The Butcher of Gadobhra

"I bid,....I bid 125 thousand."

"126." Jerry was getting nervous as the total increased.

The auctioneer sighed. "Sir, as was stated in the rules of the auction: After bidding breaches the level of 100 thousand or more, all bids must be increases of 5000 gold pieces over the last bid. I don't wish to be here all day when you two start bidding a silver at a time."

"Right, well, 130 thousand, then."

"135!"

There was a pause. Chuck from Raxxon held the high bid. Both he and Jerry from Tesladyne were sweating, conferring with accountants, and trying to watch both of their opponents at the same time. The Captain, for his part, seemed to be relaxed and enjoying himself. He brought out a huge cigar and blew smoke rings that his parrot chased through the air and ate when it caught them. His two attendants disposed of the empty beer steins and then brought fresh beverages and a snack tray.

"You boys look nervous, need a beer? On me, and feel free to grab some of the fried squid bits, very tasty."

The auctioneer yelled out, "135 going once...."

The Captain considered for a moment, "What do you girls think?"

Daria was hoping very much that this man would stay close and buy that business. Husbands with money were hard to find, and her dowry was meager, her five older sisters having plundered the family coffers first when they married. A good-tipping customer like her father's new friend could make a difference in how soon they could afford a wedding. "Father always says fortune favors the bold."

"135 going twice..."

Polina said quickly, "Go big or go back to your boat."

"One hundred and fifty thousand gold coins!" The girls clapped, the auctioneer smiled, and everyone watching applauded. Except Chuck and Jerry, who looked at each other in a panic.

"Sir, a small break to wet our throats and consider our options."

The auctioneer didn't mind. He suspected that each man would try to arrange additional funding in some manner. He looked at the Captain, who nodded his head and smiled. "15 minute break."

He quickly walked to his carriage and once the door was shut, pulled out a scuffed crystal scrying device. Slamming it twice on the side of the carriage to wake it up, he spoke softly. "This is Auctioneer Arman Harriman in Wolfsburg. I have a real estate auction that has passed 150 thousand gold and per regulations, need to verify certain funds held in escrow in the Gnomish Banking System. The three bidders are: Jerry Osterman of the Tesladyne Corporation, Charles Ignatius Bowman of the Raxxon Corporation, and Captain Ozimandias Shipbreaker of the Auric Smokecutter, Splinter. Please advise."

He waited nervously for the reply, as the minutes ticked by. "Sorry for the wait, Mr. Harriman. We show that The Raxxon Corporation Deposited 57,000 gold into escrow along with a verified letter of credit from Countess Blightworthy for up to 100,000 gold. Interestingly, The Tessladyne Corporation deposited 64,000 into escrow and has a letter of credit from Countess Blightworthy for 98, 000 gold. In both cases, the corporations pledged the building being bid on as collateral for their loans."

"And the Captain?"

"The Captain is a Gold Account Holder of the Gnomish bank, with extensive lines of credit backed directly by the bank itself. They wouldn't give us a total but seem confident he can't reach his limit. Good luck! You've got three whales, hook the biggest and reel them in."

Feeling more assured, the Auctioneer checked his watch and went back to his podium.

The two human agents had swallowed their antagonism and closed ranks against the common enemy.

"He's not going to quit, and neither of us are going to get this. I know you don't have much left. We hired a Dwarven Miner with the Goldsniffer ability to sniff out what you brought into the auction house."

"Neither do you, I can tell by that twitch in your eye. You're tapped out, just like most of the poker games you tried to bluff in. And for the record, I hate dealing with the fantasy shit where you never know what the hell someone can do."

"You always were slow to catch on to the new sales techniques. But level with me, I've got one bid left. You?"

"Same. Don't tell me you're suggesting we work together?"

"It's the only way. We're both in territory where the bosses will hate losing but don't want to pay that much to win. That warehouse is huge. We could split it down the middle and each will have enough room to do business. I say we each put in 80k and bid 160k on the property."

"I don't think that will do it."

"It will if we convince him of an alternate way to profit. Look at him. He's a friggin Pirate! He'll take a bribe if it's in gold. They love gold."

"Everyone loves gold! But it's worth a try. Let's see if he'll take a quick profit. Write something out quick and dirty."

"Was doing that for the last five minutes. Read it, sign, and take a copy."

Smiling, the two men accepted the Captain's invitation to have a beer. Both humans felt better after the cold beer hit their bellies.

Chuck tried to ask as casually as he could, "So, what are your plans for that building, if successful in your bids, Captain? Thinking of renting it out? My corporation might be interested."

The large man chuckled. "Oh, no plans at all. I don't intend to buy it and use it."

"What the hell!?! You're just bidding us up! We could drop it on you and you're out 150 thousand gold!"

"No worries lads. I could decide just to let it sit and go up in value. They aren't making any more land these days. Well, except when Fyre and Rock get feisty. Do you think land is expensive here? You should try finding some in the Smoke. But there are corporations swimming around looking for a tasty morsel in the cities. Most didn't know about this sneaky little auction you set up, but I like to listen to the winds when I'm in port. You never know what secrets they'll put in your ears. I can buy that building for 150 sacks of coins and flip it to someone else, making a nice profit for a little work and the fun of drinking beer with two beautiful young ladies."

"No one has that kind of money yet."

The Captain took a long pull of his beer and winked. "I may know a couple. Half of being a pirate is finding the loot, and the other half is selling it. If you don't think the Brotherhood has made connections with every corporation in the world, you're sadly mistaken."

"Bullshit, you're bluffing." Jerry didn't believe for a second that some make-believe pirate had corporate connections.

"Ask Colonel Carruthers, Dr. Barklight, or Count Veelo. And if you want their 'otherworld names' I can give you those too, but I'm sure you don't want your boss's names bantered about on the winds. Who knows who is listening?"

Jerry looked confused and Charlie went white but rallied. "Look, let's say that's all true. But if you make a profit, the tax guys will come after you, and they'll want their yearly taxes if you hold the property too long. It's a money loser until you unload it. Work with us and you can make an instant, tax-free chunk of profit, in gold."

"Well, the winds can indeed change, and I do like gold. So maybe you boys could make a small gift to me, and I suddenly get quiet. Those auction rules are woefully silent on small things like this. Fast and loose, just the way I like to play"

"We'll give you ten thousand."

The Pirate scoffed. "I can flip that charred building for 10% without trying. Maybe to one of your bosses tomorrow."

"Fine, 15k it is." Jerry held out his hand. Ozzy ignored it.

"25k or quit drinking my beer."

Chuck countered, "20k, that's a fair compromise."

The auctioneer was walking out of his carriage. The Pirate scowled, "Insinuation a pirate would accept a 'Fair Compromise' is fighting words! And insulting me with a low offer? Piss on your 'Fair Compromise!' The price just went up to 30k. And you best think quick lads, otherwise the price might go up again, or the auctioneer will ask you for bids."

The two looked at each other. "Agreed." "Yes."

The Pirate smiled at them. "Nice doing business with you. I want my 30k in gold, now. If you don't have it, then I want you to swear an Oath to Hermes, promising that you will pay me at the earliest convenience." He spit on his hands and held them out. They each shook a hand and repeated the simple oath that the Pirate recited to them. Both corporate employees were slightly unsettled to see that the game system responded to their oath.

Hermes, God of Commerce, War, and All Things Cool, has heard your Oath!

Captain Ozymandias Shipbreaker has had too much beer and reconsidered his purchase of a building that isn't even on an island!

The Tesladyne Corporation and Raxxon Corporation will 'gift' the Captain with 15,000 gold each, tokens of the esteem in which they hold him and his profession. Vouchers from the Gnomish Bank of Wolfsburg have been submitted for payment.

So let it be written. So let it be done!

The auctioneer yelled out, "Gentlemen, does anyone bid higher than 150,000 gold pieces?"

Chuck spoke up, "I bid 160,000 gold."

The Captain shook his head, sadly. "Too rich for this old pirate. I'm out."

Jerry glared at Chuck, "I hate losing to Raxxon, but I have to admit when I'm beaten. No further bids."

The auctioneer was saddened, but he'd half expected such a deal. Bribing a competitor to drop out was a common occurrence, although generally done in a less obvious manner. It wasn't against the rules for this auction, so he contented himself with his large commission on the sale and wished more pirate captains would wander into his auctions.

"Going once, twice, thrice! Sold to Raxxon Corporation for 160,000 gold pieces. I thank you all for coming, it's been a wonderful day."

The crowd dispersed. The pirate walked arm in arm with his two assistants back to the restaurant for dessert. The girls had told Ozzy that their mother made a great flan.

The auctioneer had thought he was finished for the day when his buyer informed him of further complications. "You bought the property together? Highly unusual, but not illegal or in violation of the rules. How are we handling this?"

"Both of our respective corporations have a lawyer and supervisor on the way, along with an expanded contract to replace the temporary one we worked out on the fly. If you don't mind waiting two hours, they will be teleporting to Wolfsburg and taking a carriage here. Perhaps we can compensate you with dinner?"

"You can. But I prefer to dine alone. I want to avoid any hint of collaboration on my part. You two can do whatever you wish. I will dine at Vassily's. The lasagna is exquisite. You can pick up the bill, later. See you in two hours gentlemen." Auctioneer Harriman wasn't surprised to see that the Captain was dining there as well. Trust a Pirate to know where the best food and ale were. And girls. Those young ladies seemed very happy with him, blushing, showering with kisses on his cheeks, then running off into the building shouting for their father. Vassily came out, shook the Pirate's hand enthusiastically, and declared him one of the family.

The auctioneer considered the scene. The man was handsome and probably the black sheep of some noble family by the looks of him. With a bank account like that, it wasn't odd that Vassily was happy marrying off both his daughters at once. All of them went into the house together, and he finished his meal and took a nap until he was needed.

Inside, Vassily and his wife, Emelda were insistent. "No, it is the least we can do, putting you up for the night in our guest room. You bequeathed our daughters with dowries of 10,000 gold each! They are rushing off to find their suitors and demand rings from each of those boys. Good boys, and hard workers, but without two copper to rub together. Restaurant families are large, and like my girls, they are the youngest. You'll have to come to the weddings. We insist."

His wife was equally insistent, "And to the blessing ceremonies when I gain more grandchildren. We insist."

Ozzy hadn't planned a night off, but maybe a quick 30k profit split between him and his assistants called for some celebration. A night drinking brandy with Vassily and sleeping in a featherbed sounded like a good thing.

Two hours later the auctioneer had handled the payment from each corporation and the lawyers had argued out their contract to share the building and the costs of refurbishing it. They were just about to sign the contract when a stern voice said, "Not so fast!"

Colonel Caruthers ignored the voice and went to sign the contract, but the inkwell was dry. Count Veelo found his pen would not work either.

A stern and unwavering voice called out, "No contract for the sale of that building can be signed. I declare this auction to be unsanctioned, extra-legal, uncalled for, null, and void on the grounds of false assumptions made that allowed the auction to take place in the first place."

Everyone turned to see the dangerous-looking gnome dressed in an immaculate pinstriped suit and a stylish top hat. Pale leather gloves, white suspenders with gold clasps, and shiny black shoes completed his outfit. His hair was the pure white that is left when old age has bleached out any natural color, but his eyes twinkled and his stance was as steady as a warrior awaiting battle. He brandished a shiny black cane at them with a silver dragon head for a handle.

One of the lawyers said, "And who are you?"

"Pleased to meet you. I am Elgebert Coppertwist of the Law Firm Coppertwist, Fellrock, Kindfeld, and Bumplasonek, Attorneys at Law."

"Aren't you a little short for a lawyer?"

The gnome's eyes narrowed and he pointed his cane.

"Gag Order."

"Accusation of Slander and Insults not becoming of a Fellow Lawyer."

"Request for Immediate Hearing, a fair and impartial trial, and immediate judgment."

The lawyer who had made the slanderous statement found himself tightly gagged with chains on his arms and legs. Everyone else found themselves seated on chairs as a wooden judge's bench appeared with a bewigged gremlin seated atop it and brandishing a large hammer. A small brash plaque proclaimed 'Hasty Court of Immediate, Fair and Impartial Judgement, Judge Tobias Ruffian, presiding.'

The hammer slammed down. "Charges, Mr. Coppertwist?"

"Slanderous insults of a racial nature implying that height is needed to practice law. This insult was personally delivered but carries racial overtones and discrimination based on physical form. I will not belabor the point as it insults the court's intelligence."

"Just so. Just so." The gremlin hopped to the top of his desk, showing off his bare feet and two-foot height. "What do you have to say for yourself? Ungag."

Allowed to speak, the human lawyer exploded. "What the hell is the meaning of this? He's short, I made a joke, this is..."

"Gag. Well, that's enough out of you. Anyone stupid enough to self-incriminate and toss insults like that isn't fit to practice law." The hammer slammed down. "Guilty as charged. Balls in your court, Mr. Coppertwist. What are you asking for in compensation."

"My time is valuable, as is the courts. I ask for an injunction against this human from practicing law in Genesis, his expulsion from the game for 1 year, and an apology from his employer. If such slights on a person's honor are allowed, anarchy will rule and we will be back to settling lawsuits with heavy cannons."

The judge pointed to the head of Raxxon. "I see that this is one of yours, Count Veelo. You can apologize for your minion and get on with life, or we can expand the scope of this trial to a full hearing. It is my opinion that Mr. Coppertwist is being quite lenient for such a slanderous accusation. And I ain't too happy about it, personally."

"Yes, yes. I and all of Raxxon apologize profusely, Mr. Coppertwist. I will vet my minions better and institute classes on proper conduct in this wonderful world. You have my word on this."

The gnome bowed, slightly. "Apology accepted. Thank you, your honor."

The gremlin and all the court furnishings he'd brought disappeared, and a lingering voice said, "Court adjourned, I'm out of here."

The offending lawyer disappeared, banished from the world.

The Lawyer looked at the humans, "Ready to pay attention now? Or do you need another lesson in manners?" No one spoke, and the gnome continued. "This sale was dependent on the Baron William of Gadobhra defaulting on his taxes and a series of orchestrated events I'm not going to bother to go into. The purpose of this was to declare that Ozzy, the Butcher of Sedgewick and an employee of the Baron of Gadobhra was not a valid member of the Butcher's Guild in this city. However, that is not the case. William is still Baron of Gadobhra. The Butcher of Sedgewick is still a member of the Butcher's Guild of Gadobhra and by the extension of paying his dues, a member of the Butcher's Guild of Wolfsburg. His ownership of the building is legal, but this auction is not."

He looked around at everyone and his gaze alighted on the auctioneer. The auctioneer bowed low. "It is as you state. My employers took on this auction with the understanding that it was legal. If the information given to us is in error, then the auction is now null and void. I will immediately refund the payments to both corporations, minus the fees."

The remaining lawyer exclaimed, "Fees, what fees? There was no sale!"

Auctioneer Harriman rolled his eyes. "Does no one read the agreements? It was even sent as a system message to all bidders and they agreed to it. Payment is due immediately and the portion of the payment due to the auction house is immediately transferred to our account as payment while the amount due to other persons is held in escrow until payment can be made. That escrow amount is available to reimburse your purchase, in the amount of 40,000 gold each. The 50% fee for a non-standard auction is not. With no sale, the fee can't come from the amount that would have gone to the property's owner, so it is your responsibility to pay, which you already have. Good day, gentlemen." Before anyone could move he was in his carriage, the driver cracked the reins and they left.

Count Veelo's face turned ruddy and he sputtered, "He can't do that to us! We'll see you in court!"

Colonel Carruthers took the opportunity to needle his old friend. "You'll need another lawyer, first. Your last one is gone for a year, and I think you should fire him."

The Count turned to Lawyer Coppertwist. "You seem like a sharp fellow. I'd like you to consider working for Raxxon."

The gnome smiled, barely. "You can't afford me." There was a crack like thunder that accompanied a globe of energy forming around the gnome, and he was gone.

Count Veelo and Colonel Carruthers turned to their minions. Count Veelo spoke first, "So, we are each out 40,000 gold in auction fees, emptying both corporation's bank accounts and setting us back for some time. And no building. Does that sum it up, gentlemen?"

Jerry sat down on the ground and held his head. Chuck tried to explain the additional details, "There's also the 15,000 gold from each of us, that we used to bribe a pirate."

Carruthers smiled, "Oh, a pirate was involved? Well, that explains everything. Maybe I should hire him? He sounds like someone competent at least."