The Trashy PD Has To Survive as an Idol

“Kim Jaeyeon, is there really nothing?”

– “There’s really nothing! Why are you suddenly like this?”

“People can’t be completely without flaws. Did you at least try digging something up?”

– “Well, I tried digging, but…”

After wiping a few drops of blood from the back of my hand, I put on my mask and left the restaurant. I chose the least crowded path and called Kim Jaeyeon as I walked.

Fuck… I flinched every time a car came by.

– “They say tons of variety show offers come in because of how much he eats… but he rejects them all.”

“…”

– “…That’s all there is.”

“…I’m going crazy.”

– “Ah, I didn’t want to talk about it because I knew you’d react like this.”

Min Jiheon was the real deal. That bastard showed me that himself.

Seeing ghosts? That rumor won’t be effective, right?

Even if people knew Min Jiheon had a strange ability, it wouldn’t really hurt him. Instead, having a rumor of being a club regular would be worse for his image.

I didn’t know how Kim Jaeyeon interpreted my annoyance, but he deflated and said,

– “I’ll contact you if I find something. But I can’t guarantee anything.”

“…Understood. Go and take a look.”

I hung up the call immediately, roughly stuffing my phone into my pocket. As cars passed by, I lowered my head and walked with long strides. Whenever a car quickly sped by the empty road… the accident came to mind, my breath felt heavy, and my hands trembled.

My younger brother… No, no, never mind.

The urge to check up on him welled, but showing him my current state would only cause more worry. He already embraced all the world’s worries… there’s no need to add mine to the mix.

…Let’s go back. Sleep and think later.

My thoughts were tangled, and I couldn’t properly sort through the situation. I kept muttering curses, and I closed my mouth as soon as I entered the dorm. Kang Ichae, who had heard the door open, came out of the room with headphones hanging around his neck.

“Mom, the gorgeous 20-something rapper came to visit.”

“…Ugh.”

“Did you have fun at the audition~?”

Kang Ichae was babbling nonsense like usual, but I was too shocked to think of a proper response. As I tried to pass by with a vague answer, Kang Ichae stopped and furrowed his eyebrows.

“…?”

“…What.”

“What’s this?”

At the moment when Kang Ichae seemed to say something after scanning me up and down…

“Why are you breathing so heavily—”

Beeeeeeeeep!

Shit.

A car horn honked outside.

“…”

I thought it was another hallucination, so I tried to hide my trembling hands and maintain my expression. Kang Ichae took a step back and glanced out the window.

Of course, there was a car outside.

“What’s up with that car?”

Kang Ichae could see and hear it too.

It’s not a hallucination or delusion.

“Uh, it’s… it’s a bit noisy.”

“…”

“…Ugh.”

I tried to speak calmly, but no sound came out of my throat. It was a familiar sensation. I suddenly felt like I was screwed.

“Hey, Kang… Kang Ichae, Ichae.”

And then I finally realized the state I was in. I was fine just a moment ago, but after hearing that car, my fingertips turned pale, and my breath hitched. Without even having the time to check Kang Ichae’s expression, I asked for help.

“Just a moment, just a moment… I, uh…”

“…”

“What is it? Tell me…”

A plastic bag, I needed a plastic bag so I could breathe more easily…

My mind was so frazzled that I couldn’t tell if what I was saying made sense or who I was directing my words to.

“Fuck… Shit…”

The sound of a horn kept squeezing through my fingers. It was a sound I had heard countless times, but it was so identical to the one I heard when I was twenty…

The sound of tires skidding, smashing into the guardrail, the echoing screams… The scene I saw earlier flashed before like it was real.

“…”

Suddenly, something was pushed in front of my mouth.

When I felt it with my hand, it rustled. It was a plastic bag. Without even saying thank you, I snatched the bag, put it to my mouth, and repeated inhaling and exhaling.

Slowly, slowly… exhale.

Remembering what the counselor had emphasized before… deep and calm…

“…Fuck….”

It’s okay, it’s fine…

My racing heart gradually calmed down. I crouched down, holding onto the bag as if it were a lifeline, and breathed.

…Honestly, I didn’t know how long I had been like this.

“…”

By the time I regained my senses, I was alone.

The curtains were drawn, the window was closed, and the blaring horn had stopped.

The bag had the logo of the convenience store I often visited. I stared blankly at the crumpled bag and clenched my blue, bruised hand.

It stopped.

…It seemed like I was okay now.

After regaining my senses, the first words that came out were…

“…Fuck.”

…As expected, it was a curse.

At the same time, I crumpled and threw the bag into the corner. I felt like I was going insane.

“Fuck! Fuck! This disgusting…!”

I screamed and spat like a madman for a while, then buried my face in my hands.

“That, that son of a bitch….”

That’s right, I could gain nothing by doing this.

For quite a while, I did some deep breathing but finally stood up. As it was, I dragged myself to my room, sat on the bed frame, and sorted my thoughts.

Pushed to the edge, my thoughts had lost balance and spread all over, but now my clouded mind seemed to gradually return.

And then I realized.

…Am I screwed right now?

Kang Ichae saw everything.

Kang Ichae… Shit, if he told the team members about this, I’d be finished.

How could they accept me as a team member if I couldn’t concentrate on anything because of hyperventilation? How could they trust and rely on someone so flawed?

I caused such a commotion during Shining Star… Now that it was revealed, I couldn’t act boldly anymore. No matter what I do, everyone would obviously tell me to go to the hospital.

I…

I didn’t have time or leisure for that.

At that moment, the door suddenly opened with a bang.

Jeong Dajun, Kim Seonghyeon, and Kang Ichae entered all at once… Jeong Dajun plopped down next to me and barked.

“Hoyun-hyung! Did you take good care of your dongsaeng?”

“Wait, hey, Dajun, aren’t those my headphones? You said you’d borrow them, but you still haven’t given them back.”

“Hehe, hyung. What’s yours and mine between us?”

As usual, I watched the noisy members with half my mind somewhere else, but I didn’t feel as uneasy or strange as before. Jeong Dajun grinned and bickered with Kim Seonghyeon.

“Yeah, there’s no yours and mine… only yours.”

“Hehe, you found out.”

While admiring the headphones, Jeong Dajun suddenly turned to Kang Ichae.

“Ichae-hyung, who were you talking with downstairs earlier?”

“Oh, that car with the blaring horn?”

Seong Jiwon peeked through the open door and spoke.

“Ichae was really angry. Did you tell them to turn it off?”

The members’ gazes all focused on the silent Kang Ichae. I thought about whether I should say that at that moment that I was lying on the living room floor, holding a plastic bag and putting on a show when…

“…No~.”

The answer that came was unexpected.

“It’s just that the neighbors have no manners.”

Kang Ichae… pretended not to know.

“Well, that’s true. It was noisy.”

Everyone nonchalantly moved on from that subject. Kang Ichae stood there, slightly annoyed, not even glancing at me.

When my mind finally cleared, I roughly understood the situation.

…I guess he’s trying to keep it a secret.

He must have noticed my trauma after seeing me panicking when I talked about my parent’s deaths in the car accident last time.

It was a considerate gesture.

But my mood was still terrible.

“What should we do today since it’s our day off? Should we practice more?”

“Yeah, finally! Dajun has some motivation.”

“Gosh…! What did I just say? Practicing on a day off?”

“You’ve been brainwashed.”

I never thought that incident would affect me again.

Who would have imagined that my trauma button would be triggered by the sound of a car engine, considering I even once had a thrilling joyride in a borrowed van?

“…”

I wiped off the cold sweat trickling down my forehead and lay on the bed.

Honestly, I was exhausted.

It’s only natural. After having a bizarre experience and screaming my head off, I even had trouble breathing…

Jeong Dajun seemed to lose interest in his headphones. He tossed them on the bed and moved to sit in a chair, spinning around while hugging the backrest.

“Hoyun-hyung! Hyung, when will the results come out?”

“What… results?”

“The first round of drama auditions!”

I had completely forgotten. I let out a sigh and buried my face in the pillow.

“You did great, right? Hyung, you’re perfect for the role of Lee Jeonghun! They should just accept you based on your looks alone! Just go and do as you always do, and they’ll be like, ‘Oh? This guy is Lee Jeonghun! He’s in!'”

“…”

“Hey, Dajun, calm down a bit.”

The other members sensed my bad mood and tried to restrain Jeong Dajun, but even though they tried to calm him down, he still couldn’t take a hint and continued to be overly excited.

“If hyung really passes the final round, I should go visit and see Min Jiheon-sunbae~!”

Min Jiheon… That bastard. I won’t be satisfied even if I crushed his bones.

“…”

But I was too weak to argue, so I just sighed and buried my face deeper into the pillow. Finally, Jeong Dajun seemed to notice something was off and stopped bouncing around.

“…Dajun.”

“Yes, y-yes?”

My voice sounded unusually sharp and rough. I didn’t even look at Jeong Dajun as I spoke.

“Sorry, but could you leave?”

“…”

“Hyung is a bit tired.”

I usually spoke harshly, yet I still cared about Jeong Dajun in my own way. I was never the type to act this weak, so Jeong Dajun seemed quite taken aback and didn’t know what to say. Then he asked quietly,

“What happened?”

Normally, even if I got into an accident, I would have said, “It’s not like I caused it,” and would have stroked his head to lighten the mood, but I didn’t feel like it.

No, I didn’t have the strength.

The other members noticed my condition was worse than they thought. After exchanging glances, they carefully pushed Jeong Dajun out of the room with a smile.

” Jeong Dajun, today’s not the day. Please leave, please leave.”

“…Yes.”

“Hoyun, rest well~.”

Although I thought I should go out and lighten the mood, I had neither the energy nor any excuses.

…What should I say?

That I saw my parents’ accident again because of Min Jiheon’s power and had a panic attack?

“That’s crazy…”

Never mind. Let’s just leave it for now. No matter how much I considered them like younger siblings, they were still four grown men. They were simple-minded and would soon forget about it, bouncing around in the living room again. I sighed and pulled up the blanket.

Squeak.

The door opened. Without opening my eyes, I could tell who it was just by the sound of their footsteps.

Thump. Shuffle.

Kang Ichae returned and sat on the chair, but he never asked me, “What happened?” or “Are you alright?” until the end. He just took a quick glance to see if I was alive and then went back to immersing himself in composing.

It was only after a while that I managed to open my mouth after washing my face.

“…Thank you.”

“…”

“You saved my life, hyung.”

I tried to make a simple joke, but Kang Ichae said nothing. He just stared at the monitor, waiting for me to speak.

“But how did you know I needed the plastic bag?”

I stumbled and asked for help like an idiot, and I wondered how on earth he understood what I needed. I thought he would say something like, “I knew how to deal with it because it’s a super common disease in dramas,” or make up a light-hearted joke to lighten the mood, but… Kang Ichae hesitated unexpectedly.

And then he spoke very cautiously.

“My mom…”

“…”

“My mom went through the same thing….”

Neither Kang Ichae nor I could say anything in response, and our conversation ended there.

And we knew. We knew that for as long as we lived, we wouldn’t tell anyone about this incident and quietly bury it.

The sound of the mouse clicking, the melody lines seeping through the headphones, and the faint conversations coming from the living room filled the silence between us.

.

.

.

A while after I passed out and woke up.

Ding!

A quest arrived.

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