This DCverse is Maddening

¹

“No really?”

Angeline loudly cackled as she looked at the photo before her.

“Yes really!”

Marceline tried and spectacularly failed at keeping it together. As for the object of their amusement, he was currently sitting off to the side with his head in his hands. Albert didn’t know which god he pissed off but he really just wanted them to know he was sorry indeed.

After that embarrassing moment last night, he had stumbled his way to the motel and crashed until early this morning. Following the ‘kind’ manager’s wake up call, he had gotten up feeling a lot better about himself. Sure maybe everything didn’t go to plan but at least it was all behind him. Right? Right?!

Wrong. It only took a single step outside of his temporary dwelling to lock eyes with a brunette who immediately tried to stifle her own giggles. That was only the sign for things to come. When Marceline had finally gotten herself in order, had she explained the plan to meet up with the rest of the group at this ungodly hour.

If Albert wasn’t a betting man before, he certainly wasn’t after walking through those familiar doors, smelling the scent of that sweet ambrosia and seeing Marceline’s face morph into the look of a cat who caught the canary. So aghast he was at the expression, that he couldn’t even respond to the ribbing he received from Jeremiah.

That was how he found himself under the constant barrage of pitying and delighted looks. All he could do was sip at his coffee and luxuriate in the slightly bitter after taste that really greased his mental gears. Deciding that nothing productive would be done before they all settled down, he began to go down his mental checklists.

‘Status’

[Albert Nelson

HP: 20/20

MP: 9/9

SAN: 41/45

LCK: 38/45

IP: 1

Skills:

- Appraise: 25%

- Art/Craft (Photography): 55%

- Disguise: 20%

- Fire Arms (Handgun): 60%

- Library Use: 60%

- Listen: 31%

- Navigate: 17%

- Occult: 35%

- Psychology: 50%

- Spot Hidden: 60%

- Stealth: 42%

Talents:

- Resourceful

- Lucky

Cthulhu Mythos: 0%]

He wasn’t the least bit surprised to find that even after a full night of rest that his LCK hadn’t completely recovered after his prodigious use.

‘I guess I’ll have to be actually careful of how much I spend..’

Albert wasn’t really looking forward to going through the day without every advantage he could scrounge up, but what could he have done?

‘Maybe not use so much LCK?’

Shaking off his thoughts, he was surprised about how both Stealth AND Listen had both increased marginally.

‘It seems my previous theory was right,’ Nodding his head sagely, as if he had unlocked the secrets to the universe,’ Using skills in real use will increase their growth.’

It did make a lot of sense in hindsight. Sure, studying would have an effect on the results but actually going out and doing it would really showcase what was retained or needed to be restudied.

“G-guys,” Steve tried to calm down the two, failing but still trying,” Y-your not being f-fair to Albert.”

“Yeah.” Michael nodded, sending a supportive smile at the sulking teen’s,” Please don’t take their actions as malicious or anything..”

“T-to be honest,” The teen ruffled his own shaggy brown hair,” Your not a-alone.”

At his words, the blonde had quickly sobered and sent a scathing glare in Steve’s direction.

“Oh?” Albert asked, suddenly interested,” What do you mean by that?”

“I don-”

Angeline words were cut off by a phone being shoved in his face. Taking a closer look. In the photo, a blonde woman covered head to toe in black attire hung by the collar from a metal fence. And judging from how in the pictures that followed her feet struggled uselessly towards the ground, she was not having a good time.

Despite himself, Albert looked back and forth between the photo and the now sulking girl before bursting out into his own fit of laughter. Sure he might’ve look ridiculous but atleast he didn’t look like a burglar failing at their jobs.

“Oh that’s how you want to play it?” Apparently, Michael drew first blood and Angeline seemed ready to continue the slaughter,” Fine, I have something too!”

And she too shoved another phone in Albert’s face. It was of two people entangled with bright red faces. The two teens looked to be stuck after trying and failing to use a rope to climb down.

“It’s n-not my fault M-michael doesn’t know to c-climb a rope..”

“Hey I told you guys I didn’t know how!” The towering teen raised his hands in exasperation, completely ignoring the chuckling investigator and medium,” But no one wanted to listen to me.”

“D-don’t think you’re g-getting out of this either M-marcey!” Steve huffed, completely halting her giggles in their place.

“Wait!” She wave her hands ineffectually across the table,” We ca-”

It seems those who lives in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones..

Before the girl could convince the youth, he had already drawn blood. Before Albert was another picture, this one of the brunette at the bottom of a hole struggling to get herself out. Judging from the pouting look on her face, she seem to be thoroughly done with life.

“That wasn’t my fault!” She huffed, crossing her arms in defiance,” I-”

“You weren’t careful and fell in that hole.” Angeline smelling blood, wasn’t willing to let this go,” We did get you out...eventually.”

“Okay.” Albert cut in between gasps of breathe, trying to atleast get something done today,” Thank you but I think we should get something done today.”

“I-indeed.” Steve nodding, putting away his nuke,” What d-did you two find o-out?”

“Fine.” Marceline sighed, taking her phone to read off some notes,” Going during the day is obviously a no go. But I did find out where he’s been buried. It’s nowhere near the grounds keeper's home. So that’s a plus. But that’s about it. I didn’t see a way for me to naturally talk to any of the staff there so there wasn’t anything else I could gather.”

“That’s fine.” Angeline stated,” At least we won’t be searching in the dark.”

“What a-about you Albert?”

Steve inquired, now all business.

“Well,” Albert leaned back in his seat,” I found out the groundskeeper, his name is Noah by the way, is on a 30 minute rotation. At least after 11:00 PM, but the likeliness of him being asleep is really high. And I found this.”

“Also,” He continued after placing the note down in the middle of the day,” There’s literally nothing out there. All the shops are closed and the nearby houses seem like folk to mind their own business.”

“That’s Gotham for you.” Michael nodded,” Everyone has their own people to worried to care about someone or something else.”

“That’s everywhere.” Angeline snorted,” Don’t make it seem like it’s a Gotham only characteristic. Even Metropolis is like that.”

“Metropolis has Superman.” He bit back, now feeling sour,” What do we have?”

“I have to ask.” Albert decided to cut in before things could get more heated,” Doesn’t Gotham have Batman?”

“This again?” Marceline groaned,” I told you, some guy dressed up in a bat costume is nothing but an urban legend.”

“Uh oh..” The blonde muttered, sending a scathing glance at the investigator,” You did it now..”

“H-how can you say?!” Steve demanded, looking aghast,” Even a-after what I told y-you?”

“Yeah!” Michael added,” His sidekick Robin, helped my sister from some punks!”

“Maybe we sho-”

“Excuse me?” A familiar voice interrupted the groups’ little spat, looking over Albert was surprised to see how close the red headed woman had gotten without him realizing. That same small smile and blue-green eyes hidden behind a pair of thick rimed glasses. She wore dark skinny jeans showcasing her strong, muscular legs and a brown jacket.

“Oh hello Barbara.”

Albert greeted, receiving mortified glances from the group in large. Michael’s eyes practically popped out of his skull as he looked her up and down. Both Marceline and Steve weren’t too far behind in that respect.

“Hello Miss Gordon.”

Angeline responded after a beat, shaking off the surprise.

“Good morning to you too Miss Gramercy.” Barbara greeted in kind, inclining her head slightly,” Excuse my rudeness but I couldn’t help but hear you’re rather...interesting conversation. Do you mind if I join you?”

“No!” The brunette blurted out, before blushing brightly,” I mean sure go ahead.”

“Thank you.”

The red head smiled at the flustered girl. And with her attention elsewhere, Albert palmed the note back into his hand and out of sight. He was under no allusion that someone who trained under the monster known as Bruce Wayne wouldn’t have noticed but he hoped whatever cover she had going on would restrict her in some way.

“I didn’t know you came here.”

Angeline hedged after a few moments of awkward silence.

“I could say the same to you.” She sipped at her coffee with a small smile,” It was a pleasant surprise to say the least, and please let us due away with formalities. Call me Barbara.”

“Fine.” The blonde nodded,” What can we help you with?”

“I heard all of you talking about Batman and Robin?” Barbara ignored to the kick Angeline received from under the table,” I just wanted to hear your own experiences if at all possible.”

“O-ofcourse!” Steve nodded his head like a bobble head,” My mom works at the hospital and she told me that she saw a man in a bat costume leaping out of the window from one of her patients!”

“Oh really?” She quirked her eyebrow,” That doesn’t so-”

“I-it was on the f-fifth floor!” He added quickly,” She r-ran to window but o-only saw a huge b-bat flying off into the n-night.”

“Thank you.” The red head then turned to Michael who sat up straighter in his seat,” What about you?”

“Yes?!” He squeaked, before coughing and deepening his voice,” I mean yes. My sister was walking home after work one night and some guys dragged her into an alley! But then a blur of red appeared and all of them went sprawling! Some kid around my age in a right red costume stood before my sister with a metal stick.”
“Really?” She asked coolly, but Albert could only internally wince.

‘Yeah Robin is definitely going to get an earful later..’

“Yeah really!” If Michael was a puppy at this moment, his tail would be wagging wildly,” My sister isn’t a liar so it has to be true!”

“Albert?” The red head inquired, cocking her head to the side. Giving off the air of a bird of prey,” Do you have anything to add?”

‘I don’t know what game you’re playing at..’

He would admit that normally, if a pretty face came up to chat him up it wouldn’t take much for him to spill his guts to her. Possibly scaring her away as he essentially regurgitates his life story to her. But he wasn’t in a ‘normal’ world. And this person in front of him wasn’t just a pretty face. She was Batgirl. Someone who had fought some of this cities worst villains and came out on top! She had the skills, the smarts and the experience to run amok in any possible battlefield. Political, physical or psychological, it didn’t matter.

“I’ve seen him before.”

He decided to tell a half-truth here. There was no reason to go into detail on what else happened that day. Just admitting to seeing the man would be dangerous enough without also admitting to speaking to the legend himself.

“You have?!”

The rest of group shook of their beauty induced fugue and looked at him in a different light.

“When?”

Michael looked as though he wanted to leap across the table at him.

“I must admit, that I am also curious.” The red head leaned forward, filling his nose with her coffee breathe,” Please go on if its not too much.”

“Well.” Albert gulped, leaning away from those blue-green eyes,” As the commissioner's daughter you probably know I was apart of the recent incident at First National Bank of Gotham?”

Seeing her nod, he continued.

“I won’t go into detail for uh reasons.. Anyway long story short, I saw him.”

“D-did he say a-anything to you?”

Steve inquired, looking completely enraptured. It was obvious to Albert that he practically worshiped super heroes.

‘Don’t ever meet your heroes…’

His own personal experience with Batman wasn’t a very positive one to say the least. Not only had he been accused of working with Blackmask, but apparently the man saw fit to rummage around in his inheritance. So all in all, the man in black was a huge fucking douche bag.

“No.”

Technically not a lie, the man hadn’t spoken to Albert more like at.

“Oh.” The teen visibly deflated,” T-that’s too bad. I w-would love to j-just talk to him.”

‘Let’s hope you never do. Reality is often disappointing.’

“What about you Barbara?” He decided to kick the ball in her court, see how she liked being put under the spotlight. To anyone else, she didn’t seem to react at all to the question. But it was almost child's play for Psychology to pick up on the slight flinch.

“I’ve never had the pleasure in meeting him.”

‘Lie.’

“Is there anything else we can help you with M-Barbara?”

Angeline asked, subtly giving the red head a way out of the group’s entanglement.

“No..” She looked down at her phone in consternation,” Look at how time flies! It was nice to meet all of you.”

“Yeah..”

“S-sure.”

“I love your hair..”

Barbara only smiled at the fluster brunette before getting up and making her way to the door.

“Oh and Albert?” She paused, giving the youth a glance over her shoulder,” Don’t be a stranger, you have my number.”

‘You-’

“What?!” Now it was Marceline to look absolutely incensed, and only waited until the red head was out of sight before gripping onto his collar with madness in her eyes,” How?!”

“I didn’t know you had game like that…” Michael shook his head, failing to hide the jealousy written all over his face,” Remind me to never introduce you to my sister..”

“S-stay away from my m-mom..”

Steve said seriously, giving the teen the stink eye.

“It’s not like that.” Albert shook off her hands, he was more than certain the bombshell had no romantic interest in him whatsoever. Even though it hurt to admit, there would be very few woman or people who would find him attractive enough to date. Given his lower than average APP, which not dictated his own physical attraction but also his social skills, it would be more likely for a snowball to survive in hell. All in all, he knew she had alternative motives. Probably a mixture of pity and practicality.

“She most likely wants to keep an eye on me after the attempted bank robbery.” He continued, wanting to push aside the oncoming barrage,” Shouldn’t we be planning on how we’re going to do this?”

“H-he’s right,” Steve shook off his stupor,” Y-you said he’ll m-most likely b-be asleep? I d-don’t like ‘m-most likely’. A-any plans?”

“We could knock him out.” Angeline had the nerve to look indignant after she received looks of consternation,” What?!”

“You can’t use violence as a first resort..” Michael sighed,” We’ve been over this.”

“Fine.” She huffed, crossing her arms.

‘Wait?’ Albert looked a bit closer,’ How did she gain that in a couple of days?!’

Indeed, ever since he had met the blonde, she has always been athletic. More like in way of a runner or swimmer. But now? Angeline looked as though she had gone through a month of pumping iron with her biceps beginning to bulge.

‘I’ll ask later.’ He promised himself,’ I don’t want to derail us again. This is important.’

“How about we lock him in his home?” Marceline hedged,” Just get some rope and tie everything together.”

“T-that won’t work.” The shaggy haired youth shook his head,” I-it’ll leave a t-trace.”

“We’re digging up grave,” The blonde snorted,” That’s going to leave a trace.”

“Y-yes.” He acquiesced,” But t-that doesn’t we s-shouldn’t l-lessen it.”

“And having rope everywhere will be kind of obvious.”

Michael added.

“I think I have an idea..” Albert decided to throw his idea out there,” What if we got an escort?”

“What?”

“Before you say anything,” He waved to his hands to forestall their condemnations,” It will keep him occupied all night. And if I went for the full girlfriend/date-night experience then it’ll for sure work.”

“Do you know where to find such a service?” Marceline gave him a strange look following the blonde’s harsh retort.

“No..” The investigator shook his head, looking a bit sheepish,” I was kind of hoping one of you knew?”

It was a couple seconds of silence as the group tried and failed to fully understand his words.

“...No.”

Now it was Angeline to look at him weirdly, as if what he had said was so preposterous. Forcing him to shrug in defeat. This was Gotham they lived in. A city full of crime. Drugs. Burglary. Assaults. Murders. Were all common there. What was a little prostitution in comparison?

“Then I’ll be back.” Albert announced, getting up from the table entirely. His steps were resolute. Mind solely focused on the goal before him, internally preparing himself for the verbal spar this next conversation was going to be.

“Can I help you kid?”

Jeremiah asked, looking as the youth stood in front of him for a good long minute without saying anything. His hands twitching to reach for something under the counter. This wouldn’t be the first time he had to put do-

“Do you know where I can find an escort agency?” The teen blurted out, a look of shame and embarrassment evident on his face,” A good one?”

“Oh,” The old man visibly sagged in relief, hands no longer twitching,” Oh!”

It was as if only then did he actually hear the boys’ words and a spike concern him from above.

“Aren’t you a bit young for err…” He tried to come up with a more delicate word for what was actually on the tip of his tongue,” That kind of thing? I mean I get it but shouldn’t you atleast wait until you’re eighteen first? After I don’t know, actually trying to court a woman..or man?”

“No.” Albert didn’t hesitate to try and alleviate the geezers worries,” It’s not for me but a friend.”

“..Right.” It wouldn’t take a genius to tell the coffee shop owner didn’t believe him,” I would hope this ‘friend’ is at least of age. Else it won’t matter how much money is spent, these girls will not sleep with a minor. Gotham isn’t a friendly place to begin with, but no one wants that kind of reputation.”

“So you have a place in mind?” He didn’t dare to hope, not believing it would be this easy to find a service.

“Yes.” His gray hair bobbed alongside his movements,” I do.”

“Great!”

“But.” The man gave him a hard stare, dashing his hopes in the mud,” Remember what I said.”

“I understand.”

Albert acknowledged gravely, inwardly a bit disappointed that he would be spending the next couple of years celibate.

“Fine.” Jeremiah sighed in defeat before writing down a series of numbers before tearing off the slip of paper.

“Thank you.” He said accepting the precious resource, there was so much he could do with this. If he could come up some kind of dea-

“Don’t thank me yet!” The old man gave a mischievous grin,” Madame Clements will not be cheap with her girls.”

“Wait a minute,” Albert paused in his internal thoughts, a question bubbling up from his throat,” How did yo-”

“Wouldn’t you look at the time” Jeremiah quickly interrupted, looking at the large watch on his thin wrist,” It seems like closing time!”

“But it-”

“A holiday!” The senior announced, causing the group of teenagers to jump in their seat,” Everyone out!”

What followed was a couple of seconds of silence before they stood up and marched their way out of the warm building. Shivering slightly under the chilly morning air and the ever insistent stares piercing into his back.

“W-what did you say to h-him?”

Even Steve in all his patience wasn’t immune to the spike of curiosity and a little bit of annoyance at being kicked out of one his favorite coffee shops.

“I got it.”

Albert answered, waving the slip of paper in victory.

“You didn’t?!”

Angeline looked at him aghast, incredulity filling her voice.

“...Did what?”

The teen looked at her in slight confusion, she couldn’t m-

“Ask Jeremiah if he knew of any brothels?”

Michael finished, a small lascivious grin slowly wriggling itself on his face. The giant’s face slowly started to redden, eyes unfocused. Completely lost in his own daydream.

“If you keep looking like that,” Marceline slowly backed away from that incredibly creepy grin,” You’ll scare the working girls enough to charge you extra.”

“A-anyway,” Steve quickly tried to steer their conversation back on track,” How do w-we do this? I can’t c-contribute because if m-my mom hears that I p-paid for an escort…”

The way he trailed off and shivered at the mere thought of his mother finding out was more than enough to spell it out for all of them.

“...Same.” Michael slumped, looking completely disappointed,” I’m already going to be in trouble tonight.”

“It would be a scandal on my part.” Angeline added, not looking even in slightest bit apologetic,” My media would eat it up, I can imagine the headlines now.”

“Councilwoman daughter hires lady of the night!” She spoke in an announcers’ voice,” Will her desires be satiated?!”

“True.” Marceline snorted at her friend’s antics,” I don’t have anyone to scold me so-”

“No need.” Albert raised his hand to halt her next words,” I’ll handle it.”

It looked like she had some questions as to how he would paying for such a service but decided not to pry in the end. He couldn’t help but sigh in relief and be gracious for whatever unspoken rule had kicked. Sure he might like these people but not enough to expose the newly acquired wealth.

‘Okay,’ He admitted to himself,’ Not wealth, but more like a fund.’