The Broken Prince's Love

Cedar wasn't quite sure whether that night was horrible or wonderful. Even his dreams couldn't seem to come to a conclusion in that regard.

He wasn't even sure whether he was dreaming before he noticed that the layout of the palace didn't make sense. The hallways were too long or short. The staircases had a strange amount of steps that seemed to change each time, and the rooms weren't where they should be. Still, there was one awful realistic thing.

Lucille looked like Cedar might as well be talking to her right now. She was as beautiful as always, and her red hair fell onto her back while looking so soft that he wanted to touch it. Since this was a dream, one thought was enough for him to reach out to roll a strand of her hair around his finger. Then he brought it to his mouth and pressed a small kiss on it. And since this was a dream, Lucille also reacted favorably and didn't push him away in confusion. She just blushed and averted her eyes.

That allowed him to relish in how soft her hair felt a bit longer. Of course, his mind wasn't that kind though. He wasn't able to do so for much longer. A few seconds passed, he feared that he would lose her, and then it was over.

Lucille vanished from his grasp.

Cedar didn't need to wonder about what would happen next. It wasn't surprising when he rounded the corner, only to find Lucille next to his brother.

Lucille was hugging Theodore, and it looked like the emperor would kiss her soon. That made it even more obvious that this was a dream. Theodore would never cheat on his wife. He would rather tear out his heart and offer it to Blanche in a jar. So, it seemed like this was just another nightmare.

Cedar was used to seeing the times he had been jealous of his brother, but being envious when it came to romantic relationships was new. Apparently, he cared about Lucille enough to worry about losing her to Theodore too. Great. So, his mother's words had managed to make him even more uncertain than before. That didn't tell him anything good about how he had held back from developing feelings for Lucille. If he was already jealous now, that wasn't helpful at all.

Cedar turned away and focused on the hallways around him. It was as strange as one would have expected it from a dream. He saw random nobles despite them never having been able to enter the palace. There were old rooms that had been changed a while ago and now looked completely different. And there also was the door that led outside, to the inner courtyard of the palace. Cedar could already guess what he would see there, but he automatically opened the door and stepped outside.

Of course, she had to be here too. Althea's white dress made her seem like an angel as she stood in the courtyard and laughed at something.

Cedar knew from experience that this scene wouldn't stay peaceful much longer.

But right now, Althea still smiled at someone who was probably a younger version of Theodore, and when she spotted Cedar, she waved.

The prince waved back while trying to ignore how strange the scenery was. He could have sworn that there were too many trees, which were much too tall. There were traces of broken toys around him as well. He had destroyed countless of Theodore's belongings during his childhood, but he definitely hadn't placed them in the courtyard. This was completely wrong. That gave him the final push. Cedar had only looked away for a second, and when he turned back, he was greeted by the typical scene of his nightmares.

Althea was bloody now. She looked like she had when she had been lying on the floor of the carriage after being killed upon saving Theodore's life. She had the same content smile on her lips because she knew that her son was still alive.

As always, a wave of guilt crashed over Cedar. He almost expected Althea to open her mouth to blame him now. That didn't happen this time, but he still didn't dare to be content. Could it get worse than that? Surely. His mind was always happy to surprise him.

The next thing he saw was the fireplace.

He almost felt the need to throw up. He gave his best not to think about anything related to the pain he felt that day, or his dream might recreate it. So, he turned his head away and forced himself to think back to better times. Some nice moments might be able to keep him from remembering this day.

It had only been a few seconds since he had thought that, and the scenery changed. The room had much more child-like furniture now, which meant that it was similar to the room that Cedar had lived in before going into confinement. But the furniture betrayed that it had to be an even older version of that room.

Cedar looked around and felt like everything was a bit strange. Of course, the layout didn't quite make sense and changed a little each time he looked, but there was still some logic behind this scenery. He was just at the wrong height. He was definitely a child here. It seemed like it was even a rather young one.

He looked up and skeptically scanned the chair next to him, which looked like it was so high that he would need to shuffle around a bit if he wanted to get on without help. His eyes fell on something in front of him, and he froze.

There was a rocking chair in front of the window. The woman that sat there was much younger than she was now. There was at least a fifteen-year difference. But still, it was easy to recognize her.

Right now, Camille seemed to feel like she was alone, so she didn't even show her cold expression but just had a neutral face.

Cedar stood there and stared at her for a moment. Then he spoke up in a voice that was much too high-pitched to be his normal one. “Mother?”

Camille looked up from her book, and a bright smile appeared on her face. “Yes?” Something good had to have happened, or she wouldn't be this kind.

Cedar would usually take that as his cue to be careful. After all, it probably meant that something bad had happened to Theodore or Althea. Or his father hadn't ignored his wife today. In any case, Cedar should be skeptical. But his dream self didn't seem to understand that. He babbled on in that childlike voice. “I won today! I defeated my teacher, and he praised me. And I finished the book you gave me.” He almost expected his mother to continue reading with indifference.

But today, Camille seemed to be in a very good mood. She set the book aside, continued to smile and extended her arms toward him.

It should have been obvious how he would react. When he had been a child, there had only ever been one choice. He hurried toward her and climbed onto her lap.

Camille wrapped her arms around him and allowed him to lean against her. She patted his head and gave him a small kiss on his forehead before speaking in an unusually soft voice. “You did well. Mama is proud of you. You have to put in more effort as you grow older, but I can already see that you will be a genius. I may come to watch your training soon again. If you defeated that man, you are probably able to take on his superior already. We'll deal with that soon. But for today, you should just relax and enjoy some rest. Should I read something to you?”

Cedar quickly nodded and glanced down at the book on the window sill. It seemed to be some historical narration about the development of Artias' culture. He had never cared much for such topics at this age, but of course, he had listened for hours when his mother was the one reading it. He cuddled into her when she lifted the book and began from where she had left off.

Before Camille started, she pressed another kiss onto his head though. “I should tell you that I'm proud of you more often. I love you.”

He didn't want to say it back. Not when he knew that she didn't really love him.

That she felt that way was not because she simply didn't care for her son but because there was something wrong with her that made it impossible to be focused on others. Camille could only be selfish. When she claimed to love someone, she wanted to own them and be everything they needed to be happy.

And yet, she could come so close to real love in some moments, like when she was softly patting Cedar's head and held him in her arms. His mother had been like that on her good days. When she was content, she was so, so nice, only to suddenly switch into a cruel monster when she got angry.

Cedar could barely remember all the horrible things she had ever done because of his hazy state, but even so, he remembered enough. If he had listened to her unconditionally at all times, he would already have done many more unforgivable things. He whispered his response. “I love you too, Mother. But I'm sorry.” He couldn't listen anymore.

It seemed like this had crashed everything. The world around him blurred, and he knew that he was waking up. That was good. That way, he didn't need to hear the response.

Only a few seconds passed before Cedar became conscious again. He quickly noticed where he was. There really was someone hugging him here, but it definitely wasn't his mother.

It was Lucille, who had put her arms around him and snored quietly while sleeping with an open mouth. There was even a little bit of saliva on the side of her lips, and it seemed like she was too peaceful to be even a little embarrassed.

Cedar almost had to laugh at that. Lucille was so different from his mother. How come the two people who had played the biggest role in his life were so unlike the other one? He carefully reached for her mouth and cleaned the side of her lip before wiping his hand on the blanket.

Lucille didn't even stir and just stayed there in silence. She would probably fall out of bed as soon as she woke up. After all, she might remember that leading him to her room in the evening while holding his hand wasn't the best idea. But it was too late now. She would probably blush when she opened her eyes and met his gaze anyway.

Cedar lay there for a while longer before deciding to sit up. He stopped himself at the last moment when he saw Lucille stir. He stared at her face again while trying to find out whether she was still asleep. He ended up being distracted though.

Lucille always looked pretty, but right now, she was even more gorgeous. Surely, her position wasn't very graceful, and she snored quietly, but the soft sunlight illuminated her from behind and made it seem like her head was glowing. Her hair looked so different when it was glittering in the sun, so it almost reminded him of blazing flames, but her hair was too soft to resemble something so painful.

Cedar couldn't hold back and carefully reached for her hair. He repeated what he had done in his dream and rolled a strand around his fingers. Then he scanned her again while waiting for her to move. When she didn't do that, he allowed himself to be even more daring. He kissed the strand in his hand before slowly putting it down again. That was enough to make his stomach tingle with some strange emotion. This time, it felt much more pleasant than in his dream, and the woman next to him also didn't fade all of a sudden.

Lucille just opened her eyes a little and gazed at him. It took a few seconds until she processed what was going on. She opened her eyes completely and seemed to be awake in an instant. “Cedar?”

He smiled at her. “I can assure you that it's me. Good morning.”

“Good...morning.” She stammered a bit while responding, and her familiar blush came back. She lifted her hands and brought them to her face to wipe her eyes, but she actually just hid her cheeks.

Cedar almost chuckled at that, but he might have teased her enough already. He should leave her alone to calm down for a moment. “I think I should leave now. I need to change clothes.”

Lucille nodded. “Yes... Of course.” She didn't even dare to make eye contact.

Cedar slowly sat up. He climbed out of the bed and stretched for a moment before speaking up again. “We will see each other for breakfast, right? As always?”

Lucille nodded again but actually looked at him this time. “Yes.”

He showed her a bright smile. “Good. Until then.” He turned around and walked to the door after straightening his clothes at least a little. He put his hand on the door handle and stopped at the last moment. He turned around once more and made eye contact. “Lucille?”

She immediately perked up and listened to him.

“Thank you.” Cedar didn't say anything else, but she should understand the general idea. Of course, she couldn't know just how much her words had meant to him, but she should hear that he was really grateful. Cedar left the room without waiting for her response.

As soon as he opened the door, he regretted that.

His brother stood directly in front of him and had raised his hand to knock.

Cedar was already in the middle of lunging backward to prepare for a fight and cursed his stupid paranoia, for which he would have to thank his mother again. He calmed down within a second and exhaled while stepping out and closing the door behind him.

Theodore looked a bit concerned for a moment before showing his brother a faint smile. “I didn't mean to surprise you. I'm sorry. The timing was a bit unfitting. I wanted to talk to you and assumed that you would be here.”

Cedar grinned at him. “Am I that predictable?” It was a problem if others thought about searching for him in Lucille's room first. He didn't even need to glance to the side to confirm whether the guards were staring at him. The rumors that would surface tomorrow would be an interesting matter.

Theodore scanned him for a few seconds before he became much more serious. “It's not about being predictable. It's more about Lady Valerian being able to comfort you, for which I'm grateful. But I still wanted to talk about yesterday. That...box wasn't just a little gift for you.” So, he wanted to talk about his brother's childhood trauma? That was a bad idea.

Cedar would never tell anyone unless he trusted them more than himself. Even then, he doubted that he would be able to open up about the most horrible days of his life. But he didn't have to when he could quickly calm down his brother. Cedar's smile widened. “It was connected to less pleasant memories. But it's not that important. You don't need to be so tense. Nothing happened. I told you that I could control my breakdowns, right? I won't hurt anyone. So-”

Theodore cut him off there. “You seem to be awfully intent on repeating that. Then I should be honest this time too. I'm not worried about you hurting others. I know that you won't do that. I'm worried because I saw that that object meant something horrible to you.” That would bring the conversation in a more uncomfortable direction.

Cedar beamed at his brother. “Possibly. But it's nothing you could change. So, there is no need for you to concern yourself with that. It wasn't pleasant, and I was a child when it happened, so I was a bit sensitive. You can forget about that.” He didn't want someone to use that damned skewer against him in the future, or he might lose his temper again. “I will forget it too. I can assure you that I was just a bit surprised and that this won't affect me in the future at all.” Because he would be prepared now. He would expect his mother to send him everything that made him feel horrible in the future.

But this answer didn't seem to satisfy Theodore. His expression had darkened. “It would be better if we discussed that in my office.” Oh, no. Definitely not. This meant that he wanted a longer and more serious conversation.

Cedars still grinned at him. He definitely wouldn't show his brother what his greatest weaknesses were. Normally, he was used to hiding all of them because he knew that Camille would use them against him otherwise, but yesterday, he had messed up. He needed to correct that now. “There is no need to do that though. As I said, there isn't an issue at all. You can ignore that completely. Throw that thing away. Or keep it, I don't mind.” He did mind. “But I don't see the need to talk about it. Not when nothing happened.”

Theodore scanned the guards, whom he seemed to have sent away to the end of the hallway before Cedar had come out of the room, before turning back to his brother. “You don't think I'm stupid, do you? I saw how you reacted when that woman threw all of your triggers at you when she tried to make you hurt Blanche last year during your cousin's baby party.” Yes. That had been a horrible day. “Back then, you grimaced a bit, but you didn't lose your temper. This here was much worse than that, even if you still won't lose your self-restraint. I understand that you don't want to tell me, but at least admit that it's bad. I can't help you otherwise. I know that I still can't do much, but I want to make sure that she gets what she deserves.” That almost sounded like he knew that Camille had been the one doing it.

But that didn't mean anything. It was logical that their mother was the core of the problem.

Cedar crossed his arms and cut him off immediately. “I don't like remembering that day either. But as you could see then, I don't care about my triggers anymore.” That wasn't true. They still hurt him, and he just hid it. “So, there is absolutely no need for you to concern yourself with this.” After he had almost murdered one of the assassins in Theodore's palace, this probably concerned the emperor, but Cedar refused to see it that way. “Look. It wasn't as bad as it seemed. I won't cause any trouble because of this. I won't get angry, and I won't lose my temper. You don't have to worry about me attacking you with a sword nor will Mother be able to use this to manipulate me later. You have no-” He didn't finish his listing of reasons.

Theodore's face already scrunched up. “By the gods, Cedar.” His voice had gotten a bit louder, and he had to force himself to speak at a normal volume again. “This isn't about me expecting you to cause trouble. I worry about you.”

Sure. That didn't make sense.

Cedar leaned his back against the door frame and put on the most arrogant smile he could muster, the one that always infuriated his brother. “I don't get it. Do you think that I'm less likely to attack you if you do things like this? I can swear on my life that I won't try that either way. I'm serious when I say that you and your wife can stop it already. I don't need you to act like you care. It's fine if you draw the line at this point. That you allowed me to live here is good enough. You don't have to try to seem even more perfect by being the generous, forgiving older brother.”

The emperor's frown deepened at that. “No, you really don't get it. Blanche and I aren't acting. We worry. You should know that I'm not generous at all. Even now, I'm planning to crush the people that tried to hurt Blanche in the most painful way imaginable. But I won't hurt the people that didn't do anything. I may have acted harshly when we met again. But that was because I had a lot of different things in my mind and you did your best to infuriate me. That doesn't mean that we have to continue like that though. We already get along better, and I want to improve our relationship. That won't work if you automatically assume that no one cares about you. I know that this is one of the things that bother you most, but please try to understand that I'm not lying. Blanche isn't doing that either. Didn't she tell you to start changing your life in the first place?” She had done that.

But Cedar didn't need to gain other's sympathy like this. It was odd enough that his brother told him that he cared. Still, he didn't have a response that didn't include telling his brother that he should drop the act.

Theodore just used that as a chance to continue. He glanced to the side and sighed before speaking again. “I knew that your childhood wasn't...easy. But I couldn't have imagined that it was that messed up. I...” He ran his fingers through his hair. “I'm sorry. I didn't know what that woman did to you. If I had known...I would have done something. Anything to get you away from her.”

Cedar tilted his head to the side while desperately trying to keep his smile as cheerful as possible. What was this supposed to be now? “So, you feel guilty?” He expected a comment about how this was Camille's fault and not his brother's, but that didn't come.

Instead, Theodore replied immediately. “Yes. I couldn't make decisions back then, but I could have talked to Father to ask him to give you to Althea too. If she had begged a bit, which she certainly would have if either one of us had found out about how the dowager empress really treated you, Father would have allowed her to raise you. And I feel guilty for not recognizing what you were going through. Instead of helping, I blamed you for years until I realized that this is all because of Camille.”

Cedar had to hold back from narrowing his eyes at the other man. “But it isn't your fault. Why would you blame yourself?” Did the emperor just want to make himself feel better by saying that?

Theodore didn't look like he was acting though. “You feel guilty for the death of my mother. Even if Althea would never have blamed you and you were fourteen at that time.”

Cedar let out a snort. Great. So, they both felt guilty. “And now? Our past was ugly. I know about some things that happened in your childhood too. Like assassination attempts, petty attacks or people who wanted to kidnap you. Some may or may not have been connected to Mother. So, I would say that our family was dysfunctional. But what are we going to do about it? I managed to get over my triggers. None of that bothers me anymore, so you don't have to sacrifice your time to help me figure it out. That skewer was just...involved in an unfortunate accident. I don't care anymore.”

Theodore narrowed his eyes and lowered his voice slightly. “Stop invalidating your own feelings.”

“What?”

The emperor crossed his arms as well and seemed grim while he spoke. “You never admit it when something hurt you. You always insist on being strong without noticing that you may hurt yourself even more with that. It was the same when we talked about Lady Peril. There is nothing wrong with you admitting that you are vulnerable. That you didn't tell me about any of this is part of why I can't act appropriately. I hate Camille more than anyone else, you should know that. And whenever I think about her, I think there is no way for me to dislike her even more. But then I gather some new piece of information, and the picture it paints gets uglier each time.”

Cedar tensed a bit. That almost sounded like Theodore had something specific in mind. But there was no way. “Did something make you dislike her more?”

The emperor nodded, with rage still painted onto his features. “Right now, I hate her with more passion than ever before. I can promise you that she will get revenge for what she did when this is over. I told you that it was just another year, right? In a year, I will kill her. But before that, she will suffer for everything she did to others, our family and especially you. She will reap what she has sown. She will get exactly what she did to you too. Including what happened with that skewer.”

Cedar leaned his head back against the door frame. “You act like you know what happened.” But there was definitely no way. The prince tightened his grip on his arms as he scanned his brother's expression.

Unfortunately, Theodore was much too serious while he responded. “I do. I found out about that yesterday.”

Cedar let out a little laugh and straightened his posture as he spoke with more emphasis. “You don't know. You can't know. Because I didn't tell you, and you surely didn't have a nice cup of tea with Mother while she told you.”

Or had his mother bragged about how obediently Cedar would take any punishment as long as she held him in her arms afterward? No way. She hated Theodore too much for that. There was no way that she would ever seriously consider telling him about something so important. She would have been way too scared about Theodore using that to get Cedar to come to his side.

But the emperor seemed so confident while spoke. “I feel like discussing this here won't get us much farther. So, I would suggest you come to my office now. Please. I want to get this out of the way. Otherwise, I am not sure whether I won't run to the dowager empress and slit open her neck any moment.”

Cedar didn't say anything and just nodded. He needed to find out why his brother acted like he knew and whether he really knew. It was much too dangerous that random people suddenly spoke about things they could have never heard.

Maybe Cedar would need to find out whether some old servants had shared something. Maybe that was it. In that case, he would have to offer a hefty sum to get them to stay quiet. After all, he couldn't have people revealing his secrets.