The First Mage

“Huh?” I said, perplexed at Lilana’s sudden request for me to leave her body. She had been uncharacteristically quiet since we got here, and I had wondered why that was, but this came as a surprise.

‘I changed my mind, and I want to go. Now. Or... come with me, as long as we leave as soon as possible.’

“Wait, what happened?” I said. If she would let me go with her, I was apparently not the problem. That would leave the others, but I was at a loss for what had made her demand that we leave immediately. Even if she might not like the others, this seemed extreme. She had learned that we’re public enemy number 1 in Alarna, but she had relaxed slightly after I told her a little bit about how we had only defended ourselves, so it shouldn’t be the issue either.

‘Are you serious...? You don’t know what the issue is!? These people you’re friends with are literal murderers! They killed a dozen soldiers! And that Tomar doesn’t seem to regret it one bit!’

“Oh...” I said. That’s the issue...

‘That’s all? “Oh?” I’m trying not to scream your head off right now, because I don’t think you’re actually that bad, but there’s a limit!!’

I grimaced, as pain shot through my head. Experiencing this over and over, I had to think about what exactly the cause of these headaches was. Tomar had complained about them a lot early on, but over time they had disappeared completely. Granted, I rarely yelled, but at first, just speaking normally from the backseat had been enough, even if talking loudly made it worse. With Lilana in the back, it had been the same experience for me. Do you just need to get used to that voice in your head? Does the gradual merge make the pain disappear? Though I thought that the pain had lessened when Lilana and I worked together, and it would be too early for the merge to set in. Maybe host and parasite need to be on the same wavelength? Ugh, focus, Miles! You can think about this later!

“Wait, I understand that this seems bad, but would you do me a favor? Try to see it from their point of view. They had to flee their hometown, they were pursued hundreds of kilometers to another town, they had nowhere to go, and soldiers had tried to kill them more than once. They had to flee again and finally found themselves in a situation where they had to make a decision between killing or getting killed. What happened there was... unfortunate, but they didn’t have much of a choice.”

‘How would you know!? Tomar didn’t go too much into the details! Instead he played down the fact that they killed so many people who were just doing their job!’

“Their job...? Is that what you think they’re doing? And it’s probably all part of the gods’ plan, right? Let’s run with that, do you think it’s a priest’s job to torture a seven year old girl!?”

‘What...?’

We had never really talked to Riala about what had happened in prison, because she seemed fine, and Tomar wanted to just forget about it as well, but he did tell me what it had been like for him. After passing Tomar’s pain threshold back then, even I had started to feel the pain vividly, and it had been much worse for him. He felt like he was dying over and over, and that feeling had persisted for what felt like hours. I didn’t even want to think about what this experience must’ve been like for Riala. A young girl who had been alone in her cell with that maniac Oryn. I told Lilana the story, but as a faithful member of the temple, she was reluctant to believe it.

‘Are you that desperate to find a justification for their actions? I know Oryn is weird, but he would never torture someone like that!’

“Ugh!” I grunted. She wasn’t entirely wrong, she had no real reason to just take my word for it. We had known each other for only a day, but she had lived in the temple for years and knew its priests. What she had said still rubbed me the wrong way though. “You won’t believe that the guy who came into your cell to test drawing water from your body without your consent, and who proceeded to essentially blow himself up like a lunatic wouldn’t do something like that!? Really!? Not even in the pursuit of his research? You can’t possibly be that blind!”

‘I...’ she started in a whisper. It took her a moment before she went back on her rant. ‘It doesn’t matter! Whatever Oryn did or didn’t do, he didn’t kill anyone!’

“You’re saying you would never ever kill anyone? Under any circumstances?”

‘No, never! The gods detest violence!’

“The... gods...? They detest... Hahahaha!” I said and laughed at the absurdity. “You can’t be serious! People are being killed even for stealing in this world! You yourself would have almost been killed, just because you had a voice in your head! They would’ve killed Tomar and Riala after they got what they wanted out of them! They would’ve killed Berla because she can’t fight anymore! And Reurig because he doesn’t want to be a fighter! Either nobody here cares about what the gods want, or the gods are assholes who don’t care about the lives of the people! Detesting violence and letting all of this happen down here do not mix!”

‘But I would never do it!’

“Is that so? You want to be the head of the temple, which means you will be responsible for the rituals. You probably believe that Mad Ones are people forsaken by the gods, right? And they are dangerous. Yet, one might appear during your reign. What do you do then?”

‘I... Maybe... Or...’

As I listened to her stammering, I calmed down a little. Just like Tomar, she was still a child. She was ambitious, but she had lofty ideals that were incompatible with the world she was living in, and she had never been confronted with this fact.

It’s an interesting statement though, I thought. “The gods don’t like violence.” Even though they are able to come down here, they aren’t doing anything about how the world works. Maybe it’s just that they don’t use violence themselves? Shae had tried to stop us from leaving Alarna, but she only talked to us. The other two had removed me from Tomar’s body, but afterwards they had apparently mentioned a protocol, which dictated that Tomar and Riala should be left alone after that. That sounded like them not being allowed to do anything... I kind of want to sit down and talk to a god some day.

“Listen, I understand this is difficult for you, and you don’t need to answer me right now. I’m just asking you to be open-minded. There are situations where there is no other way.”

‘You found one...’ she mumbled, probably while still thinking about her strategy to handle Mad Ones.

“I found what...?”

‘A way not to kill! You fled the temple without seriously hurting anyone! And you went through a gate! And then escaped a squad of guards! There are alternatives.’

Until Lilana pointed out that I had gotten out of Alarna without actively injuring anyone, I hadn’t realized that during that entire time I hadn’t thought about killing someone even once. Not even as an option or a worst case scenario. That hadn’t always been the case though. I had never killed a person before, neither in this nor my previous life, and I hadn’t even been in the military or received any kind of training. However, there had been times in my life where I had wondered what it would be like to kill someone. I didn’t have a good enough reason to try it out, and it would be annoying to deal with the aftermath of such an experiment, but the curiosity had been there. However, it had been weeks since I last thought that it would be easier to just kill an enemy instead of finding another way.

What would I have done in Tomar’s place? I wondered. He had told us that the fight broke out when an agent grabbed Riala, which would’ve been a difficult situation. Killing that agent had probably been easy, while knocking him out would’ve required a lot of precision, and Riala might not have gotten away unscathed. Still, as long as I was thinking about this rationally, I don’t think going for the kill would’ve been my first instinct. A warning shot could’ve possibly intimidated them, though it had sounded like Captain Bern had been an annoying guy to work with. It would’ve also revealed our abilities, which they could’ve used against us. I couldn’t entirely refute Lilana’s assertion, however. Of course there’s always an alternative, and while I didn’t think that Tomar had done anything wrong, I’m not so sure I would’ve gone the same route, and that realization confused me.

When did Tomar become someone who is willing to kill people, while I’m trying to find a way not to? I thought. Still, I thought she was being a little unfair. “Tomar did all these things as well, you know? He escaped prison, he escaped through the eastern gate, and he fended off pursuers, all without hurting anyone. He actually went as far as letting an enemy join his group. Berla is with us because he couldn’t leave her behind after she lost her leg in a fight against a beast. He rescued her, and it was his decision to take her with us. She didn’t even want to come at first.”

‘If that’s true... how did he go from that to killing people...?’

“He was in a difficult situation and tried to protect his friends. They had been hunted for weeks, and the soldiers just wouldn’t go away. I don’t know if he made the right decision, but they did survive. All four of them are still here. Nobody knows what would’ve happened if they had chosen a different path. Even if you’re not willing to kill anyone, others will be. They might have killed Berla, Reurig, and maybe even Riala as soon as they captured them, to break Tomar and to have fewer mouths to feed on the way back.”

Lilana fell silent for a moment. I hope she doesn’t think about this too critically. If you were to approach the issue philosophically, you might say three or four dead people are better than thirteen.

“Would you give it a few days?” I asked, interrupting her thoughts. “Get to know them, hear what they’ve been through, and judge them based on that. Not just on the notion that they’ve done something seemingly unforgivable once. And keep in mind that humans sometimes do things they might not actually want to do.”

After a few moments she responded with a very hesitant “Okay...”

I had promised that I wouldn’t force anything on her, and if she truly wanted to leave, I would let her. I would also go with her if she wanted to, to fulfill my promise to help her.

Maybe I made too many promises to this girl in that moment of desperation in the temple’s cell... Is that why I’m being so diplomatic now? Or is that a new development as well...?