The King's Remorse

Chapter 7

Welcome to the Badlands

“Fuck,” Myles says, echoing the singular thought bouncing around in my head so fast I’m afraid it might burst from my skull.

The Midnight Wolf is across the Badlands. They’re not on this side of Ragdon. Many have searched for where Arcane came to be when the previous Midnight Wolf died, and no one could find the location. Wherever Midnight Wolves come to be, it’s past the Badlands.

We have to cross it.

I chirp in reply, tightening my wings around us and ducking my head when another gust of wing sends sand skittering across my feathers.

There’s no chill to the wind. It’s a dry heat, one I feel in my bones as it saps the moisture within me. The water I’d just drunk begins to seep from me. I can almost feel it bubbling up from beneath my skin to blow away with the sand blowing through my feathers.

We’re hardly even in the Badlands, and I don’t know how we will cross it.

When the wind dies down and the sand settles back to the ground, I shake out my feathers to let the sand fall free, folding my wings back to my sides and allowing Myles and Wyatt to separate. Phoenix drops the fire barrier he’d thrown up around himself and Ky as he rolls his eyes and snorts, flicking his tail and kicking at the sand with a forepaw. Ky shakes out his fur.

“Well, it looks like we’d better cross the Badlands fast.”

“The question is how, though,” Wyatt says, running their hands through their long hair. “There’s so many risks. Exposure, dehydration, lack of shelter, lack of water, lack of food, sunburn, heatstroke, getting lost.”

“Several of those things are basically the same thing, just with a different name.” Myles brushes sand off his clothes.

I shift back to my human form. Rubbing at my arm, I take a breath.

We will find Alex. We just need a plan. We need a plan to cross the Badlands.

“All can be very serious," Wyatt says. "The symptoms… someone could die so easily. The sun is powerful. No matter how strong someone is, the sun is relentless, and everyone needs food and water. Without either, you can’t live long. And it doesn’t take long for the sun to take its toll. We need a plan if we are going to make it through the Badlands safely.”

“So,” Phoenix starts. “One paw in front of the other and we don’t stop until we’re on the other side. Or, one foot for you humans.”

“That is a very bad idea,” Wyatt replies bluntly.

Ky tilts his head to the side. “We could carry some, but none of us have a bag.”

“Does anyone know the layout of Ragdon?” Myles asks. “Perhaps we don’t even really have to go through the Badlands. Maybe there’s a way around.”

“Cool idea,” Phoenix says. “But do any of us actually know how big the Badlands really is? Maybe it’s not so big that it’s really that much of a concern. Maybe it’ll just be like a half day at most?”

“Whatever we decide, we need water,” Wyatt says.

“Yeah, yeah.”

Phoenix trots up ahead, making his way up the sand to stand atop a sand dune. He slips several times, legs sliding out from beneath him as his paws scrabble for traction on the shifting sand. When he makes it to the top, he looks around, ears swiveling.

“Do you see anything?” Myles calls.

Phoenix turns around and shakes his head. “Nothing other than sand. A shit ton of sand.”

“Grey, can you fly up? Maybe you’ll see something,” Ky says.

I nod. Calling on the dove within me, the bird unfurls its wings beneath my skin, and feathers sprout across my body. The malachite medallion has healed a little more and the shift hurts a little less this time.

At first, I fly up a little ways. The sun beats down from overhead, warming my back in a way that’s somewhere between pleasant and too hot. I flap my wings to stay aloft, then angle myself to catch a current through the air that takes me higher. Golden sand stretches out ahead of me. Ragdon Volcano looms behind me, blocking my view of the King’s castle and the Sea beyond it.

I almost fly down, to tell the group that no, I didn’t see anything. Disappointment wraps itself around my heart like a snake and the dove inside me coos a mournful sound. Except that it also tells me to keep going, to look a little more, to fly a little further. I beat my wings again, despite the ache from the burns. The malachite medallion bounces against my chest with every wingbeat, and I soar across the sky, adjusting my tail feathers with every change in the wind. Further east, along the lowest slopes of Ragdon Volcano, I can see little bits of greenery here and there. To the west, I see more greenery along the coast of Ragdon. When I dive down toward the edge of the island, I see a thin stream, one that looks like it might feed into the bigger one Myles and I sat beside when Ky and Wyatt went to find food.

It might not entirely solve our food problem, but we might have water.

A bit of hope curls around my heart. Perhaps we will be able to cross the Badlands. We’ll make it across, and then we’ll be able to keep searching for Alex and we’ll be able to find my sister.

I circle a few times before diving back down to the group.

“The Badlands is huge,” I say once I’ve shifted back to my human form.

The burns tingle as the malachite medallion continues to slowly heal them. Phoenix squints as he eyes the injuries, and I rock on my feet, tapping my fingers against my thighs.

“Did you see a way we can cross?” Myles asks.

“There are some bushes or something that go at least most of the way around the base of Ragdon Volcano, and along the coast there’s a stream.” I point to the east.

“Water,” Wyatt says. “We’ll need that.”

Ky nods. “It is very important.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Phoenix mutters. “Let’s get going. It’s gonna be dark soon and we still need to find Alex.”

xxxx

We make it to the stream.

It’s less a stream and more a brook, small enough that I can step over it without too much difficulty. However, as Wyatt pointed out upon our discovery of it, water runs freely through it and there’s a handful of plants growing up through the rocks that we can eat.

We walk for the rest of the day, stopping every so often to drink. Progress comes slow with how much the sand moves beneath us and the heat of the sun. Sweat drips down my back, but I ignore the heat and focus on Alex. Ky spends most of the time wading in the river to cool off. Wyatt asks about him creating an illusion for himself, but Ky brushes him off, saying it’s not worth it. Phoenix sends him a funny look, but when Ky shakes his head, Phoenix shrugs.

Phoenix is the only one who’s unbothered. He trots up ahead, then waits for us to catch up.

“You sure you can’t, like, suck up all the heat or something, Phoenix?” Myles asks as we reach the black cat yet again, voice light in a way I know he’s joking.

Ky stiffens, and Phoenix grits his teeth, eyes flashing before his expression evens out into something far too flat that doesn’t feel natural.

“No, I cannot.”

Myles cries out as his foot slips on the sand. He leans on his staff and brushes off his leg. “Fair enough. Thought it was worth asking.”

“I can do a lot, but I’m not that powerful. My powers do not let me control something as vast as the Badlands. You’d have to ask Erebus about that. Pray to them, and maybe they’d listen. If Lucius was willing to bring someone back to life, maybe Erebus will be game for changing up the landscape of their creation.”

I frown but don’t say anything.

“Do you think Lucius or Erebus would help defeat the King?” Wyatt asks.

Phoenix snorts. “Erebus created life. They created everything. And Lucius brings every living thing to death. They both could’ve stopped the cream puff at any time. Erebus could’ve never created the cream puff, and Lucius could’ve taken him from life whenever they wanted, yet neither ever did that. So absolutely the fuck not. It’s on us to take down the cream puff. I’m gonna kill him. Erebus and Lucius had a thousand chances before the cream puff was born, before he took to the Amethyst Throne, and after until now and they haven’t done shit.”

“Why would they kill the King before he had done anything? Why would they kill a child?” I ask.

“Because he’s the cream puff?”

“A child is innocent.” The faces of my students I taught drift through my head, wide eyes that remind me of Astra. Ready to learn, absorbing everything around them whether hate or love.

“That child was the fucking cream puff,” Phoenix snarls, flames sparking with streaks of blue and hints of violet.

How could someone hurt a child?

“A child has not done anything.”

“Of course not. It’s not about what that kid has done; it’s about what that kid will do. Would you kill one child to save everyone from what the cream puff will do?”

“Teach the King better,” I say quietly.

Children are smart. They pick up on a lot. They know lots. They can do better if we can teach them better than we were taught ourselves.

It’s an impossible decision, one that makes my brain flatline— how can one life be justified as better than another bigger number of others simply because it’s one compared to many? I can’t do it. There has to be a different way, even in hypotheticals.

Phoenix barks out a dry laugh. “Teach the cream puff? That’s your alternative. Good luck, Grey. Good fucking luck.”

“We don’t have to kill children. The King already does that when he makes students believe his Guard and Soldiers are the best thing for them. He kills them in their mind and soul, and then he kills them in their body and sends them to Lucius. Children are smart, and they can learn. They don’t have to die so they don’t become a monster. They can learn not to become a monster. They’re smart.”

“What if they still do? The cream puff was never gonna learn,” Phoenix growls.

I sigh. “We find another way.”

Phoenix rolls his eyes. “Yeah, it’s called making them say hello to Lucius and their pet vulture Ananta.”

xxxx

It’s nighttime when Phoenix approaches me.

The Badlands has cooled off now that the moon is rising into the sky, and the sand is no longer hot to the touch.

Myles and Wyatt had laid down beside each other a few minutes ago and are now both asleep.

Ky is curled up in a ball of fluffy, tan fur, but I’m not sure if he’s actually asleep. He’d been giving Phoenix pointed looks, which his brother had returned with nasty sneers and flashed teeth, until the black cat had sighed loudly and grumbled, telling Ky to shut the fuck up and take a nap.

“I know you’re awake, Grey.” Phoenix walks over to me, paws sliding on the sand.

As he steps closer, a few bits of sand turn to glass from the heat of his flames, tumbling down the dune as they cool.

“I-… yes?” I stand up.

Phoenix stares at me, the look in his eyes close to a glare. He wrinkles his muzzle and grits his teeth, pinning his ears back before speaking.

“I did not mean to burn you,” he states, voice flat and leaving no room for argument or misinterpretation.

“Thank you,” I say, narrowing my eyes as I begin to tiptoe into the conversation.

I know Phoenix didn’t intend to hurt me, but I also know how angry he is. While I haven’t known him for long, in the time I have known him… it hasn’t taken much to make him snap at someone.

“That wasn’t me apologizing,” he replies. “That was me telling you a fact.”

“I was thanking you for telling me.” I glance at him before breaking off eye contact, unwilling to risk starting a fight I’d never want. “I knew you didn’t mean to hurt me with your fire, but I still appreciate hearing it from you. I appreciate you coming to tell me.”

Phoenix bristles. “I’m not a fucking pansy,” he hisses, voice quiet enough not to wake the others. “I’m not the cream puff. I’m not a coward like he is, scared to do anything himself. Always sendin’ others to do his own work cuz he can’t be bothered to lift his own fingers. Probably has someone hand-feed him when he thinks no one’s watching. Too hard for a delicate little cream puff like him.” Phoenix’s eyes glaze over with sheer rage. He starts shaking, flames crackling and sizzling across his pelt, sputtering and uneven but just as dangerous; a pot of water verging on boiling.

“I never said you were,” I reply. “You are not the cream puff. You and him are not the same.”

“No, we are not,” Phoenix agrees in a low voice. “He hurts everyone. I only hurt those who deserve it.”

He sits down and stares at me for a while, long enough that my skin starts to prickle and I cannot hold his gaze, yet still he watches me.

When Phoenix comes closer, his whiskers brush my skin and I can’t hold back the flinch. The black cat jerks back, squinting before he recovers and morphs his expression into a scowl.

“Hold still. I’m gonna help you heal. Your necklace isn’t doing a good job.”

“It takes time,” I reply.

“Yeah, well, it’s doing a shitty job of it.”

“I’m not used to it.”

“Taking time and not being used to it are two very different things. Pick one.”

Phoenix sniffs at the biggest burn, the one on my left arm, then the one on my right arm. When he leans back on his haunches and pushes himself up onto his hind legs to look at the burn on my neck, I’m reminded of when we first met and Phoenix did the same move to see if Alex and I had the pewter pendant and the malachite medallion. He presses a paw into my shoulder for balance. I can feel the heat of his fire radiating off of him. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see his flames on his forearm, and they’re so close to my skin. So close.

Too close.

He could burn me again. He could burn me. The flames just have to touch me. He’s so close. He’s too close—.

I want to back up and move away, but before I can, Phoenix bunts his muzzle into my jaw, knocking my head to the side.

“Don’t tense up,” he grumbles, quiet enough to keep from waking the others. “You’re making it harder.”

“What are you even doing?” My voice somehow stays similar, though I feel my heart pounding in my throat so hard I’m afraid it will burst through my skin.

“Helping you heal. The burns have some of my magic in them. I can take most of it away and make it easier for your little necklace to heal you, but I have to see where the heat is. Now shut up and let me see what the burn looks like.”

“Most?” I echo. “Why not all?”

“Magic leaves a trace behind. Remember Arcane and Freedom? I can sense the heat in others, and I can sense my magic. I can act on both, but in this case I need to find them to take them back. It's delicate. Not just something where I can find their general vicinity and throw an overload of power to make that little bit explode, whether or not I hit it spot on. I don't have to set others on fire with the fire on my own body. Can overload the heat within their own bodies with my magic to turn their warmth into a flame and char them that way. In your case, Grey. It's a hell of a lot more delicate than just trying to create a flame. Creating a fire is really easy. This won't be. So stay still.”

I gasp. Delicate versus close enough. I don't like it. When I try to scramble back and away from Phoenix, he puts both paws on my shoulders and digs his claws into my skin, leaning his weight back and pinning me in place. Two paws and forelegs covered in fire, now on both sides of my head, so close to my neck. The first burns haven’t even healed yet.

“Stay fucking still,” Phoenix grumbles. “You’re making this difficult and I’ve never done it before.”

“I’d rather not be your practice run,” I say, fingers drumming at my thighs as I try to breathe. My lungs don’t work, or my brain doesn’t send the message right, or something else because it doesn’t work, and there’s too little air, and I can’t breathe.

What could go wrong? He’s never done this before, and he already hurt me once. What if this time is worse? He didn’t mean to hurt me, and I know he wouldn’t this time, but what if? Alex is already missing. Things can’t go more wrong. He’s never done this before. What if they do go more wrong? What then? What if Phoenix messes up? What if he can’t do it?

“I don’t usually try to heal those I’m killing. And since I don’t aim to kill anyone I don’t want to kill, there’s never been a reason to learn, so stay still, Grey. Don’t fucking move. Think you can do that for me?”

Phoenix gives me a condescending look.

My breathing turns ragged as my vision blurs. I start to shake and my skin feels several sizes far too small. My flesh crawls, and it takes everything within me not to start scratching to try to relieve the pressure and stop the skittering feeling all across my body. I feel like I’m dragging in air through a straw and my throat seizes up and my chest can’t expand because there’s claws piercing my organs and bony fingers holding my ribcage like a vice and—.

There’s something on my shoulders I don’t recognize. A part of my brain, somewhere deep in its depths, knows I should. It’s the same thing right in front of me, shadowy and silhouetted beneath bright flames that send the dove within me fluttering with rapid wingbeats scattering across my insides. It wants to take to the sky in shrieks of alarm to warn everyone all around of the danger because it’s fire and look what that did last time. It was an accident, but it hurt. It’s right in front of me, teeth like the Guard’s daggers and eyes as dangerous as the Dragon’s. Somehow I know the comparison wouldn’t be appreciated but I can’t figure out why. I can’t remember why. I can’t get enough air and the fire’s sucking it all up but there’s no smoke and I don’t understand and I can’t think and black spots are filling my vision as I shake and my body begins to go numb and my knees go weak.

“Grey,” Phoenix snaps as he lowers himself back to the ground. With his weight gone, I sink to the ground, knees in the sand as I hold up my body on my hands and gulp down air. I stare at my fingers with some distant emotion that borders on hysteria. They look fake. They look like they belong to someone else. They aren't mine. They look so pale, like a ghost. I want to laugh for some reason I can’t quite understand. Everything is so much that I can barely stop myself from breaking down into hysterical laughter.

“I can do almost anything from a distance with just a glance, but everything I’ve done has always been to cause damage,” Phoenix continues, and I follow along absently. “The majority has been with the intent to kill. I don’t know how to do this without getting up close and seeing the wounds. I have to be close to sense the heat and my magic and take it away. Let me know when you’re gonna let me, but until then I’m gonna sit here. Ain’t leaving.”

How would Alex react if she saw me here? Not continuing to search for her because I couldn't let Phoenix take back some of his magic to make the burns less bad? Would she laugh? Would she get mad?

I know in my heart that she wouldn’t be so cruel. She’s talked me through more panic attacks and anxiety spirals than I can count, nodded along as we worked through what I could and couldn’t control, and laughed with me at the absurdity of some of my worries.

Leaning back, I sit down and pull my knees into my chest, wrapping my arms around my shins.

“Is this really your first time trying to take back your magic?” I ask.

Phoenix nods. He flicks the tip of his tail back and forth, and I track the movement as I try to bring my breathing back under control. “Yes. I told you that. I never try to heal anyone I want to kill. Defeats the whole purpose.”

“Can you do it?”

“Can I kill the cream puff?”

I frown. “I’m sorry?”

“Can I kill the cream puff?” Phoenix repeats.

“Yes?” I reply slowly.

“There’s your answer.”

“You just said you’ve never done this before.”

“Then why were you asking if I can do it? I can. I’ve just never done it before. So sit still and don’t move.”

I inhale through my nose, tapping out four beats on my leg, then hold my breath for another four beats, exhale for another four beats, then hold my breath for another four beats.

In for four, hold for four, out for four, hold for four.

“Ok,” I whisper with a nod, hoping I sound more confident than I feel.

Phoenix nods, gaze firm.

“Stay still,” he repeats yet again. “Do not move. I need to call out my magic and pull it back to me.”

The black cat moves to stand in front of me. He stares somewhere near my collarbones, squinting his eyes as he squares his shoulders.

For a while, I don’t know if Phoenix is doing anything. I feel the same, and nothing about him has changed. I’m about to ask what he’s doing when I feel a tugging sensation deep within my body. When I react on instinct and start to squirm, a flash of teeth and a sharp exhale have me freezing in place, clenching my teeth and fists. Something shifts beneath my skin and the dove inside me sends feathers sprouting across my back before I can stop it.

Stay still, stay still, I tell myself.

Phoenix’s magic heats my skin as he calls it to the surface. Instead of burning me like it did last time, I only feel the sensation of heat dancing across my body, rather than the pain as it seared through my flesh. The malachite medallion cools on my chest, and I feel it give way to Phoenix’s magic, as if deciding to allow the black cat to act upon his own powers.

With my eyes closed, I manage to breathe, to stay upright, to keep from moving. Bit by bit, Phoenix draws out his magic, until I hear him sit back with a loud sigh.

“You can move, Grey.”

“Ok,” I whisper, unable to say anything else.

I hold my arms out in front of me. The burn marks are still visible and I see the faint silver light of the malachite medallion returning to them to continue healing, but they are much fainter and hurt less.

“Whoah.”

Phoenix snorts. “What, you think it wasn’t gonna work?”

I jerk back with a start. “No.”

“Good. Now sleep. Alex isn’t gonna find herself and I ain’t waitin’ up for you when I’ve got a cream puff to kill after we’re done finding her. I’m not slowing down. I’m heading back to the Sea and the cream puff as soon as we find Alex.”

Phoenix stalks back to Ky with a flick of his tail, bunting his head into his brother’s shoulder, who slides over as Phoenix flops down, stretching out as he flexes his toes and unsheathes his claws. His flames glint on the purple, highlighting every bit of the lethal curve.

I look away and lay down, back to the rest of the group. Wrapping my fingers around the malachite medallion, I try to rest, try to relax enough that I can find my way to Dreamland. Maybe I’ll be able to see some figment, some image my mind conjures up of Alex, some false piece of my sister to cling to to keep me going until I can see my real sister again.

Maybe, another part of my mind has to remind me, stirring up panic in my gut.

I curl up, pulling my knees to my chest and wrapping my arm not holding onto the malachite medallion around my ribcage.

Maybe we’ll see Alex again.

No, I have to. Alex is somewhere out there. She wouldn’t give up. Arcane wouldn’t have killed her. She’s not the King. She doesn’t deserve it. She has to be out there somewhere.

She’s somewhere here on Ragdon. I just have to find her.

“We’re here, Alex. We’ll find you, I promise,” I vow, holding onto the malachite medallion a little tighter.

I hope it has some connection to the pewter pendant around Alex’s neck and that she can somehow hear me, wherever she is.