LIGHTNOVELONLINE 1.60 Feelings?
I skittered back as fast as I could, not even bothering to think about what I would do with my evolution points or my next evolution.
Evolutions be damned. I had other things keeping me occupied at the moment.
My feelings…
I didn’t know what to think about them. This was totally new for me. Yet, it was familiar, but not quite the same. It’s been too long since I felt anything like this, and I had a hard time figuring out if it was what I thought it was.
I knew what my parents provided me was called love. They wanted me to be happy, see me smile, and pretty much all the things I was feeling right now. I didn’t know if it was quite the same, though. My only experience on the subject was from two books that I got my hands on a long time ago while I was in the military. Even though it wasn’t prominent, In both books were brief passages where love was described. Those passages were what I was currently comparing my feelings to.
Maybe it was just friendship. I just felt there was something more, at least from my side, but I didn’t know…
And it scared me.
How would this even work? I couldn’t even talk to Cellestra properly. Not to speak about the fact that I wasn’t even an elf anymore.
It hurt to think about that. There was no way this could at any time work like those romance novels.
I didn’t know what to think. I didn’t know what to do.
Would Cellestra know?
What would she think if I told her about how I felt? Would she be scared? Would she no longer want anything to do with me?
I did not want to ruin whatever I had built up with her. I decided I would leave it for now and try to figure out for myself if this had anything to do with romantic feelings. I had felt them for a few days already, but, thinking about it now… in my mind, I didn’t have any explanation for what it could be otherwise.
I had never loved in my old life. I didn’t even know I had the capacity to. I didn’t even know the meaning behind the words, except from what I had always thought to be exaggerations in fiction.
Yet here I was, doing the exact same thing the characters in those books did; thinking about how to make the other person happy and be with them…
Worries and confusion plagued my trip back. I managed to stay alert just enough to not run into any real danger. It didn’t help that I had so much time to think about things. The trip back was several hours and things kept getting worse as I created scenarios in my head that I knew would never come to pass.
Such as giving her a proper hug…
I knew the blessing told me that I would be able to smile when I got speech, but I started to worry about how that would look. A spider smiling… I didn’t know if it would be a pleasant sight.
Why can’t you give me more information on what my final evolution looks like, Elysa?
Nothing but silence…
This was just great…
As if I didn’t have enough to worry about, another thought entered my mind. Back in my old life, and not that it applied to me in the first place, same-sex relationships, at least in the military, were outlawed. I had never understood the meaning or the need to, until now. These thoughts were highly distracting.
Maybe that was one of the reasons I’d never received an injury, at least until the final day of my life. I never had anything to distract me from the task at hand.
What a struggle this new life was. I never would have expected things to turn out this way. In a way, I was glad they did. These feelings were wondrous to experience. It’s just that the worries, fear, and desperation that came with them were almost unbearable.
I wanted to get home and see Cellestra. Her smile always managed to cheer me up. I hoped it would wash away at least some of the dread that surrounded me.
My mind also wandered off to Elysa, the goddess, not the blessing. I wondered just how much of an influence she had on whatever was happening to me. She has sent me a message that she couldn’t directly talk to me from her realm, so I doubted she had any effect on me, but I didn’t know for certain.
I would just assume that none of this had anything to do with her.
My mood reached new depths with every step of the way home. When evening fell, and Cellestra’s house finally came into view, my spirits were lifted almost immediately.
I noticed that there was a hole in the grass in front of her house. A spade rested against the wood. It appeared that Cellestra had started digging a hole. I wondered why that was. Did she have to bury something again?
The hole was far too big for that, in my mind. It was about four by four feet and not terribly deep either. I decided I’d just ask her.
The door was open, but I had to walk to the window to get her attention to help me get inside anyway. I didn’t mind waiting another night before my evolution. Whether I did it now or tomorrow morning wouldn’t make much of a difference.
Except that I could spend some more time with the elf…
Cellestra exited the building soon after I’d tapped on the glass.
“Welcome back, Kealyna. I assume you want me to help you get inside?”
I nodded with my pedipalps and she helped me get inside.
It appeared my prediction was right. Just seeing her was enough to soothe my mind. What was once a whirlpool of negative emotions had now been reduced to a slow stream of happiness. Yet, tucked far away in my mind was the inescapable dark thought that I would have to give up on these emotions at some point.
“Did you finally manage to find what you were looking for?” Cellestra said as she walked to the stove.
I wasn’t surprised in the slightest to smell the same smell that filled this room the previous two nights, or had it been three already?
I climbed on the table and gestured yes. Cellestra saw me nod as she opened the stove to check on the meat. After checking, she walked up to me and I felt my heart start to beat faster as she sat down and smiled.
My revelation earlier today had me paying attention to every little thing she did, and my reaction to it. My senses were overwhelmed and I didn’t quite notice the stare the elf was giving me as I sat on the table, unmoving.
“Kealyna? Are you okay?”
I quickly turned my attention to the pieces of paper and started writing up a terrible excuse.
“Am okay. Was thinking about spells.”
“Ah, yeah. Your blessing. It’s become quite an aspect of your life hasn’t it?”
I nodded with my limbs again. It had started to become the driving factor in my life. Calling it an aspect was an understatement.
“Anyway,” Cellestra continued. “You had to kill a bear, if I understood correctly, right? Do tell me how you did it.”
“Used new spell. Lightning arc. Quite strong. Took less than minute to kill bear. Used tree to fire from.”
“You seem to have a habit of climbing trees, don’t you?” Cellestra said with a giggle, causing all sorts of reactions from my heart.
“Trees excellent. Bear could not climb. Pretty easy kill. Can evolve now. Will wait for tomorrow.”
“Speaking about your evolution…” Cellestra said. “I’ve started digging, as you may have seen. I was planning to create a place for you to sleep at night. I’m going to assume you’re going to grow again and, this time, I’m certain you won’t be able to enter the house anymore. It’s not going to be the best, but it’s the least I can do. I hope to finish it tomorrow. I’ve been a bit… occupied today.”
Then her smile returned, wider than ever.
“Look!” She said excitedly as she stood up.
She then stretched her hands forward again, and I saw her start the magical barrier spell. A green sheet of light formed around her frame and then wrapped itself around her body and stayed there before becoming completely transparent. The spell had seemingly disappeared, but I knew this meant it had actually succeeded.
She had managed to cast the spell. Her joy was obvious. It was a shame I wasn’t there to see her first successful cast.
Cellestra sat down again. “I can’t thank you enough for your help.”
“Not a problem. What do you want to learn next?” I asked. “Physical barrier?”
“Hmmm,” Cellestra thought out loud. “That sounds good. I’d like to know if it’s somewhat similar in structure. If it is, I should be able to learn it quickly. If you don’t mind teaching more, I’d like to learn your fireball after.”
That shouldn’t be an issue.
