Starting a Night Shift Part-time Job at a Convenience Store

“Why…”

“Someone like me is not worth being alive because I’m a trash of society!”

“…That kind of thing…”

“A year has already passed since I joined the company, yet all I have done is make failures! Every day I’m constantly being scolded! I’ve been told over and over again that my presence here is futile! The seniors I admire are a nuisance to me, the juniors laugh at me, and my peers ostracize me for being a dullard incapable of doing my job! Nobody needs me, I’m worthless… I’m the same as a piece of trash! Even if I live, it’s meaningless!!”

She broke down in tears while saying this.

Apparently, her lack of professional achievement and the pressure she was under from all sides distressed her greatly to the degree she was on the verge of committing suicide since she didn’t want to live with such misery.

“What are you talking about? Being a trash of society…?”

I kneeled down before the woman who was weeping aloud.

“If it’s being trash… then I’m the one who’s trash.”

“Huh…”

When she raised her small face, I tried to smile to the utmost extent possible, though I was not certain whether I did it well.

“I am still a freeter at my age. I do not have a girlfriend, I am a vain guy, but more than anything, I am incredibly timid and uncool… Lately… I have been receiving a lot of help from people… Like you, I do not do any work that contributes to society, I do not know the severity of society, and I am an idiot who only thinks living a comfortable life and eating every day is good enough. At my age, I am probably more… trash than you because I do not serve society, and I am constantly inconveniencing the people around me. The fact that you go to work and work properly is not trash… and that you do not have any worth living is not true.”

“No… I…! I am a hindrance to everyone!”

“How old are you now…?”

“Ugh… E-Eighteen… cough.”

“I am 25. When rounded off, that makes me a 30 year old man.”

The thought of her standing on the edge of a cliff sent a surge of impatience through me that I had to do something.

Regardless of the reason, she was a real suicidal person. Her eyes were serious.

Even though it was outside the scope of our conversation so far to fully grasp the depth of her suffering and what she had gone through to the stage where she wanted to die, if I were to dismiss her heartbreaking plea right now, she would unquestionably take her own life.

My premonition was spot on.

The vinyl strings were to be hung from a branch and hooked around her neck.

The utility knife was to slit her own wrist.

The ballpoint pen, loose-leaf notebook and brown envelope were for writing a suicide note.

The receipt was merely for camouflage.

A genuine suicidal person was right in front of me.

And she has already cast one foot over the cliff. One false move and I would be the one to push her over the edge.

I couldn’t say anything thoughtless.

I had to be cautious. I had to restrain myself from saying anything against her in any way.

First, I needed to reassure her.

Perspiration of tension erupted from my entire body.

“You’re still young, it’s okay to fail… Even if you say one year, it’s only one year, there are many people who excel at their jobs and many people who are not all that proficient… so don’t be so condemning and hurt yourself so much.”

I concentrated intensely, like threading a needle through a hole, and chose each word as it came out.

“Failure is a terribly shameful and unpleasant experience… When I was a student, I hated being embarrassed in front of people because of my ridiculously high pride. People would laugh at me and point back at me. I understand the feeling of wanting to drive yourself to the breaking point because you feel pathetic about failing…”

And to top it off, the eyes of others are on you. The stress is beyond measure.

“But you don’t have to be that ashamed of yourself for failing… That you are not worth living is an overstatement… You should value yourself more.”

“Valuing myself… that’s not possible. Whatever I do, I already know it’s not going to work…! I’m a stupid… useless human being!”

She was no doubt a diligent girl.

In her own way, she struggled with her inability to perform well at her job, and yet she kept going for a year, pushing herself when things didn’t turn out well and didn’t quit.

All sorts of people laughed at her, talked about her behind her back but she kept going.

And then she ended up here.

From her mouth, she kept reiterating that she had persistently striven but to no avail.

For a while, I kept my mouth open without being able to say anything.

What should I say next? I searched for words.

No, but you know what?

This is only the beginning.

Let’s not give up.

You can do it, I’m sure of it.

Without a sense of tension, I would absolutely never utter such a thing.

If it were the old me, I would have thought something like, “Don’t be so naive. A suicidal person would have laid out all kinds of good reasons and played the victim role.”

Nonetheless, I couldn’t think like that in the face of this situation. Such words couldn’t be said.

Ever since working at this convenience store, I have learned about these things.

The expressions on people’s faces when they were at their limits. The faces of those who have exceeded their limits and died.

While the reasons may vary, I was positive that all those who died were not half-hearted.

They were at their limits. All of them. Nothing further was there for them. Without salvation.

Nobody recognized the sign they left behind on the verge of death, and they refused their lives… feeling lonely and in despair.

There was no way I could say a word of condolence or act like I was irrelevant now that I knew that.

Not that I could say that openly, though.

Society was in essence a brutal place. People that deviated from the rules were, understandably, scorned. Unless useful, they would be told they suck, or worse, they would be fired. People who lacked the capacity to handle their work were sometimes beaten up by those who could do it.

Being in a dilemma between so many things was suffocating.

It made you feel like running away from the situation. Even if you looked into your own failures and misery and hated yourself, you had to keep on doing it.

That was “society”.

But the sad part was that some people still got lost in the process despite their utmost efforts, endurance, and perseverance.

Inevitably, some people opted to retire.

The manager once informed me that the majority of the individuals that drifted into this place had been submerged beneath the tides of society. But those people were not completely at fault. Suicide was inexcusable, but they must have had a lot on their minds as well. Please don’t despise them.

Nobody could overcome their limitations by themselves.

She was one of those who would be defeated by the limitations. And the tears that were flowing down her face were the last manifestation of the suffering she had been amassing. Right now, at this moment, she was already at her limit.

She couldn’t stop with half-heartedness.

What about her would someone like me, a freeter who has opted for the simple path to a comfortable life, grasp? What could I do to change her?

Surrounding us was the sound of insects with the hot and humid air hanging in the air.

In the middle of the road, where no cars were passing, a bawling woman and I, still consternated, remained facing each other.

Abruptly, the woman stooped over, puked several times with her mouth wide open, and spewed a large amount of vomit onto the concrete. The vomit splattered on the concrete surface before spreading out and flowing into the grass. She threw up repeatedly while sobbing and looked so awful that I couldn’t bear to look at her, so I leaned next to her and gave her a back rub instead.

“Hie!” she screamed and bounced up and down.

I instantly put my hands up, thinking it was bad.

“Ugh… I-I-I am sorry…”

“No, me too.”

“It’s filthy, gross, and stinks,” she mumbled, her lifeless eyes fixed on the barf. “My life is already… over…”

“Huh…”

“The path ahead of me is so dark… I can’t do it all over again… after all… I can’t go back…”

“What… are you talking about?”

“I-I… was framed… by my boss.”

She looked as if her soul had been sucked out of her, and began to talk as if she didn’t give a damn anymore about the event that took place shortly before she came to this convenience store. Not to me, but to herself indifferently.

“I worked overtime today… My two bosses and I stayed behind…”

During the day, she had been heavily criticized, and her remaining work was difficult to complete, so she was exhausted as she went about her duties.

In the office, there were male two bosses, and she was far apart in age with them. Her two bosses were among the few people in the office who understood her and supported her. Having been encouraged by them when she constantly screwed up at work, and having received kind words of encouragement when she was feeling down, she respected and trusted them both.

Until this day.Not shared on aggregator sites

After she had done her duties, the date had long since gone, she had missed the last train, and she was worn out and mulling over what to do next when her bosses opened the locker room door and barged in.

In response to her startled screams, one of them seized her and covered her lips. The other person turned on his cell phone camera and flashed her with a wicked smile that she had never seen before.

She wondered what they were going to do.

Before she could conceive of what was to come, she was roughly pushed to the floor and a man’s hand crept inside her blouse…

From then on, it was all just a flow. Time passed before she had time to resist.

[I usually cover for you at work. It’s only natural that you should accompany me this much.]

[Since you are useless, I made you useful. Don’t make a scene.]

[Don’t expect the next one to be as easy as today’s.]

They pinned her down and confronted her with images of who knew how many photos had been taken of her. She received a warning from the bosses before they quickly left, reminding her that if she disclosed the information, they would post it online.

She was left with a sense of defeat and despair. Devastated, it was then that she realized that she had no value at all.

She could not seek help from anyone. No one would lend a helping hand to her.

All she was capable of was being an obstacle and a burden to others. If so, she would abandon everything and go somewhere where no one would notice her so that she would not inconvenience others. To be at ease.

“That company… is no longer a place I want to stay… But if I resign… they will post it on the internet.”

There was nowhere to escape to.

“So… nobody needs me, I…I―”

As if hating herself for existing, she clawed her neck hard.

Bite marks did not disappear. The welts simply surfaced.

“…Let’s.”

At the sight of the woman’s face, distorted with grief and agony, I couldn’t… smile any more.

“Police. Let’s go to the police.”

“…Huh?”Translator: MadHatter

“There is another female staff member at the convenience store, so I’ll ask her to escort you. So, let’s go to the police now.”

“No, I… no way!”

She shook her head. I calmly announced to her rather than grasping her shoulders as she was about to scream and go insane.

“What you just said, that’s a full-blown crime. Those two bosses are criminals. You should inform the… police about the harm you’ve suffered and let them resolve the situation.”

“Ugh, ugh, no! If I do that… they will spread it all over the place! Then I…!!”

“Don’t worry, that won’t happen.”

“How do you know that! No, nothing will change anyway! They’ll spread it around, expose it and more people will laugh at me! I’d rather die!!”

“Don’t you feel frustrated that you’re going to end your life being cornered by such… bunch of jerks!”

Ah, I accidentally let out a scream…

“What the hell do you understand!”

“I am sorry… I don’t understand. But I can’t… forgive those guys. I can’t leave them alone and I can’t leave you alone either…!”

“…Ugh, I… I have no relation with you. I’m a stranger.”

“Even if you are a stranger, if you are about to die, someone will normally stop you!”

Even though I had told myself to stay calm, before I knew it, I had become emotional.

“No matter what happens… don’t kill yourself.”

This was just me imposing my own selfish views on her.

“I am sorry. I can only say this… You don’t want to hear such words from a stranger, right?”

It was nothing more than the beautiful words of a peace-loving idiot.

“I know someone who committed suicide a long time ago…”

My mouth started spewing out words on its own.

“I didn’t even realize what was bothering that guy. If anything… I think I pushed that guy’s back.”

Perhaps someone was harassing her.

“That guy wouldn’t let anyone see any of their painful face…”

No, that was just an excuse.

The truth was, I just didn’t see it. The small sign that Hyuga gave.

“If only I had realized and said something, maybe that guy wouldn’t be dead… I can’t be sure, but I still think that maybe they would have been…”

This was regret.

The reality was that no matter how much I looked back, nothing would ever change.

“You overlap with that guy… With that guy who committed suicide… I’m getting more impatient than ever to do something about it…! The thought of letting another person die again makes me…!”

As I said this, I began to tear up.

Even though I didn’t think that saying this would change anything for her.

Even though it would not heal the despair inside her.

By all means, I wanted to stop her.

I wanted her to accept it.

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