Thank You For Being Trash

Tip, tap.

The rain knocked on the window. As I looked up at the rainy sky and opened the window, I stretched out my hand and touched the rain. The raindrops hit the back of my hand and flowed down my fingertips.

Distria reached out and grabbed me by the waist. He threw me on the bed.

The window closed with a loud bang.

He came closer to me and slapped me on the cheek. Once, then twice. Still, I didn't even scream and just watched him silently slap my cheek. Distria's expression hardened as he came close to me before he locked me between the bed and his arms.

"Tell me. Do you want to die?”

He lowered his head, kissed me, and bit my lips.

A sharp pain spread.

“Say whatever you like, die whatever it is.”

It was just one-sided violence. I didn't mean to die. The floor was a mess of scattered papers. It was crushed and torn and rolled about on the floor. The next moment, Distria took off his shirt. He threw away the shirt casually, his eyes burning with hate.

"Ha… I want to kill you.”

He hugged me. The thumping sound of his heart came to me. He stroked my hair and gave me a gentle look. He called my name sweetly, as he would do to a lover. He was adept at hiding and controlling his emotions.

I was taken aback by the sudden change of atmosphere.

“Arne.”

Distria grabbed my chin. He kissed me greedily while the maddened eyes stared intently at me. He clenched the cut in my mouth and swallowed the blood that flowed out. The taste of the liquid on the tip of my tongue was sharp.

Like swallowing something sweet…

“Don’t think about dying.”

His hand wrapped around my neck. He slowly stretched his hand. His fingertips ran down my neck. chest, belly, and thighs. He stroked the insides and raised my legs to rub them. Then, he kissed the back of my foot.

“When the time comes, I will kill you myself.”

He grabbed my hand and placed his lips on the back of my hand.

“So, don’t die."

I couldn't fathom Distria’s heart. In what sense was he doing this to me? I didn't believe his words when he said that he loved me. He was adept at faking his emotions.

He couldn’t love me like that.

It was a dreary night.

* * *

It was late at night when I opened my eyes. Distria was nowhere to be seen beside me or in the room.

Creak.

Like I was running away, I opened the door and went out. I didn't know where I was going or where I wanted to go. My footsteps moved on their own. My thighs hurt the whole time I walked. My cheek hurt from being hit by him.

I arrived at the place where I had originally stayed.

My heart was beating with a thumping sound, and I opened the door. There were still fresh flowers. This was my trace. As I reached out and grabbed the flower, Acacia's words reached my ears like hallucinations.

“The language of this flower is ‘Atonement’.”

Just like Acacia, who silently disappeared. The flowers crumbled from my fingertips. Startled at the flowers, which withered from where my fingertips touched, I removed my hand. I stared blankly at the empty vase where the flowers had withered without a trace.

"Ha… haha."

The flowers were my heart. The vase was my trace, and the withered marks dispersed and disappeared with a breath…

My heart went blank, and only the traces remained.

What was it?

My tears flowed down.

‘I will become a knight for you.’

Thank you for giving your strength to someone like me.

‘I will not ask you to love me. Just let me love you.’

Thank you for loving me. For loving someone like me

‘Why! Why did you save me by going through such a cruel humiliation?'

I love you.

I repeated the truth that I couldn't say. I sat down on the floor.

Drip.

Tears flowed incessantly. The only trace of me was an empty vase in the room. When I looked at my palms, there was nothing. Why did I realize this so late? Just as I realized my love for Rewan irreversibly too late. Why did I realize it now? I wish I hadn't realized it. Why do I want to become a human now…?

I don't want to live like this anymore.

I don't want to live without thinking like this anymore.

I don't want to live only for pleasure.

I don't want to live like a beast…

When I didn't know, I didn't know that love, trust, and faith could fill my inside. I was afraid and just ran away. Like a person experiencing rain for the first time, I was afraid of the vivid touch and ran away.

…I was stupid. I was wrong.

It was all me.

I ruined everything

Sitting down, I shed nothing but tears before finally standing up. As I put my hand under the pillow, I cut my hand at the sharp touch and hurriedly put the pillow away.

The dagger that Acacia gave me…

It was as if I had found a piece of warmth in a deep and long dark tunnel. Tears poured out again as something filled me with tears.

Flutter.

A sheet of paper fell. It was a simple sentence written in neat handwriting. Even though the sentence was written without much rhetoric, as emotions were overflowing, my hand that picked up the paper trembled.

〈 I leave it as yours. I'll pick you up soon. 〉

I got up and wiped away the tears. I took the dagger Acacia left behind and walked into the room. The Imperial Palace was in an uproar.

When did he get here…?

My body froze in Distria's eyes as he looked at me with an angry expression.

“If I had known you would come back here, I wouldn’t have dispatched the knights.”

Saying so, he grabbed my chin with one hand.

“My dear Arne. Where have you been? I couldn’t take my eyes off you even for a moment.”

My hand holding the dagger trembled awkwardly.

…I was selfish, unaware of my faults, and only knew how to shift the blame. Even though I had been chasing pleasure, I got what I wanted though I was so selfish that I wanted something else. I want it again.

"I…”

“…I can hear your voice now.”

Distria closed the door.

“I hate you.”

I raised the dagger high.

Before I had time to stab him, his arm blocked my hand. The great impact of his hand caused the dagger to slip from my grip.

The falling dagger was lodged in Distria's thigh.

"Ha… It’s the first time you said that. You hate me?”

As red blood leaked from his thigh, he pulled out the knife stuck in his thigh.

Splat.

Even as blood poured out, Distria stared at the dagger slowly before he laughed softly.

Sneer.

“This dagger is from Acacia. Did you meet him?”

"No! It's mine, I have never met him.”

The next moment, he grabbed me by the wrist as I struggled. I screamed because I hated the sparks pointing to Acacia. I wanted to take back the sword he was holding. It was mine… It belonged to no one else but mine.

When I reached out to him, Distria slapped my cheek.

“Arne, can't you even grasp the atmosphere right now? I’m so upset, so shut up. Because I want to kill you.”

I thumped down on his thigh, which was leaking blood.

Splurt.

Blood gushed out. His expression was calm as if he wasn't in pain. Distria stared down at me as if to add.

Tears welled up in me.

"Die. die…! I want you dead.”

“Has your memory of crying under me gone?”

The low, serious voice and angry expression when he saw something he didn’t like. I was overcome with that fear. My heart was pounding as if I had entered the beast's mouth.

My lips trembled as I spoke.

“…No. I never… done that.”

As Distria threw me onto the bed, I faced his angry gaze. He rode on top of me, causing his blood to soak the sheets. Because of that, the white sheets were stained with blood.

“You have to remember.”

His lips traced my neckline. He held both of my hands up with one hand. He pressed his body against my struggling legs.

The blood flowing from his thigh soaked my body.

“Arne.”

Distria grabbed my bottom with the other hand.

“If you hate me, I want you to say and act differently. Arne.”

He smiled brightly as he took out his hand, which had been soaked with love liquid. Distria licked his hand, and he put himself in and moved with all his might. Although his thighs were leaking blood, he was busy thrusting his waist as if he didn't even feel the pain.

“Why are you so wet? Arne.”

“Hu-ugh… Huht.”

A squelching sound echoed through the room. Moaning continued to erupt as he stabbed my insides in various ways, and I gasped for breath.

“Hah-uht… Aaahht! Ah!"

I turned my head and put the sheet in my mouth.

I don't want to moan. The thighs that were caught were hot, as if they were burning. Both my hands were let go at some point, and he let go of my hands though I didn't even think to push him. At the same time, the smell of blood stung the tip of my nose as the blood dripped.

“In the name of starting a war.”

My heart raced. I didn't want to hear what he said. Distria freed my hand from his hold.

“I sent Acacia to the periphery. You will never see him again.”

Then, he pressed his lips to my neck. He opened his mouth to lick my neck and bit it with his teeth. I shuddered at the sudden pain. As he took out what he had put inside, he had a clean appearance, unlike when he had done a beastly act.

Distria grabbed my head. Her ferocious eyes scrutinized me as though tying me down. It was the eye of the beast at the top of the food chain.

My body trembled uncontrollably as horror seized me.

In a daze, I gazed at Distria’s figure. The Imperial Palace was in an uproar. Slowly, footsteps and people's voices became louder. Distria took off his shirt and stopped the bleeding on his thighs, which were dripping. He then smiled.

“Lepis, who loves you?”

Something went wrong. His angry look was close to jealousy, like he loved me. He acted like he was fretful about not getting my attention…

“He was sent to another place, never to come back.”

Distria couldn't love me. Still, what was this emotion reflected in his eyes? What was the situation?

Like my brain had stopped, there was only ringing. I knew nothing. I was blank for a momen, and thenn I looked at him. The bedroom door opened, and knights rushed in. Looking at the bloody bedroom, they thrust a spear into my neck.

I had no time to feel the fear of death. My lips uttered words of bewilderment.

“…Do you love me?”

Distria laughed.

The voices of the knights buzzed in my ears. It sounded like nothing. Even in the midst of the noise and bustle, I could only see him.

“Arne, I told you I love you."

“…Why?"

When the knights grabbed my shoulders, he dismissed everyone who came to his side to treat his wounds. Distria gestured at the knights surrounding me.

“Even though I wanted to kill you, I felt like going crazy thinking you weren’t here. I want to have you by my side, but what is it if not love?”

Distria came to me.

Not wanting to hear his story, I closed my eyes and covered my ears. Still, he held my hand gently as he kissed my lips and whispered in my ear.

"I love you, Arne.”

This was a deception towards me.

You shouldn't do this to me.

No.

__