The 'Smart'phone Saga: A Distracted Journey of Spells and Signals

Bouncing on a table carried by an exuberant Clara, the party emerged from the woods into a carrion field. It smelled like a butcher's market had started selling weed, and Clara nearly slipped on a Wyvern’s crystal core. Jasson eyed the crystal as it vanished behind them, then started to spot a dozen in the field around him. Apparently, the blast didn’t shatter monster cores.

Man, Jasson said, they look so valuable. Too bad it’s mostly worthless flux.

Jasson powered on his phone and took a picture, the sky of a dozen lights illuminating the crystals twinkling in a red field as the occasional wagon cast twelfth shadows of gore.

“Hot (*&!” Jasson said, “I did this?! Can I cook or what?!!”

“Please don’t cook monsters,” Clara said from below the bobbing table, “They’re not good for you.”

“And I wouldn’t call this cooking,” Harriett said, “At most this would be considered food preparation.”

Jasson rolled his eyes and said “I didn’t mean it literally. Gross.”

While they were in the woods, Jasson saw some remains falling to the forest floor. But most of the monsters were caught in the canopy, casting strange shadows beneath the raid lights. Meanwhile, the unprotected field was plastered by monster paste, which hopefully would turn into a good fertilizer. Preferably without a plague of Ecoli accompanying it.

As they got closer, they passed a farm with cattle and sheep huddled beneath a barn roof. A few had broken from their enclosures in a panic, most likely the ones being carried away by Wyverns, and were now milling around in damp and sticky shock. The farmers were also milling around outside and were probably wishing for more bloodproof boots at the moment.

Jasson looked away when the farmers turned to look at them, but Harriett stood on the wobbling table and waved.

“You’re welcome!” Harriett shouted. Jasson looked back to see the farmers wave dumbly and noticed that some children were waving from the farmhouse.

“Those sheep were red,” Jasson said, “Does blood stain wool?”

“Yes,” Clara said from below the table, “Terribly. I could never get it out of my favorite sweater.”

The town square glistened beneath the raid lights, blood dripping from roofs as hellish sludge. It was brighter than human blood but stank with a chemical edge reminiscent of skunks. Jasson started praying that clean-up wasn’t part of the deal. But he was currently distracted by the defenses which lay shattered from his attack.

Large umbrella lattices stood, splintered from the force but still strong. They were like a woven basket of six-inch timbers that defended the buildings and forced the wyverns onto the street. Jasson craned his neck at the massive modern art defenses and watched as someone on top repaired the structure. A drop of red slurry and splinters dripped from a fractured end and landed on Jasson’s hand. Ew.

“I’ve never seen anything like this!” Harriet lay flat on the table, enjoying the view, “It’s reminiscent of Eastern construction, but nothing like the buildings in the viewing crystals. I wonder how red it will stain?”

“Hold onto your jaw,” Clara said, “It looks like they have a welcoming party.”

Jasson looked and saw that, in front of the stately city hall, was a rather ruffled-looking man standing beside a cleaner, younger version of himself. Around these well-dressed men were a couple of Water Mages power-washing a reception area, forming a reverse red carpet.

“Hello oh great travelers,” The local lord said, “I am Lord William R. Ippoph. I take it that you are the great souls who slew the swarm?”

“Yup,” Clara said, “All right guys, get off.”

Jasson and Harriett hopped from the table and Clara lowered it, scooping up the unconscious Petra. Jasson made sure to step on the cleaned cobbles, not wanting to stain his shoes. Again.

It took me ages to get that *(&% spider blood out. Jasson thought. I’m not about to do that again.

“Jasson, Harriett,” Clara said, “I leave the introductions to you. I gotta go lay Petra down. Where are our rooms?”

“Of course,” Lord William said, “This is my son Chip. He can show you to your rooms.”

“Perfect.” Clara held Petra with one arm and reached into her Locker, “And here is the quest we have accepted. This is the town of Smill, right?”

“Yes, we are Smill,” Lord William took the paper and looked it over, then visibly relaxed and said, “Oh, you are the adventurers we hired! Fantastic. We- er- don’t have lodging built for you yet but-”

Lord William turned to where Clara had been, but Chip had already led Clara inside and was shutting the door behind them.

“If your companion is injured we have medics,” Lord William turned to Jasson, “And- erm, now that I know you are adventurers I can offer you the Guild rate on healers. One copper a second. Nay, half a copper per second for your gracious selves.

Then the lord waved them into the building. It was half city hall, half medieval keep, and laid low and tough like a skeptical tortoise.

Lord William led them to a small side door, shuffling as he combed his hair a bit flatter and said, “You must forgive me, that blast was quite disturbing to my appearance.”

As they entered the fortress Lord William continued, “And can I say, that was a magnificent display of power! I do say that we owe quite a bit to you, even with the- er- damages from the blast.”

“You’re welcome,” Jasson said, “We’re happy to be staying here. Um… we’re not responsible for cleaning up, are we?”

Lord William waved his hand and said “Absolutely not. Although I’m sorry to say that your quarters aren’t prepared yet. Not that you’ll need them anymore. Poor Scotty was looking forward to building an extra large log cabin on town funding. We really must hold a banquet for the extinction of those fiends, in your honor of course. Some two hundred Wyverns dead is not a small thing.”

Two hundred eh? Jasson thought. Well, I’m not gonna argue with that since the swarm felt endless to me.

“Fantastic,” Jasson said, “Although we’re not in a rush. Umm…”

What did Petra say they needed to do? Stretch out their reason for being there so they have the opportunity to explore the local caves. But the monsters were dead now. Was Clara going to come back?

“We wish that a plague of Wyverns would be that easy to crush,” Harriett said, “But Wyverns are communal nesters. The next generation is out there, along with untold numbers of guarding mothers. Indeed, this quest is only fractionally over. We have only assured a safe night’s sleep and treasure hunting in the woods for years to come.”

“Oh,” the Lord’s face fell, “I see. Well, I wouldn’t want to quit the job half done. Even one hundred dead Wyverns isn’t enough, eh?”

Wait, Jasson thought, didn’t he say two hundred before?

“Not enough by far,” Harriet said, “There are eggs and younglings, and probably half again adults. They won’t be in one place either, this was a mega swarm attacking the town. Probably…oh three times the number tonight? And that’s only if the clutches had two eggs per Wyvern. This will be an enormous task for just four people. Perhaps you have some locals who could help? They might even kill a few themselves.”

“Wow,” the lord’s face had grown tight, “Well I say you definitely earned the reward from that hundred you killed just now. I certainly never knew that they could swarm that big. Fifty whole Wyverns…wow.”

“Oh of course,” Jasson said, “Fifty Wyverns are so easy to mistake for two hund-”

Harriett elbowed Jasson in the ribs and cut him off, saying, “Surely you’ve had swarms like this before. After all, they’re well-documented phenomena. Yes, this is several times bigger, but what were the swarms like before? It couldn’t be less than five times fewer.”

“Umm,” The lord was sweating now, calculating the math in his head like a pudgy scrooge, “they do like to exaggerate the numbers. I’d say we had swarms of…ten? No, five. Definitely swarms of seven or less.”

“Seven?” Harriet said, “I’d hardly consider that a swarm.”

“It’s a lot. These aren’t small monsters.” the lord said, “We spent most of our effort putting the lights and defenses up. It really is amazing how this swarm was five times bigger than normal. Twenty-five whole wyverns, when one is a bane upon the land. Amazing!”.

Lord William’s son emerged from a hallway ahead and stood by his father, saying something quietly into his father’s ear. Meanwhile, Jasson was eyeing the increasingly distasteful lord of this land.

This can’t be right. Jasson thought. The Guild Evaluator gave us a fair reward for the goblins. Surely- ohhh.

After a few seconds, Jasson said, “The Stalt Adventurers Guild’s inspectors don’t come all the way out here, do they?”

“We use ones from a closer branch, much more affordable for everyone.” Lord Will R. Ippoph said, “Did you know, the ones from Stalt charge per mile! And I don’t know what you’re insinuating with that question, young man.”

“You’re not within the legal borders of Stalt, right?” Harriet said, cat-like grin creeping in, “So it’s our word against yours out here.”

“I say, you pick up quickly.” Lord William said, “But I’m sure that you’ll return with a reasonable hundred- no- one hundred and fifty heads worth of gold when you’re done. I’m even willing to put that in writing.”

What the heck? Jasson thought. Isn’t he afraid that we’ll kill him if he extorts us like that? He seemed pretty intimidated when we first arrived. Are we really not that threatening? I just nuked a swarm of hundreds!

“I’m sure you are,” Harriet said perkily, “Well, we can’t argue with that. We’ll total things up when we’re done, but go ahead and have your scribes draft that up and send it over for us to sign.”

“Excellent,” the lord sagged in relief, then motioned to Chip, “Now my son will escort you to your rooms.”

As they followed the boy out Jasson hissed to Harriet and said “That wasn’t you wanting to make this harder was it? We really need the cash!”

“Trust me,” Harriet grinned, “I’m proving myself. And yes, that involves getting as much money out of this as possible.”

Jasson hesitated, then grinned. Harriet had an evil smile and fire in her eyes.

Yeah, Jasson thought, this will work out.

Chip T. Ippoph was nothing but courteous as he escorted them to their rooms. He even apologized for having only two bedrooms available. Harriett was excited to get crammed into the biggest room with the other two girls, saying something about a slumber party. Jasson watched as Harriett flung the door open, and he caught a glimpse of Clara sitting dutifully by Petra’s side, massive sword in hand.

Once the door shut, Chip turned to Jasson and said “Miss Clara informed me that you have a magical device that needs to be charged with lightning. I am not the best at this, but if you are willing then I may offer some aid.”

“Oh,” Jasson made sure his phone was locked and handed it over, “Sure, as long as it’s free. Just use the oval hole on the bottom.”

“As you wish,” Chip took Jasson’s phone and analyzed it, then pressed a larger crystal against the port. The crystal glowed and electricity arced to the port, and Jasson’s phone lit up. But after a few seconds, Chip shook his hands out and handed the phone back.

“I’m afraid that’s all I can really do,” Chip said, “It is difficult to balance charging the device and hitting it with lightning. Plus it makes my hands go numb.”

“Oh,” Jasson said, “That’s fine. Forty percent is more than enough for tonight. Thank you.”

Chip nodded and said, “This door here is your room. The key should be on your pillow. I will ask the cook to bring along a late dinner for you four.”

“Thanks,” Jasson said, “Although you probably only need food for three. I’m sure that Petra won’t be waking up for a while.”

“I should think not,” Chip said, “But I’m hardly going to withhold our meager meals from the wielder of such brilliant light magics. Have a good night.”

He thinks that Petra did it. Jasson thought. That- that’s probably for the best. Whoever is threatening the twins shouldn’t recognize Petra from a missile of light.

Jasson watched the man leave and smiled. Maybe the next ruler wouldn’t be as bad.

Jasson skipped, pushing into his room and locking the door behind him. He flung himself onto the bed, landing in a whump of softness. After rolling around for a bit, Jasson sat up and sighed.

His own room. A soft bed. Clean sheets.

“Eoamph!” Jasson groaned as he stretched, “Coming here was a great idea.”