The Broken Prince's Love

Cedar was usually convinced that his brother was intelligent. And then things like this happened.

Theodore suddenly addressed the topic of marriage in front of Lucille's father and thus made it impossible to deal with this in secret. The worst part had to be his reasoning though. He just wanted to see Camille's despair upon hearing that her son was now engaged to the woman she hated so much. And maybe he also had a second secret goal. It was nice that he thought about how his brother's life should be, but it would have been better to leave this to the concerned couple.

Cedar was fuming by now. He fought the urge to interrupt Theodore every few seconds and stayed quiet. Holding Lucille's hand was the only thing that calmed him down a bit. He had already worried about this sudden conversation scaring her off, but thankfully, she didn't mind. In his opinion, she was a bit too fine with this.

Lucille seemed nervous but not like she rejected that idea. She listened to the whole conversation with expectation and stroked over her lover's hand once in a while, maybe without noticing it. It was good that she wasn't fearful about being forced into an unwanted marriage, but she wasn't even upset about this matter not being the others' business.

Viscount Valerian was more upset. He was glaring at the emperor and the empress while listening to the couple's reasoning. But even he seemed to swallow the news too quickly. He just voiced worries about his daughter's happiness and this moving too fast. He didn't point out that the prince wouldn't be the best choice for a husband. In fact, it seemed like other people bothered him more than his daughter's possible future fiancé. He didn't use any flowery words while explaining that to Blanche. “Rumors can be brutal. When you were His Majesty's lover, you probably noticed what they said behind your back. I have no desire to let Lucille become a target of such words.”

In the past, some people had truly ridiculed Blanche. Unsurprisingly, Theodore hadn't liked that, and the ones voicing the most hurtful words had often got into trouble a bit later. Coincidentally, of course.

Naturally, Lucille shouldn't experience the same situation the emperor's concubine had.

But Blanche didn't worry much about that. She spoke as if what she said was just a fact. “But wouldn't an engagement steer against those harsh words?” She paused for a moment to give Raymond time to think before she explained her reasoning. “If Cedar stays with her without getting engaged to her, people will assume that he won't marry her. They will believe that Lucille is only a mistress. That means that Cedar isn't taken in their eyes. As you know, many people want to bring their daughters closer to the royal family, and Cedar is the perfect goal for that. He is young, has no fiancée and is charismatic. Soon, those who want to increase their standing will flock around him. That wouldn't be good for Lucille or Cedar. But if they get engaged already, we could prevent that mess.”

There was no denying that. In a few months, when the situation had calmed down, Cedar would need to get a fiancée. Many families would be interested as long as he openly showed that he was on Theodore's side. By then, his mother wouldn't serve as a valid excuse to delay that matter anymore either. So, Cedar would be forced to decide who he wanted to spend his life with. To him, there was only one option here.

He glanced at Lucille. Could he really force her to live with him? Surely, that thought came a bit late when they were already in this relationship after he had told her that he could marry her if she agreed. And he wanted to be her husband. But being faced with such a direct offer, he doubted that this would make Lucille very happy. His inability to tell her that he loved her was only one of the things proving that he didn't deserve her. Cedar could list a hundred, and yet, his personal feelings didn't change. He still wanted to be with his lover and be her one and only. He would like to have the chance to indulge Lucille in whatever she liked and to be the one who would make her smile.

But did he have the right after everything he had done?

He didn't want to think about that, but the memories of all the blood that had coated his skin after some harsh training washed over him. The memories of his breakdowns were much worse. Much like thinking about breaking his mother's arm. He could easily hurt someone in a single motion.

Cedar didn't want to hurt Lucille. He didn't ever want to do anything that would make her unhappy in the slightest. But what if he did it because he wasn't able to control himself? Surely, he hadn't had any problems with his breakdowns in a few years, but he could never know whether it wouldn't be too much at some point. Cedar was completely lost in thought, so he barely snapped out of it when he heard his brother.

Apparently, Raymond had asked something, and now Theodore responded. “I have known my brother for a long time. If he is in love, he will be serious about it. I can promise you that he will do everything in his power to make your daughter happy. Both of them are very important to one another, and keeping them apart is unnecessary. They will get engaged as they become adults anyway. I heard that they discussed that a while ago already, so you should see that they might not be willing to give up on this thought.” He spoke as if it was almost decided that Lucille and Cedar would marry when that wasn't true at all.

Surely, it would be nice, but no one could ask Lucille to suddenly marry into the royal family by getting engaged to the prince who had led a revolt just last year. That wouldn't make things easier for her. Especially not when she was with someone who was as closed-off as Cedar. She would end up with a husband that couldn't show his feelings and hated revealing even the slightest bit of a weakness. A husband that was unable to stop smiling and had a reflex that would cause him to throw anyone to the floor who approached him from behind. A husband that had triggers that could upset him within seconds and that, if he was unlucky, might even cause him to lash out at someone. A husband that had been completely messed up thanks to his cruel mother, who happened to want to kill Lucille.

Could Cedar demand that his lover just agree to that?

No.

It would be selfish to ask that of her. Cedar knew that he shouldn't do that. When it came to Lucille, he should give and not take anything. But he caused Lucille so many problems with his presence. This whole relationship was better for him than it was for her, wasn't it? Cedar would like to stop thinking about that, but his thoughts went in a circle. If this conversation went on for much longer, he would lose his mind. Thankfully, it seemed like the other participants wouldn't insist on continuing this now.

Theodore broke the silence that had begun after his last reply. “We don't want you to decide overnight. We just thought that it might be nice for you to consider this option. After all, I believe that it would make both of you happy. So, discuss this with each other when you have time.” He left a small pause before adding the rest. “That was all we wished to say.”

It only took a few seconds before Viscount Valerian replied. “We definitely won't decide this so quickly. And I will not let anyone pressure Lucille. I want to talk about this with my daughter in private.”

Blanche nodded. “Of course. That is a good idea. And in the meantime, it might be helpful if Theo and Cedar have a conversation as well.” She glanced at the prince. “Please just listen for once. We won't mention this topic anymore after a single conversation.” That sounded like she expected Cedar to run away.

It was true that Cedar didn't like discussing things like this, mostly because he risked spilling his true thoughts and admitting that he believed that he wasn't enough to make Lucille happy. But if he left now, he would reveal that he was uncertain about this matter too. “I don't mind having a conversation with my brother. Of course, I will not suddenly demand anything outrageous though.” He smiled at Viscount Valerian. “Please do not worry too much. I will take care of this.” He wasn't sure whether saying that while he held Lucille's hand was convincing, but he refused to let go. Most likely, he would need to do it soon though.

Raymond's expression was rather grim while he stood up. “I see. I will talk with Lucille before saying anything else. Please allow me and my daughter to leave, Your Majesty.”

Theodore replied immediately. “Yes. You may leave. I hope that you have a nice afternoon and that you will think about this calmly. Please rest assured that we will not force you to agree to this or pressure Lucille. This decision should be left to the couple.”

Raymond nodded, but he was already lost in thoughts. “I wish you a wonderful afternoon, Your Majesty.” He walked to the door and stepped out when Leon opened it for him. Then he stopped and turned around to look at his daughter. “Lucille, would you please come with me so that we can have a short conversation?”

Lucille hesitated for a second before she stood up. She still held Cedar's hand and only seemed to notice that now. She stopped and looked down at her lover.

Cedar showed her a bright smile and was prepared to let go despite his unwillingness. But when he loosened his hold to allow her to take her hand away, she still left their fingers intertwined.

For a moment, Lucille just stood in front of him. She scanned her lover before glancing to the side, her expression almost seeming a bit too serious. Lucille only revealed what she was thinking when she leaned forward and pressed a small kiss onto her lover's forehead. Then she whispered something to him. “I love you.” She only let go after she had done that and hurried to get to her father.

Cedar was left behind in some sort of paralysis. He was used to such small gestures by now, but Lucille never did that when they were in front of others. He wasn't sure what to do when he could only gaze at his lover, who bashfully avoided his gaze.

Blanche didn't even joke about that today. She merely stood up and walked to the door as well. “Leon and I will go out too. Just so that you can have your privacy. Good luck.” She left the room without specifying what she meant.

Leonard followed her a moment later. The door was closed behind them.

Now Cedar was alone with his brother, and he could guess that the conversation would be exhausting. He leaned against the backrest and made himself comfortable while smiling at the other man. “So. Now you can tell me what this is about. You don't just want to make Mother lose her mind, right? There is something else that makes you insert yourself into a matter that doesn't concern you.” He hadn't meant to sound so annoyed, but he hadn't been able to hold back.

Theodore didn't seem to feel offended though. He just met his brother's gaze and replied calmly. “That woman's feelings aren't the main part. It is truly about protecting Lucille and ensuring that she can wield your power. But there is indeed a personal reason as well. You are much too hesitant. Lucille was the one who needed to ask you to be in a relationship with her. You didn't tell her about your feelings first. Not because you weren't sure about what you wanted, but because you are reluctant to take things a step further. I know that you find it difficult to get closer to other people, but I worry about you not daring to tell her that you want to be with her. Lucille is obviously in love with you, and she doesn't seem like she would dislike being engaged to you. And you wouldn't mind it either. Normally, you are rather quick to grasp and hold onto what you like, so I can only imagine one reason why you wouldn't want to make it official at last. You are scared, aren't you?”

If there was one annoying thing about Theodore, it was the fact that he had spent a few years with Cedar back when the prince hadn't been able to act well yet. He knew what his brother was thinking to some extent. And during the last few months, he had suddenly gained so much additional knowledge that it was odd. Had someone told him something about Cedar? The prince wasn't sure, and in the end, that didn't matter either. What mattered was the fact that Theodore knew an uncomfortable amount of things about his brother.

Cedar acted like he wasn't worried about what he would hear and just smiled. “What? I'm scared?” He already wanted to laugh, but he didn't get to.

Theodore already replied. “You are. You always claim you are selfish. In some regards, you may be rather attached to what you care about too, but you never put your wishes above the ones of the people you love. That may be your greatest weakness. You would relinquish everything you care about if you believe that this will make the one you love happier. But there is a significant flaw in that logic. Being with you won't make Lucille unhappy. You don't need to expect the worst. You shouldn't ponder the worst possible future and all the bad things that could happen before making your decision. You should choose what you want and leave Lucille's choice to her. She will reply with a yes or a no, and you don't have to worry for her.”

Cedar refused to admit that he was uncertain when it came to Lucille's future. He doubted that letting her go now was possible for him, but chaining her to him at this young age would be too binding. He put on a mocking smirk and crossed his arms while looking at his brother. “You are saying interesting things. Are you trying to give me a motivational speech now? It must feel weird to you too.” He fought the urge to change the topic and forced himself to stay quiet.

Theodore saw that as his cue to continue. “It's not weird for me to try to help you. I won't even do much. I will just try to make you see your thoughts from another angle. You worry about Lucille changing her mind. But you don't need to think about that. You are enough, so don't bother worrying about whether that is the case.” Coming from him, that was even more ridiculous than the statement itself.

Cedar had never been enough for anyone. His father had ignored him completely, and his brother had disliked him from a young age on. His mother had never left out a chance to remind him that he needed to prove that he was worthy to her, or she would use his triggers against him. His teachers had just told him that his brother was better each time he was good at something.

And to be honest, Cedar had never truly been content with himself either. He had compared himself to Theodore. Or even Luciano, who had had a rather happy childhood despite their mothers being sisters. He had seen those around him and quickly realized that he wouldn't be able to get along with them. Either because he found them annoying, or because he simply wouldn't let anyone get close. And, of course, his mental health had never made him proud either.

After he had learned to control his breakdowns, he had suppressed his feelings. Every bit of anger that he felt had reminded him that his self-control wasn't flawless yet, so he had learned to hold back more, even more than he had done before to impress his mother. And now he was here and had taught himself to hide every bit of weakness and emotion that he might feel. Surely, he had managed to show some bits again, but a huge part was still hidden deep inside him. No matter how much he wanted to show that to Lucille, he would never be able to do it fully. Not just because of his desire to veil anything remotely similar to a weakness. Also because he wouldn't stand it if she found out how he had truly been as a child, when he hadn't held back his anger.

Cedar let out a huff of air and grinned at his brother. Even now, he didn't want to say anything, but he couldn't just stay silent. “Have you forgotten who I am? Maybe Lucille hasn't grasped it yet, but if she does, she won't...” She wouldn't look at him in the same way. That was why he couldn't simply marry her yet. If she ever found out, she would be heartbroken, and for him, it might be even worse. At least eight years had passed since his last violent breakdown, and he still remembered the fearful gazes of the people who had faced his anger.

He didn't want Lucille to ever look at him like that.

Theodore scanned his brother like he was able to read Cedar's mind. He shouldn't be able to see past the facade that the prince had built up over the years either, but he managed to rub salt into the wound. “You've always been convinced that you are a horrible person. Do you know why? Because the dowager empress told you that over and over again. By now, you should have realized that she only spouts lies. She wanted to keep you away from others so that you wouldn't care about anyone else or have someone else like you. That is why she told you that you were unlovable and so many awful things. Because she wanted to make you believe that you could only receive affection from her. Obviously, that was nothing more but a part of her manipulation.”

In theory, that sounded logical. Cedar would disagree though. His mother had lied to him countless times, and he was aware of that. But sometimes, she had just told him the harsh truth too, like about his father not wanting to see him. Listening to that had just helped Cedar, so he opened his mouth to say that.

Theodore continued without giving his brother a chance to stop him. “I know that it will be hard to forget that when she repeated that so often while you were young. But she was lying. You aren't a bad person. It's not selfish of you to want to protect the person you love. It's not cruel to hate the ones who hurt you for so long. When you defend yourself from some psychopathic assassins that were supposed to hurt as a child and develop some sort of panic reflex, that doesn't make you aggressive.”

Cedar would question all of that. He would have liked to remind his brother of some of his worst moments, but then he would do the same thing again. He would continue to push people away by telling them how horrible he was. He unwillingly did that each time he was told that he wasn't so bad, and when people pitied him, he started provoking them to make them stop. But he couldn't just repeat that now. “I don't agree with most of the things you said, but well. It seems like we remember things differently.” He hadn't meant to say that, and yet, it had escaped his throat.

Theodore didn't let that stop him though. “I remember exactly what happened when we were children. I remember being upset with you because you almost knocked me out after I rushed into the room you were in without a warning. Now I know that you expected me to be one of those disgusting instructors. You were used to fighting back against sudden attacks, and I came too close to you too quickly. That wasn't your fault. The people that made you have that reflex are to blame. You aren't vile because of that. You don't have to believe that your ‘true identity’ will be revealed or something like that. Because there is nothing hidden. You are as nice as you are in front of your lover. So, Lucille won't change her mind upon learning more about you. That's what you really worry about, right? You are scared of her suddenly turning away because she believes someone's lies about you.”

Cedar wouldn't call those stories about his worst moments lies. But he didn't point that out. He just chose to be direct. This time, he couldn't hold back the bitter chuckle. “Theodore, what kind of husband am I supposed to be? I'm not like you. I wasn't raised to be perfect, and I never even experienced something like parental affection. You know how awful Mother is. Whom do you think she raised? I'm not normal. To me, love and affection are rather twisted concepts. As you should know, thanks to my countless triggers and breakdowns.”

Theodore was silent for a moment while he cast his gaze downward. When he spoke, he was much more grim than before, and even his expression was full of bitterness. “If you compare us, this won't really make you seem bad at all. I messed up much more than you did. I was crueler than you ever were because I needed to fight for Blanche. And for other reasons. I killed more people than you. I caused my angel more pain than you ever caused Lucille. I needed a second chance to finally do what's right, while you were always loyal without asking questions. You should know that I'm not perfect in the slightest. No one is and especially not me. I have so many flaws, and remembering some hurts because they resulted in me forgetting what was important. But does that keep me from making Blanche happy? No.” He lifted his gaze and showed his brother a little smile. “If I get my happy end, you get yours too. You deserve it.”

Cedar wasn't sure what to respond with. He had to swallow and stalled for some time before he replied. He was much quieter now. “I'd rather not force Lucille into a marriage she can't escape from when she notices that I'm not as nice as she believes me to be.”

Theodore responded without hesitation. “You are nicer than you think you are. You often show compassion without wanting to. There were so many people around you who did things you could have punished them for. But you never did that. You just ignored it or scared them a little without hurting them. You ignore it when some arrogant people insult you to your face, and you do things like sending warnings to the people the dowager empress targets. You aren't a bad person, Cedar. You may not see it, but I do. No matter how many lies Camille said to your face, that doesn't make her insults true. You are fine just the way you are.”

That made it even stranger. By now, it was getting a bit uncomfortable.

Cedar didn't know how to deal with it if Theodore told him that. His brother should hate him the most, so this was an awkward situation. Cedar avoided a direct reply. “I am pretty surprised that you are this compassionate. Do you want to cheer me up?”

“Maybe. I think it's more of an encouragement. What I want to say is that I will not force you but that I will ask you to think about this. If you want to marry Lucille, which you certainly do since you like her a lot, don't hold back. Wait for her response, and don't try to decide for her. She knows what makes her happy. So, trust her judgment.” Theodore smiled at his brother. Those words shouldn't mean much, but it seemed like he was sure. Then maybe trusting the emperor in that regard would be good.

Cedar knew that he only thought about it this way because he wanted to marry Lucille. Deep inside, he knew that, but he couldn't admit it to himself just yet, or he would immediately propose to his lover. He didn't want to make her feel pressured, so this would have to wait. “I will remember that. I presume that this is all then. Was there something else you needed to tell me?”

Theodore was silent for a moment. That made it seem like he would complain, but he let his brother change the topic. “You will not have to take care of that since most is already done, but it's important anyway. I am finalizing the last documents that prove that Althea lawfully adopted me. I already announced it, but in a few days, it will be official. Remember. If you want to do the same and make Althea your mother, you just have to say the word.”

Cedar still didn't feel comfortable with that. Althea had been such a good mother to Theodore, and she had loved her son. She wouldn't be happy about adopting Theodore's lifetime rival. Cedar still blamed himself for her death too, so he didn't have to do something like this against her will now. But none of those arguments would be heard here, so he let it be. He just read between the lines. If Theodore did this now, it meant that one could expect that Camille wouldn't have many chances to discuss anymore.

Cedar could imagine what this meant. “Are you going to take away Mother's title now?”

Theodore replied with a little smile on his face. “Yes. We will finally begin. If we destroy the last bit of her sanity, she will hurl everything she has at us. We will not let her torment anyone else nor will we endure her quietly. We will get revenge for everything she ever did. The dowager empress won't have long to live anymore.”

Cedar didn't even feel his stomach churn when he heard that. He had known that it would come. And he was even looking forward to the day Camille couldn't harm anyone anymore. The fact that he didn't feel the need to intervene when his mother might get killed only was another proof of his poor mental health, but for once, he didn't care.

Camille had hurt too many. They couldn't leave her free rein anymore. Especially not when Lucille was in danger.