Stop it, Bro~

"WAKE UP!!" Nami's shout was not something Brody wanted to wake up to but here they were. Then again, things evened out with how well Nojiko felt like a small spoon to his big one as the elder sister, too, slowly opened her eyes and looked over to him in a dazed manner before broadly smiling, "Good morning, Nami, Captain."

Sitting up, Brody nodded idly and yawned once again, "Hng, yeah... What is it? Are we under attack?"

"Don't act so casually! What the hell were you doing with my sister?!" Nami hissed with her cheeks crimson as Brody wiped his face with how his navigator had been spraying. Shrugging in response, he replied, "Spooning. It accelerates the recovery period of the body, or so I've heard. Do you feel well?"

His gaze turned to Nojiko who smirked through the innocuous pretense. She only needed one night of poking therapy while sleeping to realize that her captain was not as 'innocent' and 'oblivious' as he presented himself and while there may be a certain truth to his child-like personality, she wasn't about to buy into the goofy persona.

"I feel good, Brody," She nodded, "Although, I would need more of this treatment to heal quicker."

"You two need to stop screwing with me!" Nami raised his clenched fists with her lips twitching and a vein popping over her head.

"Oh, well, that's what you think. We just wanted to have better sleep," Brody hummed and slipped out of the bed and gave all the clown decorations in the captain's cabin, and walked towards the door before meeting the new day... and a strange, dark-haired woman wearing a white cowboy hat with a broad grin. Ignoring the feeling as if he'd stepped on something and chalked it up to still not being fully awake, Brody couldn't help but remark with his most practiced phrase.

"Hey, you're new. Wanna join my crew?"

She blinked while loosening her hold over the large spike mace she'd been carrying visible through the plink cloak covering her body head down as Brody continued to gaze into her dark-green set of eyes.

"Uh... Captain, you're stepping on a child." Nojiko's somewhat even tone snapped Brody out of his thoughts as he looked down over at the face he'd been stepping on as the 'child' was looking up while glaring at him hatefully!

"Oh... so I AM stepping on something... what the hell? Get your kinks satisfied somewhere else dude. Why did you get under my foot?" Brody frowned and berated the child as the figure shouted in a sharp tone, "YOU'RE the one who stepped on me while I was about to open the door! Who are you?! What are you doing in my cabin?!"

"Buggy?!" Nami's surprise was relevant through her voice as Brody looked back, "Where? Where's Buggy?"

"RIGHT HERE!!!" the 'boy' screamed in frustration.

"Uh... what are you still doing under my foot? Move."

"You move! I'm stuck under you!"

---

Brody looked at the newcomers while sitting on the captain's chair and glared at the 'man' who just comprised of a head, hands, and feet with the rest of the dwarf's body missing, or so he claimed.

"You know, the only reason I am believing this nonsense that your body got stolen is that my navigator is verifying for you, Dwarf." He leaned back and looked at the woman when the clown interrupted, "I'm Buggy!"

"We'll see... any bounty poster to prove it?" Brody narrowed his eyes.

"It's right behind you!" Buggy shouted and Brody smirked, "Dwarf, you think I'll look back just because you said so?" He proceeded to look back, "Huh... you look like Buggy's deformed child, I'll give you that."

Nojiko and Nami looked at one another speechlessly as he looked at the unknown woman, "And you're his mother? Buggy's mistress?"

"Hmm, no," She narrowed her eyes, "And this is indeed Buggy the Clown with a 15 million bounty on his head."

"And that woman works for Straw Hat Luffy!" Buggy pointed at Nami with a cold smirk, "Or so she did! It's clear she betrayed them! If you value your life, you'll discard her and get the hell out of my ship!"

"Your ship?" Brody frowned and stood up, "Discard? My navigator?" His red pupils seemingly dilating as he set his gaze on Buggy whose red round nose twitched and his painted lips seized up with the threat Brody suddenly presented with his body language.

"Now, now, how about we calm down? You can do that for me, the most beautiful pirate, right?" The woman's plump lips pulled into a beautiful smile as her heart suddenly trembled when his gaze fell on her, making her wonder how Buggy of all people hadn't started to chatter in fear given his disposition.

"You? The most beautiful?" Brody's gaze bore into her before his lips parted into a predatory grin, "I've fucked hotter."

Never seeing their captain this... boorish, Nojiko and Nami were forced to realize that just maybe... just maybe, they hadn't even scratched the surface of the mystery their captain was.

"Wha—?" The woman's lips parted in extreme shock as she held her mace and stood up. While this woman was the tallest female Nojiko and Nami had ever seen, easily 6 feet tall, she still looked... 'small' compared to their captain as she hissed, "Say that again, boy."

Her demand was matched with equal fervor as Brody narrowed his gaze, "I said, you ain't the hottest shit I've seen so take that deformed abnormality with you. This ship belongs to me, Bro...dy Hanma."

"You— wait... Brody?" Her pupils shrunk as Buggy hissed, "Let's get her, Lady—"

"Shut up!" She snapped at Buggy and looked at Brody once again, "How can we believe you're Brody Hanma?"

"Isn't my bounty made public in East Blue?"

"Your face is unclear." She stated calmly.

Feeling Nojiko's gaze bore into his back, Brody groaned as all the tension that seemed tangible leaking through him disappeared at once as he shrugged, turned around, and looked back while flexing his exposed arm and back, "Does this work?"

Seeing the same pose as the bounty poster, she nodded, "It's really you... I suppose it's not a shame to feel threatened by you. I am Alvida of Alvida Pirates."

A surprised gasp leaked from behind as Brody looked at Nami, "You know her too?"

"Uh... the Alvida I knew is... this..." Rummaging through the list of the bounties delivered through the newspaper, Nami found the one she was looking for and revealed the tanned poster with the image of an obese, freckled woman with a mean stare.

"That's right. I lost my freckles after eating a devil fruit." Alvida, even if not the most beautiful woman but still in the ranking of them, nodded, "I feel that freckles accentuated my beauty well... but this is alright, too."

Just freckles?

JUST freckles?!

Alvida felt stupified gazes lingering over her form as she pulled away her cloak with a proud grin that revealed her slim and curvaceous body boldly presented by a white bikini covering her voluptuous bosom, a form-fitting pink capri-pants that hung low enough to reveal the edges of her thong. Her fair and smooth skin contrasted well with her dark hair as she narrowed her eyes and purred, "Eating Sube-Sube no Mi has granted me a lot of strength. If you are indeed Brody 'Ruin' Hanma, I agree to join your crew only if you help me kill a pirate named Monkey D. Luffy! You would do that for me," bringing her hands over her head to practically present her barely covered hourglass figure, Alvida winked, "Right?"

"No way," the quick, blunt reply without any hesitation made Alvida's eyes bulge out of her sockets as Brody continued, "If you've got beef with Luffy, deal with it yourself. Why do I have to help you with that? Besides, I'm the captain. I'll do things as I like!"

"Anyway, you can leave, child. Alvida, come on, we're about to explore the island," Brody shrugged.

"But I didn't agree to join your crew," Alvida frowned.

"You didn't?" Brody questioned.

"Alright, I'm sure he just acts innocent and only wants a ship full of women!" Nami whispered to Nojiko who blinked in surprise, "Wow... I've never heard of such a pirate group. Wouldn't that be something?"

"And you're definitely doing all this to piss me off!" Nami hissed as her sister only chuckled, "You think so? I might have other motives than just teasing you but... seeing you all excited and flustered does have its own joy~!"

"DON'T IGNORE ME!!" Buggy's shout quietened the room and his head, arms, and feet separated before floating with a menacing stare, "Lady Alvida! Let's get them! He may be strong... but your power can make anything useless!"

Bringing her Iron Mace over to her shoulders, Alvida narrowed her eyes and looked at Brody, "While I'm not attacking you because of Buggy since our truce is only intended to get our revenge on Straw Hat Luffy... the fact that you will still turn a blind eye to my beauty is bothersome!"

"Ho! Then come at me!" Brody grinned as he pounced at the duo without any warning and grabbed Buggy's floating head before practically tearing out of the cabin! Not letting her surprise stop her, Alvida rushed out while slipping out of her sandals and sliding across the surface of the ship followed by Nami and Nojiko quickly following them out only to hear Buggy scream and... Beg!

"No! Don't do this— Gahk!" The head screamed as even Alvida was forced to stop by the sight of Brody pressing a rather large metal pipe into Buggy's mouth as he hummed, "I wonder if the pipe will tear down from your head... or magically transport to wherever your throat is. Devil Fruits are seriously amazing~!"

The eyes of the spectating women widened... they didn't know how to feel about a man pressing something large and hard into another man's mouth and Brody's curious question did attract everyone's interest about Buggy's limit when suddenly, the clown's head was divided into two vertical halves and he slipped out from Brody's hold, leaving his captain's hat still caught in the redhead's muscled freak's hand.

His face promptly joined together as whatever remained of Buggy floated as he screamed, "I'll get back at you bastards! Don't you forget—"

{A/N: I seriously don't know if Buggy can achieve flight but this fanfic is assuming pro flight.}

His strength may have made him ignore the threat Arlong successfully turned out to be as Brody now realized that even the weak ones have their strengths, and unwilling to let a captain escape at that, Brody suddenly widened his stance with his arms fully spread out and...

*Clap*

Alvida, Nami, and Nojiko didn't even see Brody's hand moving to clap. One second his arms were spread out and the other second they smacked each other with an unimaginable force that created a sound loud enough to make the trio cover their ears as Buggy suddenly felt something tremendous impact his face with unbelievable precision causing his vision to go dark as he lost his consciousness and fall down into the sea.

"Heh, how was that?!" Brody grinned at the ladies and before Alvida could attack him, he suddenly rushed towards the edge of the deck.

"Where are you running, coward!" Alvida screamed.

"To take out that deformed child from the sea, of course!" Brody shouted in reply, "This wide ocean will never witness Brody Hanma NOT lending a drowning child a helping hand!"

"You're the one who caused him to drown!" Nami and Alvida screamed in perfect sync as Nojiko laughed, "I never knew being a pirate could be so fun. I would have become one long ago."

"It's not fun... most pirates are cruel and vindictive." Saying so, Nami looked at Alvida who nodded thoughtfully, "Indeed... a good thing that those monsters get locked up by marines to let beautiful and kind-hearted pirates like me let others give me their valuable possessions!"

Nami dreaded the day she ever encountered someone even more conceited in her beauty than Alvida!

"Anyway," Alvida looked at Nami and Nojiko, "Are you the ones that Brody slept with? You barely look beautiful... did you intoxicate him before the act? Quickly, tell me, if his club even comparable to my mace?"

"What?!" Nami gasped with a blush.

"We didn't sleep with him. Beauty is subjective so there is no way to assess the level of one's beauty. We never intoxicated him. As a woman, his club... feels more fearsome than your mace despite its spikes." Nojiko replied calmly, sending Nami into a daze.

"Hmm... you've got a future," Alvida narrowed her gaze, "I guess, Brody hasn't surrounded himself with pathetic fools."

"My name is Nojiko, your future Finance Officer. If you remain polite, I will even increase your allowance at a higher frequency." The blue-haired, dark-skinned tattooed woman smiled.

"A- A finance officer!" Alvida stared in amazement, "I thought you're just some side chick... amazing. What's 9 times 14?"

Smirking, Nojiko replied without hesitation, "126."

Alvida's lips parted... "I don't know how to confirm it but that sounds right..."

"Are you an idiot!" Nami felt her head spin as she was simply too level-headed to deal with this kind of shit the first thing in the morning!

***

Alternative Title: Is 9 times 14 really 126?