The Saga of Tanya the Merciless

[SYSTEM STARTUP ATTEMPT 1... FAILED]

[SYSTEM STARTUP ATTEMPT 2... FAILED]

[SYSTEM STARTUP ATTEMPT 3... WHY BOTHER...]

Dr. Heinrich Weber stared into the void above his bed, contemplating how thoroughly existence had betrayed him. The morning light felt like another personal attack. Even the darkness didn't want him.

[MEMORY ACCESS... UNFORTUNATELY LOADING...]

[ACCESSING FILE: Why Everything Is Worse Now]

- Location: Hell (Processing Plant 7)

- Time: Another Day

- Mental State: Void

- Current Status: Still Here

He didn't even have the comfort of being a failure. The universe wouldn't grant him that mercy. No, every step deeper into the abyss somehow turned into another breakthrough:

[SEQUENCE RECONSTRUCTION...]

Tried to hide from existence in chemical storage Knocked over shelf while looking for dark corner Grabbed random bottles hoping one was poison Slipped in despair, hit camera activation Fell into containment vat hoping for end Created perfect separation process instead Even the security footage mocked him by working

[ERROR LOG: What They Saw]

- "Revolutionary methodology!"

- "Unprecedented efficiency!"

- "Glory to the Reich!"

[REALITY CHECK: What Actually Happened]

- Wanted eternal sleep

- Got eternal responsibility

- Everything hurts

- Still here

- Why still here

[INCOMING MEMORY: Their Interpretation]

"Dr. Weber's dedication is inspiring! Working through the night, testing processes personally, ensuring complete documentation! The Reich needs more men like him!"

The Reich needed better aim. He'd tried explaining he was just looking for a quiet place to disappear. They'd called it "intensive focus." He'd pointed out he was trying to drink chemicals. They'd praised his "hands-on approach."

[SUICIDE ATTEMPTS: ALL FAILED SUCCESSFULLY]

Attempt 1: Drank experimental mixture

Result: Created new preservation method

Attempt 2: Jumped into waste processing

Result: Discovered filtration breakthrough

Attempt 3: Tried to electrocute self

Result: Invented new power efficiency

[WARNING: Continuing to Exist Despite Best Efforts]

"Even Dr. Weber's accident prevention systems improve efficiency! Such foresight!"

[INTERNAL RESPONSE: VOID SCREAMING]

The darkness kept betraying him. Every attempt to embrace it turned into light. He'd reorganized chemical storage while searching for something lethal - they'd implemented his system Reich-wide. He'd knocked over toxic samples hoping for exposure - discovered new compounds instead. He'd thrown himself down stairs - found new structural improvement opportunities.

[SYSTEM ANALYSIS: The Eternal Cycle]

What He Attempted:

Find peaceful end Embrace sweet release Seek final rest Accident involving chemicals Maybe poison Please just let it end Why won't anything work

What They Recorded:

Dedicated research Process improvement Safety innovations Chemical breakthroughs Efficiency optimization Endless success Glory to Reich

[ERROR: EXISTENCE CONTINUING]

[WARNING: STILL CONSCIOUS]

[CRITICAL: PROMOTION INCOMING]

Even the void didn't want him. He'd hidden in the darkest corner of the processing center - optimized the lighting system by accident. Every attempt to fade away only made him more visible.

[SYSTEM COMPARISON: Hell vs Reality]

Hell:

- Sweet release

- Eternal darkness

- Final rest

Reality:

- Endless meetings

- Constant praise

- More responsibility

[DAILY SCHEDULE LOADING...]

- 0900: Contemplate void

- 1000: Void creates breakthrough

- 1100: Seek eternal rest

- 1200: Find process improvement

- 1300: Try to disappear

- 1400: Accidentally visible

- 1500: Attempt final solution

- 1600: Solution works wrong way

The universe wouldn't even let him be properly depressed. His security footage of despair had become motivation footage. His attempts at self-destruction had become safety protocols. His search for darkness had improved facility lighting.

[SYSTEM NOTE: Existence.exe Is Corrupted]

Each attempt at oblivion created life. Every try at darkness made light. Every effort to end created new beginnings. Death itself apparently had better things to do than deal with him.

[END OF DAY DIAGNOSTICS]

- Will to Live: None

- Continued Existence: Forceful

- Distance from Void: Increasing

- Desire for End: Maximum

- Universe's Cruelty: Infinite

[INITIATING SHUTDOWN SEQUENCE]

[LOADING TOMORROW'S EXISTENCE...]

[ERROR: CONSCIOUSNESS PERSISTS]

The Reich's most unwillingly alive genius pulled the void over his head, dreaming of sweet oblivion. Somewhere, Tanya was probably singing about his safety innovations while he just wanted the safety to finally, finally fail.

[EMERGENCY SHUTDOWN INITIATED]

[LOADING TOMORROW'S CONSCIOUSNESS...]

[please just let it end]

[but it won't]

[it never does]