Thank You For Being Trash

He destroyed Arne's country and ruined her life. Still, she allowed him to live as a human even though he was such a ruthless person.

That day, Acacia could not concentrate on his work. In his nearby mansion, he slept a little before returning to the Imperial Palace, which was why was a little later than the time he was supposed to go.

As he walked towards Arne's door, a harsh, passionate breathing could be heard in Acacia's ears. The sound got louder as he got closer to Arne's room. His heart was beating slightly anxiously and reduced his presence.

Through the gap in the doorway, he could see someone moving on Arne.

His vision flashed white. Who was above her was never a thing to consider at all. He took off his coat and covered Arne's eyes. Holding the sword, he grabbed the falling neck with one hand and supported the leaning body with the other.

As the smell of blood brushed the tip of his nose, Acacia came to his senses in an instant. What did he just do now?

He wanted to think it was not the Emperor whom he had killed. He was afraid.

The smell of blood vibrating in the room made him unable to calm down. He swung his sword without thinking… No, the sword was swung without even time to think, as if he had lost control. It was nothing different from a beast, wasn’t it?

Acacia mocked himself.

“…Don’t look.”

He moved his limp legs. He opened his closed eyes. He looked at the one he had killed.

It was time to face reality.

Fortunately, it was not the Emperor whom he killed. Acacia sneered at himself in his own thoughts. He killed people without thinking yet felt relieved that the one killed was not the Emperor. He was still a beast. Still, looking at Arne, who was holding his collar and trembling, he didn't think it was a bad thing.

…He was rude, ugly and selfish, so how could he possibly stand by her side?

Acacia thought he deserved death, so he wanted to die at her hands. Because he was the one who ended her life, he thought he deserved death at her hands… even that was his own selfishness.

He gave Arne the sword.

Thinking of his imminent death, he wasn't afraid. When nothing happened, Acacia was both happy and sad.

* * *

“I will change the Emperor.”

Late in the evening, Lepis, who came to Acacia's room, said. He thought he had misheard Lepis for a moment and went silent as his reason was paralyzed.

Acacia rested one hand on his forehead.

“…What do you mean by telling me that?”

“As you are a servant of Arne, I thought you would cooperate unconditionally.”

Lepis looked at his face. He inhaled his breath for a moment and asked Acacia.

“…Is it not?"

He could not imagine Distria not being the Emperor. Acacia did not, and he had never even imagined his death. Was Distria the right image for the emperor? That wasn't it. Even so, why couldn’t he easily join in Lepis’ words that he wanted to change the emperor? Why didn’t he feel weird?

He was confused.

“…Wait, wait a minute.”

Acacia's heart pounded. The room was enveloped in suffocating silence. If he was for Arne. It was befitting to kill the Emperor, Distria.

He had the power to kill the Emperor at any time, and he was one who could kill at any time… Though he never thought of killing Distria. Even when he betrayed him and decided to serve Arne, Acacia never had that thought.

He remembered the man who had taken Arne the night before. He thought of the sword he swung without thinking. He was not a knight, nor was he a person who could keep his beliefs. How dare he judge others.

…He himself was not worthy to kill Distria.

"I…I don't deserve it.”

“….”

“I’m the one who killed many without thinking of commands.”

“… However!"

“How can I kill him?”

“….”

“I deserve to die, too.”

Acacia scoffed. He stood up as if he didn't want to talk anymore.

Confused, he remembered himself as a child who said he wanted to protect the weak. How was he at that time? How was he back then when he found out that he had been played when he became Distria’s sword?

“Then, kill him and die.”

Lepis' words cut off his thoughts. Acacia turned his body and looked at Lepis.

“Kill him… Die and make atonement.”

Lepis' sharp eyes touched him.

“I, too, deserve to die.”

“….”

“I, too, don’t deserve to kill him.”

“It’s not like that. I have never killed him until now, even though I can kill him. Now…”

If he only killed Distria now, then the people he killed without thinking in the past. Now, if he killed Distria, what about the past?

Acacia knew now that he was not thinking right.

“Then, Arne! I ruined it, someone else's life? What about those whose lives got ruined?”

Pump, pump.

His thoughts were cut off as he was suffering. Kill him, not kill him. He deserved death. Who deserved to die…?

“I am afraid.”

What are you so afraid of?

“I am afraid.”

“….”

“I’ll kill him, then I’ll be relieved to kill him. I, who ruined other people’s lives, and, who easily killed others, killed him.”

“….”

“I will comfort myself by saying I killed him. Will I give up being human anymore? Will I want to live more life? Will I become more of a monster?”

Acacia spoke out angrily.

He was confronted with his own unresolved sin, which strangled his neck. Acacia was having a hard time breathing. He was in pain, facing his ugly, inner selfishness. Not only that, he was also confronted with his selfishness that he couldn't hide until the very end.

“I’m afraid.”

Even though he could kill Distria any time he wanted, he couldn't… He couldn’t kill Distria. It was his selfishness. He was afraid that he would kill Distria and live in relief.

Acacia wanted to live. It was true that death was terrifying. Acacia thought that he deserved death. But he wanted to live, even though he wanted to die as well. He wanted to keep his beliefs and live proudly as a knight.

And, if he killed Distria, he was afraid that he'd choose to live…

He was afraid he would think of himself as a good person to live. He was afraid. He didn't deserve to live.

Acacia cried. It was pathetic that he couldn't do this or that.

He wept sadly.

__