The Impeccable Adventure of the Reluctant Dungeon

Opening a dungeon’s door was a task usually left for the dungeon. Normally, Spok wouldn’t even bother with the matter. It was well established that the only being that could open a door was the dungeon itself, and occasionally some overly determined adventurers. This was supposed to be no different. However, if the last few days were an indication, knocking was always occupied with furious shouting, annoyed grumbling, or sometimes both.

Umm, there’s someone outside, the spirit guide said.

The dungeon didn’t react. Most likely, it had already managed to doze off. This presented the spirit guide with two options: use its newly granted powers to open the door or do nothing and wait until Theo woke up. Not being one for shouts, Spok decided to open the door.

The door swung open, as if caught by a draft. To the spirit guide’s surprise, however, the only thing there was a small wooden box placed neatly on the floor. This was rather unusual. Normally, one would ask about in order to inquire about the sudden delivery. However, since it didn’t have the body, the only remaining alternative was to quickly levitate the box inside and close the door.

“What happened?!” Theo stirred, woken by the sudden noise.

You’ve received something… Spok hesitated. Sir.

There was no rule stating that a spirit guide cannot be a butler, although Spok could say with absolute certainty that no one in their right mind had even considered that a valid possibility.

“A something?” Theo asked, moving half of the new furniture within the rooms as he did so. “What something?”

That is what I was trying to determine, sir. The guide moved the box to the first-floor hall, placing it on the table. The object seemed fairly common. The craftsmanship wasn't great, though it wasn’t terrible either. One side was revealed to have a stamp of some sort—potentially a cat in front of a full moon, if one used a bit of imagination. A rather ornate latch on one side kept the lid closed.

“You really went all out with the changes, by the way,” Theo said. “Nice. I like it.”

Thank you, sir. Spok was relieved. Do you want me to open the box?

“Oh, sure. You’re responsible for all the mail, right?”

The guide levitated the latch aside, then opened the lid. A single scroll with a blue seal lay inside atop a cushion of black velvet.

“What does it say?” Theo asked as the spirit guide unrolled the scroll in the air.

Just a lot of pomp and snobbishness, sir. In short, the Feline Mage Tower has given you a class S special mage permit, along with their deepest thanks for your generous contribution.

“Class S special permit?” Two of the seats in the guest room tilted, indicating the dungeon’s surprise.

Permits have their own classification, Spok explained. Actually, it’s a commonly used classification that is widely used by various organizations in the world. To put it briefly, C is considered the lowest grade.

“C as in Common?” Theo asked.

No… C as in the third letter of the alphabet. Although, it could be said that C could stand for common. B class permits provide additional benefits, such as defense magic capabilities, A grants you the use of combat spells, as long you don’t overuse them. And S—or Special—class allows you to use pretty much any type of magic. In this case you have been granted a special mage permit, which means that the permit applies not only to the building, but to all items in it, and to you as well.

“What’s the difference?”

In your case, none. However, if you were an actual wizard living here, you wouldn’t have to apply for a personal license or register any magic items in your possession.

“Oooh, I see.”

That was actually quite a good deal. While Theo was fully aware that he would never use the full benefits of his license, by the looks of it, he had gotten a V.I.P. package of some sort.

“How much money did you send them to get this?”

Not that much. I just cleared all the coins that were left.

“Hmm. Are you sure it isn’t a scam? That didn’t seem like a lot.”

It’s possible that they simply are a new mage tower. I didn’t look into it. I just sent the request to the most powerful tower I could sense in the area. Do you want me to frame the permit and hang it in your study?

“Oh, definitely!”

In his previous life, Theo had an entire wall of framed diplomas, online courses he had finished, even a photo of him and one of the company’s vice presidents. There was no way he’d break the habit now, especially after he’d gotten such a fancy permit.

A perfect steel frame appeared around the permit, encapsulating it between two thin shards of crystal. Spok was about to levitate the item to the third floor when the entrance door suddenly opened. This time, it was Theo who had done so.

“It was about time, Cmyk!” Theo said in the way of welcome. “Do you know how long we’ve been waiting? We redecorated all the rooms and got a magic permit before you managed to show up.”

Spok felt like coughing. There was no reason for the spirit guide to be upset that the dungeon had shared credit for something it hadn’t done… and still, Spok felt deeply annoyed.

Cmyk, on the other hand, didn’t care in the least. Calmly, the muscular minion carried in two large square stacks of hay, then went back out and brought in several bags of belongings—mostly clothes, armor, and a few weapons.

Don’t put the hay on the floor, Spok sighed, then diligently levitated it to the attic.

“And the permit?” Theo reminded.

A smirk formed on the minion’s face. With the speed of a cheetah, he grabbed something tucked away in the back of his belt and held it high in the air. The item was a rolled-up piece of parchment, and while it could have passed as quite luxurious by local standards, it couldn’t hold a candle to the magic permit floating in the air less than a foot away.

“Is that it?” Theo asked, disappointed as he unrolled the new parchment. “Why can’t I read this?” the dungeon wondered. “In fact, why can’t I read anything?”

Dungeons don’t have the ability to read, Spok said. Not that it’s a difficult ability, it’s just that there has never been any practical need for them to do so. And since no one likes to waste Core Points… The guide stopped. I shall grant you the ability to read all languages, it said shortly after.

CORNUCOPIA OF SOUNDS AND LETTERS

You have the ability to understand and read all mortal and enchanted languages.

“Thank you.” Theo read through the scroll. For the most part, it was a typical land permit, but once again, thanks to the generous sum provided, it came with the title of Baron attached. Being a dungeon, Theo was never going to use it, but he had to admit feeling somewhat tickled by the fact. “Is a baron important?” he asked.

It’s the lowest of all seven noble titles, sir, Spok explained.

“Perfect!” An insignificant title meant that Theo wouldn’t be expected to do much, if anything. “People in this world sure are generous. Frame this as well and put it in the study. What else do I need to get?”

You’ll need a building permit and a family certificate containing your full family tree. The building permit might be slightly tricky, given that the standard practice is that you get it before starting to build, but there might be a way around that. The family tree might be somewhat more difficult. For that, you need actual relatives.

“Can’t you get a forgery or something?”

While it’s theoretically possible, neither you nor I have the connections to do that. Dungeons were never supposed to have parents or deal with local bureaucracies. The easiest solution would be toؙ—

“We’ll worry about that in the morning,” Theo interrupted, indicating it was time for a nap. And while the dungeon was all too happy by the fact, the nap turned out to be quite short.

A few hours after the Dungeon and his minion had gone to sleep, an annoying sound of scratching and tinkering came from the door. It wasn’t that the sound was loud, but it was just rhythmic enough to stir the dungeon into a state of being semi-awake.

“Cmyk,” Theo grumbled. “Quit fiddling with your keys and get back to sleep!”

Sir, Spok said. The minion is in its room. Also, none of your doors have keys.

“Huh?” Theo went from being semi awake to fully awake. Crackling a window open, he peeked outside. Two black clothed figures were standing at his door. “Someone’s tinkering with the door!” he whispered.

Theo had no idea who those people were. They definitely didn’t seem to be adventurers, let alone heroes.

I believe you are being robbed, sir.

“Thieves? Here?” The thought sounded shocking. “Why the heck will they be robbing an empty house?”

The “house” isn’t empty, sir. Your minion is living here.

“Oh… right.”

Not to mention that you have been spending a lot of gold the last few days. It’s natural that the local thieves would learn about it.

The door suddenly opened. This was confusing since neither Theo, nor the spirit guide had opened it. In theory, there wasn’t supposed to be any force capable of opening a dungeon entrance. The structure to which Theo had transformed to, was flowing with magic from the lowest basement to the roof. Virtually, every wall and staircase were full of magic supposed to stop, kill, and repel any adventurer foolish enough to set foot inside. And yet, the two intruders not only had forced the door open with ease, but had stepped inside as if nothing had happened.

“I wasn’t planning on using my key-herp on this,” one of the figures whispered. “This better be worth it.”

“Will you relax!” the other hissed. “The guy’s loaded! He spent more gold in the taverns that they’ve seen in a year.”

I knew it! Theo thought. It’s all Cmyk’s fault!

“Besides, who else will buy the barony spot? The lot of land has been so overpriced that it’s been empty for decades.”

Theo didn’t react to this. If he had, it would have been to explain that he found the place absolutely worth it, not to mention that the land came with a title attached, and who were they to judge how he spent his money, anyway?!

The thieves quietly closed the door, then went on into the guest hall.

“See?” the second thief asked, triumphant. “I told you he’s loaded! Who else would buy all this stuff?”

“It’ll be difficult selling the furniture. Although Anky might pay a pretty penny for the leg of that armchair. His cerberus keeps chewing on it, so he’s always on the lookout for replacements.”

Theo felt his walls tremble with anger. Were they actually discussing hacking up part of his furniture? And just after Spok had made it, too? The chair itself wasn’t the issue—Theo was able to create dozens more at any time. It was the shamelessness of the thieves that made him want to crush them where they stood.

It won’t be a good idea to kill them, sir, Spok said. While beneficial in the short run, it’ll create too much commotion. You wouldn’t want to be outed as a dungeon in a city such as this. Not until you have the energy to move somewhere else.

“What do you suggest?” Theo whispered in the attic. “I leave them to take whatever they want?”

That might be the best option, sir.

Theo moved every piece of furniture in the master bedroom to the ceiling. If he were human, he’d be biting his tongue and clenching his fists. Here, he had to make do with whatever was available. All that power and he couldn’t use it to chase out a couple of thieves.

“What if I use the aura of fear?”

And make the inhabitants of the entire town run off somewhere? I fear that might be noticed…

“What about—"

The question remained unfinished. That was unfortunate, since it was a really good idea. Theo would have asked to learn how to cast a sleeping aura and put both intruders to sleep, then gently throw them out and then lock the door and block it with something heavy. The problem would have been resolved, and no one would have known a thing. Instead, Cmyk had walked into the entrance lobby.

The next two seconds passed in complete silence and confusion.

Cmyk had originally gone up, believing the sound that had woken him up had come from the rabbit. And since he was still not used to the concept of taking his clothes off before going to bed, he was still in full gear, carrying a lit candlestick in one hand and a large metal bowl with an apple in the other. He wasn’t at all expecting a pair of strangers standing in the entrance lobby. From their part, the thieves had used a rather expensive magic gem to make sure that there was no living being in the building, and now they were staring at an extremely muscular man armed for battle, holding a dangerously large candlestick and a helmet in the other.

“Oh, shit,” Theo said, just before all hell broke loose.

One of the thieves grabbed a vial from beneath his cloak and smashed it on the floor. Blue smoke filled the room, almost choking Theo with its peppery taste. Instinctively, he slammed the door shut. This provided a serious dilemma for the thieves. None of them had any desire to fight, however, they didn’t want to get caught either. A split-second decision had to be made, and the shorter of the thieves made it by drawing a sword from his dimensional ring and swinging at Cmyk.

Unaffected by the smoke, the minion blocked the attack with the candlestick. All the energy invested by Theo had made Cmyk not only extremely strong, but with excellent reflexes. Unfortunately, despite its size, the candlestick proved no match for the weapon. Clearly it was magic as well, since it sliced halfway through the metal object with the ease a knife would go through butter.

“Ouch!” Theo shouted, feeling a prick. Apparently, having an item created by him broken caused him pain. It was no worse than a paper cut, but that infuriated the dungeon enough to levitate the sword obtained from the legendary hero into the entrance lobby and strike indiscriminately at the thieves.

The attack was blocked by the second thief, who had drawn a large shield from nowhere.

“He’s got magic!” the second thief shouted.

On cue, the first thief leapt back and threw a series of flying knives in the direction of Cmyk.

Moving at speeds that seemed impossible for its large frame, the minion twisted and leapt through the lobby, evading all the attacks. A few knives were deflected with the apple bowl, which then itself was sent flying—apple and all—at the thief’s head.

“Careful with the furniture!” Theo shouted, swinging the sword about wildly. While he had become used to levitation, swordsmanship wasn’t a skill he currently had.

Finding himself in a tight spot, the first thief grabbed another vial and flung it forward. The vial easily missed Cmyk, though it exploded in flames the moment it broke in the wall.

“Hey!” Theo roared. “No more mister nice guy!”

Breaking in was bad enough, but setting him on fire was way across the line. At this point, Theo no longer cared about not being discovered. A deep animosity filled him, wanting nothing less than beating the thieves into a pulp. A table and two massive chairs flew in from the guest hall, swinging at the thieves in slow, sloppy fashion; and while the attacks were easily blocked by the thief with the shield, the strength was enough to push her back several steps.

“What’s going on?” the first thief shouted.

“The house is full of magic!” the second thief replied. “I’ll break a window! We’re getting out of here.”

“Oh, no you don’t!” They took one of the interior doors off its hinges, moving it in front of the ground-floor window. He had no intention of having them break anything else, unless it was with their heads

LEGENDARY SWASHBUCKLING

Complete mastery of swordplay, acrobatics, guile, and bravado rivaling that of any adventurer.

I thought that might be useful, Spok said.

It did. Suddenly, the chaotic movement of the sword and furniture became a lot more precise. Instead of wildly hacking and slashing, Theo focused on light piercing attacks. Like an experienced fencer, he combined swings, feints, and jabs, causing the thief with the shield to move the shield about in a desperate attempt to protect herself, only to get clobbered on the back of the head by a floating table.

Meanwhile, Cmyk dealt with the other thief. Unwilling to give the man a chance to fetch another vial, the minion rushed forward and grabbed both of the thief’s arms. In his lazy mind, Cmyk was already celebrating his victory, when a kick in the groin told him his opponent thought otherwise. The attack itself didn’t cause nearly as much pain as the thief had hoped—or any, for that matter. However, it forced Cmyk to respond with a quick headbutt, rendering the intruder unconscious.

Both thieves down, a momentary sense of victory and accomplishment set in. Cmyk and the nearby floating furniture turned to one another, displaying a figurative grin of superiority.

“We showed them, eh?” Theo asked.

That is indeed commendable, sir. But can I remind you that part of you is still on fire, not to mention the damages inflicted on the lobby—

“Holy crap! Cmyk put the fire out!” Theo fretted. “Spok, repair the damage!”

And what about the thieves?

“What do I care? Tie them up and throw them out! We have more important things to worry about!”

A set of ropes appeared, winding around each thief, then tying a tight knot with a bow. Once that was done, Spok opened the front door, tossed the intruders outside, and closed the door shut. Naturally, in the process, the spirit guide didn’t forget to deprive the thieves of all more exotic possessions: a shock absorbing shield, a pair of metal cutting daggers, a pair of dimension storage rings, and a necklace with a life sensing gem. After all, it was only fair that they paid for the damages inflicted.

Repairing the house involved more grumbling than actual work. Theo would complain at each nick and scorch mark, pointing out that “it wasn’t as good as before.” Spok would try to explain that everything was identical to the way it was, only to be directed to another scratch mark and go through the same process. Cmyk, on his part, picked up the apple from the ground, went upstairs to feed the rabbit, then went back to his room without helping in any work at all.

Once again, things eventually returned to normal, until the next knock on the door.

“Cmyk!” Theo shouted, not even bothering to peek through the windows. “See who it is this time. And don’t even think of going out with your friends! You’re grounded until you spin more gold!”

With a silent grumble, the minion went to the door and opened it.

“Good day to you, sir,” a man in a bright blue uniform, a shiny breastplate, and an incredibly large mustache said. “Lieutenant Kyle Ribbons of the city guard at your service. I’m here in regard to the whole disturbance business.”

Theo felt his heart sink—or he would have if he still had one. Apparently dealing with the thieves felt like a bottle of whiskey: lots of fun during the night, but a huge headache in the morning after.

“From what I understand, you’re rather new in town, correct?” the lieutenant asked.

Staring blankly forward, Cmyk nodded.

“And where did you come from? There seems to be some confusion regarding that matter.”

“Is there a way to summon a more intelligent minion?” Theo whispered in the attic.

That would be possible. What type of minion would you like to create?

Theo thought about it, then thought some more. Summoning a combat minion would only make things worse. Not to mention that he’d also have to grant the minion flesh or cast an illusion so it looked human. And even then, could he actually rely on minions to do as he asked? By definition, Cmyk was supposed to be a loyal and hardworking digger. The creature hadn’t done a moment’s work in its existence unless there was a huge personal benefit.

“Forget that,” Theo quickly said. “I want to create a human copy of myself in order to deal with this.”

There’s a perfect skill for that, sir. It’s rather expensive, but still within your means.

“Just get on with it before Cmyk does something we’ll all regret.”

Spok felt overjoyed. Finally, Theo had asked for a skill that was both useful and dungeon-like.

CREATE FREE AVATAR

The one time ability to create an outside entity of yourself. The avatar is able to leave the dungeon freely, while also sharing all skills already obtained. Since all energy comes from the dungeon, the amount of energy required increases with distance.

The appearance of the avatar is determined by the dungeon upon creation.

Before the spirit guide could explain the advantages of the avatar above any simple summon, Theo had already cast it. The form that was created was humanoid, tall, slender, with tanned bronze skin and long curly black hair. In his past life, Theo would have chosen an appearance much closer to that of Cmyk. In fact, had he used the ability a day ago, he would have created an avatar that was an exact copy of Cmyk. However, the Legendary Swashbuckling skill that he had recently learned had given him a new aesthetic understanding.

“Nice,” Theo said, looking at his hands.

With the snap of a finger, a mirror appeared before him, allowing him to admire his new form. Everything from his clothes to the charming—and slightly scoundrelly—grin on his face were a mix between a pirate and a musketeer, both from popular romantic novels. Sadly, he didn’t have long to admire his appearance. The conversation with the city guard lieutenant was progressing poorly, focusing on Theo to rush down in haste.

“Lieutenant,” Theo said with a wide smile, pushing Cmyk to the side.

The grand entry made the city guard pause. His mind struggled to come to terms with seeing a tall skinny man move a massive, unmovable warrior with such ease.

“Err, and you are?”

Theo stared blankly, only now realizing that in all the commotion, he hadn’t come up with a name.

“Theodor d’Argent,” the avatar said, the first thing that came to mind. “I happen to be the owner of this building.”

“Ah, my apologies, sir. I was not aware that… I mean to say, I thought that this was the person who lived here.” The lieutenant glanced at Cmyk.

“Ah.” Theo nodded. “A common mistake. I sent him over to get the building in order before I came in person. As you might have noted, it’s a magic building.”

“I see that, sir.”

“A fully registered building on a legally purchased plot of land,” Theo continued. “I believe that has also granted me the title of baron as well?”

“Forgive me, my Lord. It’s rare that one meets nobility outside the castle. As I was trying to inquire—"

“Why I’m here,” Theo finished the sentence. “Well, you see, I decided to move to a nice, calm place in nature to avoid the chaos of the big city. You know what it’s like, right?”

“I have never left Rosewind, my Lord,” the liutenant said flatly.

“Ah, and you haven’t missed a thing. It’s so much more charming and adventurous here.”

The liutenant narrowed his eyes. There appeared to be something very fishy going on, yet he wasn’t able to put his finger on it.

“Ahem,” the lieutenant cleared his throat. “I’m here to inquire about the disturbance.”

“Disturbance?” Theo asked, feigning ignorance.

“Two extremely dangerous thieves were found tied up in front of this very door.”

“You don’t say.”

“Their description matches that of part of the Claw Hook band that has been causing havoc throughout the region.”

“Oh, my. That sounds quite serious. I’m glad that they were captured, then.” Theo attempted to quickly close the door. Before he could succeed, however, the lieutenant managed to grab it with his right hand. Since Theo didn’t want to crush the man’s knuckles, he reluctantly allowed the door to be opened again.

“As I was saying, my Lord, the people who managed to capture them have earned an official reward from Earl Rosewind,” Lieutenant Ribbons continued in exceedingly formal fashion. “And since the thieves were found in front of your door, and there were quite a few witnesses seeing them being thrown out of your door, you and your companion are to come with us immediately to the earl. Unless there’s some reason for that to be inconvenient for you.”

“No, not inconvenient at all.” Theo smiled. “Let’s go right now.”