The Broken Prince's Love

Cedar could already tell that this would take a while. He had brought Lucille into her room five minutes ago. Ever since then, she had danced around the issue. She refused to say it outright and became more red with each passing moment. He had to reassure her that he would listen to her multiple times.

By now, he was already getting worried to some extent. After all, this was about their relationship. He could just hope that she wouldn't ask him to break up or something like that. He wouldn't take that well.

But, luckily, that didn't seem to be it.

Lucille still held onto his hand after all. She just avoided eye contact and shrank in herself with each passing second. “I... It's really stupid.” She had said that four times already.

Cedar carefully stroked over her head and pushed a strand of her hair behind her ear. “We all do strange things or think about something we regret. But if it worries you, it isn't stupid. Tell me. I want to help you if someone caused you trouble. Especially if it was someone like my mother.” Cedar already spoke with much more determination than before. He had given his best to go slowly to let her open up, and even then, she had still not been confident enough. So, he would need to be a little more pushy.

Lucille swallowed and shook her head. “No, she didn't do anything.” She was quiet for a long time, even if she had already revealed who could be responsible. There was only one other person aside from Camille who would cause such trouble here. “It was...Lady Peril.” She barely seemed to dare to say that.

Cedar felt anger rising inside him. Jenna truly seemed to have a death wish. Before, she had only antagonized him, but now she even attacked the person he cared about. If she continued like that, she would only dig her own grave. “As expected. She just can't stop bothering you. What did she tell you? Was it something unfavorable about my past?” As unpleasant as it was, Jenna probably knew a lot about his childhood because of his mother. She might talk about his breakdowns, his triggers or how he had hurt people after getting angry. That would be enough to make any normal person dislike him. And to be honest, Cedar was a bit scared of Lucille waking up from the nice dream and finding out who he really was.

Even now, it didn't seem like Lucille feared him though. She still sat in front of him and held both of his hands while talking about her worries. When he asked her, she lifted her head and finally looked at him. “No. I mean, it was about you and the past, but not about you doing anything bad. In fact, I have no justification to even think about that for long. You don't have to explain it to me nor do I have the right to ask or-”

Cedar cut her off by putting his hand against her cheek. “Just tell me.” She had every right to ask about him, especially since it was important for their relationship.

Lucille averted her eyes again. She shrank in herself and seemed like she was so uncomfortable that she would rather vanish into thin air. But then, she finally managed to bring herself to voice what was so horrible to her. Lucille took a deep breath and forced herself to speak. “Did...you perhaps at some point in time have...romantic feelings for Her Majesty?”

To be honest, Cedar didn't know how to feel about that question. At first, he was dumbfounded by that strange topic, but then relief came. He had worried about something unpleasant happening to Lucille, and in the end, it had just been such a small thing. He could answer that easily. “I didn't. I told you that I have absolutely no experience when it comes to romantic matters, right? I never felt anything like when I am with you. Did I phrase something strangely that made it sound different?”

Lucille froze in place. It only took a second before even more blood rushed to her face. She averted her eyes and then slowly shook her head. She looked down at their interlinked hand and seemed unsure what to feel. But a little smile came onto her lips without her wanting to show it. “Really?” Why was she so uncertain in that regard?

“I know I'm a good liar, but I wouldn't lie to you. I never wanted to be in a relationship with anyone. Especially not with my brother's wife.” He would have noticed that immediately. After all, something like that would have strengthened his envy for Theodore by a hundredfold. Losing the woman he loved to his brother was the one thing that he hadn't experienced yet, and he was rather relieved about that. Lucille didn't favor his brother like everyone else did, and that was wonderful. “I am pretty sure that Blanche and I never got along well, even in public. Even saying her name feels weird. I would stick to Her Majesty, but then she will scold us again.”

Lucille looked at him with round eyes. She seemed a bit relieved now, but she still wasn't sure. She scanned his face for signs of him lying, which he could have easily hidden even if he was.

Cedar was rather sure that there was more to this than her just repeating what Lady Peril had said. He stayed silent to think about it for a minute, and quickly, memories of the past two years filled his head. “Ah. I know what could have looked like I was interested in her. When my mother and I came out of confinement, I did my best to annoy Theodore in each and every way. From acting overly kind and welcoming to pointing out things that I knew would upset him, I tried everything. And the easiest way to make him angry was by far to bother his lover a bit. The main goal was to make him jealous so that he would be upset, and at the same time, I could antagonize the most important person on his side. It worked out quite well. I only had to voice some compliments and act like I wanted to speak to her more often. That was enough to make Theodore and Blanche glare at me at every chance they got.”

Lucille still kept her eyes on his face without ever looking away. Apparently, she had forgotten her embarrassment and needed to sate her curiosity now. “So, the hand kiss when you met her...”

Cedar had no issue explaining that too, even if he wasn't sure if telling her how confrontational he had been was a good idea. “That was to upset Theodore and her. And to pull attention to her hand. After all, Blanche was wearing the same ring my brother did. I assumed that they were engaged or planned on getting engaged soon, and pointing that out would have caused some issues for my brother. Since the former empress and her family, the Duremonts, who happen to be Theodore's most important supporters, wouldn't have liked that.”

Lucille looked like a huge burden lifted off her shoulders at that point. She finally straightened her posture again, but even then, she couldn't stop asking more. “And you called her by her first name because of that too, right?”

Obviously. No person who had known Cedar for real would have expected him to fall for someone at first glance. That was why he had always been confused about his brother being so sensitive about this matter. They both should have known that romance wasn't for him. At least he had thought that. Now it looked different, and he wouldn't let the person he cared about misunderstand.

Cedar tried to convey that as well as he could. “Indeed. Blanche always got rather angry just because of one little word. If I left out the title, she would fume within a single second. So, I couldn't miss out on that when I planned to annoy her and my brother. She even complained about that in public, right?”

Lucille was lost in thoughts for a moment and then quickly remembered what he was referring to. She nodded. “I remember.” She seemed to be more convinced with every second.

It should be fine to leave it at that, but for some reason, Cedar would rather give her the full story. With the exception of his most ugly moments, of course. “As you can hear, all of that was me being focused on troubling Theodore, as always. Mother had the same in mind. I have to admit that Mother might have liked it if Blanche had broken up with Theodore because of this. But that would never have happened. Everyone knew that those two loved each other too much. Mother would just have been happy with that scenario because she knew that Theodore would suffer if his lover disappeared. But she quickly gave up on trying to make Blanche betray Theodore and wished to harm her in a different way instead.” Unpleasant memories came to Cedar's mind. He did his best to suppress them, but he couldn't quite do it. His smile widened as he resumed. “And to be honest, Mother would only have accepted Blanche anywhere near us to hurt Theodore. Because she is a bit...hateful when it comes to women that are close to our family. She probably would have liked Blanche as a tool to cause damage to the person she hates most, and if Theodore had lost, she would immediately have gotten rid of his lover too.”

Lucille's expression darkened a bit. She looked down for a moment before meeting his gaze again. She only seemed to remember that his hand was on her cheek now and slowly leaned against him while speaking in a whisper. “So, you only were nice because you knew that Blanche would dislike it?”

Cedar thought back to his actions back then. He would have to revise that statement. “I wouldn't call myself nice. In public, I always kept up my polite facade. But I can assure you that the whole picture looked rather different at that time. Behind closed doors, I wasn't really nice to Blanche. I did whatever I could to make her fume and bothered her whenever I saw her. I addressed her weak spots and pointed out everything I knew would make her insecure. I even made her cry once or twice because I overdid it. And twice, I scared her pretty badly as well. I didn't feel too good about that afterward, but in the end, I still upset her a lot on purpose despite that. That was the reason why I told her to join our side, I mean...Mother's side, back then too. I knew that Blanche would refuse because she cared for Theodore, and yet, doubting her loyalty was an easy way to make her boil within a few seconds.”

He still remembered exactly how uncertain he had been after Blanche had begun sobbing after just a few mean comments about her relationship with Theodore. He had never expected her to be so vulnerable in that regard when it had been obvious that she and Theodore were more than loyal toward each other. And when she had cried, he had just attempted to distract her by acting like an even bigger idiot. After all, her being angry had been better than her being sad. In the end, that had proven to be pretty unfavorable though.

Once, Blanche had lost her composure so much that she had just begun listing the triggers Theodore had warned her about. To be honest, Cedar had been more annoyed about her and his brother's stupidity than about those comments. Of course, his triggers had still upset him, but he hadn't actually lost his composure. He had just scared Blanche a bit to remind her to shut up about matters she knew would hurt people that were known to be unstable. He hadn't even done much but glare at her and squeeze her face for a moment. And after that, she had looked like she expected him to kill her. Theodore's expression had said the same thing, even after his brother had warned him not to rely on his enemies being unwilling to hurt them.

But Cedar surely wouldn't tell Lucille much about that scene. After all, he had been awful back then, and he didn't plan on showing her this side of him. “You should really forget whatever I said or did back then. In that year, I was constantly in a bad mood, and annoying my brother distracted me for a minute.” But that had never stopped him from making nothing but snarky comments in his mind while the world around him seemed to be made out of idiots. And every time his mother hadn't listened to him because she knew so much better or because she had caused trouble in public and refused to apologize, it had gotten worse. In the end, he had been so annoyed that he had even given up on intervening while his mother had angered the wrong people.

That year had truly been awful.

Lucille finally seemed to understand that fully. A smile formed on her lips, and she averted her eyes. “That's good...” She only noticed what she had said after that. She snapped out of it and lifted her head so that his hand hovered in the air. “I mean...” She didn't seem to know what to say, and her face flushed red while she tripped over her own words. “I shouldn't be happy about that. As long as you like me now, I'm happy. And I don't...have the right to complain nor would I have complained if you had liked her. That is your life. We didn't know each other well then, so there wouldn't have been an issue. But knowing that she is...she isn't-” She seemed like she might continue like this for five minutes.

So, Cedar cut his off in a soft tone. He fully understood that she was happy about her lover not being close to someone he might have liked before. He squeezed her hand while he began. “You can be happy about me not lying. You're my first. You are my first lover, you had my first kiss, and this is the first time that I was ever interested in someone like this. I'm your first too, right?”

Lucille slowly got more red and helplessly nodded. She only looked at him when he brought his hand to her chin. Then she acted like she was paralyzed and stared at him without moving.

Cedar couldn't help but grin at that. If she was acting this cutely, he had the right to tease her a bit. He slowly moved a bit closer and leaned forward. He stroked his thumb over her bottom lip and maintained eye contact the whole time.

He wasn't sure how others couldn't see the most obvious thing.

Lucille was exceptionally beautiful. Not just her appearance, which was the most enchanting one he had ever seen too. It was also the whole atmosphere around her. Her personality and how sweet she was when it came to their relationship. She was as shy and inexperienced when it came to romance as he was. And yet, she was direct enough to voice boundaries already. She had told him not to have a mistress, and she admitted to being jealous. Even if it hadn't been necessary for her to feel threatened at all, she wanted him to herself. And that was extremely satisfying.

After all, Cedar knew well that he wouldn't share either. Now that he had finally been blessed enough to experience something so wonderful, letting go would be close to impossible for him. He surely wouldn't turn to others either. Once he cared, he would be absolutely loyal. He had served his mother for two decades despite her treating him horribly, and he had only left because he had found someone he wanted to protect more. Since Lucille would never be as cold and cruel as Camille, Cedar was pretty sure that he would end up doing whatever she wanted until the end of his life. Right now, this made him much happier than he had ever been.

Just looking at Lucille and seeing how she gazed at him with expectation was enough to make his self-control fade away. He hadn't planned on doing it, but now there was no other way anymore.

Cedar slowly moved forward and pressed his lips onto Lucille's. She felt as soft as always, and he could melt just because of such a quick peck. But of course, he dragged it out and refused to pull back. Instead, he carefully climbed toward her and tipped them over so that they were lying on the bed. Like this, he had to take his hand off her, but he could kiss her for longer without needing to lean forward the whole time.

Either way, Lucille didn't complain. She relaxed in his hold and tried her best to return the kiss despite the both of them not being sure what to do. At the same time, she wrapped her arms around him and held him in place. It seemed like she enjoyed this as much as he did.

Yet, Cedar couldn't be sure whether she had the same overwhelming emotions inside her since he had trouble thinking clearly right now. He felt like his heart was about to give in, and he could swear that he was feeling much warmer than before too. But he didn't let that stop him. He continued to kiss Lucille until she let out some small noise that made his heart skip a beat. He lifted his head at that and looked down at her.

Lucille's face was redder than normal, and she had trouble breathing, but she didn't take her arms off his back. Instead, she just pulled him down to her again.

Cedar allowed her to do that and turned to the side so that he wouldn't rest his weight on top of her. Then he hugged her back and gave her some time to catch her breath. He was generous with that, only because he wanted to be considerate and definitely not because he worried about getting red too.

Five minutes or so passed until Cedar finally spoke. He used the teasing undertone of his voice to distract from his own senses being overwhelmed, but he should be acting well enough to hide that. “As you may have guessed, I never did this with anyone else. I also never had the desire to do this before I met you. I only feel that way about you. Do I need to prove that again, or is it fine now?”

Lucille was silent for a few seconds. She covered her face with her hands and only responded when he already wanted to remind her of his question. “I...wouldn't mind doing it again. But please...give me a break first.” She didn't know how inviting that sounded.

Cedar scanned the few parts of Lucille's face that she hadn't been able to hide. Her traitorous blush was still there. She was embarrassed, much like before. That only gave him a chance to get even more of a reaction. He slowly raised one of his arms to reach for her hair. He lifted a strand of her hair and played with it a little.

That made Lucille look at him from behind her fingers. She knew what would follow, and he did too.

Cedar smirked at her as he began whispering. “So, you were jealous, weren't you? We've only been together for a little over two weeks. And yet, you already worry about me.”

Lucille closed her eyes again. She still hid her face and made no move to lower her hands. Thus, it was surprising that she even brought herself to speak despite her quiet and uncertain voice. “Yes. I want you to be here for me only. In a romantic sense, I mean.” She was way too adorable. It was good that she had closed her eyes right now.

Cedar stayed quiet for a few seconds to compose himself before he replied while running his fingertips over her scalp. “You are too cute. Did you know that? And you get jealous easily. I will need to be careful. I don't mind doing you that favor, even if I can assure you that I am not some sort of idiot that would shower multiple women with affection. I'm only doing that for you. But...I'm not selfless.” When it came to her, he would probably do everything she wanted despite his own wishes. But he wanted to be selfish when he was with her. “I want the same in return. I want you to be with me and only me.” For once, he wanted to be good enough for someone. Especially since he could guess what kind of bitterness and fear would rise inside him if another person approached Lucille romantically.

She was silent but left that pause to remove her hands from her face. She barely dared to make eye contact and was still as red as before. But Lucille forced herself to speak. “I...wouldn't get close to another person. I'm not unfaithful.”

Cedar shouldn't have been this content with that response, but this felt like the biggest victory he could reach at the time. “Good.” He twisted the strand of her hair around his finger and brought it to his face to kiss it. For some reason, that gesture felt extremely pleasant, and her reaction made it even more wonderful.

Lucille watched him with great care and met his eyes despite her obvious bashfulness. She stared at him for a while, and the both of them were quiet as they took in the other's expression.

A few minutes had probably passed by the time that they moved again.

Lucille's gray eyes were full of all kinds of soft and affectionate feelings while she lifted her hand. She put her palm on the backside of his head for a moment and stroked over his hair. That felt good enough, but then she cupped his cheek. She didn't dig her fingernails into his skin or try to get him to do something for her. She just wanted to do it because she felt like caressing him.

Cedar could have closed his eyes and relaxed like this easily. But he kept his eyes open and watched her the whole time. And she looked back at him with those beautiful eyes and offered him the most enchanting display imaginable while touching him so sweetly.

Another few seconds of silence followed.

Lucille opened her mouth and closed it again. Then she looked like she tried to read his emotions. Of course, that didn't give her much more courage. Her skin still was as red as her hair, and it seemed like it would stay like this for a while. She took a while to do what she had planned, but she didn't give up. She rested her one hand on Cedar's cheek and brought her other hand to his to interlink their fingers. Lucille drew in a deep breath before focusing on him completely. She didn't take her eyes off him while she spoke. She was quiet and didn't say much, but it changed everything within a single second.

“Cedar, I love you.”

Those words were enough to knock all air out of his lungs, much like a punch in his stomach would.

Cedar's smile faded.

It was rare that he was so surprised that this happened. Right now, Cedar could only stare at Lucille with something strange churning in his stomach. “What?” He was so quiet that he didn't even hear himself well.

But Lucille had understood him. She squeezed his hand with a bit more energy. “I...know that we are young, but...” Her voice gave in near the end. Still, she forced herself to continue. “But I'm sure about what I'm feeling. And that is why we are a couple, right? I...love you.” She looked so vulnerable while saying that.

Cedar wanted to reply. But he could only stare at that while a lump formed in his throat and his blood rushed in his ears. Memories threatened to overcome his senses, but the wave of nauseating emotion was much worse. This sentence was so much more than he deserved to ask for. And it meant more than anyone else could imagine too. He took a few seconds before he managed to choke out some words in a hoarse voice. “Are you... Are you sure?”

Lucille nodded. Her expression showed both her uncertainty and how emotionally invested she was. She waited for his reply. She would be hurt if he didn't say it back.

But saying that was impossible. At least at this point in time. And he needed to tell her that.

This was the only reason that Cedar managed to force himself to speak. “It will take a little while until I can say this back. That word...” He sounded so weak that it upset him even more. “That phrase. For me, it wasn't...meaningful until now.”

Love had always been an argument in his past. A horrifying one. An argument his mother had used to justify what she did.

When she needed him to do something and treated him like her tool once again, she said that he had to do it because he loved her or because no one in this whole world would love him if he didn't obey. When she had hurt him, she claimed to have done it because she loved him. When she had left another trail of blood and hatred behind, she explained that she had only wanted to hurt Althea and Theodore because she loved her husband.

The phrase ‘I love you’ had only ever led to two things. Pain for Cedar or others, or him needing to obey without any questions.

That sentence had only even been used by his mother. No one else had said this to him. He had spent years connecting it to those horrible things that his mother did.

By now, Cedar had seen how wonderful love could be. He had seen families like the Vasquez household and couples like Theodore and Blanche. He knew that love meant much more than an empty promise and that it was a pleasant emotion. And maybe he was on the right track to feeling real love soon too. He knew that this was the most affection and compassion he had ever felt for someone. He had no trouble admitting that.

But saying that one sentence. I love you. That would be much harder.

Cedar kept his eyes on Lucille, even though all of him wanted to hide his face. He always wanted to show a perfect facade, and when emotional cracks appeared, he ran away until it got better or he covered it up with everything he had. But this wasn't what he could do now. This between him and Lucille was supposed to be more than a meaningless affair. If he dared to dream about being in her future, he had to be like a normal person around her at least.

For some reason, it felt much harder to breathe right now, and something pricked in Cedar's eyes. But he managed to speak while meeting her gaze. “I...can tell you that this is the closest that I've ever gotten to real love. And I care about you more than I ever cared about anyone. But that sentence is... To me, it was...” He couldn't finish that sentence. He couldn't explain how something so wonderful had been the most painful manipulation for him in the past few years. When had Cedar last been unable to find the words to say what he meant? It had been a while. It had also been a while since a single sentence had been enough to push away his smile and all of his self-control. But he had to say more. If he didn't say it, how was Lucille supposed to understand? She would see this as a rejection, wouldn't she? “Until now...only she...” He tried to force himself even though his voice wouldn't come out, but he was stopped.

Lucille stroked her thumb over his skin. Her expression still revealed how emotional she was, but she didn't look hurt. She spoke despite her voice shaking as if she had cried for hours. “I can guess what you mean. You don't have to...say it now. I understand. So, you can't say that sentence. But you...feel like that too?”

He nodded without thinking. “Yes. More than I can put into words.” He needed to take a deep breath before continuing. “This is...new, and I don't know how to deal with it. But...it's...affection. It's real love, I think.” It wasn't how one should phrase a confession. But Cedar already did his best to refrain from covering up his expression with that damned fake smile. Normally, it was fine for him to grin, but he didn't want to show Lucille joy now when he needed to be honest about his feelings for once in his life.

It didn't feel like it was enough. He hadn't said those wonderful words after all.

But it seemed like Lucille didn't feel disappointed. She gave him a weak smile while some tears formed in the corner of her eyes. “Then I'm happy. Because what matters is how you feel. If you like me back, that is all we need.” She truly had to be a gift from the gods. She had come into Cedar's life from one day to the other and changed everything.

This whole world had seemed so pointless. So dull and loveless. It had been like this for the past twenty-two years of his life. And then he had almost bled out and nearly died. Lucille had been the one to drag him back, and she had, quite literally, given him a chance to be truly alive.

Cedar's heart thumped in his chest with so much vigor that it felt like it could jump out. He couldn't tell her all of this. Not yet. But he wanted to tell her this and so much more.

And he would do it.

He was a stubborn idiot, so he wouldn't let go of her anymore, and he wouldn't hold back after he finally got over some of his old problems. If he wanted to tell her about his feelings, he would gather the courage to do it at some point. He would give her the words she truly deserved too. But for now, he couldn't say it. So, he would show it.

He kissed Lucille again. This time, he was so much more gentle than before and hoped that this was enough of an answer to satisfy her for now.

And it felt like Lucille understood. She hugged him again and pulled him closer to her. How warm her embrace felt only underlined what he knew already.

Cedar had been aware of the fact that Lucille's love was different from Camille's. The difference wasn't just that one was romantic while the other one was so-called motherly love. Lucille's love held truth to it, and even a broken man like Cedar noticed that. In the past, he had always been happy to hear that his mother cared. But it hadn't been like when Lucille said it.

I love you.

Until now, he had never been so happy that he wanted to cry after hearing those words. This was a first.