The Impeccable Adventure of the Reluctant Dungeon

Choosing clothes had never been Theo’s strong suit. His main body didn’t need any, and his avatar went through them like handkerchiefs. More often than not, the dungeon relied on Spok to choose something appropriate for the occasion. In this case—given his public outburst—the occasion could only be described as high-society groveling.

On the surface, the earl’s summons had nothing to do with the outburst whatsoever. The council simply needed his input on the mundanely tedious topic of planning rights. Yet, deep inside, Theo suspected there might be additional consequences. It felt ominously like an HR meeting back in his previous life—everything started well, amicable even, and quickly turned into a serious talk regarding his position in the company.

With an internal sigh, the dungeon looked at his avatar from all sides. The clothes Spok had selected for him were all along the dark red and dull gray spectrum. The shirt had an exceedingly high collar buttoned all the way to the top, and his footwear was composed of knee-length boots of worn brown leather.

“Why must I look like a hunter?” Theo asked as his avatar put on a long brown coat.

“Etiquette dictates that nobles who wish to repent wear these clothes,” the spirit guide explained. “It would present you in a better light. It might also be a good idea to put on a brooch with Peris’ symbol. It would have been better if Cmyk were to accompany you, of course, given how pious people believe him to be.”

Several sets of furniture trembled in anger. It was bad enough that Theo had to subject himself to this humiliation; relying on Cmyk to present him in a better light was the line he’d firmly established not to cross. Abandoning the city and starting over elsewhere in the world was preferable to that.

“I still say you should use the mechanical carriage to get there,” Switches said, yet again.

The gnome was dead set on having Theo show off some of his creations for “marketing purposes.” As he put it, if the people got a taste of what his lab-slash-workshop produced, they would have a far better opinion of it, and of Theo by proxy. And just because the idea had been profoundly rejected half a dozen times by both Spok and Theo was no reason he shouldn’t suggest it again.

“We’ve been through this…” the avatar grumbled through his teeth.

“Wait!” The gnome lifted a finger in the air. “This is different. Instead of just arriving there, you then give the carriage to the earl as a gift!”

There was a long moment of silence during which Theo’s avatar turned around, maintaining an annoyed stare for over ten seconds. The hint went way over Switches’ head, who maintained his current pose, expecting a positive reaction.

“I’ll take some of the shiny gold,” the dungeon said. “Just in case.”

“That might not be a bad idea, sir,” Spok agreed.

“Bribery also works,” the gnome said, his ears flopping down. “It won’t be as good as—”

“Switches!” Theo said sharply.

“Hey, it’s your town.” The gnome shrugged. “And talking about town. Have you decided on a location for my lab? Anywhere near the wall is fine. Just not too close to the castle. Wouldn’t want to rush in there each time a contraption goes loose. Oh, and far from the temple. Divine magic tends to affect delicate devices. And a reasonable distance from any food sellers and sources of drinking water… I’m generally careful, but—”

“Spok, find him a shack to start with.” The dungeon was glad that that, at least, was something he didn’t have to deal with.

“Does it have to be above ground, sir?” Spok asked in the tone of voice that maintained her opposition to creating the lab.

“I don’t want any suspicious fumes filling me,” Theo said adamantly. “Get a map of the town, come to an agreement, and let me know.” His avatar took a deep breath and went to the door. “I’ll deal with it once I’m done groveling to the earl.”

No escort awaited Theo’s once he left his main building. Most of the guards were at the castle or near the town wall. Even the ever-annoying Captain Ribbons seemed to be off somewhere.

Taking this as a bad omen, the avatar briskly made his way towards the earl’s castle. On the way, he caught a glimpse of several buildings going through serious renovations. The local nobles had spared no expense, importing foreign materials in an effort not to be outdone. As a rule, no one dared build anything higher than the castle, but they were inventive in other ways, making the higher floors wider than the ones below.

Barely making any sarcastic comments, the avatar entered the castle. Any guards instantly stood to attention, opening all doors for him to pass by. The scene was repeated several times until the avatar reached the ante-chamber of the council room. That, he had to open himself.

Straightening, like a junior manager did before entering a meeting of higher management, the avatar took hold of the handle firmly, turned it, then entered the room.

“Ah, Baron,” Earl Rosewind instantly greeted him. He had already taken his place round the table, as had everyone else. “Please, take a seat.”

This was the worst way to start. Fighting the flashbacks of his previous life, Theo had his avatar do so.

“We were just talking about you,” the earl continued.

YOU FEEL DEVASTATING HUNGER!

The all too familiar warning popped up just at the most dramatic moment.

“I must admit, you said some quite bitter truths after your last noble quest.” The only thing darker than the earl’s tone was the expression of the other nobles present. “Initially, we were considering sharing our opinion on the matter.”

“By that, he means we wanted to kick you out of town,” Marquis Dott clarified in his blunt manner.

“Yes, thank you, Earvyn.” The earl gave the noble a brief glance. “However, we soon came to the conclusion that you only did that because you had the town’s best interests at heart.”

Huh? Shutters swung throughout town, as both Theo and his avatar blinked.

“I was coddling my child far too much,” the earl went on. “We all were. And by that, I don’t only mean the people who sent the trio on your noble quest. As you said, adventuring isn’t a hobby, and I’m ashamed to admit that I had allowed it to be treated as such. Even since I was a child, the guilds had turned into clubs for people to gather and drink rather than actually doing the town any good. Even the few who actually set off to follow the spirit of adventuring fell into despair.”

“They’re little more than an expensive way to deal with children’s rebellious phases,” Baroness Elderion agreed. “I’d know. I’ve had all three of them spend a year there, which they keep reminding me of.”

“Bottom line, we have come to the conclusion that there’s no point clinging to appearances. The adventure guilds played an important part in our town’s past, but their usefulness is over. At this point, the best course of action is to accept that and move on.”

“And use the land for a much more beneficial purpose,” the marquis said, impatiently. “It’s about time we took advantage of the prime real estate and—”

“Thank you, Earvyn,” the earl interrupted. “I’m sure my good friend gets the point.”

“Wait,” the avatar said, surprising everyone. Deep inside, Theo hated himself for it. With the exception of house training the local griffins, there was nothing he’d like better than getting rid of all the local adventurer guilds. Unfortunately, the universe had conspired to create a very specific set of events in which he needed at least one to keep functioning. “We can’t shut them down.”

All glances fell on the avatar.

“No? Mind explaining that, old friend?” the earl asked.

Theo didn’t consider himself a manager. In his previous life, he could merely describe himself as manager-adjacent. However, time and experience had allowed him to observe more than the common share of bullshit.

“I gave the matter a lot of thought as well,” he lied. “In fact, that’s the reason I’ve been secluding myself ever since the… noble quest ceremony.” That was pushing it a bit, but since he’d already gone so far, he might as well try and go for everything. “We all agree that there’s a problem when it comes to local adventuring.”

“Good for nothing kids, spending all their time wasting our money on drink and—”

“Thank you, Earvyn,” the earl said, reflectively. “Please, go on, Baron.”

“The thing is that closing the adventure guilds will only deal with the symptoms, not the underlying problems. Yes, the kids you forced on me were green, ill-prepared, going through a rebellious phase, or imagining themselves as literary characters. They need to grow up, and the only way they can do that is through hardship and experience.”

No one budged a muscle. There was no way for the dungeon to tell whether they were falling for his speech or going through a calm-before-the-storm phase. If anyone had come babbling like that in Theo’s main body, he’d have thrown him out as if he were a gnome. The key now was to quickly provide a possible solution before they could do so and make it sound as impressive as possible.

“The experience they went through woke them up,” the avatar continued. “My speech shook them up. In order to take the next step, they need to face hardship on their own.”

“Are you suggesting having them go on another noble quest?” the count asked, scratching his ear.

“Precisely!” the avatar eagerly agreed. “Only one that’s a lot more difficult.”

All nobles leaned forward on the table, listening with increased interest.

“An adventure that will make them realize what adventuring is all about and make them proud of having the title.”

In truth, the dungeon didn’t care one bit whether they’d quit after that or not. The point was for him to be allowed to go on a quest that would eventually lead him to a mana gem. In a best-case scenario, he’d stumble upon a proper quest—and not the false brigands one, like last time—with a proper reward. If it turned out there was no mana gem among the loot, Theo intended on trading his favor earned by making the earl procure him one. Either way, the so-called junior adventurers didn’t matter one bit.

“An adventurer apprenticeship program.” The earl nodded. “It could work…”

“What about the real estate?” Marquis Dott protested. “That’s some prime land going to waste. Can’t we at least close two of them? It’s not like we need three.”

“If there’s only one, there won’t be any competition,” Count Alvare countered. “The point isn’t just to make three adequate adventurers. It’s to transform Rosewind into an adventurer farm.” He paused for a few moments, realizing that the image was anything but appealing. “Or an adventurer resort, of sorts.”

“An adventurer academy,” the baroness nodded. “All the big cities out north have them. People pay ludicrous amounts of money just to prepare their children for admission, and even then, there’s no guarantee they make the cut.”

“Yes,” the avatar began, but suddenly stopped. “Err, n—” he tried to say, but it was already too late.

“An adventurer academy in the countryside, away from the bustle of the big cities,” the count said, building onto the idea. “That definitely could work. And with several noble quests achieved in record time, people are likely to notice and send their children here.”

“I know I would,” the baroness agreed. “The peace and quiet I’d have gotten would have been priceless.”

“Damn it!” Theo shouted back in his main body.

There was such a thing as overplaying his hand. The goal was only to keep one adventure guild open for a few more months. While that had been achieved, everyone was already discussing how to transform Rosewind into the next hero university town, cursing him to a consistent flow of adventurer cannabis for generations to come.

“Not going well, sir?” Spok asked.

The dungeon didn’t have the strength to answer. Slumping his avatar back in his chair, he could only bear witness to the monster he had created.

“Once again, you’ve outdone yourself, old friend,” the earl said while the remaining trio were discussing details. “And to think I was almost ready to deprive the town of adventurers!”

“Yeah.” the avatar sighed. “To think…”

“I’ll send our brave trio to the Lionmane guild first thing tomorrow. From this point on, they’re nothing more than your apprentices.”

“Apprentices…” the avatar repeated in a devastated state.

“I’ll tell Karlton to make you vice guildmaster.”

“Vice guildmaster…” Theo didn’t have the energy to think or argue. At this point, the earl could have sent him to the hero guild and there would be no difference.

“Just an honorary title, of course. We can’t have you bogged down doing bureaucratic chores, can we?”

Many other things were said during the meeting, but at that point the dungeon had already blanked out. The rest of the day passed as a blur. Theo vaguely remembered transforming some of his structures, agreeing with Spok about something, not to mention having a serious conversation with each of the nobles of the council, especially the earl. It was only when night fell, and most of the town went to sleep, that the effects of the shock slowly started to thaw away.

What have I done to deserve this? the dungeon asked itself.

Once again, it was all the earl’s fault! If the pesky noble hadn’t sent him off to capture the band of thieves, Theo would have never come across the red gem, let alone consume it. In turn, he’d never have been afflicted by his current condition, forcing him to depend on the assistance of a maniacal gnome and three kid adventurers.

Stars twinkled in the sky, as if laughing at everything that occurred beneath them. Maybe in his next incarnation, Theo would request to become a star. That seemed idyllically simple. As a star, he’d just float in the vast calmness of space, occasionally glancing at planets that interested him. Several major disciplines back on Earth would severely oppose his way of reasoning, but they were part of his previous life. If he could be reincarnated as a dungeon, there was no reason for him to not become a star.

“A star…” he said, dreamily. “Next time, I’ll become a star…”

Maybe somewhere, some starting civilization would worship him as a deity. They’d give him weird names, make up powers associated with him, even look up and address him when they were in need of advice…

“Sir,” a voice echoed from the distance.

Yes, the dungeon thought. Just like that.

“Sir, it’s morning,” the voice said, a bit sharper than was comfortable.

The sudden change in tone woke the dungeon up, returning him to reality.

“Spok?” he asked. It took a few seconds for Theo to find his avatar. To his surprise, it was safely tucked away in a wardrobe. “What am I doing there?” The dungeon opened the wardrobe doors with telekinesis.

“It was most convenient at the time,” the spirit guide replied, without getting into details. “You better hurry up or you’ll be late.”

“Late?” Theo tried to remember what had happened the previous day. Despite any attempts, everything after the start of the council meeting remained blurry.

“You told me you had to be at the guildhall at first light,” Spok patiently explained. “Something about babysitting good-for-nothing adventurers again.”

“Ah, right.”

It was all coming back to him now. In exchange for going on noble quests, Theo had agreed to babysit—or “train,” as it had been officially defined—the trio of adventurers yet again. This time, however, he was doing it in the role of vice guildmaster.

“Also, you promised the gnome to pass by his workshop once you were done, so he’d gear you up.”

That, the dungeon had no recollection of. His conscience had probably given in by that time. Strange, though. This wasn’t the first traumatic clash with reality he’d had since becoming a dungeon, and he’d always handled them pretty well until now. For one thing, he had never blanked an entire day—or a half-day, for that matter.

Carefully examining himself, Theo tried to find the structure that he had transformed into the gnome’s laboratory, but wasn’t able to locate it.

“Spok,” the dungeon began. “Where exactly is Switches?”

“You really don’t remember, sir?” the woman asked with slight concern.

“Refresh my memory.”

“Very well, sir. You reached a compromise. He’d only get his workshop once he helped you procure another mana gem. Until then, he’d make do with a building that wasn’t part of you, outside town.”

That sounded suspiciously reasonable.

“What’s the catch?” Several doors in the main building creaked with suspicion.

“There’s no catch, sir. At least, none I could think of.”

Not being one to look a gift horse in the mouth, Theo decided to leave it at that for the moment. There were far more urgent matters he had to deal with right now.

As the screeches of griffins filled the skies above Rosewind, Theo received his first hunger message of the day. Ignoring it, he packed his dimensional ring with everything necessary for another adventure, including a large amount of gold coins, and left for the Lionmane guildhall.

All three of his “apprentices” were already there by the time he arrived, along with the guild master. The eyes of all of them were filled with the annoying spark of determination. At the same time, something else was missing.

“Err, where’s your gear?” the avatar asked.

While Ulf wore the same clothes he always did, the other two seemed almost out of place dressed in expensive, though otherwise common, traveling clothes. Gone were the special sets of armor, overpowered weapons, and even the common magic trinkets, by the looks of things.

“Earl Rosewind said that you will take care of our equipment,” Amelia said.

“Did he now?” The surprise gone, Theo was back to his standard grumpy demeanor. “I was hoping that after what we’d been through, you’d have learned to take care of that on your own. Clearly, you’re still too green for that.”

All three of the adventurers looked at the floor. Unfortunately, the guild master didn’t seem to be buying it. Standing there with the look of someone who disliked what he was doing, but knew that the future of his guild depended on this, the man extended his hand, palm facing upwards.

The avatar looked down, then up at the man’s face, then took out a few gold coins from his dimension ring and placed them in the guildmaster’s open hand.

“I’ll need your adventurer ring,” the old man said. “After your last quest, I’ll need to increase your rank.” Despite that, he still pocketed the coins before Theo could claim them back.

Why you greedy old man. The avatar narrowed his eyes, but chose not to say anything.

Removing his ring, he gave it to Karlton. The man brushed it over a larger crystal he took from the counter, changing the gem’s color from amberish to green.

“Here,” the guildmaster said. “You’re a second-class adventurer. Congratulations.”

“Second class?” The avatar expected to be made first-class at the very least. “Why so low?”

“One quest, one rank.”

“Even a noble quest?” The avatar narrowed his eyes.

“One quest.” The guildmaster narrowed his in return. “One rank.”

It was clear that things weren’t going well. The dungeon had no idea what the earl had told the old man, but it couldn’t have been good for him to act in such fashion. Maybe Karlton was hoping for some calm and relaxation in his old age as well? To be honest, Theo couldn’t blame him.

“Fine. What’s available?” the avatar asked, playing down the humiliation.

“Same as last time.”

“They weren’t here last time,” Theo said through gritted teeth as he got flashbacks of corporate meetings from his previous life.

Sensing the invisible aura of anger surrounding the avatar, Karlton took out the job tome and placed it on the counter with a slam. All three of the junior adventurers jumped slightly at the sound.

“The troll dogs are gone,” the man said. “Someone dealt with that a day ago.” He then went through a few pages, going straight to the noble quest section. “Remove the curse of an abandoned estate full of bloodthirsty phantoms,” he read out. “No further details provided.”

Both Avid and Amelia turned a few shades paler.

“Assist in a mage tower attack,” the guildmaster continued. “They’ve doubled the reward, but everyone’s keeping away from that one. Apparently, a hero has already died trying to achieve it.”

The expressions on all three junior heroes soured. That didn’t seem particularly appealing, either. In all honesty, Theo preferred phantoms to mages. In both cases, there was the risk that someone would discover his true nature, but mages had more ways of dealing with him. Besides, he was already blessed, so he could deal with demonic entities and the sort without issue.

“And finally, there’s the brigand quest that you completed a few days ago.” Karlton looked at the avatar. “Pick your poison.”

“Spok,” Theo asked in his main body. “What can you tell me about phantoms?”

“It’s a classification of discorporate entities, sir,” the spirit guide said. “Could you be a bit more specific?”

“They are bloodthirsty,” the dungeon said.

“That’s a contradiction in terms, sir. Phantoms aren’t capable of being bloodthirsty. Either the descriptor is incorrect or they aren’t phantoms to begin with.”

“They’ve cursed a mansion.”

“The existence of all phantoms is linked to a curse of some sort. That would be like telling me they are discorporate.”

In other words, the quest description provided no information whatsoever. Even the term “estate” was vague, ranging from a plot of land to a large manor house.

“Do you have any thoughts?” the avatar asked the trio of adventurers.

They looked at each other, hoping the other would voice an opinion, yet no one did. For the standard human, the choice was between getting cursed—and possibly poisoned—to death and blasted to smithereens.

“We’ll take the cursed estate.” The avatar sighed. “I suppose I need to go through the whole song and dance routine at the castle?”

“Nope.” The guildmaster ripped off the page from the tome and handed it to Theo. “New rules. I’ve been given full authority to hand out all but royal quests. You want it, you got it.” A conceited grin formed on his face. “The celebration will take place if you complete it.”

“Right, right.” The avatar skimmed through the sheet of paper as if he were reading through a contract. With so little said, there was nothing that could be regarded as suspicious other than the quest itself. “Alright, let’s go.” He turned around, starting his way to the door.

“Like this?” Amelia protested. “What about our gear? You can’t expect us to head out on a noble quest like this!”

Crap! Theo had completely forgotten about that.

“Pfft. Of course not,” the avatar lied. “Where do you think we’re going? I’ve had a workshop specially constructed just for the task. We’ll pass by there to gear you up, then we’ll head to—” He looked at the page. “—the town of Wallach, and—”

As the avatar spoke the name, a sudden torrent of blue mist exploded from the piece of paper, spreading in all directions. Faster than a smoke bomb, it filled the space of the room, obscuring all light sources.

Initially, the dungeon thought this to be a practical joke from the guildmaster. He, clearly, wasn’t pleased with the arrangement, so it would be understandable if he were to give the baron a hard time. Within moments, however, Theo knew that wasn’t the case.

“Spok,” he said in his main body. “Drop anything you’re doing. I’ll need your assistance.”

“You always require my assistance, sir,” the spirit guide replied indignantly. “What appears to be the matter?”

“I have no idea where I am,” Theo said as the mist around his avatar began to clear. “I just know it’s a long way from Rosewind.”

This was enough to cause more than the usual degree of alarm.

“How could you be certain, sir?”

“Well…” The avatar stared at the dark outline of an impressive castle with multiple towers. “It’s dark here.”