Thank You For Being Trash

After that, the Imperial Palace was in an uproar over the wedding preparations. There were many unfriendly eyes, even that disappeared as Distria killed them all. The Palace, engulfed by a certain fear, was silent even as it prepared for a celebration.

Several times that Distria killed people, the Imperial Palace would smell of blood.

Because of that, fewer nobles came to Distria's chambers to report work. And as the number of people decreased, his work naturally increased. Still, while he worked through the night, he came to see me once a day.

Did he have to marry me while doing that?

As expected, I belonged to him. Nonetheless, even without marriage, I couldn't get away from him so I couldn't understand him doing such a destructive act.

What was he doing?

Distria had nothing to gain. Did love make people stupid like this? I really couldn't understand. Since it was so different from Distria's behavior before, I couldn’t help but feel strange.

“Don’t worry about anything.”

Distria kissed the back of my hand, and as he licked my lips, he whispered. Perhaps even pleased by my empty eyes, he smiled. At the same time, his eyes, burning with madness, ran all over my body.

It was a gaze of greed.

Distria wanted me… what kind of hatred and what kind of disgust was before that. I stared at him with blank eyes as he grabbed my chin and kissed my lips. Letting out a sigh of excitement, he walked out with the stack of papers.

The current Distria was irrational and crazy about love. He was out of his mind.

I licked my lips as I groaned over things while barely swallowing them through my mouth.

He should have loved me from the start… I didn't like how he whispered love to me after being so harsh. Even then, my teeth trembled at my selfishness. I liked that harshness. It was funny seeing me regret everything.

I stared blankly at the place he had left as my distraught mind was shaken.

I wanted to be proud of myself when they came to pick me up, and I believed the note Acacia left. I had no doubt that he would come to pick me up. However, at Distria's marriage proposal, my heart was shaken by my choice.

It wasn't that I was so swayed by DIstria whispering love. If they really came to pick me up, it seemed that they would never be able to reach me alive… Distria right now was crazy about me so it seemed possible for him to go mad and kill everyone who approached me.

I was worried about that.

Ironically, I feared their deaths. I didn't want to risk it. Giving irreparable wounds to those I loved and driving them to death. It was a contradictory mind, a contradictory attitude.

‘I'm sorry, I'm a selfish person.’

I apologized and laughed bitterly to myself.

* * *

As I woke up from sleep, the smell of alcohol rushed in from Distria, who was touching my body. He slowly approached me and buried his head in my shoulder while his cold lips touched my neck. With his mouth opened, his wet tongue touched my skin.

“I didn’t want this position.”

He whispered softly in my ear as if telling a secret.

“I want to have you more than this place, Arne.”

Raising fingers wrapped around my neck, the smell of blood rushed in. It was a dark night. The moonlight coming in from the window illuminated Distria. The color of the damp sleeves was dark.

The wet, dark color seemed to be blood.

“If I can have you, I don’t need anything.”

When he grabbed my hair, Distria kissed me on the lips and stared at me. I somehow thought that he and I resembled each other. Selfish to the limit and capable of sacrificing and ignoring anything to achieve what we wanted…

…I thought we looked alike.

I reached out and wrapped my hand around Distria's waist as I could hear his heart pounding and beating.

Since when did I start to hate Distria? With what qualifications? I was not qualified. Was it right in my heart to hate him?

The smell of alcohol made my head throb. At the same time, my head was spinning, and I thought something was wrong.

Haa, I sighed.

The bottomless selfishness made me want to rationalize and justify everything and blame others. I was a very selfish person. Furthermore, it was terrible to try to convince myself in any way that there was no hope and to shut off the possibility that I couldn't dream of.

It was terrible to try to avoid the fact that Distria resembled me and made other excuses to avoid him.

As the weight of his limp body fell on my shoulders, my thoughts stopped. The white pillowcase was drenched in blood. I recently killed a person and thought it was someone else's blood.

Still, the blood was still dripping incessantly.

Only then did I know that the flowing blood was his. Meanwhile, Distria was motionless. He put his face on my shoulder and let out a heavy breath. Was it hard to breathe because he was hurt or because he had been drinking alcohol?

I closed my eyes and opened them. I couldn't even guess what to do.

My hands trembled.

I was afraid.

What…

“Haa…”

Distria let out a hot breath. My ears were hot, and my hands trembled even more. If I wouldn’t do anything like this, would he die? Then…

“Arne.”

A voice that had sunk whispered my name in a low voice.

"I love you."

He spoke of his love. If I wouldn’t do anything, would I regret it after he died? If he died now, would I be accused of killing him? Then, would death come? Would it be more comfortable if I died? Would it be better for them if I died with him?

Many thoughts flowed through my head in a short amount of time. Wouldn't it be better for me, who is selfish and mean, to help him like that?

I glared at Distria's defenselessly exposed neck.

He, who hadn't even moved, suddenly laid me down with a strong force.

I breathed in, feeling as if I had been caught. He gazed at me with deep eyes as he ran his bloody hands over my clothes. His thick blood soaked my clothes. It soaked my clothes for a long time as if he was branding them.

Distria called my name again.

“Arne.”

That was it.

He lay next to me, collapsed. My heart was beating with a thumping sound. I didn't do anything… no, I didn't do anything.

As a result, Distria lived.

I didn't try to save him or kill him. I didn't do anything. Thinking of them, killing Distria was the right thing to do. If I thought of them…. why couldn't I do anything that day?

What was I afraid of?

My death?

Or…

Was I afraid of him?

* * *

I felt distant.

It was eaten up by ugly feelings due to endless selfishness, and then it was raised again. Sometimes being caught up in this feeling made me angry, screaming and rioting.

Why was I stressed? It felt like I was being punished.

“Aahkk! Aaahh…! Eheuk.”

After screaming for a while, tears came out. Maybe, I was going mad. I wondered what my head would be like.

I felt guilty.

At the same time, I wanted to escape from that guilt. I wanted to run away from these heavy feelings when something suddenly cut off, even though I was aware of my fault.

…Was this my selfishness? Was it the price of selfishness? Was it the punishment for the suffering of others I have ignored? But, why was I being punished… was it wrong to live selfishly?

It just made me think that the love I received was something warm and pleasant. I waited and waited and thought and thought. What did I want to do? What was I waiting for? Sometimes, I laughed for a long time because it was funny to cling to thin hopes.

I was a real madman.

Drunk with faint feelings, dreaming of a beast like me to ever become a human.

Stupid.

Did I really think I could be a human? Wouldn't it have been more comfortable if I had just given up on my feelings and lived in pursuit of pleasure? I regretted and blamed myself for what I had done and resented the people who loved me.

I held back the tears that burst out.

It was useless for Distria to be sweet.

After crying silently for a long time, I was held by him. My worries were crumbled by the pleasure that flashed through my brain. What filled me was pleasure… I was just confused for a moment. I was a person who didn't like to think.

I wrapped my hands around Distria's waist.

Soon, I started a life of pleasure again—spread my legs to others, meet anyone, sleep with anyone—something appeared and then disappeared. I lost things I barely found. It was so lamentable. It felt like a happy dream for a while.

Distria didn't stop me from sleeping with anyone. He held me silently as I returned from sleeping with others.

“You want me to kill them all, right?”

Distria murmured bleakly.

I just cried for a while in his arms without saying a word. Falling asleep from weeping, waking up to the pleasure as he thrusted into me, it was the life of a beast.

I didn't like this either.

My vision flickered at the dizzying thoughts.

It was a mistake to dream of life here. It was my fault that I did not know that I would be loved this much and that I did not know that I would change this much. Even though I blamed myself endlessly and regretted my life, nothing would change… I would just cry and be held by someone.

…I should have killed him then.

I regretted life. I regretted the things that had passed.

I hate myself.

* * *

The ladies-in-waiting put something on my face and dressed me up. They prepared things that looked like mine.

Distria kissed the back of my hand, and I glanced at the shining ring on my left hand.

“If you go to the temple and have a wedding. You will officially become my wife.”

He said and laughed. He was very sorry that he couldn't go with me, so he entrusted two knights with escorting me. Escorted by two knights, I rode in a carriage without a word. I was happy to escape the terrible Imperial Palace, even for a moment.

Although I would go back there anyway, I was happy for a while.

It was a fleeting happiness. I hoped that the temple would be located far away from the Imperial Palace.

__