The 'Smart'phone Saga: A Distracted Journey of Spells and Signals

There are many ways to travel in the multiverse. From a spaceship that is ‘everywhere all at once’ to flying au naturale, save for a bit of spandex. But currently, on the fantastical earth Jasson was occupying, one especially odd method was being used. Soaring above jagged mountain peaks, an unusual party flew on what was most assuredly not a magic carpet.

“I didn’t know that it could get this big,” Jasson shouted over the whipping winds.

“It’s the extra leaves,” Clara said beside him, “We don’t use them most of the time, but they really add up, don’t they? Able to accommodate a shocking number of people.”

“I have to say,” Harriett said, “This is an amazing way to get around! Much better than the cushy flying coaches. I love how hard it is to hold on, and how one mistake can send me spiraling to my doom with no hope of rescue. ”

“That’s why you’ve got a rope tying you to the leg,” Clara said, “I fell off once and Petra banged me up against a few mountains before she noticed. Might have been on purpose.”

“It was not!” Petra said, and their platform lurched nauseatingly.

“Stop talking,” Petra licked her lips, “You’re making it hard to drive.”

Everyone froze, holding their breath as Petra got the rocking table under control. Jasson braced himself against what little he could but felt like he was on a roller coaster without the safety bars. He held the leg tightly, digging his fingers into the wood as he spread his feet for balance.

After Jasson stopped shaking he said, “I did wonder why you had a table and no chairs. Nice hardwood too.”

“Yup,” Clara said, “We flew into Stalt on it. Very nice.”

They flew in on it, Jasson thought. So this was their transportation more than for eating on. It's massive and intricately made, with even the legs having elegant designs of plants and stuff carved into it. But…the table’s not new. It’s gouged and scorched and there’s a hole in one of the leaves. What…

“So this table is from your home?” Jasson said, “The home that you left to come here?”

Clara stopped and looked to Petra, then said “Yes, but you need to ask questions later. You wouldn’t want Petra to crash the table, would you?”

Jasson nodded and resumed holding desperately to a table leg, saying “Absolutely not.”

Unaided, Petra was only able to fly herself and maybe one other person over long distances, but the larger surface area of the table more than made up for the weight. It made sense to Jasson, although Petra couldn’t quite believe that he could understand something this complex. The physics were familiar from school, and they’d even had a fun experiment making little hovercrafts using a balloon.

Although…now that Jasson thought about it though, it didn’t make quite as much sense. That was for hovering, not flying through the sky. Wasn’t that a…what was it called? The shape that lets wings on planes work? A foil? Airfoil. They needed wings, right?

The table shifted, lurching in the air as Jasson squeaked, hoping that his skepticism wouldn’t cause everything to stop working. There was a reason this worked, right? How did Petra fly without wings? Was the air pushing up, like in those sky-diving wind tunnels?

“Petra,” Clara said, “I don’t think it’s us talking that’s making you swerve. You’re getting tired, aren’t you?”

Petra said, “I’m fine!”

Jasson swiveled, eyes bulging at the thought of a drowsy flyer. Yeah, if Petra swerved they wouldn’t hit anyone. But a slight twist…well Jasson didn’t trust the ropes to hold them in. At least they didn’t have any baggage thanks to Petra and Clara’s Lockers.

“Yeah Petra,” Jasson said, “Pull ove- eh- pull down if you’re tired. No sense in pushing ourselves too hard. It’s not like we’re competing with anyone.”

“I told you,” Petra said, “I’m fine!”

“Petra,” Clara said, “Please. If you need to-”

“I have to use the bathroom!” Jasson declared, “Soon. Please find a place to land that has space and preferably a tree.”

Petra shot Jasson a dirty look before saying “All right, time to take a break.”

Then the table dropped twenty feet.

Jasson felt the disconcerting feeling of his legs no longer resting on the wood of the table. A scream disappeared into the rushing air, but Jasson was too busy death gripping the table leg to realize that the scream was his. He swung, only his straining white knuckles holding him to the table as his legs twisted and flung in the air. Harriett passed by him, laughing as she floated up and her tether pulled taught. Then Jasson made the very unfortunate decision to look over the edge of the table.

Oh gods, Jasson thought, nonononONONONONONONO!

The world spread below in rapidly approaching detail, a granite ridge being the closest at hand. Jasson’s hands trembled, his legs kicking as he hauled himself down to the table as if he were climbing an invisible ladder. Then his pinky fingers gave out, and the rest of his digits started to slip one by one until-

WHOOMPH!

The world jolted and Jasson felt himself plaster into the table and table leg. Panic pumped his lungs in dry gasps like a wiener dog after a marathon. Head spinning, Jasson waited for either his senses or Charon, whichever came first.

I wish I had the money for Charon, Jasson wheezed. I mean… ten thousand dollars? Is he out of his mind?! I guess he only has half a brain.

The table jerked lightly and Petra said “Here we are. One bathroom break, as requested.”

“Too late,” Jasson groaned, “Just kidding. But please don’t do that again.”

Jasson peeled himself off the leg and looked blearily around. He was on solid ground, about twenty feet deep of it. They were on some kind of a ledge, craggy granite pitted and filled with loose stones from harsh winters. The ledge stretched half a football field long and was populated by a single tree.

“Dang,” Jasson said, “Nice place. I wonder if they have a brochure.”

“Shut it.” Petra said, “And get off so I can flip the table over. If you’re gonna waste my time I might as well get a bit of this rest you two keep pestering me about.”

Jasson rolled numbly from the table and climbed to his feet. He stepped away and watched as the others pulled Harriett from where she was plastered against the table. Finally, Clara just picked up the table and flipped it over, shaking until Harriett flopped off.

“Is she…alive?” Jasson said.

“She’s fine,” Clara set the table down and pulled Harriett out, “There you go Petra. I have to go to the bathroom too, so it’ll be a while.”

Petra mumbled something as she climbed under the table, and Jasson looked at Clara and shrugged.

“Well, go on,” Clara said, “I have some wipes for when you’re done.”

Jasson went to finish his business. When he returned Harriett was bouncing around the landing site, bubbling about the fall and how the force had been stronger than she thought.

“I’ll have to practice jumping off more roofs,” Harriett said, jumping from a boulder and landing easily, “I don’t think my legs are strong enough to handle that right now.

“Let’s not do that right now,” Jasson said, stretching his arms and looking out over the mountain range. The view was breathtaking in a different way from before, the type of sight that makes you want to just sit in wonder.

“Where-” Jasson started to say when Clara giggled and caught the bounding Harriett, pointing at Jasson’s face.

“What?” Jasson demanded.

“You’ve…eh…you’ve got something on your face,” Clara said.

“What?” Jasson wiped his face, “It’s not a bug is it?”

“No,” Harriett snickered and said, “You could say that it leaves quite the impression.”

“Oh, that’s a good one,” Clara reached into the spiraling void of her Locker and pulled out a mirror, “Here Jasson, take a look.”

Jasson snatched the mirror and looked at his face, flushing red from embarrassment as he saw the impression of grapes and wine from the carvings on the table leg. But with the distortion of his face and the snickering laughs of the girls-

“Oh shut up!” Jasson rubbed at the red and white design, “Very mature.”

“The wine’s matured,” Harriett said, “But I must agree. This is hardly behavior fit for-”

Harriett stopped, then looked around her and grinned saying “Actually, I’m gonna wake Petra up to show her.”

“Better not,” Clara caught Harriett’s arm, “She’s trying to sle- I mean she’s watching the back of her eyelids. Besides, it’s my turn for the bathroom. Here’s the wipe, Jasson.”

Jasson took a damp hankey and wiped off his hands, pointedly turning his back away from the tree and facing Harriett.

“Hey Harriett,” Jasson said, “Where is this town we’re going to? Smill? Just how far is it?”

“Let me see…” Harriett said, poking her cheek as she thought, “Smill isn’t in Stalt’s territory, I know that. But it should be within the Guild’s territory since we got the quest. I believe the Adventurer’s Guild surveys extend to the entire A`hk`aka Mountain Range, which is because of the threat. There are so many monsters in those mountains that the other cities can’t handle quests from there very often. Stalt’s Adventurer’s Guild is the strongest for a hundred leagues, so they took the A`hk`aka Mountains into their territory. I don’t know the exact location of Smill, but it probably took a week for the quest to get to Stalt. Pretty far all things considered, but nowhere close to the Capital.”

“Wow,” Jasson said, looking up from his phone, “Didn’t answer my question, but you know a lot about this. You must have had a pretty good education growing up.”

A suspiciously good one. Jasson thought. Probably a noble or merchant of some kind. Wasn’t there some kind of group of nobles going on a hunt by those goblins? I hope we don’t get into trouble because of her.

Harriet grinned proudly and said “I studied the Adventurer’s Guild in great detail before leaving home. Even interviewed a ton of adventurers, although I hadn’t been in the guild before today.”

“Oh, that reminds me.” Jasson said, “So, I’ve been meaning to ask someone this. Petra doesn’t know but… how do people actually rise in rank? I’ve completed two quests already, and yet I’m still a Driftwood adventurer.”

“Oo,” Harriett said, “Okay. So, the thing is that rising in rank is something that takes time. You said that you’ve only been doing this for less than a week. It generally takes an entire week of going in every day before you raise your rank.”

Jasson nodded and said, “Well, it’s a good thing we grabbed this quest so we’re not relying on me raising my rank.”

“Well no,” Harriett said, “you want to get up there. Lead rank at least. That’s where the real quests are.”

“What?” Jasson said, “I thought that that’s what the quest board was for. Are you telling me that there’s a secret board in the back?”

“Kinda,” Harriett said, “the ones they stick out there are the unmanaged quests. Ones that they can afford to have unprepared people go for. The other quests are separated by ranks, save for quests that can be completed by large parties. They probably thought a good ten or fifteen people would show up for this quest, which probably means that there are over a hundred Wyverns in the mountains around them. I honestly don’t know why it was on that board. Usually, it’s lead or below difficulty monsters, at least according to the books. I had to grab it.”

“Okay,” Jasson said, “Go back. What’s the point of getting to lead ranks?”

“Oh,” Harriett said, “haven’t you wondered why there’s no powerful people struggling for the urgent quests? No titan steamrolling you on their way to the board? It’s because all the Metal rankers are given their own lists. For Copper Adventurers and below, the attendants inform them of the available quests for their level and under. Like, a Tin adventurer can get a quest ranked at Tin or Lead difficulty. The Adventurers ranked above Copper get contacted directly by the Guilds and offered the quests. Then there’s the Crown Adventurers.”

Harriet smiled, giddy as she said “I want to get to their level. It’s the highest in all Adventurer’s Guilds. At least five times higher than a simple Gold ranker. Only in the Guilds does a Crown coin still get the respect it once did.”

“Crown coins?” Jasson said, “Like gold coins but more?”

“Yeah,” Harriett sighed, “The Five Point Crown coin, worth five gold coins. Unfortunately, inflation has made them worth one-hundredth of their original price. Only in the guild, which uses the same ranking system as coins, does the Crown still get respect. One of the only things which still remains quality from the old days.”

Five times twenty, Jasson thought, so about a hundred bucks? One hundredth the worth, so…10k? Wow.

Jasson said, “So how much would I- would we make per quest at Copper rank?”

“Oh,” Harriett said, waving a dismissive hand, “A few hundred gold coins for everyone. Copper is only sixth up in metals so it’s not crazy yet.”

“Um,” Jasson said, “Are you aware of how much we need to survive winter?”

“No,” Harriett said, “Architectural supply was never my strong suit. How much is it?”

“I don’t know,” Jasson said, “But I get the feeling that it’s a lot. Like, we need to properly work with foundations and stuff. I heard something like one thousand gold for just making it through the winter, never mind finishing.”

“Oh,” Harriett said, “I- I guess I’ll be fine with that.”

Jasson huffed and said, “Why do you say it like that?”

“Oh, you know.” Harriett huffed and looked off to the side, “It’s just a bit easy. That’s all.”

Jasson thought for a quick second before saying “You know, I personally think that Petra is being optimistic. What does- er… two hundred crowns even buy these days? Plus, that’s counting on us to do all the labor. But we can’t go on quests like this if we’re too busy building the house.”

Harriet perked up and Jasson kept going, saying “Yeah. Don’t get me wrong, building the house by ourselves would be very hard. Especially as the snow starts to numb our fingers in early winter. But compared to conquering vast nests of powerful monsters? Exploring dungeons and claiming treasures from an era before our imagining- well it’s a lot more dangerous than hitting your thumb with a hammer. I understand Petra’s desire to be safe, and I’d rather save money building the manor in relative safety, but I don’t think that will be enough money. We’ll just have to keep going on more quests with more dangerous monsters…maybe we won’t even live to see winter.”

I never thought being negative would be helpful, Jasson thought as Harriet’s eyes started to sparkle.

Jasson sighed and powered on his phone. He’d been charging it but turned it off so he could use both hands to hold on. Seventy-six percent. Not bad. And if his theory was right then-

“Yup,” Jasson said, grinning widely “three bars.”

Jasson ran a speed test, something that he’d started doing more often, and raised his eyebrows. Wow. It had been 70 Mbps with just Clara and Petra, but with Harriett here it was now up to 85 Mbps. So the relationship depth really did have something to do with signal. Maybe… 35 Mbps for each twin and 15 for Harriett? That felt about right for their relationship.

“Let’s see,” Jasson said, “What should I do now?”

Ding

Jasson looked at his notifications and saw Do-A-Lingo pop up with the cheerful green anthropomorphic bat waving at him.

Hi, Lingo here.

It’s Saturday, a great time to take five minutes and start learning Spanish!

“You’re kidding me!?” Jasson said, “I’ve beyond started it! I had over two hundred days and you $^%*& forgot it!”

Jasson opened the app, intending to turn off notifications, but paused. As far as he knew, there was no language on Earth called “Greenish”, but here was a cheerful little button to learn “Greenish”.

“Hey Harriett,” Jasson said, “What language do we speak in Stalt?”

“Greenish,” Harriett said, “Are you okay? Do you need to lie down?”

“No, I’m fine,” Jasson said, staring at the option. His embarrassment from being unable to write his own name came back to him. His blind grabbing of any quest and reliance on TrainSlate, stumbling along like an illiterate fool.

Jasson flattened his lips to a curl and he sneered at the app. He would not be an illiterate imbecile forever.

Two Do-A-Lingo lessons and ten Tiktiks later, Clara came back from an exceptionally long bathroom trip. Petra scrambled from below the table, rubbing the “not-sleep” from her eyes as she berated Clara for slowing them down so much.

“I have an idea to make up the time,” Petra said, grabbing the table legs, “Clara, give me a hand.”

Together they pushed the table, wood grinding against stone as they made their way to the cliff. Petra stopped with nearly half the table teetering off the edge, then turned and grinned evilly at Jasson.

“Come on, hop in.” Petra said, “It won’t fall yet.”

“Absolutely!” Harriett said, hopping in and tying her rope, “I love how risky this is.”

“Umm,” Jasson said, “Why are we doing this?”

“Because it takes a lot of energy to take off,” Petra said, “so I figured that sliding off the cliff would be easier. Besides, there’s something else I want to try. Or would you rather walk?”

Jasson barely caught himself from looking over the edge and forced himself onto the table. This was his only option for getting off the mountain alive but safely was a different question. He tied more knots than ever before as the table teetered ever so gently in the breeze.

“All right everyone,” Petra said, their table nearly tipping off the edge of the cliff, “Hold on. I think that I can get us there today if I push myself.”

“Um,” Jasson said, “You know that taking breaks is a healthy part of- AAEEEEE!”

Jasson felt a sharp wind push against his back, forcing him forward with the entire table as they tipped off the cliff. Being in the back of the exceptionally long table, Jasson had a nice view of steep and tumbly doom as the table ground against the stone before slipping off into thin air.

And kept falling.

Jasson tried to scream again but found his stomach tangled in his throat, clutching the table leg and crossing his legs reflexively. But, unlike the freefall earlier, Jasson’s butt didn’t leave the table. Tentatively untangling his terror, Jasson felt exhilarated as the wind whipped through his hair in the longest slide of his life.

Unfortunately, they got faster.

“We’ll climb slowly,” Petra shouted over the wind, “And we’ll lose a bit of the speed we gained. It’s harder than normal, but this will be faster so we should make it by nightfall.”

“Ah…Petra.” Clara said, “We don’t have your defense against the wind. I’m fine but Jasson’s fingers are white and Harriet’s…smiling. Which isn’t good at these speeds.”

Jasson turned and saw Harriett grinning wide as she held on, the wind inflating her cheeks so they rippled. He saw a bug plaster on her white teeth and she laughed.

“Ahhahah-hurg!”

Harriet coughed as another bug flew into her throat, then said “This is the best!”

“We should really slow down,” Clara said, “and Jasson agrees with me.”

“Harriet likes this, so it’s two to two,” Petra said, “and my vote counts twice since I’m driving. We’ll be there by nightfall.”

Dang, Jasson thought. I need another person on my side. Preferably a dude.