The Girl Wants to Be M*rdered

I like kind people.

I’m not talking about a boring division between good and evil, with no fun or emotion.

What I mean are those who can truly feel the pain of others as their own, and who cry together when someone else is sad.

Seeing such beautiful actions from afar warms my heart, and something unknown inside me starts to tingle.

For me, they are the sparkling stars in the sky.

When I lost my way, they became the guiding stars that approached me and shown me where to go.

When I lived alone and lonely, they became my joyful companions.

So.

I thought that such wonderful, lovable people should reach great heights in their growth.

Certainly, they deserve to be in those positions rather than a garbage bug like me.

Kind people must receive a corresponding reward.

However, just like a tree needs water and nutrients to grow, sacrifices are necessary for that growth.

But isn’t it far too miserable to force someone living a single, precious life to ultimately be devoured by someone else’s ambitions?

So, this is something only I can do.

I will try.

Even if it means sacrificing my insignificant life for them.

And in the very end…

If they just mourn and cry for me, that would be enough.

A single tear.

A single flower of harmony.

That defines the worth of my existence.

Clatter, clatter, I hear the cold, hard sound of ceramics piercing through the walls from afar. The irregular rhythm was enough to wake me from my slumber.

Looks like Elli Unnie is preparing a meal.

Now, when is it?

I just woke up and my consciousness is hazy.

Since I can’t see, I don’t have a clue if it’s morning, noon, or night. Elli Unnie, who always told me the time when I wondered, is over there far away.

Well, let’s go out for now.

When in doubt, heading out is the best policy.

…

I pushed away the blanket covering me and diligently fumbled around, looking for the object I needed. Although I’m getting treated, my left arm hasn’t fully healed, so I relied on my relatively sound right hand.

Tap, before long, I felt the touch of a cane. It was just the right length and weight for a child like me.

I think I found it faster than any of the previous days. Maybe I’ve started to get used to this life little by little?

Wobble, wobble.

…Ugh, ah.

Using the cane, I slowly stood up.

Tap, tap. I walked while rhythmically tapping the floor.

Considerate Elli Unnie had cleared out all unnecessary furniture for me, so I could walk forward without thinking and not bump into anything.

Thanks to that, I only needed to walk towards the sound of her voice.

This is so great.

After taking a few steps, the smell of food became stronger.

Tap, I felt some kind of bump under my toes. I must have crossed a threshold. This must be the kitchen. The clattering sounds were definitely louder than before.

She must be right in front of me.

“—Oh, you’re up already?”

Elli Unnie!

A bright yet polite voice welcomed me. Every time I hear it, I think her voice is really pretty.

Saelli, who I shorten to Elli Unnie, halted her work the moment she spotted me and rushed over.

I could ask if she could see me, but it’s more like I felt her than actually saw her.

I’ve been born blind several times.

Of course, I had far more experiences of becoming blind due to someone else.

Sometimes, it was even fun to experience the fresh feeling of losing the sense we rely on the most, sight.

“Oh dear, I must have been a bit loud.”

Ugh, no…

Swoosh, she took the cane from my hand and placed it aside gently, as if she was cradling a delicate glasswork.

I felt warmth, a softness that I had never really experienced before, wrapping around my entire body.

My parents didn’t hug me well, and even though Remi was a bit uncomfortable, Anna’s hugging skills were top-notch…but, her physique was just…unfortunate.

I delighted in her kindness.

Kindness, indeed, resided in my heart.

Hehe…

“I was going to wake you when the food was all ready… but really, it’s dangerous to walk alone, isn’t it?”

Ugh… I just woke up, and I felt uneasy because you weren’t next to me… I’m sorry…

“…I see.”

Swoosh, swoosh, she gently stroked my head.

Her touch was so delicate, it was as if she were a child trying to handle a bubble that would burst if touched.

But even that touch made me feel good, and a smile naturally appeared on my face.

While nestled in her warm embrace, the drowsiness I had put off returned. Ah, but I need to eat…

Still, I feel sleepy.

Just a little longer, I want to stay like this.

“Really… what can I do?”

Hehe….

Before eating, I decided to enjoy her kindness a little longer.

…

The meal was a clear soup like porridge.

Other than that, I don’t have any room for expression. I couldn’t taste it, nor could I see it.

Elli said she was sorry she could only prepare this. She said since my body, including my organs, wasn’t fully healed, she had no choice but to avoid strong foods.

For me, I don’t grow by enjoying the taste and aroma of food, but by consuming the love and effort contained within. So, it didn’t matter.

The soup had a thick texture and clung well to my mouth.

After a few spoonfuls.

Tap, I hit the empty plate with my spoon.

All done.

Elli! It was super delicious!!

“That was just a simple meal.”

Ugh, really!

“Haha…”

The meal ended quite quickly.

The amount was adjusted so I wouldn’t overdo it, and the temperature was just right for me to eat easily.

I really like people who pay such detailed attention.

It’s something you can’t do without concern and affection for others.

After eating, Elli moved me back to my room. I felt like a baby koala, hanging onto Elli’s body, relishing the short transit time.

Swing, swing.

♪

“It’s dangerous if you shake—”

After passing through several rooms and corners, she gently placed me on the bed. The sensation of the not-so-soft bed welcomed me.

Hoo, then, I heard a soft sigh escape her lips.

Every morning, after meals, this is our routine.

“—Is it time for ‘disinfection,’ Elli Unnie?”

“… Yes.”

Ugh,… it hurts, but I’ll try to endure it!

“… Yes.”

Her response was much shorter than before, and there was a long pause before she spoke. What could she be thinking as she looked at me?

I felt a slight tremor in her hands. Her breaths became a little more rapid.

Guilt, anguish, and—excitement. Such emotions mixed together.

Since I can’t see, it’s hard to tell. I need to see her expression to make a precise judgment.

Disinfection.

Elli called her actions by that name.

I spread my arms as wide as I could. Then, her hands approached to unfasten the buttons of my clothes one by one.

She began to expertly take off my clothes, and I felt a refreshing sense of liberation and the breeze blowing through the window, tickling my skin all over.

My top was removed first, and soon after, my bottom followed. Then, my bandages wrapped around my belly, calves, and left hand were all unwrapped.

Finally, she reached for the bandage covering my eyes and softly said,

“… When one eye moves, the other will too, so to avoid hurting the injured eye further, you must hold it shut, even if it’s itchy.”

“I understand, Elli Unnie.”

“… You’re a good child. Yes, you’re so kind.”

Swish, the bandage around my eyes was removed. While my eyes remained closed, the light that had been blocked by the bandage flooded through and hit my retina.

So bright.

And curious.

Unnie, your words are all true.

But, seriously—

Was there really a need for such tight binding when my eyeball wasn’t even damaged?

How did I get saved?

Perhaps the secret is hidden in the actions taking place now.

I was tempted to open my eyes and learn Elli’s secret, but being the good child I was, I closed them tightly.

If I opened my eyes now, our relationship would fall apart. I faithfully followed the warnings of my instincts that had built up over the years.

Right.

Not yet, not yet.

I must wait until she truly cherishes me.

Until she brings me regret and sorrow.

I have to wait until then.

“—Then, I’ll start now.”

“… Uh-huh.”

Well, I’ve already planted the seeds. Soon, the sprout will come up. I’ll just hold on until then.

Her whispers seemed to be right beside my ear.

Feeling her breath against my skin made me want to pull back, but my right hand—currently capable of moving—had somehow laced its fingers with Elli Unnie’s left hand.

Her hands wrapped around my back.

Like a predator, preparing to feast on its prey.

…

…

I heard breathing. Was it my sound or hers?

I felt the warm wind blowing gently over my eyes. It was as though she were breathing life back into my lifeless self.

What I know of disinfection is that it’s to prevent secondary infections caused by bacteria when a wound occurs.

But Elli Unnie’s disinfection seems to have a slightly different meaning.

Funny, isn’t it?

But a 10-year-old child who was raised only in a royal palace, and who doesn’t even know her own name, how would she possibly know such ‘common sense’?

Or, perhaps, do I think this is ‘normal’?

So I questioned nothing and followed her words without hesitation.

If it’s her word, I would believe it’s day even at night.

Elli Unnie.

I want to know more and more.

What are you hiding, our unnie?

So, for now, I’ll pretend I don’t know.

For now.

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