To Own The Libs

 

I just stood there, staring at Joe like a deer in headlights, watching as the look in his eyes turned from surprise to shock, before slowly turning hard. His bewildered smile disappeared, and his jaw set into a tight grimace.

“I see,” he said.

I didn’t reply; I just kept looking at him. Fuck, this was really bad. But then again, Joe and I were… friends? Maybe? Question mark? We’d connected quite a bit over the previous few weeks. We’d had our differences, but we were probably closer than we’d ever been before. So maybe, if I could just talk to him, calmly…

“Well then. Yes, I get it,” Joe said casually, almost amiably, shaking me from my thoughts. “How long has this been going on?”

He stepped into the room, closed the door, and clicked the deadbolt shut.

“Joe, listen–”

“How long has this been going on?” he repeated, cutting me off. “When did it start?”

I gulped. “November.”

His eyes widened in surprise. “November? That far back?”

I nodded.

“Alright, so that makes it, what? Five months ago?” my room-mate asked, still in that calm, casual tone of voice.

I nodded again. “Four and a half. It started… It was the day after we met Anna and Elanor at the Theta Omega Tau party. The day you brought Eddie and Tommy over.”

“Okay, yes, I see. That makes sense,” he said. “It means you’ve been lying to me the whole time.”

The last few words, he hissed through his teeth; I felt a chill run down my spine.

“Joe, I wasn’t–”

“And you’re still lying RIGHT NOW!” he shouted, punching the door and making me jump.

“No!” I protested, taking a step back, away from him. “I didn’t–”

He chuckled, and shook his head. “You don’t even have the courage to say it.” He looked up, straight into my eyes. “You’ve been. Lying. The. Whole. Time.” He paused. “ADMIT IT!”

He balled up his fist, and took a step towards me; I took another step back, and raised my hands in what I hoped was a peaceful gesture.

“I…” I began; I looked at him, saw the look in his eyes. “I’ve kept this from you.” I gulped. “I’m sorry. But I didn’t lie!”

“A lie by omission is still a lie,” he said, and sighed deeply. “Ah, man, to think I’ve been rooming together with a fag all this time.”

I bristled at the insult. “I’m not a fag,” I said. “First of all, that’s a slur. And second, it means ‘homosexual man,’ which I’m not.”

“You’re not what?” Joe answered. “A man?”

“Homosexual,” I replied. “I like girls. I even have a girlfriend, I told you as much.”

“Ha! A girlfriend, right. You’ve mentioned her once or twice, true, but I’ve never seen her. Does she even exist?”

“She does. Her name is–”

“Nora, I know,” Joe cut me off again. “See? I pay attention when you talk to me. Because I care about you! While you clearly do not.”

“That’s not true,” I protested; unconsciously, I took a step towards him. “I mean, we’re room-mates. We’re friends! Aren’t we?”

“Do friends lie to each other?”

“I didn’t lie! Joe, I never told you a single lie! Not ever!”

He scoffed. “That may be true, but you didn’t tell me the whole truth, didn’t you? A lie by omission is still a lie. I’ve been sitting here, unaware of everything, while you were running around like… like a sissy, with those fags and dykes you call friends. Like Anna, you’re friends with her, right?” I unconsciously nodded, and Joe nodded back. “See? Anna. Nora, if she’s even real. And I bet you even hang out with that tranny monster. What was his name? Elanor?”

“Their name,” I said. “And you fucking take that back.” I raised a finger in warning.

Joe laughed loudly. “Or what? You’re going to punch me? You’re going to fight me, to defend the honour of those degenerates?”

“You fucking take that back!” I repeated, louder that time, and I took a step towards my room-mate. “Elanor is one of the best people I’ve ever met. They’re warm, and caring, and they’re willing to live their truth, even if it means having to deal with people like you every waking moment!”

“People like me?” Joe hissed. “People like me?! You mean, normal people?”

“No, I mean people so poisoned by toxic masculinity they aren’t content with living their lives, they want to tell other people how to live theirs!”

“Toxic masculinity is a liberal invention, a woke code-phrase used to make young men feel guilty and keep them down,” he rebutted.

“God!” I shouted, throwing my hands up. “Are you even listening to yourself?! You have your head so far up your own ass that I wonder how you even manage to breathe, let alone talk! Try to listen to someone outside your own camp, once in a while!”

He took a step forward, and suddenly his face was inches from mine. “Like you did?” he said.

I nodded. “Yeah, exactly like I did. I had my head up my ass too, at least until I took the blindfold and earplugs off, and decided to start learning.”

“And became a degenerate, too.”

“I didn’t.”

“You didn’t what?”

“I didn’t become a… a degenerate, as you put it. I’m not gay. I’m not trans. I’m still a man. I’m still… still normal.”

“Are you kidding?” Joe said, and he smirked. “Have you taken a good look in a mirror lately?”

“What, this?” I said, taking a step back and gesturing at myself. “This doesn’t mean anything. I’m just pretending.”

“You’re just… pretending?”

“Yes, this is all fake. The clothes, I can take off. The boobs, they’ll go away once I stop taking hormones. I can cut my hair, take off my make-up. And I will, in a few months.”

Joe looked at me, clearly puzzled. “Are you serious?”

I nodded. “I am.”

He paused for a few moments. His face scrunched in concentration. “But… Why? Why would you do this?”

“To prove being trans is just a fad. It’s not true. I mean, if just anyone can transition, even someone who, like you said, is ‘normal,’ it means that people aren’t doing it for the reasons they say, they’re just doing it for… For clout. To get ahead in life.” I spread my arms wide. “And I did it! I’ve proven it!”

“You’ve… proven it?”

“Of course! Don’t you see? I successfully transitioned, deceiving everyone, but I’m still me. I’m still a cishet man.”

Joe looked at me, clearly bewildered, for a few moments. Then he started laughing – a deep, bitter laugh, which lasted only a few seconds.

Before I could react, he’d stepped towards me, and seized my wrist with his hand.

“DO YOU THINK I’M FUCKING STUPID?!” he bellowed. “Who would even believe such a story?”

I looked up at him, at the fire and fury in his eyes. “Joe… Joe, please. You’re scaring me.”

“Good,” he replied.

His other hand moved and smacked me clear across the cheek, throwing me off balance and off my feet. I landed sprawled on my bed, right beside my open purse.

Joe flexed and shook his hand. “Ow, fuck. Look at what you’ve made me do.”

My ears were ringing from the blow, but I still realised just how bad the current situation was. Alone, in a dorm room, with someone – a violent someone – who clearly refused to listen to reason. How was I even going to get out of that?

I blinked the tears away, and spotted something.

“Still, I think we can turn this into a teaching moment,” Joe said, pacing back and forth through the room. “Yes, I think you can learn something from all this.”

My hand moved. Snaked across the bed and into my purse. I grabbed hold.

Joe turned back towards me. “You want to be a tranny so bad? Well, so far you’ve been in… in a safe space,” he spat out. “I’ll fucking show you what being a tranny is like in the real world.”

He stepped forward.

“I have something to fucking show you, too,” I hissed.

As fast as I could, I pulled my hand out of the purse; I straightened up on the bed, extended my hand towards my room-mate, and pressed the button.

The pepper spray didn’t hit him directly in the face – in my haste, I hadn’t aimed carefully enough – but he still got plenty of it; he screamed, and clawed at his face as he stepped back.

I dropped the pepper spray, sprung up from my seated position, and barrelled into him, hitting him shoulder-first. He lost his balance and tumbled backwards to the ground, while I managed to stay standing, just barely.

I made a beeline for the door, and started fumbling with the deadbolt.

“You BITCH!” Joe roared, as he started getting up. “How fucking DARE YOU!!”

I clicked the deadbolt open, pulled down the handle, opened the door, and ran into the hallway without even a moment’s pause. “Help!” I shouted.

“Get back here!” Joe shouted, stumbling after me.

“Help!” I repeated, as loud as I could.

For such a big guy, Joe was surprisingly quick – and good at football, apparently: he dove after me, and managed to grab my feet. I fell to the ground, barely managing to soften the blow with my arms.

“You fucking whore!” Joe screamed, struggling to get a better hold of me and getting a kick in the teeth for his trouble; he grunted in pain, but tightened his grip.

“Let fucking go of me!” I said, kicking him again. “Help!”

“Alright, what is–”

I looked up, and saw Darrell jog into view from down the corridor; he stopped dead in his tracks, and looked bewildered at the scene in front of him. A few moments later, Nora came into view, right behind him.

I locked eyes with her.

“Help me.”

Darrell moved first. He ran forward, and shouted “Get the fuck away from her!” as he tackled Joe off me.

I scrambled away from the two of them, crawling across the floor. In seconds, Nora was beside me, helping me up.

“Lily,” she said. “Lily, what happened?” She looked at Darrell and Joe, who were grappling with each other while cursing loudly. “What did he do?”

I looked at her, wide-eyed and breathless. “He… I thought he was gone… And then he came back… And he saw me… And… And he…” I gulped, and took in a deep breath. “He hit me,” I said, pointing to my cheek. “And then…”

“Stop,” Nora said, wrapping me into a hug. “There’s no need to say anything else.”

I melted into my girlfriend’s embrace. “I…”

“Shh,” she soothed me. “Quiet. You’re alright now.”

Just as suddenly as it had surged up into me, I felt the adrenaline leave my body. My breathing started getting laboured. My vision clouded.

And I started crying.

I wept for a long time, the tears just pouring out of my eyes, my breath coming in ragged gasps mixed with deep sobs. I cried, completely unaware of anything else besides Nora’s warm embrace.

Then slowly, I began to come back. I managed to get control of my lungs again, and I took a deep breath. I wiped my eyes and looked up, and I was startled to realise I was sitting on one of the couches in the dorm’s entrance hall: how had I even gotten there?

Nora was sitting beside me, an arm wrapped around my shoulders; Vicky, Elanor, and Anna were standing a short distance away, looking at me in worry.

“How are you feeling, Lily?” Nora asked.

“Here, I have some water,” Anna said, handing me a plastic bottle. “Drink. It will make you feel better.”

I grabbed the bottle with shaking hands. “What…” I began, then hiccoughed. “What are you all doing here?”

“I called them,” Nora said. “Thought we could use some back-up.”

“And we came as soon as she called,” Vicky said.

I squeezed the bottle tightly – fortunately it was still capped, or else I’d have made a mess. “Thank you,” I said.

“Don’t mention it.”

Suddenly I realised something. I turned my head towards the corridor that led to my room. “What about…?”

“Darrell managed to put Joe in a hold,” Nora said. “He held him until he calmed down, then locked him in a closet. He’s making a phone call now.”

She nodded her head towards the dorm’s front doors: they’d been propped open, and through them I could see Darrell talking on the phone, pacing back and forth, clearly agitated. He was shouting.

“...It’s bullshit, that’s what it is!” Darrell said. Then he paused, apparently listening to the other end. “It’s a fucking stupid decision, and I want it put on the record that I am absolutely not in agreement with it!” He paused again. “No, I won’t let you talk to her, I’ll tell her myself. You’ve done enough. Have a good fucking night.”

He hung up, and then hung his head, and I could hear him sigh deeply even from several metres away. Then he straightened up, looked towards our group, sighed again, and walked to us.

“Hi,” he said, crouching in front of me so our eyes were at the same level and smiling. “How are you feeling?”

“Terrible,” I said.

“I’ll bet. Alright, listen… Lily, right?” I nodded. “Okay. Lily. First of all, I’m truly, deeply sorry for what happened to you. And I have some news. Some good, and some bad.”

“Good news first,” Nora said; Darrell looked at her, then back at me, and I nodded again.

“Okay,” he said. “Good news is: Joe will absolutely be punished for what he’s done tonight. There will be a disciplinary hearing next week, which will decide what exactly that punishment will be; but I can guarantee you, he will be expelled. No ifs, no buts. What he did was way too serious.”

I nodded yet again.

“And the bad news?” Vicky asked.

“The bad news…” Darrell began; he paused, and then sighed. “Like I said, the hearing is next week. Nothing will happen to him until then. The school won’t do anything about him until then.”

There was a moment of silence, which was broken by Anna.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” she shouted. “He assaulted Lily, and he gets away scot free?”

“He’s not getting away scot free,” Darrell replied. “There will be a hearing, and he will be expelled.”

“That is bullshit,” Anna said; all of my friends nodded.

“It is,” Nora agreed. “Assault is a serious crime, and this isn’t the first time Joe has done something like this.” Darrell looked at her in surprise, but she continued, “Why don’t you call the police?”

Darrell hesitated, and then sighed again. “Look, I’m going to give it to you straight: I agree with you, and I absolutely would do it, but since I’m a school employee, I just can’t. I could get fired.”

“What do you mean?” Elanor asked.

“I was on the phone with Dean Anderson just now,” Darrell said. “He’s Dean of Housing, and he’s also responsible for discipline and disciplinary hearings. And since the… the incident,” he said, screwing his mouth in clear distaste, “happened on campus, it falls under his jurisdiction. And he said, I quote, ‘We don’t need that sort of negative publicity.’ He’s planning on making the entire thing go away quietly: not mention it at all outside the school, expel Joe as soon as possible – which, like I said, is next week – and just forget all about it.”

Darrell sighed again. “And yes, this is bullshit. I told him as much. But besides yelling at him, there’s nothing I can do.” He paused, and lowered his voice. “But to be honest, there’s nothing stopping one of you from calling the cops. I could just say you went against my advice. It would become a whole thing, of course: a trans student assaulted on campus, in the dorms even, can you imagine? The press would have a field day with it. But you can do it if you want.”

Suddenly a picture of a newspaper with my photo and my name – Lily O’Connor – splayed on the front page flashed through my mind. It would be in print, it would be on news websites…

I quickly shook my head. “No, I can’t do that. I’m not out to my parents yet, if they find out like this…” I took in a deep breath, and let it out slowly. “I just can’t,” I mumbled.

Nora squeezed my shoulder reassuringly.

“I understand. What this means, however,” Darrell continued, “is that Joe is absolutely free until next week. So you better do your best to avoid him. And move out of your dorm room, since he’ll be free to use it.”

“I’m sorry, what the fuck?” Anna exclaimed. “Joe is the guilty party, and you’re asking Lily to move out?”

Darrell closed his eyes, and bowed his head. “I’m sorry.” He looked up at me again. “We have a couple of free rooms in the dorm, but I’m guessing you don’t want to be in the same building as Joe, right?” I shook my head. “Understandable. Do you have a place to stay?”

I hesitated, and turned my head to look at Nora; she locked eyes with me, but gently shook her head. “I’m sorry, Lily, but I don’t even have a couch at my apartment, just a few armchairs, which are hardly ideal.” She put a finger to her chin. “You could sleep in bed with me, though.”

“This isn’t the time, Nora,” Elanor said.

Nora hesitated, but then nodded. “You’re right. I’m sorry.”

“She can stay at my place,” Vicky said. “My room’s a double, but I’m using it as a single. We’ll have to reassemble the bed frame I’ve stashed in the closet, but that won’t take long.”

I looked at her. “Are you sure? I don’t want to be a bother…”

She reached forward, placed a hand on my shoulder, and smiled warmly at me. “You’re not a bother, Lily. And I’m not leaving you high and dry. Not if I can help you.”

I smiled back and nodded. “Thank you.”

“Alright, that’s settled then,” Darrell said, rising to his feet.

“No, it’s not settled at all,” Elanor said.

Darrell turned to look at them. “What do you mean?”

“This is a college dorm. Lily has paid money for a place here. And now she’s being forced out, because of something the college did. That’s hardly fair.” They paused. “Not unless there’s some sort of compensation, that is. Like… giving Lily back the money she spent?”

Darrell looked at them for a moment. “You studying law?”

“Pre-law,” Elanor replied; Darrell nodded.

“I’ll call Dean Anderson, see what I can do.”

Elanor smirked. “Do remind him that the college doesn’t need negative publicity.”

Darrell smirked back. “I think I just might do that.” He turned to me. “You better go pack your bags now, I have to let Joe out sooner or later, so you better be gone by then.”

I hesitated. “I… I really don’t want to be in that room right now.”

“I’ll pack your bags for you,” Nora said. “Can you help me, Anna?”

“Of course,” Anna replied.

“My wardrobe and desk are on the left, all my stuff is there,” I said. “And thanks.”

Nora and Anna nodded in acknowledgement, and walked away; about fifteen minutes later they were back, carrying my suitcases, which looked remarkably more full than they were months earlier, when I’d used them to move into my dorm room – because of all the clothes I’d bought since then.

“You’re just in time, the car’s here,” Vicky said.

Nora looked at her. “Car?”

“I called a friend.”

We walked outside the dorm, and saw an old, beat-up car waiting there; a girl I’d never seen before, but who looked a bit familiar, was sitting in the driver’s seat, and she waved at us as we approached.

“Hi, Lexi,” Vicky said. “Sorry for calling you here this late.”

The girl – Lexi – waved her hand dismissively. “That’s what friends are for, right? Come on, get in.”

Vicky took shotgun, while Nora and I piled into the back seat, along with the suitcases. The ride to Vicky’s place was short and uneventful, and before I even knew it we were saying goodbye to Lexi and climbing up the stairs to Vicky’s room.

“Just sit on the bed, Lily,” Vicky said. “We’ll just be a minute.”

I complied, and watched on as Nora and Vicky pulled out the bed frame and assembled it – which didn’t take long, since it only required screwing the legs to the frame; then they set it down on one side of the room, next to the wall, put a mattress on it, and made the bed.

“Everything’s ready, my princess,” Nora said with a bow. “You should really get to sleep, you’ve had an… eventful evening.”

I nodded. “Thank you.”

She leaned forward, and kissed me on the forehead. “Goodnight, Lily.”

She turned around to leave.

Before I could stop myself, my hand shot out, and I grabbed her by the wrist; Nora turned back to me.

“I don’t want to be alone,” I said.

Nora smiled at me. “You won’t be alone, Lily,” she said. “Vicky will be sleeping in this same room.”

I shook my head. “I… I don’t want to be alone.”

The enormity, the full weight of what had happened that day hit me once again like a sledgehammer, and I found myself crying once again. I hugged myself, and I started shivering.

I looked up at Nora, tears in my eyes.

“I–”

“Shh,” she said, stepping forward and embracing me. “It’s okay, I won’t leave you.”

“Neither will I,” Vicky said. “We’re right here for you, Lily.”

A sob escaped me, but I nodded. “Thank you,” I said in a small voice.

“Come on, give me a hand here, Nora,” Vicky said; they pushed the two beds against each other, and then rearranged the covers.

They quickly changed into their sleepwear, Nora borrowing some PJs from Vicky, and then we laid down in bed together, me in the middle and Nora and Vicky on either side of me.

They held me until I stopped crying and shaking and, finally, fell asleep.