The Girl Wants to Be M*rdered

As I got off the carriage that felt familiar even with its warmth, I sensed the cold winter air welcoming me. Swish.

The moment my feet touched the solid, unwavering ground, a strange feeling arose within me, but it was fleeting; soon, a wind that felt colder than refreshing blew, and I tightened the white robe draped over my body. Brrr.

The cold season.

Only the barren branches that had shed their leaves claimed their existence around me.

The only signs of life were the figures of people bundled up, wandering the streets.

The clouds in the sky made it impossible to tell whether it was day or night, or something in between.

The season closest to death—it was winter.

Now that I think about it, it was like this that day too.

The day I vividly remember when Aris fell from the cliff. I recall it felt very cold back then too.

“……Keh, kehuk.”

The dry wind tasted like blood in my throat, devoid of moisture.

I often thought about it, but I seem unable to get used to the gray essence of winter.

Perhaps, forever.

Winter will remain a terrible nightmare for me.

“…..It’s cold.”

And lonely.

Huff, as I exhaled softly, I saw my misty breath riding the wind.

The breath that decorated the sky disappeared in an instant, hiding its existence, but that brief moment was enough to captivate me.

I inhaled, then exhaled again.

The inside of my mouth grew drier, and my lungs chilled.

The very act necessary for survival seemed to be slowly killing me.

I could only stop that addictive process when I could no longer exhale.

Tick tock.

How many minutes had passed since I spent such a pitiful time?

Thud, thud. I felt someone approaching, who had been staring at me for a while.

I had no particular desire to turn my head, nor any reason to, so I merely gazed up at the sky filled with clouds.

But evidently, I was not the focus.

Tap.

“…Princess Anna. Now, what do you plan to do?”

“………..”

The footsteps I heard stopped right behind me.

A man’s voice came near as I pondered while looking up at the sky.

Out of the corner of my vision, I could see today’s newspaper in his hand.

Perhaps it was the peculiarity of him calling my name, or maybe I just wanted to confirm the identity of the meddler who interrupted my thoughts; I turned my head to look at the middle-aged man who had approached me.

He was the man who had been reading the newspaper on a bench in the square until I got off the carriage, now casually rolling up his sleeve.

On his wrist was a small emblem I recognized.

“…What’s going on? Surely you can’t forget my initial orders.”

“It’s cold outside. You might catch a cold.”

“…….”

The crow’s emblem bearing a sword.

He was one of the guards who had followed me from the Tesillia Kingdom to the Akard Empire.

Perhaps standing outside in the cold winter wind seemed precarious to them; one of them approached me, even breaking the unwritten rule of not making contact with the person they were meant to protect.

People who were drinking hot beverages from nearby shops, groups of women gossiping in a corner of the square, street vendors spreading their wares—all of them had been casting glances at me since earlier.

Were they subconsciously worried about my health?

Sometimes, their kindness felt heavy.

Someone like me should just be left alone.

“……Hah.”

“……….”

Thus, I had to make a decision.

Not making a decision out here in the cold and just lingering alone wasn’t only unfair to me; it was also a burden to them.

I came to see my sibling, yet I was throwing a tantrum, unable to face them myself.

But it was ironic; the ones suffering from my indecision weren’t me, but them.

That’s how it always was.

When I committed a wrongdoing, the price of that sin always fell upon someone else.

How many times had I wanted to tell those costs to just torment me instead?

Remy, Aris, all of them.

I heard it said that the only sin was having a useless older sister like me.

So why was it them who had to suffer?

Mistakes, sins.

All of those things did not originate from somewhere else; they resulted from my actions.

I could never allow my weakness to cause harm to others any longer.

“Now, I guess I should go meet them. Yes, let’s go…”

“……Understood.”

Right now, though, I just felt too exhausted.

The month-long journey had already been enough weight to bear on my body.

What made each step heavier now was this cold wind that felt like it clutched at my limbs.

Really, isn’t this just too much?

Of all days, it had to be this winter on the day I came to meet Remy.

As if the world were preparing to torment me.

It knew exactly how to bother me effectively.

So.

So.

“—Today, let’s just rest.”

“………..”

“Tomorrow, I will go meet Remy.”

Just one day should be fine.

I wanted to go to Muzeion right now and talk to Remy.

I wanted to ask if she was doing well, if she was eating properly, if she still hated me.

But right now, I was simply too weary.

I turned my steps toward the inn where I would temporarily stay.

A sky filled with gray clouds.

I fervently hoped that it wouldn’t snow tomorrow, covering the world in white.

“…—!!!”

“….—!!”

So loud.

I raised my hand to cover my ears against the shouting resonating from the room.

But as I quickly realized that one arm was missing, I instead buried my face in my knees.

I thought that at least if I didn’t look ahead, I could quell this headache swirling in my head.

Like I was trying to sleep.

Huddled in the window frame, I prayed for time to drift by.

“…..Alice?”

“………..”

“Alice, are you hurt? Hmm?”

Tessa’s genuine concern for me.

Her hand stroked my head, which had cooled from the chilly breeze flowing in through the wide-open window.

Seeing my head move left and right of its own accord rather than under my control, I guessed she was indeed petting me.

What I wanted to say was that the very existence of all of you was the source of my anguish, but I couldn’t bring myself to voice it.

The blanket was cumbersome.

Even the emotions directed at me had now become tiresome.

All I could do was turn my head to the sides while burying it into my knees.

A child’s clumsy sulk.

Bang, bang!

“Damn it! Hey!! Be quiet!! Can’t you see Alice isn’t well?!”

“…—!!”

“…..—!”

“…—……”

Tessa’s voice, pounding on the wall, momentarily silenced the noise from the next room.

But that lasted only a moment; voices raised in argument soon resumed their loudness, showing no signs of stopping and only growing louder.

I could almost hear Tessa’s sigh echoing over to me.

With the raucous din, she and the others who had entered the foyer.

Expecting to see my brightly smiling face, they froze upon seeing my completely ruined appearance just as they opened the door.

Seeing their strange reaction, I realized the mistake I made.

What I thought was a smile reflected in the nearby mirror was definitely not a face anyone could look at with their eyes open.

Soon, Saelli, who quickly assessed that something unpleasant was happening, rushed over to me, but that didn’t really change anything.

I stayed there with my head down, still atop the window frame.

That hadn’t changed.

“Alice…no, Lady Aris. Do you remember everything?”

“……….”

“…Could you please tell me what happened? Please?”

They seemed to be under another funny misunderstanding.

Did they think that something had suddenly gone wrong enough to ruin my mood?

Memory returned—well, that’s true.

Though I never forgot in the first place.

But in a life painted with misunderstandings and deception, would another misunderstanding really change anything?

The only difference was whether I intended it or not.

But all of that has become meaningless by now.

Intentions? No one cares anymore.

People assess intentions through the visible results.

Everything is meaningless.

The shouts from inside the room escalated.

When I showed no response to the suggestion of having a meal, Saelli decided that it wouldn’t do to leave me as I was.

I was just sitting at the window frame, burying my head.

So long.

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