The Impeccable Adventure of the Reluctant Dungeon

Ice blades and aether firebombs flew through the chamber, aimed at both sides of Lord Mandrake's golem. Theo knew from his previous life that subjecting an object to a large temperature contrast was supposed to do bad things to the object. He’d also heard the same from one of the local blacksmiths. The man had the annoying habit of explaining it over and over to his apprentices among all the other thirty-three rules of blacksmithing.

Explosions followed. The entire right side was covered with frost while the other was momentarily surrounded by flames. Sadly, no cracks appeared. On the bright side, none of the spells were consumed, either.

“Ha!” The gnome squeaked. “A dungeon that thinks it can think? I told you I constructed this metal to be the most durable thing in the world. Do you think that a little magic will manage to do anything?”

The golem made a few steps forward, shifting to a jog, then a run. Halfway through the chamber a tile from the floor rose, tripping the construct and the gnome inside. In one glorious moment, the great and powerful Lord Mandrake hit the floor, face first, like a fallen stump. A cloud clang echoed throughout the chamber. Taking full advantage of the situation, Theo’s avatar charged forward. The legendary hero sword he held swung at the enemy, but all it managed to hit was the ground itself. The golem rolled to the side, faster than Theo thought possible, escaping the blow and kicking the avatar into the opposite wall of the room.

“What was that?” Theo asked, confused by what had just happened. He wasn’t wounded in the least, and didn’t even feel particular pain, but this defied his expectations.

“Gnomes are particularly nimble, sir,” Spok said in the dungeon’s main building. “And with rather fast reactions.”

That was an understatement, if there was any. The avatar had cast over a dozen swifts on himself and still he had failed to land a blow. Even after all the preparations that he had gone through, it seemed that this fight wasn’t going to be as easy as he expected.

“Ha, ha!” Lord Mandrake changed at him, slamming the avatar’s chest with the golem’s massive fist. The blow was so strong that it cracked the chamber wall itself. “You let your guard down!” He hit the avatar again with his second fist. “You thought I was just a weak, stupid gnome!” He hit him again. “Dungeons always do that.” And again. “They compare might to size.” And again. “What do you think now, puny avatar?”

More blows followed, driving the avatar further and further into the wall. It looked extremely devastating, painful even. Most astoundingly, it was neither. All in all, there were two things that annoyed Theo: one, the gnome was ruining the blessed coating of the chamber; and two—the attacks prevented the avatar from getting in a word edgewise. The moment he opened his mouth to respond to the gnome, he would be hit, causing even the partial response to be drowned by the sound of the slam. After a few moments, Theo had enough. Annoyed, he cast an invulnerable aether shield in front of the avatar. Unaware, the golem construct struck again, but this time, the massive fist stopped five inches from the avatar.

“For your information,” the avatar began. “I happen to be highly intelligent.” Theo readjusted the wall, pushing out his avatar like a cork. Thankfully, the aether shield moved along as well.

“You could have fooled me.” Even in the current situation, Lord Mandrake made the effort to cross his arms.

“Your fleet is in ruins, your army destroyed, and you are in a trap. The best thing you could do now is surrender and give me the demon heart. If you do, I promise to let you go.”

“Ha, as if I’d believe you!” the gnome instantly replied.

Once he did, he glanced at the spying crystals installed in his small control cabin. As any chief engineer dealing with a low intelligence workforce, he had made it a habit to monitor his workers at all times—or at the very least, at the important times. At all times, he could see exactly how the battle outside was developing. It was true that the hero and the defending forces had managed to destroy or damage a large part of his fleet, though not before they had done their tasks. The town walls were practically gone, and while the army of goblins and supporting gnomework armor hadn’t completely taken over everything, they were almost there. By Lord Mandrake’s estimation, there was no possible way for the town to survive. The hero—maybe, but even that was temporary. Once the fight here was over and the dungeon core smashed, Lord Mandrake would return to the surface with his construct and mop up what’s left. Then, he’d finally be able to continue with his plans and—

The legendary hero sword pierced the back of the golem to the hilt. Due to the entity’s massive size, the weapon wasn’t able to reach the other side, but it got at least halfway there.

“What do you think now?” The dungeon’s avatar smirked. “And you thought I was the stupid one. You were so focused on my avatar that you didn’t even think that I pretended to drop the sword on purpose!”

That was a lie, of course. Theo had no idea that the gnome would end up being so fast. The original part of the plan involved him breaking the armored shell of the golem enough so that the blessed light of the chamber fell upon the exposed demon heart, causing it to shrivel, or whatever happened when a demon heart was exposed to divine power. In fact, he himself had completely forgotten about the weapon or the fact that he was a dungeon. Having the avatar apart from his main self had made him think of each separately, even when they were in the same spot, it seemed. Using telekinesis was an afterthought, though apparently things worked out quite well. And just to be certain, Theo shot a bolt of sacred lightning at the tip of the blade. Moving along the blade, the electricity entered the golem, giving it an impressive jolt.

“What do you think of now, Switches?” the avatar asked just as the aether shield vanished. “Regret anything you’ve done lately?”

For several seconds, the golem remained motionless. Then, a strong punch sent the avatar back into the wall behind again.

“Nope. Can’t think of a thing!” Flames shot out of its hand, reducing the front of the avatar’s clothes to cinders. The avatar itself remained undamaged, but the energy drain to maintain it was considerable.

Finding himself in a desperate situation, Theo created a wall of ice between his avatar and Lord Mandrake. The moment the two forces of magic came into contact, a vast explosion of steam pushed both sides back. The avatar, who was already buried in the wall, didn’t move particularly much. The golem, on the other hand, was thrown all the way to the center of the room, almost to the spot he had tripped a short while ago.

“That exhausted a considerable amount of energy,” Spok reminded from the safety of Theo’s living room. “Please avoid doing any more of that in the future.”

“I didn’t do it because I wanted to!” Theo snapped, slapping several doors in her vicinity. “Why didn’t the sword have any effect? Or the lightning? Both of them are supposed to be blessed, right?”

“Yep, it’s blessed alright,” Peris said, looking into the crystal ball from over Spok’s shoulder. “Should have worked.”

Since the destruction of her temple, Peris had decided to “drop in” Theo’s main house. Her appearance was identical to that of the statue, only her current clothes were more modern—based on local fashions. It was a strange experience that kept Spok on edge. As Theo had found out, Spirit Guides were originally created by deities to whom they often reported. The relation didn’t make too much sense, since dungeons were regarded as autonomous, but from what Theo could make out, it was a pretty big deal.

“Just try a few more times. I’m sure you’ll get it, eventually.”

Theo was just about to argue when he considered the idea actually quite good. Several more bolts of lightning filled the chamber, hitting the golem. However, even after a dozen attempts, the annoying creature kept standing.

Curious, the dungeon took a few steps forward with his avatar. After a prolonged pause, he took a few steps further still. While there was no way to say for certain, it seemed that the lightning had fried the golem from the inside, transforming it into a statue. The bigger question was whether the gnome inside had been killed as well. Since there hadn’t been any announcement, Theo was inclined to think that the fight hadn’t ended. Still, he took one more step forward. It was at that point that the golem reacted.

Reaching out for the avatar, Lord Mandrake tried to grab him with both of the golem’s hands. Unsure how to react, the avatar cast an entangle spell. However, instead of aiming for the golem’s legs, he targeted the arms. Initially, it didn’t seem to have worked, but the instant the gnome attempted to actually grab his target, it turned out that all ten fingers of the golem’s hands were tied together in a way that prevented them from grabbing anything, or even moving apart for that matter.

“What did you do?” the gnome asked, trying to unbind the golem’s hands.

Instead of an answer, Theo just cast another bolt of lightning at the gnome’s head.

“Hey!” The construct took several steps back. “Stop that!”

“Why aren’t blessed spells affecting you?” Theo asked.

“You think I’d be stupid enough to leave the heart in the same place where it was last time? Ha! Well played for sticking the sword in. It wasn’t something I was expecting. Still, all your effort was wasted. I’ll still crush your core… just as soon as I get…” He attempted to wave his arms about. Thanks to the blessed light of the chamber, the entangle spell was holding.

“Where did you put it? In your ass?” Theo asked.

“As if I’d tell you!”

An award silence followed.

“You really did, didn’t you?” Theo didn’t know whether to gloat or to feel humiliated that such an annoying creature was on the verge of destroying him. Of all the creatures he could encounter in the world, it had to be this. The saddest part was that the gnome might still manage to do so.

The entire population of Rosewind was hiding in only two fortified locations, and Liandra, as strong as she was, wasn’t able to be everywhere at once. With the entire airship fleet destroyed or fled, she was facing an army of ten thousand or more at the city gates. The issue with that was, that the wall on both sides of the gate was long gone, as were several rows of houses beyond that. The leader of the army—a lone surviving red-armored demon was quite successfully keeping her from joining the other defenders of the town.

The sound of a snap filled the air. The entangle spell had fizzled, releasing the golem’s fingers. With his energy approaching its mid-point, Theo knew that things were getting serious. With both of them being equally overpowered, the one victor would be the one who used the sneakier tactics.

Using telekinesis, Theo pulled the sword out of the golem’s back. Realizing what was going on, Lord Mandrake instantly covered the bottom of the golem with his left hand while simultaneously releasing a stream of crimson fire with his right.

The stream was too large for the avatar to dodge it, which is why it didn’t. Instead, Theo split the chamber in two, letting the flames to fly past his avatar into a long tunnel. It was a highly uncomfortable experience, reminding him of some particularly bad indigestion during his previous life after a rather spicy batch of curry.

Once the golem had stopped casting the spell, Theo put the chamber back together again. A thin line indicated where the chamber had been split.

“My turn now,” Theo’s voice boomed in the room. Spikes the size of spires emerged from the floor, thrusting upwards towards the golem. Unfortunately, Lord Mandrake was dashed forward before they could deal any damage. The gnome had also realized something: as long as the dungeon’s avatar was alive it wouldn’t let him get to the dungeon’s core. Thus, the optimal thing to do was to destroy it first.

The fight picked up a notch with either side doing its utmost to destroy the other as fast as possible. The golem still had vastly superior strength and magic, although it was forced to keep one hand behind its back. Theo, on the other hand, while able to attack both with his avatar and the chamber itself, was on a limited energy supply. Already he’d converted several buildings in the city to energy. In the middle of the fighting, it seemed as if they had been destroyed by the goblin army. Sadly, even that wasn’t going to last him for long. Once the energy reserves were depleted, he’d resort to core points and once those were gone, he’d have no choice but to cut and run, sacrificing virtually everything he had created since arriving in Rosewind.

Rows of stone spikes kept shooting up, forming trails behind the golem in an attempt to pierce his behind. Meanwhile, the avatar, maintaining a dozen swiftness spells on itself at least, was continuously running from the golem. Every now and again, Lord Mandrake would catch up landing a heavy punch, but Theo had learned to protect his avatar by casting an ice shield and ultra aether shield that would only send him flying to the other side of the chamber virtually unharmed.

The fight dragged on a minute, then five, then ten, then thirty. In their eagerness to bring to a quick resolution, both sides had reached a stalemate, prolonging the encounter even more. The chamber had split, turned, and reassembled more times than a Rubik’s cube. Flames, ice, and other spells were tossed freely around, generated by two incredibly powerful mana sources. This was a battle between a demon lord heart and an overpowered dungeon core, between magic and technology. In his previous life, Theo would have loved to work on such a project. In his limited capacity as a middle manager, he had pitched the idea to his superiors dozens of times, only to have it rejected with no explanation whatsoever. Participating in such a fight himself, Theo was starting to agree with their assessment. As cool as everything looked, it was becoming exceedingly difficult.

“I see you’re getting tired,” Lord Mandrake said after a while. “I’ll let you have a rest. Fighting a weakling dungeon won’t be any fun.”

That made no sense whatsoever. However, with the constant energy drain, every second Theo had to restore even a tiny bit was appreciated.

“You’re one to talk. You can hardly stand on your feet,” he shot back.

Damn it! The dungeon thought. Now he’s gotten me doing it.

“Why are you so set on conquering the world in the first place? Do you know how much work that is?”

“Maybe for you! When I’m supreme overlord of the world, I’ll have minions to control my minions. All my days will be devoted to creating new and more advanced inventions that will change the world!”

“For the better?”

“No…” the gnome hesitated. “Just change the world. There’s no way to tell if it’ll be for better or worse before I actually build them. Dungeons, heroes, and mages will be extinct and everyone—”

“Elves?”

“Huh?”

“What about elves? Will they be extinct too?”

When Theo asked the question, he was just playing for time. However, the gnome saw in it a riddle. It was well known that elves had powerful magic. Together, they were way stronger than any dungeon, even one as crafty as Theo. Having them freely walk around in the new gnome order wasn’t a good idea. At the same time, taking them on, especially at such an early stage, was going to be difficult. Nearly all of Lord Mandrake’s armies had been wasted in a single dungeon alone. Of course, the gnome could easily rebuild everything. All he needed was to return to the mandrake mountains, and dig up some more demon remains. Then everything was going to be as it should.

“Of course!” The gnome let out a high-pitched laugh. “Elves have been nothing but trouble! Even when they fought dungeons, they were crap at it!”

“Elves fought dungeons?” That was new and something to be mindful of in the future. By the sound of it, Theo had dodged a bullet when in Vinewood. Next time, he was going to have to proceed with caution. If there was a next time. Win or lose, he had no intention of venturing into elf territory ever.

“They tried to. Mostly when the dungeon entered their glens or forests or whatever they were occupying at the time. Very good source of magic, but otherwise really annoying. The dungeon I worked at before had a complicated love-hate relationship with them. He loved their magic, but hated everything else about them.”

“Good to know.”

Without warning, the legendary sword flew out of the avatar’s hand, straight at the golem’s head. Theo’s hope was that he could pierce it and earn a quick victory. Unfortunately, as sharp and sturdy as the weapon was, all it did was bounce off the hard surface.

“Aha! Sneaky and backstabbing as ever!”

“Come on, it was literally in your face!” the avatar grumbled.

“I did a few modifications there as well. The alloy I used contained ground mana gems, among other things. There’s no known force that will be able to penetrate it, even a sword like that!”

“Pity you didn’t have enough of that metal for your ass,” the avatar said beneath its breath.

“What was that?”

“Nothing.”

Within the golem’s head, the gnome narrowed his eyes.

“You’re done well to keep up with me so far, but there’s one thing you’ve forgotten,” Lord Mandrake said, trying to make his voice sound deeper than it was and failing miserably as a result. “While you’re busy fighting me down here, my troops have all but taken control of the town!”

“… I’m a dungeon, I know that.”

“Ha! But did you know that some of them are also carrying explosive pots? They’re just like the ones my flying goblins dropped, only much bigger. As we speak, they are burying them throughout what’s left of the town. When they’re done, one small spark and everything will be destroyed, you included.”

“Look, I know you’re bluffing. I’d have noticed if they were doing that.”

“Damn it!” Lord Mandrake cursed. “They’re late again!”

It was difficult to say whether the gnome was making things up or not. Personally, Theo didn’t mind either way. Even if there was a group of goblins with explosive pots, it was going to take them considerable time to arrive. By then, the fight would have been resolved one way or another. However, just as he was about to make a sarcastically mocking remark, a portal emerged in the air, a short distance from Rosewind. Slowly, three new airships emerged, along with hundreds of goblin gliders.

“Aha! There they are!” Lord Mandrake said with glee. “I’d shout at them for being late, but they’re goblins, so it won’t matter much. What will matter is that you’ll be destroyed.”

Four new spikes shot out from four sections of the wall, closing in on the golem like a crosshair. Three of them shattered upon hitting the hard metal surface. The fourth one, however, managed to pierce it. Unfortunately, it wasn’t in the right spot. While a large hole had opened on the side, the golem was very much functional, which it instantly proved by breaking off the spike and tossing it at Theo’s avatar.

Normally, Theo would have just had his avatar leap to the side to avoid the projectile. Possibly affected by the theatrical demeanor of his opponent, the dungeon this time chose a different approach. Raising a hand up, he tried using telekinesis to grab the object in the air and toss it back.

Nothing of the sort happened. The spike continued forward, hitting the avatar in the lower abdomen and piercing it. There was a moment of silence and confusion. Both Theo and Lord Mandrake watched as a bleeding wound formed. It didn’t hurt in the least and it didn’t impede the avatar’s movements or actions, but the mere fact that it was there was more than a bit alarming.

“Any ideas about this, Spok?” Theo asked back to the main building.

“The spike was blessed by a goddess, sir,” the spirit guide replied. “You might be a hero, but you’re still a dungeon. Heroic weapons and blessed items can still hurt you. It will heal on its own, but I’ll advise not to get spiked anymore.”

Quickly, Theo retracted the spikes. Sadly, it was too late. The golem had already grabbed one of them, breaking it off and turning it into a makeshift weapon. Lord Mandrake didn’t know the reasoning of what had happened, but he was more than glad to take advantage. If a stone spike was able to deal with the avatar faster—all the better.

“Admit it!” the gnome said, triumphantly. “You’ve lost! Your town is done, your avatar is bleeding, and the rest of you will be reduced to rubble!”

Using a large amount of his remaining core points, Theo erected a few towers in spots where the wall used to be. Each of them was equipped with a ballista. It wasn’t much, but it was the only defense he could muster against the approaching airships. Two bolts split the air, striking the first of the crafts. The force was enough to send it into a spin. Before he could aim at any of the remaining two, the flying goblins descended on the final bastions of hope, dropping pot bombs like rain. Explosions followed, taking out dozens of goblins on the grounds. Sadly, they also managed to weaken the newly erected towers as well. Theo knew that there was no point in wasting energy to restore them, so he let off one last shot. The second airship was grazed. Though not enough to damage it significantly.

“I’d congratulate you for the good effort standing up to me,” Lord Mandrake began. “But it would be a lie! You’re finished, dungeon!”

Holding the stone spike tightly, the golem took a step forward. Moments after he did, the ground shook. The top of the chamber cracked open as the front of an airship broke through. Large chunks of blessed stone fell to the ground, forcing the golem to protect itself by slamming them away with the stone spike, as if he were at a baseball tournament. While he was doing that, a large section of the airship hull broke off, falling to the ground a dozen steps away.

“Sorry for being late, boss,” Wolf shouted from the side of the vessel. “Hope we didn’t keep you waiting too long.”

Despite his current wretched state, the avatar cracked a smile. The balance of power had shifted once more. Now he stood a real chance.

“Well, you took your time!” the avatar shouted back. “Are all of you in shape?”

“Yes.” Nauska emerged. “We’re all fine. All twelve of us.”

“Good. I’ll draw his attacks. You take any chance you have to do what you can. Go for the golem’s ass! That’s the weak point!”

And the fight continued.