing a part, without even knowing it,” I continued. “It’s like that thing Morpheus says when he meets with Neo. ‘It’s why you lie awake at night, as if there’s a splinter in your mind.’ Stuff like that.” I sighed. “I dunno, maybe that doesn’t make sense.”

“Oh, it makes perfect sense, Lily,” Vicky said.

Elanor nodded. “It does,” they agreed. “I honestly feel the same way about this movie, as do a whole lot of people.”

“Right,” Vicky nodded. “There are some people who really get this movie, and you’re one of them, my girl.”

I blushed a bit at her words. But still, I wondered: “Who do you mean by ‘some people?’” I asked.

“Well, this movie was made by two trans women,” Nora said.

I blinked. “It was?”

“Yup,” Katie confirmed. “And they’ve spoken about how they put lots of their experiences into it while they were writing it.”

“Huh,” I said. It was strange: I’d been really taken by the movie, and now they were basically telling me it was a mirror for trans experiences. So perhaps cis and trans people had more in common than I first thought.

“They made some sequels to this movie, right?” I asked. “Maybe next time we can watch them, and see how they compare.”

“Oh, the sequels are no good,” Anna said dismissively.

“What!” Katie exclaimed. “The sequels are fantastic! The action is even better, for one.”

“Yeah, but they don’t go as deep into the metaphysical, like the first one,” Anna said, looking around.

“They absolutely do,” Elanor said.

“They do not,” Anna insisted.

Elanor looked at her for a moment, and then huffed. “You’re lucky you’re hot, otherwise I might just break up with you because of this take.”

“You know you love me,” Anna said, and leaned over and pecked Elanor on the lips.

“Oh, get a room you two,” Katie said, grabbing a handful of popcorn and tossing it at the two.

“Hey! Quit that!” Elanor said with a laugh, picking up a cushion and tossing it at Katie… missing completely, and beaning Nora right in the face.

Nora grinned. “Now you’ve done it,” she said.

A few minutes later, the battle was over: it wasn’t exactly clear who was the victor, since we’d all been hit at least a few times each. Luckily most of the food had managed to stay in its bowls, so there was only a little bit to clean up.

“I’ll go get the vacuum,” Mel said, walking off.

“I’ll help,” Katie said, following her. “I started it, after all, so it’s only fair I help with the cleaning, even if it’s not my turn on the chores.”

While we waited for them to come back, Vicky turned to me. “Lily, listen, there’s something I’ve been meaning to ask.”

I looked at her, and hesitated for a moment. What did she want to ask? Had she somehow realised I wasn’t really trans?

“Sure, what is it?” I said with a nod.

“I’ll get straight to the point: are you on HRT?” she asked.

“HRT… You mean hormone therapy, right?” I replied; Vicky nodded, and I continued, “No, not yet.”

“Okay. Do you have any plans regarding that? How are you going to go about it?”

Was I going to go about it? After all, I was a perfectly normal cisgender man. The idea of taking hormones made me a bit nervous. But I wanted to see where she was going with this conversation, so I shrugged. “Not really? I think I’ll probably ask around, see if there’s a clinic in town or nearby that takes my insurance.”

“That… might not be ideal,” Vicky said.

I raised an eyebrow at her. “Why’s that?”

“You said your parents don’t know you’re trans. That you haven’t come out to them yet.”

“Yeah, that’s right,” I nodded in confirmation.

“Are you planning on telling them any time soon?”

When hell freezes over, I thought. I mean, pretending to be trans was already a dicey proposition: coming out to my family, only to have to take it back months later down the line? No, thank you.

“No, I’m not,” I said.

“Well then, your insurance is no good,” Vicky explained. “Assuming you’re still on your parents’ insurance. The owner of the insurance can see what was paid through it and where; not what it was for, but I know a girl who had to come out to her mother because she noticed that she’d been to the Planned Parenthood near here, and asked why.”

“…Okay,” I said slowly. “Good to know. So, what do you suggest? Because this seems to be more or less where this conversation is heading.”

Vicky nodded. “Christmas break is in a couple weeks, and I’m going to drive up to Canada to buy my HRT. That’s how I get it, since I’m in the same situation as you, and I definitely don’t want my parents to find out. I’m buying it for some other people, too.”

“Like me,” Elanor interjected.

“So I was wondering,” Vicky continued. “Do you want me to hook you up?”

I hesitated for a moment, and then asked the question that was on my mind. “Is this… Um… Legal?” I asked.

She sighed, and looked away. “Not entirely, no. But it’s the only way some people here can get hormones; we have no other choice. Of course, you run basically no risk, since I’ll be the one making the purchase.” She looked at me again. “So how about it? You in?”

To say I was surprised by Vicky’s offer – and her admission – was probably an understatement. I honestly had no idea it was this difficult for some people to get on hormones; I thought all one had to do was ask to be able to start HRT almost immediately after coming out. But Vicky was willing to run a significant risk to obtain her meds, and she was offering to help another trans girl get them, too. (Well, who she thought was another trans girl, I reminded myself. After all, I wasn’t actually trans.)

This conversation had cleared any lingering doubt I might have had in my mind: while I was still certain there were some cis men who were pretending to be trans women, Vicky was clearly not one of them. She was absolutely, one hundred percent, a trans girl, and I looked at her with renewed respect.

So now the question was: was I going to be buying hormones? Well, after all she’d told me, I kinda felt bad to refuse, to be honest. She was running a serious risk.

Also, maybe I could write something about this in my exposé? That many trans people have difficulty getting on hormones. This would surely ingratiate me in some left-wing liberal circles: after all, if I somewhat both-sided the issue, it added credibility. They wouldn’t be able to attack my writing as purely some right-wing screed against trans people.

“Okay,” I nodded. “Sure. What are you going to buy?”

“Estrogens and anti-androgens,” Vicky replied. “But we’ll go over what exactly you need some other time; that will take a while and it’s already late.”

“Sure. After the next GSA meeting, then?”

“Yeah, let’s do that,” Vicky agreed.

“Okay.”

After that we finished cleaning up, and we said our goodbyes; Anna and Elanor walked off in one direction, and Nora insisted on walking me home. “After all,” she said, “I need to pass in front of your dorm to get to my place.”

We walked all the way in silence, enjoying the quiet: while it was Friday evening, it was still December, and there weren’t many people out, especially in this sleepy residential neighbourhood.

It wasn’t until we’d reached my dorm that Nora spoke again.

“So. HRT, huh.”

I nodded. “Yeah, that’s right.”

“Are you nervous?” she asked.

“A little bit,” I replied, and it was the truth: though I was nervous about the risk Vicky would be running, not about the hormones themselves – after all, it wasn’t like I was really going to take them.

“I don’t think you have anything to worry about,” Nora said. “I know plenty of people who are on HRT, it has few side effects. If anything, it’s just going to make you look cuter.”

She paused, and flashed me a grin.

“Though personally, I think you’re already one of the cutest girls on campus.”

I blinked. Wait, what?

For some reason, I felt a blush start to creep up my face, but Nora didn’t seem to notice. She just waved to me and said, “Goodnight, Lily.”

And then she turned around and walked away, leaving me standing there, dumbfounded.