The Impeccable Adventure of the Reluctant Dungeon

A triple-bubbled fireball slowly made its way towards the archway. The darkness within refused to move, remaining there like a solid wall. The moment the glowing sphere touched the threshold, the fireball and everything around it disappeared in a cloud of glowing particles.

“I hate archmages,” Theo grumbled beneath his breath.

Memoria’s tomb followed a completely different set of rules. Some spells were limited while others were not. Good thing that the creator of the spell hadn’t considered the possibility of a heroic dungeon avatar, or the baron might have disappeared altogether. Even so, the remaining restrictions managed to get the dungeon pissed.

“What about the ring?” Avid suggested. “You could let it go through, then ask—”

“There’s no trusting her,” the avatar rudely interrupted. “We’ll be better off sending Octavian to scout for us.”

The griffin squawked in alarm.

“Lia, give them some weapons. If we’ll be charging in, they better be as prepared as possible.”

“Can you summon my own sword?” Amelia asked. “It’s custom made by one of the most prestigious craftsmen in the kingdom! The royal family almost exclusively uses his services.” She added with a smug expression.

“Tourist trash,” the avatar grumbled, causing the girl to frown.

For one thing, he was more than familiar with similar practices. Back in his previous life, one of his superiors had the annoying habit of buying exotic weapons and talking about it non-stop. All of them were imported, insanely expensive, and could get their blade bent with a single tap on the side. Their only purpose was to look splashy on their stands next to their framed certificates of origin, never to be used in actual combat.

For another thing, Theo had used arcane identify and found that among the series of other enchantments, there were several glamor spells aimed at making it look better than it was supposed to. Even if there was a way to bring it here, it wouldn’t stand next to an official heroine’s sword, and Liandra had many of them.

“He’s right.” The heroine took out a short sword from her ring. “You’ll need something better.” She gave the weapon to Amelia who, as a hero wannabe, had completely forgotten her outrage and was looking at the weapon with stars in her eyes.

A second weapon was given to Avid, who didn’t seem at all impressed. If anything, he was slightly hesitant whether he’d be able to use it adequately.

“I’m good.” Ulf waved his hand before Liandra could give a sword to him. “Mine has enough tricks on it.”

“Oh, really?” The avatar crossed his arms, then cast an arcane identification on the item.

ADVENTURER SWORD Level 5

(Rare Blessed Item)

A noble adventurer sword in perfect condition, despite seeing considerable use.

The sword has been blessed to cause serious injuries at the slightest cut.

That was not at all what the dungeon expected. Just to be certain, he repeated the spell, in case he had been wrong the first time.

“Suit yourself,” he grumbled, turning around towards the archway. “Now, remember.” He took out his own legendary sword. “Whatever we face in there will be nasty. Don’t do anything heroic, just make sure you protect our escape. That goes double for you, bird.” The avatar glared at the griffin. “Liandra and I will do the fighting. If we need help, we’ll tell you.”

The only reason Theo couldn’t afford to leave them behind was that he didn’t know what might befall them there. It was better to have them close by so he could react should something happen.

While his avatar was seconds away from entering the chamber of the abomination, the dungeon’s main body was also dealing with a different, albeit lesser, threat—the gnome walking about him.

“Very nice corridors,” Switches said, sliding his fingers along the walls. “Clean, solid, and very well kept. You’re definitely fit.”

“I do my best.” Despite the overall annoyance, Theo still remained susceptible to flattery.

“The previous dungeon I worked for was a mess.” The gnome shivered. “He had all that strength but used minions to patch himself up instead of repairing his insides. There were cracks everywhere, roots sticking out, not to mention that a week wouldn’t pass without some creature going on a rampage. The stories I could tell you…”

“What are you looking for, anyway?” The dungeon quickly changed the topic of conversation.

“Oh? Your core chamber, of course.”

“Forget it!” Walls emerged on both sides of the gnome, locking him in the corridor.

“How else did you think this would work? Your spirit guide can’t be separated from you, so she’ll need to have a part of you at all times.” Switches grinned. “Quite the clever loophole, right? Sometimes I surprise myself.”

“That’s your grand plan?!” The notion was anticlimactic. “Don’t you think we’ve tried that already?!” It was a boldfaced lie, of course, but Theo hated admitting he was wrong, least of all to Switches.

“A dungeon’s body isn’t the dungeon itself.”

If the statement had been read from a book of Zen, it might almost sound deep. Hearing it from a gnome, on the other hand, made it absolutely absurd.

“That would be like saying that the hair makes the person.”

“For your information…” Theo began, then stopped. “The hair makes the person?”

“Many species grow hair all the time, but that doesn’t mean they’re growing as well.”

The explanation made no sense whatsoever, but it didn’t allow for any good comebacks, either. All that the dungeon could understand was that the process wasn’t as simple as making a pair of shoes that Spok could wear. Still, he was not risking getting Switches anywhere near his core.

“No way I’m letting you near my core,” he said adamantly. “Think of another way.”

“Hmm.” The gnome scratched his left ear. “Okay. I think there might be another option.”

Back in Memoria’s tomb, the avatar inhaled and exhaled.

“Ready?” he asked.

Everyone nodded.

“Alright. Everyone, grab a shoulder. If this is a portal, I don’t want to risk us getting separated.”

Liandra and Ulf placed a hand on the baron’s shoulders, while Avid and Amelia put theirs on the person in front. Octavian was the only exception, though Theo wouldn’t be terribly upset if the creature ended up being sent elsewhere.

With a slow but firm step, he went into the archway.

The darkness condensed around him, then quickly dispersed, revealing a large—though not overly so—chamber. Almost cube-shaped, it extended over a hundred feet in every direction. In the middle, finely crafted, rose what appeared to be a large marble tomb covered all in sculpted runes.

“Everyone here?” The avatar looked back. All four members of his group were there, as was, unfortunately, the griffin. Pleased at the vast space, it quickly sprang its wings and leaped up, taking the opportunity to enjoy a nice flight.

To no surprise, the archway was gone. This had to be the heart of Memoria’s tomb.

“Get the ring out,” the avatar said.

Liandra nodded and did so. The moment she did, the ring pulled towards the tomb in the center of the chamber.

“This is it,” the heroine said.

“Let me go, you ruffians!” the ring screamed. “Mom, it’s not my fault! They kidnapped me! They also ruined my beautiful collection! It’ll take years to—”

The ring was quickly returned to the heroine's pouch, from where its muffled complaints continued.

Theo cast two dozen swiftnesses on himself, then an arcane identify spell on the floor of the chamber. While he could see his speed increasing, the identification spell didn’t produce any results. Attempting to determine the degree of his limitations, the avatar cast several fireballs, surrounding them with aether spheres. Fortunately, they appeared without issue, as did the ice shield that he created.

“Where is it?” Amelia asked, now gripping the hilt of her short-sword with both hands.

“In there,” Liandra replied.

The woman took a step in its direction, but was quickly stopped by Theo’s avatar, who held her by the shoulder.

“Stay here till I check it out first,” he said.

Despite the danger, the greed for experience prevented the dungeon from letting her have the first go. There was always the chance that the abomination was weakened. It had been locked in a magic prison for centuries, after all. As the unofficial rules stated, the core went to the person who did the kill, and such a core could well provide hundreds of thousands of core points, which Theo needed if he were to expand and create a few additions he had his sights on.

“Be careful, okay?” Liandra whispered.

“I’m always careful.” The avatar smiled and went up to the tomb.

Going up close, he could see that there were more symbols between the runes. None of them made any obvious sense, which was why the dungeon resorted to advice from his usual expert.

“Spok,” he said back in his main body. “Any idea what this means?”

A section of the wall in the room changed to an exact copy of what his avatar was seeing.

“Those are ancient runes, sir,” the spirit guide replied.

A long moment of silence followed.

“And?” Theo urged.

“And nothing more, sir. They aren’t dungeon related.”

“What about magic?”

“They’re definitely magic, but as you well know, I’m not a mage and every tower uses its own set of runes which are exclusively for their use alone.”

Great, Theo thought. Copyrighted magic again.

“What about the bunch I registered with?”

“I strongly doubt it, sir. They haven’t been around for nearly long enough for…” Spok stopped, sensing the entire building trembling with anger. “I’ll ask them, naturally, but it might be a while before they respond. We aren’t their priority, after all.”

Theo was close to speechless. Even here, customer service was as slow as heck.

“Send a letter,” the dungeon grumbled. “And a few glowing gold coins to speed up the process.”

With the attempt to learn anything about the runes gone down the drain, the avatar cast an arcane identify on the tomb. Just to be certain, though, he used the ultra variant.

MEMORIA’S HEART

(Memory Prison – currently occupied)

The heart of Memoria’s Tomb—a powerful magic prison keeping its occupant locked away beyond time and space.

WARNING! Use of Arcane Identify – Ultra has broken the outer cage of Memoria’s Heart!

All the runes on the tomb turned bright red all of a sudden, like metal being heated.

“Look—” the avatar shouted, only to have the tomb explode, sending fragments in all directions like shrapnel.

A large amount flew right into his avatar, causing a noticeable energy drain in the main body. Liandra spun her two-handed sword, deflecting everything that went past, ensuring that the adventures behind her didn’t get hit.

“—out,” the avatar finished, in a low voice. He was just about to make a comment that things could have gone better when a giant marble entity emerged from the remains of the tomb.

One could tentatively describe it as humanoid, thirty feet tall, and made entirely out of stone chunks. The reason that some might disagree was because the thing had no face or any distinguishable body parts. In his previous life, Theo would have described it as a children's toy that had come out of a nightmare, or a sculpture Giger would have created if he was given nothing but tangrams. The face, the arms, and everything else were made of perfect marble shapes of various colors.

“Spok, can there be an abomination of geometry?” he asked back in his main body.

“Sir?” The spirit guide blinked. “There could be all sorts of abominations, yes, but… geometry?”

As the dungeon was about to answer, the entity took a step toward his avatar and struck at him with considerable speed. The segments of its right arm rearranged, transforming into a massive triangular sword with three razor-sharp edges.

Immediately, the baron cast an indestructible aether sphere around himself.

Stone hit hardened aether, cracking the floor beneath the sphere. It was followed by a stroke from the other hand that had transformed into a strangely-shaped ax.

The abomination kept striking the aether sphere like a drum. If things continued, the avatar would be in serious trouble once the effects of the sphere wore off. Thankfully, three seconds in, a boomerang sword flew through the air, hitting the creature in the head.

An attack of that nature, as powerful as it was, proved unable to cause any damage, yet it managed to distract the monstrosity. The shapes that composed the being’s head rearranged, as if to get a better look at the source of the ranged attack.

A second boomerang sword split the air.

The abomination’s left arm quickly transformed into a massive shield. To its surprise, the target of the second attack wasn’t the arm, but Theo’s aether bubble, striking it dead center on the side. The force proved just enough to roll the sphere out of the hole beneath it.

Pop! Pop! Theo grumbled to himself.

Close to five seconds remained—an eternity when it came to combat. Worst of all, the abomination was still set on killing him first. Another strike hit the side of the aether sphere, this time sending it across the chamber.

“If that’s how you want it.” Theo cast a flight spell on the sphere, lifting it off the floor, then used telekinesis to change its trajectory before it hit the wall. The speed was impressive, but if there was one thing he had learned from physics engines back in his previous life, it was that it took very little to change their course while keeping their momentum.

Determined to keep the abomination pinned down, the baron then directed all flying fireballs right at the head of the monstrosity. Explosions erupted as bright puffs of flame engulfed parts of its body. Each had the strength to effectively deal with an entire goblin glider, yet here had the effects of firecrackers atop a granite boulder.

Theo’s sphere kept on turning along a semi-circle arc, then continued heading straight for the abomination.

“What do you say about that?” the baron asked.

Unfortunately, the distractions proved not to be enough. With one brisk action, the abomination briskly turned around, its head and both arms transforming into axes. A split second later, all three swung forward.

Once more, the indestructible sphere clashed against the all-piercing strike or even three of them. This time, though, the momentum was on the sphere’s side. The air itself vibrated with a sound of thunder, after which several segments of the abomination’s arm flew off, darting a foot above Liandra’s head—then inches below Octavian’s beak—before burying themselves into the wall.

“So, you can be hurt,” the avatar said just as the sphere finally lost its invulnerability. “How about this? Ice pillar!”

A large chunk of ice formed in front of the avatar, then slammed straight into what could pass for its neck. Naturally, Theo took the opportunity to bless the tip of the ice shard in the process. If what Spok had told him held true, that should be enough to cause a lethal wound or, failing that, a normal wound.

Unfortunately, when the ice shattered, there was no indication it had done anything at all.

“It’s immune to magic!” Liandra shouted as she charged forward, performing a chopping strike with her massive sword.

The blade hit the leg of the creature, then bounced back.

“Spok!” the dungeon shouted back in its main body. “Since when are abominations immune to divine blessings?!”

Remaining visibly calm, the spirit guide put her hand on her chin, taking on a pensive pose. Deep inside, she was more than a bit concerned, though. The question was bad on many levels, even for someone who had gotten used to Theo’s antics. Since there was no such thing as an “abomination of geometry,” Spok had felt momentary relief assured that the dungeon’s avatar had engaged with something else. The notion that blessings had no effect on it, though, forced her to reevaluate her previous conclusion.

According to Spok’s knowledge on the matter, the only entities immune to blessings were divine and heroic beings, yet the description of the creature definitely didn’t make it fall in either category. Furthermore, heroic beings—other than Theo—didn’t go about attacking everything in sight. And that was only the tip of the iceberg of trouble.

“Sir, it’s imperative that you don’t come into contact with the creature,” Spok quickly said. “That includes any part of your clothes and gear.”

“Huh? My sword too?”

“Especially your sword!”

In the abomination’s chamber, the avatar floated back. Seeing that magic didn’t work, he was just about to try his luck with the legendary sword and some good old-fashioned melee attacks.

“You remember that it’s a legendary sword, right?” he asked, while looking at Liandra with his avatar.

“It doesn’t matter. Anything that comes into contact with an abomination risks getting corrupted, be it person or item. As I told you, even demons and deities prefer to avoid them.”

“Spok, it’s way too late for that!” Theo grumbled, trying to remember if she had warned him about this earlier. Sadly, since he ignored most of her advice, it was more likely than not that she had. “We’re already fighting. The only way to defeat it is—”

“Maybe I’m not making myself clear,” Spok interrupted. “You’re not human, sir. If the members of your group get corrupted, they risk getting possessed by it. It’s definitely a rather serious condition, but hopefully a reversible one, once the goddess Paris returns. However, if your avatar gets affected, the corruption risks affecting your main body.”

“I know all that! That’s why I’m trying to kill it as quickly as possible.”

Theo could see her point of view, though in this case, he seriously thought that his spirit guide was overreacting. If corruption spread the way she suggested, all of them would have been affected by now. If nothing else, Liandra had been hacking at the abomination’s leg and didn’t seem in the least affected.

No sooner had he had the thought than the tip of the heroine’s sword changed into a chunk of orange marble. There was no question about it. The piece of stone stood there, stuck to the metal of the blade, as if it had always been there. A second later, another chunk formed beneath it, this time a bright green one. Then another part of the blade transformed, and another. The wave of marble pieces kept on spreading, continuing to the hilt. Liandra was quick enough to drop it, but that didn’t change the fact that the weapon no longer resembled what it had been before.

That was far from all. Instead of just laying lifeless on the floor, the sword twisted around—suddenly gained life—and swung in an attempt to chop the woman’s feet off. Following that, two things happened simultaneously. Aware of the threat, Liandra quickly leaped back, avoiding the attack. The dungeon’s avatar, on his part, instantly surrounded the transformed weapon with an aether sphere on which he used his ice magic to freeze solid.

“Be careful not to touch it!” Liandra shouted. “Everything that comes into contact is corrupted into stone.”

Internally, Theo grumbled. He was supposed to say that. With the chance gone, he did the next best thing that came to mind: use his newly acquired magic ability to create an ice elemental. Since it was the first time of him doing so, and he was completely unaware of the amount of energy required, he decided to err on the side of caution, which meant spending the equivalent of a thousand mana.

A deep chill filled the chamber as a block of ice materialized on the floor, some ten feet from the baron. The frozen chunk quickly grew, tripling in size, then sprouting limbs. Funnily enough, the elemental was a lot more humanoid looking than the abomination itself, with a pair of glowing blue eyes within a solid head of clear ice.

Within seconds, it reached the height of the abomination, then kept on growing, for good measure, until it was a quarter taller.

“What do you say now?” the avatar shouted at the marble creature. “The tides have turned, haven’t th—”

The elemental’s right arm sung in an attempt to swat the avatar like a fly. If Theo had bothered to remember the description of his new ultra skill, he would have known that only mages with a mind value of over a hundred had the ability to command elementals they created. For all intents and purposes, the creature could be considered another enemy.

As luck would have it, though, the abomination had no way of knowing that. Seeing a slightly larger creature be created by the baron, it had rightfully assumed it to be a threat. Therefore, the best course of action was to deal with it before anyone else, especially considering that none of the people presented any danger whatsoever.

The marble giant took a few steps towards the ice elemental, then slammed its fist into the other’s back.

Initially, a few marble chunks of proportional shape emerged on the point of impact. Yet, no sooner had they started to spread than they fell off the icy surface, falling lifelessly on the floor. Apparently, ice—living ice, to be exact—wasn’t prone to corruption.

“Whoa!” Amelia couldn’t help but gasp. “An ice elemental.”

The only thing that prevented her from saying more was Avid, who grabbed her by the sleeve as he pulled the both of them as far away from the center giant entities as possible.

“Be careful,” Liandra said, drawing a new sword. “Any of the stone chunks might come to life.”

“But the baron froze them solid,” Avid replied, though he glanced at the ones that remained embedded in the wall.

“Ice doesn’t hold something forever.”

Almost on cue, a ray of chill emerged from the ice elemental’s eyes, encapsulating half of the abomination in ice. For a few moments it appeared as if the battle was over, but just as the marble corruption couldn’t get a hold on the elemental, neither could ice confine the monstrosity. Chunks of marble quickly grew within the frozen water, consuming it until there was none left.

As that happened, all eyes turned towards Liandra’s former sword. They were just in time to see the corrupted entity eat through what was left of its icy prison and shatter the aether sphere that held it.