Titi and the Earwax Uprising

The Chainsaw Raccoon was very unsatisfied at their current state.

“It was a shame that I broke my leg!” it grumbled.

“On the contrary,” airily remarked B.M. Foulfinger, who was gliding alongside on his wriggling tentacles, “you should consider the accident most fortunate. For a wild raccoon is never of much use until he has been broken.”

No one laughed.

"Say, friends, what kind of key opens a banana? “

No one said anything.

“A monkey!" said Foulfinger.

No one laughed.

“Did you hear about the man who hated sausage?”

No one said anything.

“He was always fearing the wurst.”

No one laughed.

“I beg your pardon,” said the Chainsaw Raccoon, “but permit me to say that your puns are painful.”

“A joke derived from a play upon words is considered among educated people to be eminently proper,” declared the finger; firmly

“What does that mean?” inquired Nate Goiterhead.

“It means, my dear tumorous friend,” explained the finger, “that our language contains many words having a double meaning; and that to pronounce a joke that allows both meanings of a certain word, proves the joker a person of culture and refinement, who has, moreover, a thorough command of the language.”

“I don’t believe that,” said Tititarius, plainly; “anybody can make a pun.”

“Not so,” rejoined the finger, stiffly. “It requires education of a high order. For example: I recently attended a hairpiece auction. I bought the cheapest one. It was a small price toupee.”

No one laughed.

“Have you heard about the two men who stole a calendar?" the finger asked.

"No," replied Titi.

"They each got six months."

“Ugh,” grunted Titi.

“Are you educated, young sir?” the finger asked the Plotzian boy.

“Not especially,” admitted Titi.

“Then you cannot judge comedy. I myself am thoroughly educated, and I say that jokes display genius. There are opportunities for so many excellent puns in our language that, to an educated person like myself, the temptation to express them is almost irresistible.” The finger glided along on his glistening tentacles as if he had made some brilliant remark.

“People with less education discovered those puns centuries ago,” said the Chainsaw Raccoon.

“Harumph,” said the finger, who then farted moistly.

Many hours later, when they had stopped for a moment so Titi and Foulfinger could eat some alien feces they found in a big clumpy pile, they saw a dozen roads branching off from their feet in a dozen different directions; and soon these roads began whirling around like a mighty wheel, first in one direction and then in the other, completely bewildering their vision. Titi and Foulfinger both got so dizzy they threw up. Cydroidobot made them all get up and hold hands and walk in a straight line and after they had gone a few paces the whirling pathways vanished and were seen no more.

When they crested the next hill an incredible sight met their eyes. For as far as they could see there was a see of mucky, glunky, chunky diarrhea. Suddenly a sheet of the diarrhea flew up in the air in a reverse waterfall, forming a nightmarish wall of brown nastiness and blocking their path.

“This must be an illusion!” said B.M. Foulfinger.

“How can you tell?” asked Titi.

“Because,” said the finger, “Have you ever come across a sea of diarrhea that didn’t smell?”

Titi realized he was right- if this was a real diarrhea sea they’d be choking with watery eyes at the stench.

“I think we should shut our eyes and walk forward. It worked before.” said Cydroidobot.

Those who could breath held their breath and those who had eyelids closed their eyes. They all walked forward, and before they had gone many yards a joyful shout from Nate announced that the way was clear before them.

Then all paused to look backward, but not a trace of the diarrhea landscape remained.

“This is surely a most extraordinary adventure,” said B.M. Foulfinger, who was greatly amazed; “for it upsets all the natural laws that I heard Dr. Pizensharten teach in the college.”

“Of course it does,” said the Ratsack Tremorroid, wisely. “All thaumaturgy is unnatural, and for that reason is to be feared and avoided.”

Suddenly the sky darkened, and an enormous Zvilpogghua flew out of the clouds and directly at our heroes.

“Another mirage sent to impede our progress,” said Cydroidobot.

As the android walked towards the Zvilpogghua it spun around and let out a huge fart. Cydroidobot struggled against the wind. The monstrous creature pulled out a lighter and held it in front of the fart, sending a stream of blue fire directly at the Robotic Emperor.

Cyrdoidobot dove and rolled out of the way of the flaming flatulence. He turned to his friends and yelled:

“Okay, this one might not be an illusion!”

The beast spun around in mid air and lunged at Cydroidobot, it’s ravenous maw drooling thick, syrupy saliva. He dodged and ran away. While running he twisted his left nipple like a combination lock until a compartment opened up in his tummy. He reached in and pulled out more intestines, which he fashioned into a lasso. Cydroidobot pulled on his right nipple, which opened a compartment on his chest and inside of which were several different colored buttons. He pushed a red one. Suddenly his butt opened up and a large jet engine popped out. It ignited, sending Cydroidobot soaring up in the air. Just as the Zvilpogghua spun around, intending to light its flatulence a second time, the android threw the intestine lasso around the beast’s neck and pulled it tight. He yanked with all his might and pulled the creature’s head back. It dropped its lighter and clawed at the intestines, struggling to breath. Eventually its eyes rolled up into the back of its head and it passed out, landing with a loud thwunk on the ground. Cydroidobot hovered gracefully to a landing next to it. The jet retracted into his bottom. He threw down the end of the intestine noose.

“Pretty cool jet-butt, huh? Unfortunately it only holds enough fuel for thirty seconds of flight.” Cydroidobot looked down at the unconscious Zvilpogghua. “Don’t worry about him, he’ll wake up in a few hours with a sore throat.”

So the adventurers walked on and left the slumbering old one behind. After lots more walking Titi suddenly exclaimed:

“Hey, look! We’re almost there!”

Indeed, the silvery-grey walls of the city were plainly visible. From where they were standing it looked like a miniature model, or maybe a matte painting.

Titi farted with excitation. Foulfinger just farted.