The Butcher of Gadobhra

The Master of the Market looked down from his lofty perch atop a maple branch at his work and found it to be good.

Work was progressing well. The market was laid out with brightly colored stalls being erected by some lesser fae while others showed up with large wagons of goods that were, in essence, a store on wheels. With permission to hire his lesser fae cousins, he'd arranged for musicians, fire eaters, and tricksters of all types. Lord Alwyn had provided flowering trees and bushes that his unicorns had encouraged to bloom for the first market day.

In the center of the market was a large pavilion where feasts and dancing would be held and to the side of that was a large faerie ring of giant toadstools. This would provide an endpoint for any of the High Fae who wished to visit the Market and dispense with the long journey through other realms that the lesser fae endured. Things seemed to be going well, and Gombrindle was pleased with the day's work.

Well, until he noticed that the damned hedge maze was an actual maze and not just a bit of scenery separating the market area from the nearby fields. Squinting, he saw there wasn't even a way through it! "Horby! What the hell are you doing with that maze?"

A lesser fay with hair like leaves and bright green skin looked up, smiled, and yelled back happily, "She's a beauty, isn't she?! She'll hold 99 humans and not let even one of them leave or find the market until the setting sun illuminates the sundial and the shadow points to the exit. One of my best mazes yet!"

Gombindle climbed down from the tall ladder he'd been using to trim the ribbon on the main tent, briefly wishing he was back in Tuckbottom selling ribbons to tourists during the annual Toadstool Festival. Times had been simpler then, and while there had still been just as many idiots, they hadn't been his responsibility.

It only took one look at his lovely wife, Princess Fairchild, reclining on a blanket in the sun and enjoying a glass of the local wine to dispel that feeling. She waved to him when she saw his glance and blew him a kiss. All thoughts of Tuckbottom blew away and he went to deal with his latest problem.

"Horby, I think we have a small misunderstanding. I distinctly remember asking for a simple arrangement of tall hedges to hide the market area, with wide, grassy paths to accommodate the crowds, and a simple set of twists and turns that would heighten the anticipation of the mortals coming to shop. What part of that didn't you understand?"

Horby scratched his head. "Pretty much all of it! Mazes are for trapping mortals! You don't make it easy on them and let them just walk right on through! They'll end up in the market and buying stuff, and not at all frustrated by my enchanted puzzle mazes. I figured you just explained things badly and decided to do things my way!"

Grombindle hadn't understood the mortal term 'facepalm' when he arrived in these strange lands. But he did now, and while he saved the strange gesture for only special occasions, he used it now. Any lesser fae who saw the scene laughed or grimaced, depending on how close they were related to Horby.

"Oh, I agree that I made an error, Horby. But I think I can fix it damned quick." He put his arm around the shoulders of his 7th cousin nine times removed, from his mother's sister's baker's side of the family, and whispered in his ear. Public shaming was always a more serious punishment, and he might need Horby and his mazes the next time they needed a fast getaway from a bad situation.

"I'm going to walk away, and you have a short smidgeon of time not less than three minutes and not more than nine minutes to reconsider my words and their most probable meaning from my viewpoint, and fix things. Failure will mean a trip to the Duchesses Realm to feed the Rippy Fish by hand."

Horby's eyes grew large, then larger again, and he ran for the maze, pulling out his Flaming Vorpal Hedgetrimmer of Hasty Landscaping, and got to work altering the hedge maze to better reflect the wishes of the Master of the Market. Gombrindle approached his wife, bowed low, and said, "Would it please the princess to share her blanket with her husband?"

Gwendolyn Fairchild, Princess of the Realm, inclined her head in a short bow and patted the blanket next to her, far closer than Gombrindle would normally have chosen. "Yes, sit. We need to talk." She poured him a large glass of wine. "Please drink this, and I'll pour another. This discussion may cause you some stress, and I can see that getting ready for the first Market Day is already doing that."

Gom drank but had a sinking feeling in his stomach. He'd been waiting in dread for this day, ever since his lovely wife had accepted his ribbon and fallen under the enchantment placed upon her. He noticed that she wasn't wearing that ribbon in her hair today.

"Oh, boy. Let me explain..."

She glared at him. "You will do no such thing! Nor will you apologize, hem, haw, prevaricate, or beg. I am talking!"

He nodded three times, scared to say anything. She handed him another glass of wine and resumed the discussion in which only she was taking part. "We will agree that some time ago, Lord Airthistle paid the price of seventeen chests of gems to the Sorceress Gloriunda, Witch of the Topaz Tower, a woman thought to be one of the most successful match-makers of her generation, for an enchantment to be set upon me. Said enchantment to be a conditional Love Spell of Matrimony, with the condition being a hair ribbon the color of spun gold. To his great disappointment, it was you, and not he, who first gave me such a ribbon, causing me to become entirely twitterpated and hopelessly in love with you, leading to a quick wedding on the following Thursday. Nod your head if you agree with this summary of the events."

Gombrindle nodded, fearing what came next.

"Do you know how long such a spell lasts, Lord Gombindle, advisor to King Oberon, and Master of the Market in the mortal lands of Countess Silverthorn? You may answer, briefly."

"I've got no clue, but I'm thinking not long enough for you to be still under its effects."

"Correct, possibly not for the reason you are thinking. But correct."

Gombrindel stood up. "OK, I can guess the next part. Give me the traditional three steps toward the door before you set the hounds on me."

"Oh, don't be silly! Sit down and drink your wine. Why would I send the hounds after you when I could use those lovely goats Lord Alwyn is raising? So much more fun. You'd bribe the hounds and escape. The goats are slaves to their stomachs and enjoy the chase."

Sadly, Gombrindle had already thought about what he would bribe the hounds with. Goats he was nervous about. "Yes, Ma'am. Sitting. Drinking."

She patted his head. "Good boy. Why did I marry you, Gom?"

"Is this a trick question? A ribbon and a love spell."

She shook her head. "The ribbon I will always cherish, it's currently being enhanced with a dozen large diamonds or I would be wearing it now. As to the love spell, it never took hold. I am not some airheaded heiress too stupid to take precautions and avoid dragons, over-enthusiastic knights, curses, and enchantments. When Gloriunda realized her spell didn't take, she offered me half of her payment to play along with the scheme until the wedding when I could crush Lord Airthistle's soul by refusing him at the altar. It would have been an instant bit of sensational gossip! But instead, I accepted your ribbon."

Gom turned his head and stared at her, confused. "And why the hell would you want a lesser fae for a husband, even one so handsomely roguish as myself? You're a frigging Princess! As much as I grabbed for the brass ring, I'm still confused as to why no one stopped the wedding."

"A simple answer. I spread the word I would be very upset, find the idiots who interfered, and sell them into serfdom in a dwarven iron mine for seven years."

"Damn, now that's a threat. Still, I was always afraid you'd wake up someday and realize you were a Princess married to a goblin!"

"A bored Princess! And don't forget the part about you being roguishly handsome. Crushing someone's hopes at the altar is so cliche. It had already happened six times that season alone, and countless times in years past. So boring! So utterly boring. Instead, I did something no one expected and it was exciting! People were talking about me immediately, both the lesser and the Greater Fae. Even the King heard the tale and complimented me on my choice. I think the novelty amused King Oberon, in a way so little does. And while Lord Airthistle could have accepted me refusing him the moment before we were wed, your move still has him confused and the laughter behind his back is so much greater. I still can't believe he tried the old 'love potion number nine' ploy."

"OK, so why are you still around, then? Don't get me wrong! This has been the best months of my life but I always knew it couldn't last."

"Simple, my handsome husband, because I'm the opposite of bored with you. Just that first day was amazing! Father's expression of confused hope, Mother and all her sisters fainting dead away! Exquisite. Who knew that was only the start of our little adventure? Front row seats to a glorious battle between the old Duchess and five mortal heroes, followed by a gnomish invasion force of Bankers and Lawyers? Such a day."

"And then I watched my new husband somehow dance between the raindrops of politics and disaster to become not only the King's newest advisor but the first of the lesser fae to do so in centuries!"

"Yeah, I was sweating during those negotiations."

"I trembled inside, excited but knowing that death by cold iron was only a few steps away. Taking your arm as you accompanied the King to the negotiating table put me closer to power than any of my family has ever been. I'm not sure I liked the feeling, truthfully, as much as others long for it. Truthfully, I don't think any of the High Fae could have stood so casually in front of the Butcher and negotiated half so well as you did. I was so proud of you in that moment. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

"Well, I'm hoping that I'm interpreting the deal correctly and that you're saying you want to keep me around?"

"Yes, I want to stay married. I want children, hopefully, some that look like you. And I want a house."

"You got it. Which Realm? I can pull some strings."

"None. I want a large mansion, here at the market. We'll put it beneath a large glamour, of course, except to show off on market days. It's exciting here. Already today I've seen two hobgoblins chased over hill and dale by an annoyed sedge beast, a fireworks wagon explode spontaneously, I've talked with dryads and frolicked with unicorns. Not to mention the ongoing fun of watching one of your helpers destroy his enchanted hedge and managing to slice off his own beard."

Gombrindle sighed, "And it's barely noon. OK, so, a large house here in Sedgewick. Frankly, that will help me carry on with the work on this market and let me work together with Lord Alwyn. It's not always going to be exciting. There will be some boring days."

"We'll visit Sedgewick on those days. And once the first batch of children arrives, I'll have fun watching them help you with your tasks."

Gom relaxed. If she saw an upside in a couple of dozen rugrats causing chaos, she was here to stay.

Down by the market, most of the hedge was on fire, and the badgers were taking bets on how far it would spread.