Titi and the Earwax Uprising

The Ratsack Tremorroid and Nate Goiterhead were playing mini golf while the Chainsaw Raccoon looked on. They were at the windmill obstacle and Nate was about to clumsily take his shot when the game was interrupted by the abrupt entrance of Agent Orange, who came flying into the course without his machine gun or machete, his clothes in sad disarray.

“What’s wrong, my good man?” said the Ratsack Tremorroid, calmly.

“Oh! Your highness- your highness! The city is conquered!” gasped the orange agent, who was all out of breath.

“This is quite sudden,” said the Ratsack Tremorroid. “But it makes sense we have enemies, for someone who has no enemies is an indifferent person who has done no evil but has also done no good. Doing good generally attracts ingratitude. This ingratitude should not upset us.”

“Uh-huh,” said Agent Orange. The tremorroid continued:

“Orange, please go and bar all the doors and windows of the palace.” The soldier rushed off to seal up Videotape Palace, while Titi, who had arrived at his heels, remained in the courtyard to look at the Ratsack Tremorroid with wondering eyes. He had never seen a sack of rats with arms and legs and a talking face painted on it. One of the Ratsack Tremorroid’s eyes was bigger than the other, just like Nate Goiterhead. The garbage golem, having caught sight of Titi, ambled toward the tween as fast as his awkward legs would go.

“Good afternoon, noble parent!” Nate cried, delightedly. “I’m glad to see you are here. My terrible sibling ran away with me.” The Chainsaw Raccoon grunted.

Titi hugged Nate. “Did you get hurt? Are you dented at all?”

“No, I’m fine. But I will say it’s a good thing I don’t have the ability to go to the bathroom, for during that ride I would’ve surely defecated in my trousers. Since I’ve arrived his highness has been very kind indeed to me and taught me how to play guff.” Nate introduced Tititarius to the Ratsack Tremorroid, who shook Titi’s hand warmly with his smallish hand. Titi gave the Chainsaw Raccoon a scratch behind the ears, which almost made their gashy mouth smile. At this moment the still-flustered Agent Orange returned and said:

“All the servants and employees of the palace have fled in terror to go make sure their families are safe from these marauders!”

“By the way,” asked the Ratsack Tremorroid calmly, “who has conquered me?”

“A regiment of teenagers, gathered from the four corners of Bonertania,” replied Orange, still pale with fear.

“But where was my standing army at the time?” inquired his highness, looking at the soldier, gravely.

“Your standing army was running,” answered the fellow, honestly; “for no man could face the terrible weapons of the invaders.”

“Well,” said the Ratsack Tremorroid, after a moment’s thought, “I don’t mind much the loss of the videotape throne. These last few months have been so tiresome. And this crown is so heavy that it makes my head ache. But I hope the conquerors have no intention of injuring me, just because I happen to be the tremorroid.”

“I heard them, say” remarked Titi, with some hesitation, “that they intend to steal your rats and make ratburgers out of them.”

“RATBURGERS!” yelled the Ratsack Tremorroid. Nate Goiterhead lurched backwards, startled.

“Then I am really in danger,” declared his highness, positively, “and it will be wise for me to consider a means to escape.”

“Where can you go?” asked Nate Goiterhead.

“Why, to my friend Cy’s chateau. He’s the emperor of Mukusquad,” was the answer. “I am sure he will protect me.”

“Videotape Palace is surrounded by the enemy,” said Agent Orange. “It is too late to escape. They would soon tear you to pieces.”

The Ratsack Tremorroid regarded the Chainsaw Raccoon critically. “He doesn’t seem especially graceful!” he remarked, musingly. “but I suppose he can run?”

“He can, indeed,” said Titi, gazing upon the Chainsaw Raccoon admiringly.

“Very, very fast!” added Nate.

“Then, bearing us upon his back, he must make a dash through the ranks of the rebels and carry us to my friend Cydroidobot,” announced the Ratsack Tremorroid.

“He can’t carry four!” objected Titi.

“No, but he may be induced to carry three,” said his highness. “I shall therefore leave my royal army behind. For, from the ease with which they were conquered, I have little confidence in their powers.”

“Hey, that hurt,” exclaimed Orange, “but I can bear it. I shall disguise myself by donning one of the fake beards from the castle’s hair and make-up room. And, after all, it is no more dangerous to face those reckless teenagers than to ride this fiery, untamed wooden raccoon!”

“Perhaps you are right,” observed his highness. “Now, Titi, you must mount first. And please sit as close to the raccoon’s head as possible.”

Titi climbed quickly to his place, the tremorroid crawled on behind him, and the soldier managed to hoist Nate Goiterhead into position.

“Fetch some intestines,” said the tremorroid to his army, “and tie us all together.”

Agent Orange left, and returned with a long line of large intestine and tied all three firmly together, also lashing them to the body, neck, and vertical tail of the Chainsaw Raccoon. There seemed little danger of their tumbling off.

“Throw open the gates,” commanded the Ratsack Tremorroid as he grasped a hold of Titi’s waist, “and we will make a dash to liberty or to death.”

“Now,” said Titi to the raccoon, “you must save us all. Run as fast as you can for the west gate of the city, and don’t let anything stop you. Cheezit!”

“All right!” answered the Chainsaw Raccoon gruffly, and dashed away so suddenly that Titi had to gasp for breath and hold firmly to the fleshwood golem’s ears.

Several of the teenagers, who stood outside guarding Videotape Palace, were knocked over by the Chainsaw Raccoon’s mad rush. Others ran screaming out of the way, and only one or two jabbed their glittering knitting-needles frantically at the escaping prisoners. Titi got one small prick in his bottom, which smarted for hours afterward; but the needles had no effect upon the Ratsack Tremorroid or Nate Goiterhead, who never even suspected they were being prodded.

As for the Chainsaw Raccoon, he was heading straight towards a girl holding a huge tray of titmouse terds. She threw the entire tray up in the air and they splattered all over Titi’s head. Then the raccoon crashed headlong into a fruit stand, sending smashed jackpeaches, hairy lemons, apefruit, and kumquats everywhere. Titi got an overripe smelon right in the face, which exploded with a juicy squish. Two boys holding a giant sheet of glass were crossing the road at that moment and the raccoon smashed through that, too. They approached the gates, which hung open.

Once outside the walls of Schmegma City the bench dashed along the road to the west. With fast and violent leaps that shook the breath out of the terd-and-smelon-covered tween and filled the Ratsack Tremorroid with wonder.

Nate had ridden at this mad rate once before, so he devoted every effort to holding onto the raccoon’s tail with one hand and his goiter head with the other, enduring meantime the dreadful jolting with the courage of an ocelot.

“Slow him up! Slow him up! My rats are getting all shook up!” shouted the Ratsack Tremorroid. His inner rats were squealing in terror.

But Titi had no breath to speak, so the Chainsaw Raccoon continued his wild career unchecked and with unabated speed.

Presently they came to the banks of a wide yellow stream, and without a pause the wooden steed gave one final leap and launched them all in mid-air. They hit the water and for a few moments were all underwater. A second later they were rolling, splashing and bobbing about in the filthy yellow water, the raccoon struggling frantically to find a rest for its feet.